Henning. Look, there’s Viard.
Dodd. We’re too late. He’s taking the invisible pill.
Henning. We still have some time before we can’t see him.
Dodd. He’s already fading.
Henning. He doesn’t know that we’re here. We can surprise him.
Dodd. I can barely make him out. How do we surprise him?
Henning. We’re going to tackle him. We have to do it now.
Dodd. I hope he hasn’t moved from where he was.
Henning. Let’s go. He’ll look at himself to make sure he’s invisible before he moves.
End. Last Place

Mireille. Let’s go to the library. *cough cough* I’ve got some books I need to return.
Gero. Are you okay there?
Mireille. Yeah, I’m a bit sick. *cough cough*
Gero. Did you want to stay at the library too?
Mireille. You know how it goes. I return books, *cough cough* and browse the stacks for a couple hours and borrow another set of books.
Gero. I know, but you’re coughing.
Mireille. Yeah, so?
Gero. For one, you’re going to disturb everyone in the library.
Mireille. What? Hold on. *cough cough* Are you serious?
Gero. And you’ll probably infect them as well.
Mireille. Are you going to come with me *cough* to the library or not?
Gero. I don’t know. I might get sick too.
Mireille. Why *cough* are we friends?
Gero. Because I saved your life.
Mireille. I need a better reason than that.
End. *cough cough*

Karim. I now know that I lead a boring life.
Urs. Do you really?
Karim. I do.
Urs. Why?
Karim. I asked myself this question, “Karim, what would you like to do?” You know what I answered?
Urs. You asked yourself a question and you answered yourself?
Karim. I said, “I would like to go home and sleep please.”
Urs. You told yourself that you wanted to go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes.
Urs. Did you go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes, I did.
Urs. Now when you talk to yourself, do you talk to another you that you see or do you talk to your inner self?
Karim. What are you talking about?
Urs. I’m concerned about your mental health, Karim.
Karim. I’m mentally stable, Urs. Really.
Urs. Did you just tell yourself to say that?
Karim. No. Why?
Urs. Cause you hesitated, like you needed time to converse with yourself.
Karim. I’m fine, Urs. You’re the one that’s insane.
Urs. What are you telling yourself now?
Karim. I’m about to agree with myself to strangle you.
End. Boring Me

One.
Ortho. Do you have stamps?
Ravi. With me? No.
Ortho. You have stamps elsewhere?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. What kind of stamps? Are they American stamps?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. I would like to see your American stamps. May I see them?
Ravi. I don’t have them with me.
Ortho. I want to see your stamps. I want to buy your stamps.
Ravi. I can bring you my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Please bring your stamps to me.
Ravi. I will.
Ortho. Are they fresh stamps?
Ravi. Very fresh.
Ortho. Good. You are a good person.
Ravi. Thank you. I will come back with my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Thank you.

Two.
Ravi. I had the most bizarre conversation with this man today.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. He had these thick glasses that enlarged his eyes.
Soia. Well, what did he say?
Ravi. He asked me if I had stamps.
Soia. Stamps?
Ravi. He asked me to see my stamps.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. I was confused, but I told him that I would bring my stamps to him.
Soia. What does he want to do with your stamps?
Ravi. I don’t know. Mail something?
Soia. He asked you for stamps?
Ravi. He asked if they were American stamps and asked if they were fresh.
Soia. Of course they would be American. What else could they be?
Ravi. I don’t think he knows he’s in America. He was an old man. Maybe he was an avid collector when he was younger.
Soia. How strange. Why did he ask you if they were fresh?
Ravi. I have no idea. Maybe he likes the taste of stamps.
Soia. I would like to meet the person who likes the taste of stamps.
Ravi. You have a chance now.
End. The Taste of Stamps

Licia. What are you going to do with all your stuff?
Ignacy. I don’t know. Give it away, I guess.
Licia. All your cookware too?
Ignacy. I can’t just bring it with me. I’m just going to bring my knives.
Licia. I can’t believe you’re going by boat.
Ignacy. Why?
Licia. A plane is so much faster.
Ignacy. I don’t think I should get there fast. I’ll get there, but it should be eventual.
Licia. Your extending your transition.
Ignacy. Yeah. Something like that. It’s like jumping off a cliff. I want the fall to last as long as possible so I can recall the things I’ve done.
Licia. You sound like you’re going to die.
Ignacy. I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen to me. Everything is black.
Licia. What happened to you, Ignacy? You’ve become different.
Ignacy. I just have nothing now.
Licia. Except for your knives.
Ignacy. Except for my knives.
End. Slices
Rutonetwentyone

Regine. Hey, Pato. What’s going on?
Pato. Hi. I just had a revelation.
Regine. Really? Is that good or bad?
Pato. I don’t know really. I guess it’s both.
Regine. Well, you want to let me know what your revelation is?
Pato. I was at the library today, and Gisele was sitting next to me, right? No big deal. We’re just studying. Then some friend of her’s comes up from behind and hugs her.
Regine. Okay?
Pato. This is her reaction.
*Pato cringes his face in disgust.
Regine. So she didn’t want to be hugged by her friend?
Pato. No, she made that face because she thought I was hugging her. If I hugged her, that would be the face that she would have made.
Regine. What, are you interested in Gisele?
Pato. No, but to think that if I hugged anyone and their reaction was a look of disgust saddens me.
Regine. Saddens? Really?
Pato. But it also relieves me.
Regine. Why is that?
Pato. Because Gisele is one less person for me to worry about. We have this mutual indifference for each other. It’s rather nice.
Regine. So you have this relieved sadness?
Pato. I guess so.
Regine. Interesting. Hey, would you like to hug me?
Pato. That would be nice.
End. Mutual Indifference, Relieved Sadness

Frank. Joe, what are you doing here?
Joe. I didn’t know who else to go.
Frank. What, what’s the matter?
Joe. It’s my fiancée. She’s pregnant.
Frank. What? But you’re not married yet.
Joe. I never touched her, Frank.
Frank. The baby’s not yours?
Joe. No.
Frank. Are you going to call the wedding off?
Joe. I was going to, but now we’re just going to leave and have the child somewhere else.
Frank. I don’t know what to say, Joe.
Joe. Yeah, life sends you tight and unexpected turns.
Frank. What about the baby?
Joe. The baby will be born and I will be the father.
Frank. I don’t know whether to call you wise or stupid, Joe. When are you going to leave?
Joe. Soon. I came to give you this.
Frank. What is it?
Joe. A collection of books of mine. I thought you would like them.
Frank. Gee, Joe. Thanks.
Joe. Well, I need to be going.
Frank. God bless you, Joe.
Joe. Bless you.
End. Tight and Unexpected Turns
Matoneeighteen

Maeni. Hello.
Katia. Hello?
Maeni. You’re a zoner aren’t you?
Katia. Am I a zoner? Is that what you’re asking me?
Maeni. You are, aren’t you?
Katia. I don’t know. Am I?
Maeni. I think you are.
Katia. How do you know that?
Maeni. You’re not using a coaster.
Katia. You’re right. I’m not.
Maeni. And the ring of water from your cup.
Katia. Yes?
Maeni. You’ve been playing with it, spreading drops of water out from the ring with your straw.
Katia. That’s true.
Maeni. Even when that man dropped his tray in front of you, you were still concentrated on the water ring.
Katia. There was a man?
Maeni. He even said sorry. Look. There are stains of ketchup on your shoes from the burger he dropped.
Katia. So there are.
Maeni. You’re a zoner. You live in another world.
Katia. I guess I do. Are you going to help me?
Maeni. No, I want to ask you out to dinner.
End. Zoner

Capucine. Will you stop it?
Tobias. What?
Capucine. I know what you’re doing.
Tobias. What are you talking about?
Capucine. Your shadow. You're positioning your shadow so I would be walking over it.
Tobias. I am?
Capucine. I know your self esteem is very low, but to have me walk over your shadow is too much for me to handle.
Tobias. I didn’t realize I was doing it.
Capucine. That’s sad, Tobias. You don’t even realize what you’re doing to yourself. Why are you so self destructive?
Tobias. I don’t know.
Capucine. It’s because you need to be in control of your life, but the only way you can control it is to be self destructive. Don’t you see?
Tobias. Yes, I guess that makes sense.
Capucine. Seriously, you’ve got to stop hating yourself so much.
Tobias. I want to, but how do I do that?
Capucine. It’s something you’ve got to discover for yourself. I can’t really help you.
Tobias. You can’t?
Capucine. If I did, I think I would start hating you.
Tobias. You would?
Capucine. Do you want me to tell you you’re a good person?
Tobias. What’s wrong with that?
Capucine. What’s the point in me telling you that you are good when you don’t believe it yourself?
Capucine. I guess you’re right.
Tobias. Will you stop it?
End. Stepping on Shadows

Zuma. We did it.
Gobel. What, what happened?
Zuma. We got a sponsor.
Gobel. Really? Who?
Zuma. Kraehkamp.
Gobel. The ketchup company?
Zuma. Yeah, but apparently they do more than ketchup.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. They also make potato products like frozen French fries.
Gobel. That makes sense. Buy the French fries and eat them with the ketchup.
Zuma. Yeah, and it makes sense that they would make pasta sauces and baked beans too.
Gobel. Pasta sauce makes sense. I guess baked beans is a stretch, but still feasible.
Zuma. How about a variety of Asian sauces?
Gobel. Um, do they make Thai curries?
Zuma. I think they do.
Gobel. I’ve got to try it out.
Zuma. Kraehkamp makes cereal and rice products.
Gobel. Sounds like they’re covering the starches.
Zuma. Baby food.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. Yeah, and food for dogs and cats.
Gobel. Kraehkamp makes dog food?
Zuma. I guess it’s because of the starch products and their soy and tuna divisions.
Gobel. They’re in the ocean too?
Zuma. They’ve got a weight loss chain too.
Gobel. For those who don’t want to eat.
Zuma. They make whiskey too. Soaps, cooking oils, and they own a chicken restaurant chain.
Gobel. We need to stop them.
Zuma. I think I know how.
End. Kraehkamp Ketchup

Horst. Why are your bow and quivers out?
Igaal. The pigs are coming.
Horst. So soon?
Igaal. I saw Cerdo Rosado in the brush this afternoon.
Horst. Cerdo Rosado? Here? Does he know that we’re the only ones?
Igaal. I don’t know. I tried to strike the pig, but he saw me and dashed out of range. He was snorting, enjoying himself.
Horst. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pig as fast as Cerdo Rosado.
Igaal. I do not think I have either.
Horst. When do you think the pigs will come?
Igaal. Quiet.
Horst. What is it?
Igaal. Cerdo Rosado is here.
Horst. Again?
Cerdo Rosado. Hello? *snort snort* I have come back to determine *snort* if you two are the only ones here. *snort snort*
Igaal. Yes, Cerdo Rosado. It is true. Only Horst and I are here.
Cerdo Rosado. You are not the one who tried to mark me with a quiver. *snort snort* Where is he? *snort*
Igaal. He went to get help. We know you will be here with the others.
Cerdo Rosado. Where is your bow? *snort snort*
Igaal. I do not have it with me.
Cerdo Rosado. I’m afraid I will have to take advantage of this situation. *snort snort*
Igaal. Will you tell me one thing?
Cerdo Rosado. What is it? *snort*
Igaal. Have you returned only to make sure there were the two of us?
Cerdo Rosado. It is a situation that is too good. *snort snort* We will eat everything you have grown for the harvest. *snort*
Igaal. And you will eat me first? Will you charge me?
Cerdo Rosado. Unfortunately, *snort* yes. *snort snort*
*Cerdo Rosado charges*
Igaal. Horst, now.
End. Horst Reveals Himself

Urtes. Excuse me.
Neige. Yes?
Urtes. I have to ask you to leave.
Neige. Leave? I don’t understand.
Urtes. We would rather you leave the café.
Neige. Did I do something?
Urtes. No. You didn’t do anything.
Neige. Then why do I have to leave? Are you asking everybody to leave?
Urtes. No, just you.
Neige. You’re going to have to explain before you really have a good reason for me to leave?
Urtes. Your kind. We do not welcome your kind.
Neige. My kind? What did my kind do?
Urtes. Please, will you leave?
Neige. I’ll tell you the truth. I want to take you down by the neck and make you cry like a baby, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to leave and feel sorry for you and your establishment. And look. I’m going to pay for my tea, just to surprise you. Just a suggestion. You should have signs on your door explaining who can or cannot come in. If you had a sign. I would have definitely not come in. Will you make a sign?
Urtes. ...
End. You Are Not Welcome Here

Henning. Get down.
Dodd. What is it?
Henning. It’s a metal ugly tree.
Dodd. Are we going to die?
Henning. No. How many arrows do you have?
Dodd. Two.
Henning. Give me one.
Dodd. No, they’re mine. You used all yours on that cloud of obscene.
Henning. Are you going to use both arrows on the metal ugly tree?
Dodd. I don’t know.
Henning. We have to kill it.
Dodd. Why?
Henning. Cause it’ll kill us first.
Dodd. Can I kill it with one arrow?
Henning. No, with two, but it has to be at the same time.
Dodd. But I can’t shoot two arrows at the same time.
Henning. That’s why you have to give me one.
Dodd. So we’ll shoot the metal ugly tree together?
Henning. One arrow has to go in the base of the trunk and the other has to pierce a leaf.
Dodd. Can I hit the base?
Henning. Okay. Here, give me an arrow.
Dodd. Here.
Henning. Ready?
Dodd. Henning?
Henning. Yeah?
Dodd. Will it scream?
Henning. I hope so.
End. Backyard Forest

Kiti. Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes, Honey?
Kiti. I know what I want for my birthday.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh really?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Are you going to tell me?
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Is that all you want?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Now, do you want any teddy bear or is there a teddy bear you want?
Kiti. I want this one.
Mr. Thierry Caron. What’s this?
Kiti. It’s a catalog of teddy bears.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I see. So which one did you want?
Kiti. The one on the first page.
Mr. Thierry Caron. $51,520.00!?
Kiti. Can you get it for me, Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Do you know how much fifty one thousand dollars is?
Kiti. Is it a lot?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I could buy a really nice car with that kind of money.
Kiti. What kind of car?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Some European automobile that I could drive through the Autobahn as fast as I can late at night.
Kiti. But the teddy bear is also a hot water bottle to keep me warm.
Mr. Thierry Caron. You know what? A lot of German cars have heated seats to keep you warm too.
Kiti. The teddy bear is from Germany too. His head turns.
Mr. Thierry Caron. How would you like a nice German crafted automobile, Kiti?
End. German Crafted

Beat. What’s this?
Inigo. What is it? A card?
Beat. I don’t know. “Ask for Tom.” There's a number.
Inigo. What’s the number?
Beat. 5-8-5-2-7-5-4-4-8-4
Inigo. I wonder where that is.
Beat. I have no idea.
Inigo. Is there anything else on it?
Beat. No.
Inigo. Can I see it?
Beat. Sure.
*Inigo smells the card.
Beat. What do you smell?
Inigo. *sniff sniff* Chalk, and ... *sniff* something old and musty. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m going to call the number.
Beat. What? Why? Because of the smell?
Inigo. *sniff* It’s nice. It’s familiar. I trust this card.
Beat. Here, let me smell it. *sniff sniff*
Inigo. Well?
*Beat runs with the card.
Inigo. Come back here! What is that number? 585...? What is it?
End. Ask For Tom

Llama. Are you sure this is going to work?
Crocodile. We need to do this if it doesn’t work or not.
Camel. It’s not going to work. It’s a waste of time.
Ostrich. I don’t understand why we need to do this. What’s wrong with where we live now?
Crocodile. You’re all cowards. All of you.
Camel. Come on, Llama. We don’t need this.
Llama. I’m tired Camel. Let’s just do this. We have nothing to lose.
Crocodile. Exactly. We have nothing to lose. The gain truly outweighs the loss.
Camel. You’re an idiot Crocodile. I don’t understand why we all follow you. What is this? The Crocodile club? I’m sick of following you.
Crocodile. But we have to do this.
Camel. No. I’m not going to follow you anymore.
Llama. Camel. We need to do this. We have nowhere else to go.
Camel. I don’t care. I’m leaving. Are you coming with me, Llama?
Llama. I want to try Crocodile’s idea. What else are we going to do?
Crocodile. Go, Camel. You do whatever you want.
*Camel leaves.
Crocodile. Okay, Llama. Dial the number.
Ostrich. Why didn’t Camel ask me to go with him?
End. Last To Pick

Massimo. Hey Lemmy, what are you doing?
Lemmy. I’m communicating with someone.
Massimo. You are? With who?
Lemmy. I’m not sure.
Massimo. I don’t understand. Where is this someone?
Lemmy. He’s on the other end of this string. When I pull on it, the other person pulls back on it. I’m trying to use Morse code with him, but I don’t think he understands. All he does is repeat my pulls.
Massimo. Where did the sting come from?
Lemmy. I don’t know. I just appeared one day.
Massimo. Can’t you follow the string?
Lemmy. I tried, but it’s goes into the sewage drains.
Massimo. Do you think this person lives in the sewage drains?
Lemmy. I think he only uses the sewage drains to hide the string underground.
Massimo. But I think he’s somewhere in the Central Time zone.
Lemmy. What? How do you know that?
Massimo. Cause at every hour, I pull what time it is, then he returns with a time minus one hour.
Lemmy. But the closest place in the Central time zone is hundreds of miles away. How is that possible?
Massimo. Shh, he’s trying to say something.

Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-r-e - y-o-u – u-s-i-n-g – M-o-r-s-e - c-o-d-e-?
End. Tug Tug Pull

Burny. You’re getting killed. I’ve never seen you get beat so bad.
Arturo. I know. He’s much better than me.
Burny. I hate to say it, but it’s humiliating.
Arturo. I’m sorry.
Burny. What do you have left?
Arturo. A grand.
Burny. Forget it man, just cash it in. We’re losers tonight. Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.
Arturo. You go get that drink. I’m staying.
Burny. Just like that? You’re going to drop that grand?
Arturo. I’m not dropping anything.
Burny. He’s whipping you. The guy owns everything that you are. Let’s just say it was an off night.
Arturo. No, he’s better.
Burny. Then what are you doing? He’s better, you admit it, let’s go.
Arturo. Let me finish this.
Burny. Why? I can’t let you self destruct like this.
Arturo. I’m not self destructing.
Burny. Then why? Why are you willing to lose a grand like that? You know you’re going to lose that grand ... you’re not going to lose that grand?
Arturo. Just go get that drink for me.
Burny. Sure.
End. Solution Ahead
judsixteentwentytwo

Isa. Hey, when did you get back?
Tibor. A couple of hours ago.
Isa. How was the trip?
Tibor. Good.
Isa. I noticed the Subaru isn’t in the garage. Did something happen to it?
Tibor. You know, I tried to hit seventy miles per hour with that thing, but I could only go sixty eight.
Isa. It’s a beat up car.
Tibor. I did manage to pass two cars on the one lane to the beach.
Isa. Really?
Tibor. I had enough space the first time, but the second time I tried passing a car, another car was coming the opposite direction.
Isa. Did something happen to the car?
Tibor. How long have we had that Subaru?
Isa. Since eighty three.
Tibor. Remember when we went to Florida with that thing?
Isa. We went everywhere. It’s a good little car. Tibor?
Tibor. Yes?
Isa. Where’s the Subaru?
Tibor. I tried, but the Subaru couldn’t even reach seventy miles per hour.
End. After Time Spent

Krumm. So, that’s it. Are you excited?
Petters. I feel disappointed.
Krumm. You’re disappointed to go home?
Petters. No, I’m disappointed in myself actually.
Krumm. Why is that?
Petters. Because I’m going home. I’m leaving this place.
Krumm. But don’t you want to go home?
Petters. I do, but I wish I didn’t.
Krumm. I don’t understand.
Petters. I’m glad I’m going home. I mean, I’m ecstatic, and it’s because I miss home more than I want to stay here. At this point, I’d rather be there than here. Do you know what that makes me?
Krumm. What?
Petters. A tourist. I can’t live here, Krumm. I have to go home and be in comfort.
Krumm. But you’ve been here for five years, Petters. No tourist stays here for Petters years.
Petters. If I could stay here for five years, why can’t I stay here for more? I really wanted this to be my home, Krumm. What happened to me? I’ve become soft.
Krumm. Then why not try to stay here? Give it another shot?
Petters. I probably will. I just need to get out of here now. I’ll end up killing someone if I don’t.
Krumm. It’ll probably be me.
Petters. You’re probably right.
Krumm. Have a good trip.
End. Reluctance to Prevent
judsevenfive

Yannick. What happened to your dress?
Maja. I’m just not having a good day, Yannick.
Yannick. Why? What happened?
Maja. I can’t think straight, you know?
Yannick. What do you mean?
Maja. I mean my thoughts feel like rocks clattering inside my head. I can’t get them out.
Yannick. Hey, relax. It’s going to be okay.
Maja. I can’t. I’m on edge. I can’t get rid of this feeling. I hate it.
Yannick. Is it because of your dress?
Maja. Huh?
Yannick. Your dress. It’s ripped.
Maja. No no, I did that. I ripped my dress. I’m so frustrated, Yannick. I don’t know what to do. Look at me, I’m sweating.
Yannick. Here, you need water. Let’s get some water for you. Do you want to sit down while I get you water?
Maja. I don’t know. That’s my problem. I already tried drinking water. It only makes it worse. I’m so thirsty. Nothing can help it.
Yannick. We should go to the doctor.
Maja. I’ve never had this feeling before. I feel so dry inside. It’s driving me crazy. I can barely control myself from tearing my clothes completely.
Yannick. I’m really concerned. Do you have a fever?
Maja. Don’t touch me!
End. Ripping Short Of
judsixtwentyfive

One.
Gilles. So what choice do I have?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. You can choose green or blue.
Gilles. I’ll take blue.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. I’m sorry, we’re out of blue. Would you like green?
Gilles. So I don’t have a choice in the matter?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. No, I guess not.
Gilles. So why give my the choice of blue?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Well, if you picked green, then you would be under the impression that you made a choice for yourself, which then in turn gives you satisfaction in your decision.
Gilles. But I picked blue.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. And I’m sorry. We don’t have blue. We do have green.
Gilles. What happens when I don’t like green?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Well, you still have the choice of not purchasing green, which in turn gives you the impression that you are exercising the right to refuse a purchase.
Gilles. I think I won’t be buying green then.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Very good choice, sir.

Two.
Karola. What other colors does this come in?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. We also have blue.
Karola. Oh, I’d rather have green. I’ll take this one.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Very good choice, maam.
End. Green One
jostwentyfourfifteen

Fabrice. Come on, Armand. Jump.
Armand. Jump? Me, Jump? Oh no, you must mean someone else.
Fabrice. It’s not that bad, what are you afraid of?
Armand. Death. I’m afraid of death. How many times do you want your life to flash before your eyes? I’m trying to keep it to a bare minimum.
Fabrice. You won’t die. I’m not dead.
Armand. Yes, and it’s a miracle. Let’s not keep testing God like this. He’s bound to grow wary and decide to push me down this cliff out of vengeance.
Fabrice. Do you believe God would do such a thing?
Armand. Do I believe God is a vengeful God? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. You’re looking at it right now.
Fabrice. Please, will you jump?
Armand. Why did I agree to come with you? You know I’m phobic of everything. Even little dogs scare me.
Fabrice. Just jump. Why won’t you jump?
Armand. It upsets my sense of being when I need to squint to see you.
Fabrice. So what are you going to do?
Armand. I’m going to look for stretches of land and pick berries.
Fabrice. You’re going to leave me here?
Armand. I’m sure there are a variety of fish that will keep you company.
Fabrice. Would you jump if I were drowning?
Armand. Hey, I don’t take bribes. Oh, hello.
Bern. Hello.
Armand. Oh, are you waiting for me? No, go right ahead. I’m just admiring the immense height.
Fabrice. Don’t listen to him. He’s just afraid of jumping.
Armand. Isn’t she adorable? The way she shouts and screams?
Bern. I think it’s okay that you don’t want to jump.
Armand. Now see, Fabrice? Here’s a man with good sense.
Fabrice. Hey, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you push my husband off the cliff.
*Bern pushes Armand
End. Immediate Weightlessness
jossevenfive

Elber Door. Hey, Till. I got the ladder. I can get your glider off the roof now.
Till. It’s okay, Dad. I already got it.
Elber Door. What? How’d you get it down?
Till. It flew down by itself?
Elber Door. What, did the wind pick it up?
Till. I don’t think so. It just stayed in the air and then flew down to my feet.
Elber Door. Do you mean it hovered there in the sky?
Till. It did.
Elber Door. Did your uncle come by?
Till. Uncle Gert?
Elber Door. He’s here isn’t he?
Till. No, he’s not here. I didn’t see him.
Elber Door. Go back into the house.
Till. Why?
Elber Door. Just go. Now. And tell Mom to get me my rifle.
Till. What are you going to do to Uncle Gert?
End. Distraught Misconstruction
deusixtwenty

One.
Arabella. Did you hear that?
Norber. What?
Arabella. You can hear my parents moving behind the wall. We can’t talk too loud, or they’ll hear us.
Norber. Oh.
Arabella. What were we talking about?
Norber. I don’t know. I’m too racked knowing that your parents are on the other side of the wall. Am I going to get you in trouble?
Arabella. It’ll be okay. Just as long as we’re not loud.
Norber. Okay.
Arabella. Can I ask you a question?
Norber. Sure.
Arabella. Why are you here? I mean in Colorado? Did you come all the way out here to visit me?
Norber. Kind of. I just found myself here, and since you’re here as well, I might as well stop by.
Arabella. So why are you in Colorado?
Norber. I don’t know why exactly. I’m just here.
Arabella. So one day, poof. You’re in Colorado?
Norber. Just about. Granted, it took me a while to get here, but now here I am.
Arabella. What are you going to do here?
Norber. I don’t know. I can’t really do much. I guess I should just keep on going.
Arabella. Aren’t you going to stop?
Norber. I’m not sure. I think I’ll know when to stop though.
Arabella. Oh, did you hear that?
Norber. Is it your parents?
Arabella. I think so. I’m going to go out and check. This may seem strange, but can you hide in the closet for me?
Norber. Um, okay?
Arabella. Here, just stay in here until I get back.

Two.
Muriel. So what did you do in her closet?
Norber. I stood there, trying to hear what was going on outside. I could hear Arabella talk to her parents, telling them goodnight, but I think they got into a discussion.
Muriel. How long were you in there.
Norber. I don’t know. It seemed like a long time though, but I guess time is slower when you’re hiding in a closet.
Muriel. Yeah, I guess so. So did you try any of her dresses while you waited?
Norber. Yeah, I wanted her to catch me hitching up one of her skirts.
Muriel. I knew it.
Norber. Actually, I got tired of standing and sat down in her closet, staring at the light coming through the bottom of the door.
Muriel. That’s no fun.
Norber. But then I was thinking, “what am I doing here?” It was time to go back home.
Muriel. So after a year of wandering, you came back?
Norber. Because I hid from Arabella’s parents in her bedroom closet.
End. Line of Light, Carpet
jostwosix

Simona. This bread is perfect.
Urs. Thank you. I’m glad you like it.
Simona. I mean it. The elasticity, the crust, the flavor, everything. How do you do it?
Urs. You know? I don’t really know how I do it.
Simona. What do you mean?
Urs. I actually feel disconnected from my bread. Sure, I make it with my hands, but when the loaves come out of the oven, I just stare at them as if someone else made them.
Simona. Maybe it’s because you’ve made so many loaves.
Urs. That might be, but each loaf comes out perfect, and that bothers me.
Simona. How does it bother you?
Urs. You’d think I would do something different when making bread, but I don’t. There’s nothing special about my process, there’s no secret. I just knead the dough, let it rise, punch it down like everyone else. In reality, my bread should not taste the way it should.
Simona. Do you feel like you don’t deserve to make such good bread?
Urs. Yes, I do. I think baking bread is my best talent, but I don’t want to be a bread baker. I think I’d rather do anything else than bake bread. I’d rather be a professional bowler than be a bread baker.
Simona. Now I feel bad.
Urs. Why?
Simona. Cause you baked bread for me.
Urs. No, I enjoy baking bread for you. Okay, I was exaggerating about bowling, but baking bread? Come on. Are you going to introduce me like, “Hi, this is my friend, Urs. He bakes bread.”
Simona. But I would say, Hi, this is my friend, Urs. He bakes the best bread in the world. If I could bake bread like you I would go off to France, hit the major restaurants, and live off of bread money.
Urs. I would hate working in a restaurant. It’s this underworld of dealers and cheats.
Simona. I would do it, just to live in France.
Urs. Bread, why bread? Why couldn’t it have been twenty ten vision?
Simona. I wish I could bake bread like you.
Urs. If I could, I would give it to you.
Simona. Can you touch my hands?
End. Bread for France
deutwentyeightfive

Kattis. Didn’t you bring food with you?
Ota. I brought two apples and four liters of water.
Kattis. How long were you up there?
Ota. Eight hours.
Kattis. Weren’t you hungry?
Ota. Yes. That apple was the sweetest apple I had.
Kattis. I bet it was.
Ota. I wasn’t expecting to be up there for that long.
Kattis. What happened?
Ota. I followed the wrong trail and ended up at a ridge where I couldn’t go any farther. I wasted two hours following that trail and two more hours following it back to find the right one. That’s when I had to stop to have an apple.
Kattis. Didn’t you see anyone?
Ota. No one was up there. I imagined my death up there. No one would have found my body.
Kattis. It must have been lonely.
Ota. It put perspective on things, on my life. Here I was, sitting down in the middle of a jungle, tired, dirty, cold from my damp clothes. I felt like nothing. Strip my clothing and I’m no better than a hungry animal, so I decided to do that.
Kattis. You took off your clothes?
Ota. I shivered against the wind. I felt humiliated. It was almost unbearable.
Kattis. Did you continue without your clothes?
Ota. I crawled down to a level path where there was this tree with fruit on it. I didn’t know what kind fruit it was, but fruit were the size of cherries, but tasted more like guava with tiny edible seeds that rolled on my tougue. I climbed the tree and ate all of them.
Kattis. Weren’t you afraid they were poisonous?
Ota. I didn’t care. After trying one, I had to eat more.
Kattis. But you did put your clothes back on, right?
Ota. Yes, but it was difficult to put damp and mud caked clothing on.
End. Clinging Damp
deueightthree

Josette. What are you doing there?
Brund. I’m throwing stones at the devil.
Josette. What?
Brund. See that mound of stones over there?
Josette. Yeah?
Brund. That’s the devil. I take one stone from the mound and throw it back into the mound until there is no mound.
Josette. You have something against the devil, Brund?
Brund. Yes, I do. He is the cause of all of my misery.
Josette. Are you miserable?
Brund. Not anymore, now that I can throw stones at the devil.
Josette. Can I throw a stone at the devil too?
Brund. Go ahead. Get yourself a stone from the mound.
Josette. Okay. Does it matter what stone I take?
Brund. Not really, but before you come back, feel the stone in your hand. Feel the earth pulling it down, feel your fingers around the crevices of the stone’s face, feel the cold coming from it. Look at it, that stone is real.
Josette. Okay? Can I come back now?
Brund. Yeah. Come back here and throw that stone at the devil.
Josette. Do I have to do anything before I throw it?
Brund. All you have to do is recall what you learned from the stone. Visualize it leaving your hand and reaching the devil.
Josette. Okay. Can I throw it?
Brund. Once you feel like you’re ready.
Josette. Okay.
*Josette throws the stone past the mound.
Josette. I missed.
Brund. But did you see the devil flinch?
End. The Elusiveness of Stones
deufourtwelve

Walor. I give up.
Sabeinne. What are you talking about?
Walor. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.
Sabeinne. What are you going to do?
Walor. Not do this, first of all.
Sabeinne. That’s it? You’re done?
Walor. Yup.
Sabeinne. Who’s going to take over?
Walor. That’s not my concern.
Sabeinne. Don’t you think you’re being selfish?
Walor. I am being selfish only to keep me sane. Any more of this, and I’m going to have to become violent.
Sabeinne. You?
Walor. I thought about burning this building down.
Sabeinne. What?
Walor. But I couldn’t think of a sure way to do it without hurting people.
Sabeinne. Burn the building down?
Walor. I printed out leaflets to tape up everywhere warning that the building was going to be burned down at a certain date, so that people would be sure not to be in the building, but I’m sure the police would make sure no one would enter the building that day. Then I thought of letting the night shift janitors know about me burning down the building so I could do it late at night. I would help them look for better jobs elsewhere and plan for everyone to be covered when the building burned down, but that would cause too much suspicion from the police and will probably lead to me.
Sabeinne. I can’t believe this. Are you going to burn the building down?
Walor. No, I can’t without hurting my friends at work or being able to do it without getting caught. But planning all this helped me calm down. It was like solving a puzzle, but this puzzle is too difficult for me, and I’ve accepted that. I can’t burn down the building, but I can walk away from it.
Sabeinne. I guess I’m glad.
End. Spare What Cannot
numfourteenfortytwo

Petters. I can’t stand it anymore
Krumm. What’s the matter?
Petters. I can’t eat this food anymore.
Krumm. Why? What’s wrong with it?
Petters. Come on, Krumm. You’re telling me you like eating this?
Krumm. Well, no. But what are we supposed to do?
Petters. Do you know what I could go for?
Krumm. What?
Petters. A nice juicy hamburger with mac salad and fries on the side.
*Krumm hits Petters.
Petters. What was that for?
Krumm. You tourist. I never realized how much of a tourist you are.
Petters. Give me a break. I just want a hamburger.
Krumm. Then go get one you tourist. Go take a plane, run back to America and get your hamburger.
Petters. You’re telling me you don’t want a hamburger?
Krumm. Just eat your food.
Petters. You know you want a hamburger. You just can’t admit it. What are you trying to hide?
Krumm. Are you going to eat your food?
Petters. No. I’m sick of this.
Krumm. I’ll have it then. You just sit there and think about your hamburger.
Petters. I’m no tourist, Krumm.
Krumm. Yes you are.
Petters. Just because of the hamburger?
Krumm. Right now, do you want to leave? Right now?
Petters. Yeah, so? That doesn’t make me a tourist.
Krumm. Tourists come, see whatever, and go home. This is home for me, Petters. I’m not going back home.
Petters. You’re not going home?
Krumm. No. I’m staying.
Petters. What are you going to do here?
Krumm. I’m going to live here.
Petters. Here? Are you out of your mind?
Krumm. Yes I am.
End. Tourist
numelevenfour

Gernot. How are you feeling?
Lena. Feel my head.
Gernot. You’re burning.
Lena. I can barely see, I’m so hot.
Gernot. Is there anything I can do?
Lena. You can pay for my funeral.
Gernot. Come on, you’re not going to die.
Lena. I feel like I’m going to. I feel so weak. I can barely move. Did you see my plants?
Gernot. No, why?
Lena. Look at them. They’re all dead. I couldn’t take care of them, then Picasso absolutely tore into them.
Gernot. Your cat?
Lena. I think she realized how weak I became and took advantage of it.
Gernot. Your cat is evil.
Lena. I know. Can you open the windows? I can’t breath.
Gernot. You should go to the hospital.
Lena. I should.
Gernot. Do you want me to take you?
Lena. Could you?
Gernot. Sure. Can you get up?
Lena. Can you help me? I hate this. I hate not being able to do anything. I can’t even cook anything.
Gernot. How long have you been like this?
Lena. Three days.
Gernot. Three days? Why didn’t you call earlier?
Lena. I thought I would get better, but I’m getting worse.
Gernot. Do you need something to drink?
Lena. Please, can you stop asking if I need anything?
Gernot. I’m sorry.
Lena. Stop it, it’s getting on my nerves.
Gernot. What do you want me to do?
Lena. Just shut up for a little while. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. Where are you going? Are you leaving?
Gernot. I’m going to go call the doctor to come over. Is that all right with you?
Lena. Yes. That’ll be fine.
Gernot. You are little on edge. You need to calm down. I’ll call the doctor and get you a glass of water.
Lena. Wait.
Gernot. What is it?
Lena. Did you hear that?
Gernot. Hear what?
Lena. That.
Gernot. I don’t hear anything.
Lena. Where are you going?
Gernot. I’m going to call the doctor and get you the glass of water.
Lena. No, don’t leave.
Gernot. I’ll be right back.
Lena. There he is again!
End. Motioning Away
levtwentysixsixteen

Pinkas. Hey.
Louison. Hey.
Pinkas. Where’re my tickets?
Louison. Where’s my money?
Pinkas. What do you mean? I already gave you the money.
Louison. You did? No you didn’t.
Pinkas. Yes, I did. Remember? I saw you earlier today, I gave you the money, but you said you didn’t have the tickets on you so you said you would give them to me now.
Louison. What?
Pinkas. Don’t you remember?
Louison. I was at the tracks all day. I never saw you.
Pinkas. What do you mean? I gave you the money. I know I did.
Louison. Wasn’t me.
Pinkas. Then who did I give three hundred dollars to?
Louison. I don’t know.
Pinkas. Are you kidding me?
Louison. No.
Pinkas. Stop knocking around. Give me my tickets.
Louison. No.
Pinkas. I paid for them.
Louison. No, you didn’t.
Pinkas. Yes, I did. I gave you the money.
Louison. It must have been someone else. Was that guy wearing the same thing as me now?
Pinkas. No, he was wearing a leather jacket.
Louison. It was someone else.
Pinkas. How do you know that?
Louison. I know. What are you doing giving a stranger money without him giving you tickets?
Pinkas. Hey, we’re friends. I trusted you.
Louison. But that wasn’t me. It was some guy who looked like me.
Pinkas. He looked exactly like you.
Louison. Really?
Pinkas. Yeah.
Louison. Did he come up to you?
Pinkas. No, I went to him.
Louison. Then what happened?
Pinkas. I asked him if he had the tickets, and he said no ... oh man.
Louison. What?
Pinkas. I was nervous giving you the money in public, so I just handed it to you, or that guy. He said that he would get me the tickets later.
Louison. You just gave a stranger three hundred dollars?
Pinkas. He looked exactly like you.
Louison. That’s unsettling.
Pinkas. What is?
Louison. There’s a guy walking around with three hundred dollars who looks like me.
Pinkas. If I see him, I’m going to tackle him. Can I have my tickets now?
Louison. Do you have three hundred dollars?
Pinkas. No. Come on. I’m good for it.
Louison. How do I know you’re really Pinkas?
Pinkas. Are you knocking around with me?
Louison. What am I supposed to do? Give you these tickets for free?
Pinkas. We’re buds, man.
Louison. You know, you’re lucky to have a bud like me.
Pinkas. Why’s that?
Louison. Cause I won five hundred at the tracks. Here’re your tickets, little buddie.
End. The Two Hundred Difference
exothirtytwofour

Roel. Koen, look.
Koen. What?
Roel. On the wall. Josephine and Lorenzo must have drawn on the walls.
Koen. We’re not allowed to draw on the walls at home.
Roel. I know. I guess we’re allowed to draw here though.
Koen. Really?
Roel. I think so. I mean, Josephine and Lorenzo drew here.
Koen. Do you think we can draw on the wall too?
Roel. Do you have a pen or something?
Koen. I have one in my bag.
Roel. Go get it.
Koen. Okay.
Roel. Here, give it to me.
Koen. I want to draw first.
Roel. Just give me the pen.
Koen. It’s my pen.
Roel. Do you know what you’re going to draw?
Koen. I don’t want to say.
Roel. Come on. I’m going to find out anyway when you draw it.
Koen. It’s a rabbit. What are you going to draw?
Roel. A tank. My tank’s going to shoot your rabbit.
Koen. I’ll draw a shield around my rabbit so your tank can’t hit it.
Roel. I’ll fire at your shield anyway. All the explosions I scribble will cover your rabbit.
Koen. That’s not fair.
Roel. Are you going to draw your rabbit?
Koen. No.
Roel. Why not?
Koen. Because you’re going to scribble over my rabbit.
Roel. Then give me the pen so I can draw my tank.
Koen. No. It’s my pen.
Roel. I’m going to hurt you.
Koen. I’ll tell Mommy.
Roel. Okay okay, draw your rabbit. My tank won’t attack you.
Koen. Promise?
Roel. I promise.
Koen. Okay.
End. Rabbit vs. Tank
exotwentyseventeen

Sesanna. What happened to you?
Conrad. I don’t have an umbrella.
Sesanna. It’s raining outside?
Conrad. It’s been raining since yesterday.
Sesanna. Are you serious? Is it still raining?
Conrad. Yes, as you can see the rain on me. You didn’t know it was raining?
Sesanna. No.
Conrad. How long has is been since you left the flat?
Sesanna. Five years? I don’t know.
Conrad. Well, let’s go. Do you have an umbrella?
Sesanna. Yes, but it’s raining. I don’t know. I could make dinner here.
Conrad. No, I think we should go out. Just to say we’ve been outside.
Sesanna. I have canned peaches in the refrigerator.
Conrad. Do you really? You know how much I love canned peaches.
Sesanna. I know you do.
Conrad. How about this? We go out for dinner, then come back here for dessert?
Sesanna. Can we rent a movie?
Conrad. I’ll even watch anything you choose, but I get to criticize the movie while we watch.
Sesanna. Then it has to be something I’ve already seen before.
Conrad. The deal’s off if it’s Legends of the Fall.
Sesanna. Come on. I love that movie. I wish three men fell in love with me like that.
Conrad. Don’t they have movies where three women fall in love with one guy?
Sesanna. If we see one in the store, then well get it.
Conrad. Deal.
End. Nescient Rain
exofouteentwentyeight

Josie Cartin. When are you going to let me go?
Mortimer. As soon as the police are here.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to ask for money?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to ask for anything?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. So you’re just going to wait till the police get here, then you’ll let me go?
Mortimer. Yes.
Josie Cartin. Why did you kidnap me? I could just leave now. You’re not going to do anything about it?
Mortimer. You’re far from home. Where would you go? It’ll be best if you wait for the police. They’ll be here shortly.
Josie Cartin. Aren’t you afraid to go to jail?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Why not?
Mortimer. You’re too young to understand.
Josie Cartin. I don’t think anyone would understand.
Mortimer. Have you thought about ending your life?
Josie Cartin. No.
Mortimer. I think about it all the time. I think about the different things I could do to end my life, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
Josie Cartin. Why would you want to kill yourself?
Mortimer. My life is not worth the effort. I want to disappear, but it’s not that easy.
Josie Cartin. What does kidnapping me have to do with killing yourself?
Mortimer. You don’t have to worry about it.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to kill yourself in jail?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Then why did you kidnap me? I wish my mom was here. She could help you.
Mortimer. I know your mother.
Josie Cartin. You do? Do you hate her or something?
Mortimer. No. I am one of her patients.
Josie Cartin. You make no sense, you know that?
Mortimer. I know.
Josie Cartin. The police are here.
Mortimer. Good. It’ll be over soon.
Josie Cartin. Should I come with you?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. What are you going to do?
Mortimer. Resist.
End. Immaterial End
exoeleventen

Eliska. What is that? A suitcase?
Suselle. I’m leaving, Eliska.
Eliska. Oh? Where are you going?
Suselle. Away. Just away.
Eliska. I don’t understand. Are you coming back?
Suselle. I don’t know. I just know that I need to get away from you. You bring out the worst in me. I become insecure, I start to hate myself, and I feel very violent.
Eliska. Because of me?
Suselle. Yes. I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose, and it may be because I’m crazy, but my personality changes whenever I’m around you. I should get away.
Eliska. What do I do to make you feel this way?
Suselle. Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving so you wouldn’t be as confused.
Eliska. I’m still a little confused, but I’m really sorry that I make you feel this way. I had no idea.
Suselle. It’s like this heavy block on me. It’ll eventually break me down.
Eliska. Well, where will you stay?
Suselle. Tonight, with Marijke. I’ll be staying with different friends until I find another flat.
Eliska. Are you leaving now, then?
Suselle. Yes.
Eliska. Well, I’m sorry things had to end this way.
Suselle. I am too. I don’t want you to think I hate you. It’s really my mental state that I’m concerned with. We’ll probably get together again, watch a movie or something.
Eliska. I think I have that impression that you don’t hate me. I’m too confused to really grasp with what is going on. I’ll probably think about it tonight.
Suselle. Well, good bye then.
Eliska. Good bye. Good luck.
End. Unintentional Heavy
exothreeseven

Yves. Who is that crying?
Simona. Mr. Ceder. He just lost one of his sons in a car accident.
Yves. Are you serious? That’s horrible.
Simona. I went over, but he wanted to be by himself.
Yves. How old was his son?
Simona. He was in college studying to be a linguist. I think he knew like six different languages.
Yves. Did you know him?
Simona. Not really. I occasionally bumped into him during the holidays. That’s about it.
Yves. I don’t think we should stay here.
Simona. I know. That’s why I called. I’ve been listening to Mr. Ceder cry all day. I’m paralyzed by it. All I could do is listen to him cry.
Yves. You’ve been listening all day?
Simona. Yeah, but it’s weird. I’m not just sitting here listening to him cry. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I made breakfast and lunch, did the dishes, ironed a couple shirts, finished a novel, and wrote two letters.
Yves. All while listening to Mr. Ceder cry?
Simona. Listen to him. There’s nothing I can do to help him. I don’t think he’ll be able to recover from this.
Yves. Come on. Let’s go out and get something to eat.
Simona. I could make something here.
Yves. Let’s go out. Get some fresh air.
Simona. It would be great to know six different languages, to be able to travel and live practically anywhere.
Yves. Hey, let’s go mail those letters out.
Simona. Est-ce que je puis voir le menu?
End. May I See the Menu?
genfortyfivetwo

Lilla. What is all this food doing here on the street?
Stanis. It’s for the cows.
Lilla. I think it’s ironic that there are so many hungry people here and a source of food is just walking amongst them in the streets.
Stanis. They could never eat a cow. It’s against what they believe in.
Lilla. But the food that they leave for these cows could be used to feed people.
Stanis. The cow is the holiest of all beings, though. They should take care of them.
Lilla. I should start a new cult where we would worship the poor and it’ll be necessary for all of us to ensure they are being fed.
Stanis. So a poor person would be the highest form of life in your cult?
Lilla. Yeah, if we live our lives well, we will gradually become poorer.
Stanis. I don’t know if people would warm up to this idea.
Lilla. It would be an honor to be poor. It shows that the god of the poor believes that those who are poor are strong enough to be poor.
Stanis. Then would the rich strive to be poor?
Lilla. Not necessarily. The rich are weak and could not live like the poor, but they would have the utmost respect for the poor and worship them, wishing that they themselves could be poor. Plus, one does not decide to be poor. That would be against the beliefs of my cult. Only the god of the poor can decide that you will be poor.
Stanis. What happens if you force yourself to be poor?
Lilla. That’s going against the god of the poor. Maybe he knows you’re not ready to be poor, but when you are, he’ll let you know.
Stanis. How’s he going to do that?
Lilla. A number of ways. He’ll take away your possessions, or tell you throw away everything and become poor.
Stanis. He’ll give you the choice to become poor?
Lilla. That’s when you’ll know you’re ready to be poor.
Stanis. Is it okay to be rich?
Lilla. It just shows how weak you are, but you should strive to become poor.
Stanis. How do you strive to become poor?
Lilla. It’s not actually striving, it’s more of your reaction when you are humiliated. The rich will try to become more powerful so they would not be humiliated while the poor will agree with his humiliation. It’s a love with being poor.
Stanis. I don’t think I could love being poor.
Lilla. Me neither, but it’s because we’re not ready. We should then feed and love the poor. The god of the poor would want that.
End. Cult of the Poor
genfortyonethree

Koen. Where did you get that?
Roel. I bought it from Menno Benwald.
Koen. You don’t have any money.
Roel. Yes I do. I saved up from my route.
Koen. I’m going to tell Dad you got a knife.
Roel. You better not, or else.
Koen. Or else what?
Roel. Oh, Koen. Guess what? I just got a knife.
Koen. Stop pointing it at me.
Roel. I can do anything I want to do. This knife gives me the power to do anything to you.
Koen. Stop it. I’m going to tell Dad. He’ll take it away from you.
Roel. Don’t you want to play with it too?
Koen. You’ll let me play with it?
Roel. I don’t know. How can you play with it if you tell on me?
Koen. I won’t tell.
Roel. Do you want to see it?
Koen. Yes.
Roel. Here.
Koen. Ah! You cut me! I’m bleeding! Dad!
Roel. Shut up. Shut up. It was an accident. Look what you did. Now Dad’s going to take it away from us.
Dad. What’s going on in here?
Koen. I’m bleeding, Dad!
Dad. How did that happen?
Koen. We were playing and I cut myself against the bed frame.
End. Cut Pull
genthirtyseveneight

Marden. It is cold.
Enid. Yes it is.
Marden. I cannot feel my face.
Enid. It’s still there.
Marden. You know what would be nice?
Enid. Hot chocolate?
Marden. That or hot apple cider.
Enid. That would be nice, but I don’t think we can get any here.
Marden. Yeah, that’s true. Man, it’s cold. When is this bus going to come?
Enid. I have no idea.
Marden. We should have checked the schedule.
Enid. That would have been smart.
Marden. I think I’d rather have the hot chocolate rather than the apple cider. Something thick would be nice.
Enid. Boiling water would be fine with me.
Marden. Boiling water would be nice, but thick hot chocolate would be perfection.
Enid. I think I would go for the hot apple cider.
Marden. Where is that bus?
Enid. Marden?
Marden. Yeah?
Enid. Do you know that guy waving to us?
Marden. No.
Enid. I wonder what he wants.
Marden. I don’t know.
Ondre. Hi, excuse me.
Enid. Hello.
Ondre. Who wanted the hot chocolate?
Marden. What?
Ondre. Did one of you two want hot chocolate?
Marden. Yeah. I did.
Ondre. Here you go. And you must have wanted the apple cider. Be careful, it’s hot.
Enid. Thank you? I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused.
Marden. So am I.
Ondre. It’s okay. You haven’t tried your drinks.
Marden. This is perfect.
Enid. Yeah, I don’t know what to say.
Ondre. I’m glad. Enjoy the drinks. It’s cold out here isn’t it?
Marden. Yes it is.
End. Not Boiling Water
gentwentyeighttwentytwo

Hallit. Isn’t that the kid who stole your wallet the other day?
Berren. Yeah, looks like he’s about to steal another.
Hallit. We should do something.
Berren. Like what?
Hallit. We should take him aside and get your wallet back.
Berren. It’s probably gone by now. I was an old wallet.
Hallit. How much money did he take from you?
Berren. Around fifty dollars I think.
Hallit. We should get that fifty back from that punk then.
Berren. Look at him. Look how he just rides on people’s side. He’s taking advantage of the crowds. That guy has no idea.
Hallit. We should stop him from taking the guy’s wallet.
Berren. Like how?
Hallit. I don’t know. I just want to embarrass the little punk.
Berren. He didn’t steal your money.
Hallit. Yeah, he stole yours. We should steal something from him.
Berren. Well, you better hurry. He just got the guy’s wallet.
Hallit. I’m going to trip him up and take his sneakers.
Berren. Are you serious?
Hallit. You can take off one and I’ll take off the other, then we run.
Berren. I don’t know. I’ve got to return these books.
Hallit. Come on. He’s going to have to explain to whoever why he doesn’t have shoes on.
Berren. It’s the middle of the day.
Hallit. That makes it better. It’s out in the public like lifting the stone to reveal the roach that he is. Come on, he stole your money. We need to teach him a lesson.
Berren. If anything, it’ll confuse him. It was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. I should have known he was trying to get at my wallet. He got me fair.
Hallit. So you’re not coming with me?
Berren. You’re still going to do it?
Hallit. Yeah.
Berren. Well, don’t get caught, oh. Here take this.
*Berren takes out library books out of a bag and gives the bag to Hallit.
Hallit. What’s this for?
Berren. So you can put the sneakers in.
Hallit. Thanks. See, if you came with me, you could hold him down while he watches me tie his sneakers together and fling them across the telephone wires. Maybe the guy who got his wallet stolen wants to help out even.
Berren. I’ll go ask him for you.
End. Sneakers for the Effort
gentwentysevenfortythree

Karel. What is it?
Ales. I think I left my keys in the flat.
Karel. Are you serious?
Ales. I know I did. They’re on the bed.
Karel. Do you have a spare?
Ales. No.
Karel. What about calling the landlord?
Ales. I’d rather not. This is my fourth time doing this.
Karel. Fourth?
Ales. Yeah. It’s kind of embarrassing. I don’t know what to do.
Karel. Hold on.
Ales. What are you doing? What’s that?
Karel. It’s a lock picking tool.
Ales. What? Why do you have that?
Karel. Call it a hobby.
Ales. You pick locks as a hobby?
Karel. It’s like solving a jigsaw puzzle and it’s practical.
Ales. Are you serious?
Karel. There. I got it.
Ales. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Karel. It’s okay. I use it for good like now.
Ales. I guess so. Can you get into any apartment?
Karel. I don’t know. I’ve never tried. I can get into my apartment, Forsey’s, and now yours.
Ales. Forsey’s? So it was you.
Karel. Yeah.
Ales. Why did you steal his sheets?
Karel. Those were my sheets. I bought them. I wanted them back, but I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
End. Door Three
gentwentytwoseven

Nena. Hey, Stal. What’s up?
Stal. I heard you have a guest staying with you for the weekend.
Nena. Um, yeah. She’s a friend of a friend that I met in Norway.
Stal. Do you mind if I meet her?
Nena. You came all the way to my apartment to meet her?
Stal. Perr was telling me about her and how she likes to fish.
Nena. Yeah, so?
Stal. Nena. I love fishing.
Nena. Yeah, so do fat men in overalls. What’s going through your head?
Stal. I also heard she likes rock climbing.
Nena. You love to rock climb too?
Stal. I just feel like your guest might be the perfect one for me.
Nena. Because she likes to fish and rock climb?
Stal. No, not just that. It was the way Perr described her. I have to meet her, Nena. Can I come in?
Nena. I don’t know. This is unusual. I really don’t know her. What am I supposed to do?
Stal. You can let me in and introduce me to her. If we’re perfect for each other then we’ll hit it off. If not, then c’est la vie.
Nena. Would you want me to explain to her that you think that she might be the one for you?
Stal. Sure. Why not?
Nena. I don’t know if I can let you in, Stal.
Stal. Why not?
Nena. It’s awkward. I just don’t know her well enough. What kind of guest lets strangers come in to be a suitor? Why are you putting me in this kind of situation?
Stal. Please, Nena. I just have this feeling that she’s the one. It’ll be awkward. I know, but I am willing to experience the awkwardness just to meet her.
Nena. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m willing to.
Stal. Birke? Birke, can you hear me? My name is Stal. I need to meet you. Please, can you come to the door?
Nena. I’m sorry, Stal. I’m going to close to door now.
*Nena closes the door
Birke. Who was that at the door?
Nena. Oh, a friend of mine.
Birke. He knows who I am?
Nena. Do you remember Perr?
Birke. Yes. We had lunch with him, didn’t we?
Nena. Yeah, Perr told my friend about you.
Birke. What about me?
Nena. I’m not sure, really. About your interest in fishing and rock climbing.
Birke. Your friend likes fishing and rock climbing?
Nena. I think so.
Birke. Can I meet your friend?
End. Initiating Certainty
gennineteensix

One.
Pater. Have you been having vivid dreams lately?
Natassa. Yeah, why? Have you?
Pater. I think it’s because of the change in weather.
Natassa. Maybe.
Pater. My dreams are really vivid. I feel like I’m really close to controlling them.
Natassa. What do you mean?
Pater. I mean, these are dreams right? So I want to be able to realize that I’m in a dream and go crazy.
Natassa. What would you do?
Pater. I don’t know. I guess it depends on the dream.
Natassa. Give me an example.
Pater. Okay, last night I dreamt that a pack of wolves were chasing me in this castle. All I did was run away and hide in cabinets. I finally got outside, but a wolf caught up to me and started to bite off my fingers. I hated it. If I knew it was a dream, then I think would have had a better time of it.
Natassa. Wouldn’t you still be running away?
Pater. I don’t know. I kind of wonder how much control I could have over my dreams. If I could make a bow and arrow appear then I could defend myself.
Natassa. Why a bow and arrow?
Pater. I don’t know. There’s something cool about setting up an arrow on the string of a bow, pulling back, and letting it go.
Natassa. Last night I dreamed that I met a guy. We were having a really good time together, but when we left each other, we forgot to exchange numbers. I woke up feeling like I missed an opportunity.
Pater. I wonder if I could have the wolves hunt him down.
End. Wolf Prime Minister

Two.
Bronnen. Hey, what’s wrong?
Tania. I had a dream last night that really affected me.
Bronnen. Really?
Tania. It was horrible. There were these two men who had come to take this little boy away from me. The boy ran to me clinging onto me and crying. I could feel the warmth from his tears when I put my cheeks to his eyes. I held him close, then kissed his wet eyes. The two men came up to me and tore him away from me. That was when I woke up.
Bronnen. Are you going to be okay?
Tania. Who were those men? What did this boy do? I don’t understand why they had to take him away. He was only a boy, Bronnen.
Bronnen. I don’t know.
Tania. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do when they took him away. He was reaching out to me when they took him away. I should have done something. He was only a boy. I don’t understand.
End. Said Eyes Unfocused
genfiftenntwelve

Themus. What is this? An airline ticket? Where are you going?
Marga. Kolonihavnen.
Themus. Where is that?
Marga. Greenland.
Themus. I’m a little confused. Why are you going to Greenland?
Marga. I’m going to go to a place where my sleeping patterns match a normal way of life.
Themus. What are you talking about?
Marga. Do you know when the last time I actually got up to eat breakfast when it’s supposed to be breakfast? I can’t remember. I love breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, omelets, Belgium waffles, orange juice, toast, bacon.
Themus. So that’s all you want to do? Eat breakfast?
Marga. I just want to have a normal sleep schedule. Wake up at six in the morning, go to sleep at eleven. I’m like jet lagged right now.
Themus. But you haven’t gone anywhere.
Marga. But it’s as if I flew from Greenland to here. Greenland is my biological clock home.
Themus. When are you leaving?
Marga. Next week.
Themus. For how long?
Marga. I don’t know yet. I can stay there for ninety day without a visa.
Themus. You’re going to stay there for three months?
Marga. I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll see if I can find some work there.
Themus. You’re out of you mind.
Marga. I’ll be sure to see the Aurora Borealis and Fata Morgana.
Themus. What’s Fata Morgana?
Marga. They’re illusions caused by the reflections off of snow, ice, combined with the cold. In the distance, you’ll be able to see things like cities and boats in the middle of nowhere. I can’t wait to go, Themus. I’m finally going to live a good and normal life.
Themus. In Greenland.
End. Fata Morgana
geneighttwelve

Catalin. This beach better be worth it.
Doren. Trust me, it is.
Catalin. All I see is volcano rock to the left and right of me.
Doren. I’m telling you. The sand is so fine that it massages your feet.
Catalin. Really?
Doren. Tourist don’t know about this place and it’s not a surfing spot for the locals, so there’s a good chance we’ll be the only ones there.
Catalin. Well, where is it?
Doren. We’re almost there.
Catalin. I feel like I’m on the moon. There’s nothing here but volcano rock. I could kill you, take off my clothes, and no one would know it.
Doren. Um, yeah. You should be able to see the beach after this hill.
Catalin. Mind if I go ahead?
Doren. Sure. Just watch your step. Last time, a pocket of rock collapsed under a friend of mine, ripping up his legs.
Catalin. Uh, Doren?
Doren. Yeah?
Catalin. The beach isn’t there.
Doren. What?
Catalin. Are you sure this is the right place? Look, it’s all rock, then the ocean.
Doren. It’s gone. I can’t believe it. This is the right path. I mean, we passed the gate.
Catalin. You’ve got to be kidding me. No beach? All this and no beach?
Doren. It must have eroded away.
Catalin. When was the last time you were here?
Doren. A couple months ago?
Catalin. Were there any storms that went by?
Doren. There must have been while I was on the mainland. I can’t believe it’s gone.
Catalin. What do we do now?
Doren. I don’t know.
Catalin. Let’s eat first. I’m hungry.
Doren. Maybe the beach will come back after a couple of months.
Catalin. I don’t know, Doren. Sand doesn’t just jump back onto the coast.
Doren. I’ve never experienced sand like that before. It’s got to come back. I’ll wait for a couple months and come back. The beach’ll be back.
Catalin. I’ll be busy that day.
End. Swimming Grains of Sand
genseventwentythree

Haella. Why do you have separator for the fish tank?
Miron. Oh, Giso is beating up on Uwe. I have to keep them separated.
Haella. Giso? What’s his problem?
Miron. I guess it’s in his nature to beat up on other fish.
Haella. What’s he do? Take his fins and slap Uwe around?
Miron. Nah, he tries to eat off Uwe’s tail and fins. That way, Uwe can’t swim to the food before Giso does.
Haella. Is that why Uwe is smaller than Giso?
Miron. Yeah. It’s the wonders of natural competition at work.
Haella. Poor Uwe. Will he be able to fend for himself?
Miron. I don’t know. Intimidation is already instilled into him. He may grow to be bigger than Giso, but he’s already set on thinking like a scared little fish.
Haella. I think you should put a smaller fish in with Uwe so he could beat it up.
Miron. They’ll probably just live peacefully together.
Haella. Then you should get rid of Giso.
Miron. Why? I like Giso. He lets me pet him.
Haella. You pet your fish?
Miron. Sure. Giso might be a bully, but he has personality. He knows I’m boss.
Haella. Do you have a jar, or a plastic bag? I want to put Giso in it and shake his personality out of his colorful little body.
Miron. I can’t let you do that. Giso cost me thirty dollars.
End. Twenty and a Ten
genfourfifteen

Mariola. So where do you want to eat?
Alvaro. Do you want to go to Berlanga’s?
Mariola. No.
Alvaro. Are you still afraid to go there?
Mariola. Yes. I’m telling you. When we left, I turned back to see our waiter talking to another waiter and pointing at us.
Alvaro. It was your idea to leave Pesos to cover the rest of the bill and tip.
Mariola. We had nothing else. I cannot believe you didn’t bring a credit card.
Alvaro. I keep my cash and cards separate. I just forgot my cards that day.
Mariola. Anyways, I’m not going back there. It’s too soon.
Alvaro. Are you suggesting we lie low until the heat blows over?
Mariola. Or until those two waiters don’t work there anymore.
Alvaro. How do you know they’ll remember us?
Mariola. Pesos, Alvaro. That’s probably the only time they received pesos as partial payment for the bill and tip.
Alvaro. Maybe we should have told them we couldn’t cover the bill. We could have done the dishes or something.
Mariola. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was just so awkward. I couldn’t think straight. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Alvaro. Okay. How about we just rent a movie and order out?
Mariola. Do you have enough cash at home?
Alvaro. Do you still carry Pesos in your purse?
Mariola. That’s not funny.
End. Pesos que caen
genthreetwentyfour

Florella. How long have you had this for?
Octavian. About five years now.
Florella. Has it been that long since I’ve seen you last?
Octavian. I guess it has.
Florella. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bamboo forest in someone’s backyard before.
Octavian. Yeah. This is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands.
Florella. Are you really planning to cut them down and make bamboo spears out of them?
Octavian. For my army to take over the town? Not yet. A couple of more years, and they’ll be ready.
Florella. What do you have against the mayor anyway?
Octavian. She’s a tyrant. Someone has to stop her.
Florella. Don’t you think that having a forest of bamboo will stir suspicion?
Octavian. Maybe, but they can’t prove anything. I just have a forest of bamboo. It’s not like I have laboratory of explosives in my basement.
Florella. Well, it’s nice though. It’ll be a shame to cut the trees down.
Octavian. I’m actually having second thoughts.
Florella. Really?
Octavian. I find myself drawn to these trees.
Florella. That would make sense. You’ve taken care of them all this time.
Octavian. They’re like my children. I think it’ll be hard to cut my children down.
Florella. I guess it comes down to whether you hate the mayor more than you love your bamboo.
Octavian. Right now, I love my bamboo more, but that might change in a couple of years.
Florella. At least I got to see them. I might have to stop you if you try to cut them down.
Octavian. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. Here, knock on the trunk.
Florella. Lovely.
End. Grow Bamboo Grow
gentwonine

Jiji Cat. Can I have a drink of water?
Noriko. I just poured you a fresh bowl. And it’s even filtered water.
Jiji Cat. I don’t know. It’s really difficult to drink from that bowl. It must be a bowl for dogs.
Noriko. No, it’s the same type bowl that you eat your food out of.
Jiji Cat. Really? That can’t be. It’s really difficult to drink from this bowl. I’m pretty sure it’s a dog bowl if not then it’s a bowl only for eating from, so I can’t drink from it.
Noriko. I have another bowl for you to drink out of.
Jiji Cat. I don’t know. It’s probably another dog bowl.
Noriko. It’s one of my own bowls. It’s a human bowl. Don’t you want to be like a human and drink out of my bowl?
Jiji Cat. Humans don’t drink out of bowls.
Noriko. That is true. Well at least not normally.
Jiji Cat. Why can’t I just drink out of the bathtub faucet?
Noriko. It’s just seems like a waste of water to me. What happens when I go out and you’re thirsty? Do you expect me to leave it on all day?
Jiji Cat. Why not? You don’t pay for water. I overheard the landlord. Water and heat are included in rent.
Noriko. It’s still a waste of water. Gallons of water go to waste so that you drink a quarter of a cup a day. That’s not right.
Jiji Cat. Well, I’m not drinking from a dog bowl. What are you going to do? Let me dehydrate?
Noriko. You can easily hydrate yourself by drinking the filtered water I put out for you. It’s cold and clean. It’s much better than the water from the faucet.
Jiji Cat. But the water doesn’t flow. I need to drink from flowing water. Your neighbors will find out that you’re abusing me.
Noriko. I’m not abusing you. You’re abusing yourself.
Jiji Cat. I want you to turn on the bathtub faucet.
Noriko. You have to learn that your have to drink from your bowl.
Jiji Cat. Are you going to turn on the faucet?
Noriko. No.
Jiji Cat. Turn on the faucet.
Noriko. There is water for you now. Look, I’ll even change the water again. Here.
Jiji Cat. I’m going to the faucet. You better follow me and open that faucet. And don’t open it all the way. It needs to be a trickle so I can lap from it.
Noriko. I have to go now. There’s water in the bowl. Please drink from it.
Jiji Cat. I’ll let you pet me.
Noriko. Sorry. I’ll leave the light on. I’ll see you later tonight.
Jiji Cat. Meow?
End. Animal Wrong
genonetwentysix

Boden. You really shouldn’t have gotten me something.
Elsa. Yeah, I actually thought about it. I mean. How many times have we seen each other?
Boden. I think you can count it in hours.
Elsa. I know. And now you’re leaving. So, what the heck. I got you something as a going away present. It seems appropriate in a way.
Boden. You really shouldn’t have. I didn’t get you something. What would have I gotten you? I really don’t know. I’m not exactly sure what you like. I guess I could have gotten you something as thoughtless as perfume or flowers.
Elsa. You would have gotten me flowers?
Boden. No, probably not. Maybe after a couple more hours of being with you.
Elsa. Well, I didn’t get you flowers or perfume.
Boden. That’s good because I would have had to explain that I’m a man.
Elsa. I would have enjoyed your attempt to convince me that you are a man.
Boden. Attempt? So where’s my gift? Is it a dress?
Elsa. Come on in, I have it inside.
Boden. I was looking forward to it, but now since I’m imagining it being a dress, I’m preparing myself to give you a polite thank you.
Elsa. Now I wish I got you a dress. Have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?
Boden. I don’t know, what do you have?
Elsa. Let’s see. Water, Diet Seven Up, milk? I could make you some tea.
Boden. Do you have peppermint.
Elsa. I think I do. Would you like some?
Boden. Sure.
Elsa. So, while the water is coming to a boil, let me get you your gift.
Boden. I don’t know how to feel anymore.
Elsa. Just accept it. Here. I’m sure you’ll like it.
Boden. Before I open it, I just want to tell you that I’ve enjoyed the hours that we’ve had together.
Elsa. I have too, it’s too bad that you’re leaving. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a friend yanked out of my life quite as quickly.
Boden. Strangely enough, it happens to me all the time.
Elsa. Really?
Boden. I feel like I’m living out TV episodes of The Fugitive. I arrive, get to know a hand full of people, then poof, the cops come and chase me away.
Elsa. Sounds like the A Team to me.
Boden. It’s a common theme.
Elsa. Even though I don’t know you all that well, I think I would lie to the cops so that you could get away.
Boden. You could go to jail for that.
Elsa. Oh, then never mind.
Boden. Well gee. That’s reassuring. Threaten to pummel you with pillows and you would rat me out.
Elsa. Maybe if I knew you for a couple more hours, then yes, I would lie to the cops for you.
Boden. Well how many hours would it take?
Elsa. I don’t know, but you’re almost there.
Boden. What? Three? Four?
Elsa. I think a good eight hours more would be sufficient.
Boden. I’m up for eight more hours. I’ll even make it eight and a half to make it a Fellini film.
Elsa. Oh, the water’s boiling. I’ll get the tea.
Boden. Do you mind if I open the gift now?
Elsa. No, go ahead. Do you want honey in yours?
Boden. Yes, please. What’s this? I really like it. I like how the snow slowly swirls past the corners the buildings. Thank you very much. I definitely won’t throw it away.
Elsa. Um, thanks. I think there’s something quietly nostalgic about snow globes. I’ve always enjoyed snow falling. And since it’s been snowing, I thought it would be fitting. Call it a quiet nostalgic reminder of me.
Boden. Thank you.
End. Life Les Miserables

Emil. I was talking to my mom the other day.
Livi. Really? I love your mother. She has a really good sense of humor. It’s kind of sad that you didn’t pick it up.
Emil. I’m more like my father. I use other people’s jokes and make them my own. So I was talking to my mom on the phone.
Livi. Whom I love.
Emil. Right, and she tells me that the first date she had with my dad was watching The Godfather.
Livi. Really? I’ve never seen that movie. That’s with Marlon Brando, right?
Emil. The Godfather. Not exactly a date movie. It’s a bit on the long side, but it’s The Godfather. Amazing. What a way to start dating.
Livi. With The Godfather? What’s the big deal?
Emil. Out of all the movies to do on a date on, my father takes my mom to The Godfather. It’s like they had to marry after that.
Livi. Because of The Godfather?
Emil. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to find someone. I haven’t been taking them to monumental films. I’ve been taking them to dinky films like The Royal Tennenbaums or Amelie.
Livi. I liked Amelie.
Emil. Yeah, but it’s not The Godfather.
Livi. So what would be a monument film?
Emil. You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t think of one.
Livi. I’m sure one will come around.
Emil. Feel like watching The Godfather?
End. The Godfather and Marriage

Massimo. What’s this, a water gun?
Lemmy. Yup.
Massimo. Don’t the kids have super soakers now? This is something I would have played with in my day.
Lemmy. I don’t believe you.
Massimo. No really. During the summer, we would run around, squirting each other. That, or tossing water balloon at each other like grenades.
Lemmy. You? You were never a kid.
Massimo. Can’t imagine it, can you?
Lemmy. Nope.
Massimo. So it can’t be true, right?
Lemmy. Right.
Massimo. So, why do have this and not a super soaker?
Lemmy. Can I see that?
Massimo. Here.
*Lemmy points the water gun at Massimo
Massimo. Hold on there. What? You’re going to shoot me?
*Lemmy points to Massimo’s shoulder and squirts a line of water on it
Massimo. One more squirt, Lemmy. One more.
Lemmy. I didn’t even soak you. Do you know how much water one squirt is? I measured it. It’s a little more than a tablespoon. About a tablespoon of water got that reaction from you. The goal is not to soak, but to hit with accuracy. A super soaker is a sloppy water gun. Not only you would be soaked, but my floor and maybe my bed behind you. This is clean. I got this for a dollar and I can hit inside people’s ears.
Massimo. Remind me never to buy you a bb gun.
*Lemmy aims at Massimo’s other shoulder
End. Aim Squirt

Moio. Hey, how are ya, Seiji?
Seiji. I’m doing good, Moio. It looks like a busy night tonight.
Moio. I wish every night was like this, you know what I mean? Let me take care of this customer, then I’ll take care of you.
Seiji. Sure, Moio. You take your time.
Moio. Here’s you’re pepperoni, extra large. You need anything else?
Customer. Nah, I’m good. Thanks a lot.
Moio. Sure sure, enjoy the pie.
Customer. Bye.
Moio. Okay now, what can I do for you, Seiji?
Seiji. Actually, I have a favor to ask of you.
Moio. Anything, name it.
Seiji. My son’s birthday is coming up next month. I was wondering if we could have the party here. In your pizzeria. Do you think that’s a possibility? You know how much Toshiro loves this place.
Moio. Hey guys, Seiji wants to have his son’s birthday party here. In the pizzeria. This is the best news I’ve heard all week. You know what I’m going to do?
Seiji. What’s that?
Moio. I’m going to bring your son back here and have him make his own pizza. He can put anything he wants on it. Doesn’t matter to me, he’s the birthday boy. So when’s the party going to be?
Seiji. Next month, on the seventeenth.
Moio. Hey people, just to let you know, the pizzeria’s gonna be closed the seventeenth, next month. I don’t want to hear about it. Adriano.
Adriano. Yeah?
Moio. You gotta make some signs saying we’re gonna be closed that day.
Adriano. You got it.
Seiji. There’s another favor I want to ask you, Moio.
Moio. Shoot.
Seiji. Can you make your cannolis for the party as well?
Moio. I’ll make my special Roman Cannoli, you wouldn’t believe how good it is.
End. Pizza Party

Mari. That’s a lot of police cars.
Kees. Yeah. It is.
Mari. What’s going on here? Are they all for you?
Kees. Me? Come on. No.
Mari. Oh, look over there. They all look pretty shocked, don’t they? I wonder what they did.
Kees. Bunch of drug dealers. You can smell it on them.
Mari. Is that what that is? Kees?
Kees. Yeah?
Mari. Is that guy staring at you?
Kees. Which one?
Mari. One of the dealers against the wall. The one in the white shirt.
Kees. Yeah, he is.
Mari. Do you know him?
Kees. Yeah, I do. I set him up.
Mari. You what?
Kees. I told him about this place. Told him where he could get stuff cheap so he could deal it out. Then I call the cops and tell them about the place.
Mari. How do you know this guy?
Kees. A friend knows him. He bumped into us when we were having lunch, asking us to hook him up.
Mari. So you told him about this place?
Kees. He’s a dealer and a cheat. He’s a bridge from the underworld to this world. I’m just burning him so no one can use him anymore.
Mari. How did you know about this place?
Kees. I knew another bridge who I thought was a friend, but all he wanted from me was to be a subscriber. See the guy with the aloha shirt on?
Mari. Is that the other bridge?
Kees. Yeah.
Mari. Looks like you burned down four today.
Kees. Heh, let’s go.
End. Burning Bridges

Willem. Hey look at that.
Carice. What is it?
Willem. Over there by the corner. The car.
Carice. That car must be from the fifties.
Willem. They don’t make cars like that anymore.
Carice. It’s not moving anywhere. You can only see one headlight and part of the grille from here.
Willem. Yeah, I kind of want to see the rest of the car.
Carice. It’s kind of funny, but the car looks like it’s hiding from us, taking a peek from the corner.
Willem. That man. Look, he must have come out of the car.
Carice. I would say so. Look how he’s dressed, and a cane no less. You, think there’s a knife in that cane?
Willem. Should I try to mug him to find out?
Carice. Why don’t you just ask him?
Willem. How easy would that be?
Carice. Hey, I didn’t know anyone lived in that building.
Willem. I didn’t think so either. What’s he doing? Is he going to go in?
Carice. I don’t know. I think he wants to go in.
Willem. Why doesn’t he? He’s just standing there.
Carice. I wonder what’s in that building.
Willem. Want to follow him if he goes in?
Carice. I don’t know. If we do I think we should bring something to defend ourselves just in case.
Willem. Like a weapon?
Carice. Yeah. Do you have anything?
Willem. I have a compound bow.
Carice. What? Like a bow and arrow?
Willem. Yeah. It was a random gift from the guys at work.
Carice. Isn’t it kind of big?
Willem. Yes, but that’s all I have that might be intimidating.
Carice. I think it’s more confusing than intimidating.
Willem. It’s better than being amusing.
Carice. Look, there he goes. Hurry, get your bow.
Willem. Really?
Carice. Hurry.
Willem. Okay.
End. Potential Confusing Intimidation

Sten. Doesn’t that look like Karin? It’s not her, but doesn’t she look like her?
Finn. I guess so. I think she’s taller than Karin.
Sten. She even walks like her.
Finn. I actually bumped into Karin the other day.
Sten. Really? Where?
Finn. Where was it? Oh right. It was at the library. She was doing some research on lumber companies.
Sten. I really respect her. She’s really intelligent. I really enjoy having conversations with her.
Finn. Yeah. She seems easy to talk to. She was explaining the economics of lumber in such a way that I wanted to be in lumber.
Sten. She’s not married is she?
Finn. Not that I know of.
Sten. She’ll make a good wife.
Finn. I’m sure there are men in lumber that have given her nice pieces of oak.
Sten. What? Really?
Finn. I don’t know.
Sten. She would like a jazz vinyl record.
Finn. Really? She likes jazz?
Sten. Yeah, I remember how she explained a Thelonious Monk piece to me, and that you can only listen to jazz on a record player.
Finn. Sounds like a purist.
Sten. You don’t happen to have her number do you?
Finn. I think I do. It’s back at home though. Give me a call, and I’ll give it to you.
Sten. Thanks. It’s been a while since I last talked to her. I think it’ll be nice to talk to her again.
Finn. Yeah.
End. Sten Likes Karin

Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What’s it like having no friends?
Palle. At first it’s hard, but you get used to it. The reason why I have no friends is not because I am a unsocial person. You know me, I’m quite social. It just doesn’t seem natural right now.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What do you mean?
Palle. I feel like if I say something it’ll only be for the sake of gaining attention from others.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What’s wrong with that?
Palle. It’s the verbal equivalent of coloring my hair green. I catch myself whenever I talk. I might as well be saying, “look at me, I’m special.”
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So you don’t want people to know who you are?
Palle. No, I do, but not in a manner where I’m forcing them to get to know me. I find myself doing this. I tell them really menial things about myself like, I like gum or I’m allergic to cats.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Nothing’s wrong with that. I really don’t understand what the problem is.
Palle. I’m kind of doing it now. I’m making something that should not be a big deal into a drama. I really want to stop this.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So you tend to dramatize your life?
Palle. I guess I do it to make me feel like my life has some sort of worth.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So if you don’t dramatize your life, you feel as though your life is worthless?
Palle. Yeah, I think so. It’s so ingrained into my life that I can barely recognize it.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Let’s get back to having no friends.
Palle. Oh, right. So I guess I don’t want to have friends who will be friends with me because of what I say, rather what I do.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Isn’t that idealizing friendship to an unrealistic level?
Palle. And that too dramatizes my life. I just want things to be simple.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Then, I think you should not worry about the process of making friends.
Palle. I guess I can’t help myself. Drama; that’s what I subconsciously want.
End. Subconscious Drama

Ingrid. This weather is not agreeing with me.
Bente. Really? I kind of like it. It’s nice and depressing.
Ingrid. That’s not a good thing. It’s really bringing me down. I don’t feel like doing anything.
Bente. Didn’t you go to classes?
Ingrid. I had an exam today, but I didn’t go to it.
Bente. What? What are you going to do?
Ingrid. I don’t know. I hate this weather.
Bente. What class was it for?
Ingrid. One of my Chemistry classes. It’s for my major.
Bente. Do you think the Professor’s going to let you take it at another time?
Ingrid. I don’t know. I just want to get out of here.
Bente. But what about the exam? Aren’t you going to fail that class?
Ingrid. Yeah, I guess so. I should go somewhere where it’s warm and sunny, like California.
Bente. I’ve never been to California before.
Ingrid. Do you want to go?
Bente. What? When?
Ingrid. This week?
Bente. I don’t know. I’m not having thoughts of escape right now. I’m actually doing fine. I don’t need to escape this place anymore.
Ingrid. I do. I’ve got to get out of here. Do you want to come with me?
Bente. I don’t know. If you asked me a month earlier, I would have gone, but now ... Ingrid. I mean, I’m going through this weather, and I’m loving it. The rain, the grey sky, the cold. I’m preferring this to clear weather and sunshine.
Ingrid. Why? I hate it. It takes all of my energy right out of me.
Bente. I don’t know. I’m more real in this weather. I can think straight. On nice days, I just want to do nothing.
Ingrid. Okay, you’re weird.
Bente. Smell that cold. Don’t you feel more alive? It’s like a mint.
Ingrid. Remind me never to marry you.
Bente. I’ll take you off my list.
End. Weather Result

Anke. How was your day?
Holst. I met a bird today.
Anke. Really?
Holst. It was the size of a baseball. I was on my way to return some library books and this bird chirped while it was skittering away from me. It went, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. What kind of bird was it?
Holst. I don’t know really. As I got closer to it, the bird skittered faster going from one side of the sidewalk to the other. I walked faster, you know, to make it fly, but it wouldn’t. He would continue to skitter along in a zigzag, chirping, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. What color was it?
Holst. I don’t remember, I just remember it’s tail when it finally decided to fly. It had a white base that faded into a brownish grey feathers. But then the bird landed only a few meters away in front of me chirping, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. Sounds like it was mocking you.
Holst. I wanted to kick a stone at it.
End. Pyowb Pyowb

*door rings*
Annette. Can you get that? That’s probably Dad.
Yor. Sure.
*Yor opens door*
Yor. Hello Mr. Tavers. It good to see you again. How was the drive?
Mr. Tavers. Hello.
Yor. Please come in. Annette is in the living room, watching television.
Annette. Daddy! Come sit by me.
Mr. Tavers. Hey girl, what are you watching?
Annette. Some documentary on hippopotamuses. It’s really interesting. This one herd of hippos sustains the lives of the other animals living in the watering hole. It’s like everything is centered around them.
Mr. Tavers. How are you feeling? How’s the baby doing?
Annette. I don’t think he wants to come out anymore. It’s like he’s trying to climb up rather than down.
Mr. Tavers. You’ll be fine. I’m going to take care of you.
Yor. Annette? Mr. Tavers? Would you like anything to drink? Water? Tea?
Annette. I’ll have a glass of orange juice. Do you want anything Daddy?
Mr. Tavers. No, I’m fine.
Annette. Thanks for coming, Daddy. You didn’t have to.
Mr. Tavers. Well, I know the baby’s due at any moment, so I wanted to be here for you.
Annette. Thanks, Daddy. Look, one of the mother hippos gave birth to a baby.
Mr. Tavers. You’re not tired or anything are you?
Annette. No, I’m fine.
Yor. Here’s your juice. Are you sure you don’t want anything, Mr. Tavers?
Annette. Yeah, have something, Daddy. Yor can make you a sandwich or something.
Mr. Tavers. No thanks. So, have you prepared everything for the baby? Have you bought a crib, clothing?
Annette. Of course we have. We have everything all taken care of.
Mr. Tavers. How are you going to support the child?
Annette. What do you mean?
Mr. Tavers. You have to stay home and take care of the child.
Annette. Right?
Mr. Tavers. Then where are you going to get the money to support the baby?
Annette. What do you mean? Yor has a job.
Mr. Tavers. As what?
Annette. I told you already. He’s working at the auto parts store.
Mr. Tavers. That’s not a job. How are you going to live on that salary?
Yor. That job is only temporary, Mr. Tavers. Once I finish my degree, I’ll be able to find a better job. I have one more semester left.
Mr. Tavers. What college do you go to?
Yor. I’m attending the community college.
Mr. Tavers. You think you can find a better job with a degree from a community college? Community college is for the Army to recruit from.
Annette. Dad!
Mr. Tavers. Tell me, Yor. How old are you?
Yor. Twenty eight.
Mr. Tavers. Your twenty eight, and you’re still in college? What’s wrong with you? I cannot believe my daughter married someone like you.
Annette. Dad, you going to have to leave now.
Mr. Tavers. What? If anything you should be coming with me.
Annette. No. I’m staying here, with Yor. Please, Dad. You need to think about the things you’ve said.
Mr. Tavers. But, Annie.
Annette. No, you have to have more faith in us. It does not help if you just criticize Yor like that. He’s my husband, Dad. I have faith in him. How does it help if you criticize like that? Please, you need to leave now.
Mr. Tavers. I just want you to have a better life.
Annette. Please, Dad. Just go.
Mr. Tavers. If you need me, just give me a call.
*Mr. Tavers leaves*
Yor. I’m sorry, Annette.
Annette. Come here. Let’s watch the hippos.
End. Watching the Hippos

Helma. I had a strange day today.
Joss. Really?
Helma. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I’m still confused.
Joss. What happened?
Helma. I was eating lunch outside of this café.
Joss. Sounds normal enough, what did you have?
Helma. French bread and butter.
Joss. For lunch? That’s kind of strange.
Helma. Oh, but this French bread was fresh and steaming. I had nothing like it.
Joss. Interesting, but that was not the strange thing. So what happened?
Helma. This man came and sat at a chair by my table.
Joss. Really? He didn’t ask or anything?
Helma. No, he just sat down while I ate my bread. At first I thought maybe there weren’t anymore seats to take, but I looked around and there were like three tables open.
Joss. Weren’t you nervous?
Helma. Kind of, but I just stayed there, spreading butter on slices of French bread and eating them. I was actually prepared to have a conversation with him. You know, maybe he wanted to talk, but he didn’t. Well, not exactly.
Joss. What do you mean?
Helma. He did talk, but it was not to me.
Joss. He was talking to himself then?
Helma. I guess so. At first he looked at the black board with the specials written on it through the café’s window, then he mumbled something about it and laughed.
Joss. Something on the black board made him laugh?
Helma. I don’t know maybe, but most of his mumbling had this sarcastic edge to it. I felt like sarcastically mumbling in response.
Joss. Did you?
Helma. No, I’m not crazy.
Joss. Yes, that’s true.
Helma. Anyway, the guy kept on mumbling until I could finally make out what I think he said, “Paul Simon.”
Joss. Paul Simon?
Helma. At this point he looked up and our eyes met. I think he asked me, “Do you know Paul Simon?”
Joss. What did you say?
Helma. I didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head that I did. Then he went back into his mumbling. I think I could make out lyrics from one of his songs.
Joss. Which one? “I am a Rock?”
Helma. Yeah, that would make sense wouldn’t it? But I think I heard lyrics from “You Can Call Me Al.”
Joss. Maybe his name is Al.
Helma. I don’t know. Maybe his name was Paul Simon.
Joss. Did he look like Paul Simon?
Helma. No, this guy looked like Dennis Hopper, but much older.
Joss. Okay?
Helma. So, I thought he was a homeless guy, right? But then he pulls out this clear plastic container of fruit and starts to eat it.
Joss. Really? What kind of fruit?
Helma. They were cut strawberries, cantaloupe, melon, apples maybe, but get this it also had Kiwi.
Joss. Really? Kiwi? Kiwi’s expensive.
Helma. Yeah I know. I even looked at the price tag on the container. The fruit cost three dollars and eighty-six cents.
Joss. Do crazy people prefer kiwi?
Helma. I don’t know, but he finished the kiwi first before the other fruit. He never finished the fruit at the table. He closed the container and put it back in his brown paper bag and kept repeating, “amazing, amazing.” Then he got up and left. I watched him walk down the sidewalk until I couldn’t distinguish him from the crowds of people walking along side of him.
Joss. “Amazing?” So he must have enjoyed the kiwi.
Helma. I don’t know. The tone of his voice was sarcastic. I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the fruit or me.
Joss. You? You think he thought you were amazing?
Helma. No no, the way he said, “amazing” made me think that he was sarcastically amazed at the way I ignored him.
Joss. What do you mean?
Helma. I mean. I didn’t talk to him. There he was and I didn’t make an effort to talk to him. Maybe that’s why he sat down at my table. Just to talk.
Joss. But you were nervous, and a little confused.
Helma. I wanted to talk to him, but yeah I guess I was a little confused.
Joss. What would you have said?
Helma. I don’t know. How was the Kiwi? Have you seen the Graduate? Do you like Chevy Chase? I should have talked to him.
End. Kiwi Preference