Gad. So what’s the plan?
Hasso. When I set the exterior alarm off, a security car will come to check it out. It takes about fifteen minutes in light traffic and up to half an hour in heavy traffic. Pay attention to congestion. We go pending traffic.
Gad. Thirty minutes? What kind of security company is this?
Hasso. It’s one of those companies that only provide a false sense of security. You pay for sensors, an alarm, and a sign saying that you have a security system. They’re like insurance companies. They take your money and hope you never have an alarm.
Gad. So, what happens when the security car comes?
Hasso. There’s only going to be one guard that will come. We’ll just wait for him. He’ll only see me when he comes. You’ll be out of the way. He’ll see how small I am, and won’t be threatened. If he saw you, he might have other thoughts.
Gad. That’s true.
Hasso. Before he asks me what I’m doing there, I’ll explain to him how embarrassed I am to set off the alarm, that I was just waiting for a friend who works here, but I was just checking to see if she was inside the office, to surprise her. Anyways, he’s going to open the office to check the alarm and the rest of the office. This is when you come in.
Gad. Okay.
Hasso. The lock to one of the office doors is located on the bottom of the door as well as on the handle. I’ll be conversing with him about his job when you surprise and knock him out while he’s on his knees.
Gad. Then we’re in.
Hasso. But we’ve got to use his car as a blockade on the street. It’ll give us more time to get out.
Gad. Can I do that?
Hasso. Sorry, you need to move the cases into the van. I’ll move the security car.
Gad. So the cases go in the van, and that’s that?
Hasso. That’s that.
Gad. To heavy traffic.
Hasso. Heavy traffic.
End. To Heavy Traffic

One.
Cashier Birgit. Can’t sleep?
Goten. Excuse me?
Cashier Birgit. The pills. You can’t sleep?
Goten. No, I guess I can’t.
Cashier Birgit. My sister had insomnia once. She almost went crazy.
Goten. I’m not going crazy.
Cashier Birgit. I’m sorry, sir. That’ll be five thirty-nine.

Two.
Cashier Mariana. Can I recommend something do you?
Goten. What is it?
Cashier Mariana. I’ve taken these sleep aids before.
Goten. Oh.
Cashier Mariana. You should get the store brand. They’re cheaper and are exactly the same.
Goten. I see. If you don’t mind, I’m in kind of a hurry. I’ll just these. Maybe next time.
Cashier Mariana. Sure, I’ll ring this up for you over here.

Three.
Cashier Ioana. Six forty-three is your change.
Goten. Thank you.
Cashier Ioana. I hope you’ll be able to sleep.
Goten. Thank you. I hope so too.

Four.
Cashier Anneliese. I’m sorry, I have to get a price check on these pills.
Goten. Oh, okay.
Cashier Anneliese. Lutz? Need a price check on four. Price check on four.
Goten. I can go check myself.
Cashier Anneliese. No, you stay here. It’ll be quick. So, you can’t sleep huh?
Goten. Can I ask you a question?
Cashier Anneliese. Sure.
Goten. If I were to ring up acne medication, and it had to be priced checked, would you ask if I had pimples?
Cashier Anneliese. No, I guess I wouldn’t.
Goten. How about Preparation H? Would you ask about my hemorrhoids?
Cashier Anneliese. Of course not.
Goten. Then why sleeping pills?
Cashier Anneliese. I don’t know, it doesn’t seem as embarrassing. There’re no secrets in not being able to sleep.
Goten. I guess that makes sense.
Cashier Anneliese. It’s like cold medicine. I sometimes ask people about their colds when they buy cold medicine. There’s hardly anything embarrassing about having a cold. I guess I feel bad for you not being able to sleep.
Goten. I see.
Lutz. Need a price check, Anneliese?

Five.
Goten. I heard you had invisible pills and I want to purchase some.
Imperial Megathere. Invisible pills? Are you a voyeur, are you?
Goten. No.
Imperial Megathere. Then why do you want invisible pills? Do you want to disappear?
Goten. Yes.
End. No Secrets in Not Sleeping

Antonella. Where were you?
Renate. Yesterday?
Antonella. Yeah.
Renate. I snuck into the building.
Antonella. You did? How?
Renate. I picked the lock.
Antonella. What about the alarm?
Renate. I waited for security to arrive, but they could not find me.
Antonella. Where did you hide?
Renate. In my locker. I left it unlocked before I left work.
Antonella. They didn’t find you?
Renate. No. They almost did though.
Antonella. What about the cameras?
Renate. I wore a mask wore a shirt that said, “Bob.”
Antonella. You’re so weird.
Renate. It took me months to pick that type of lock quickly.
Antonella. So what did you do in there?
Renate. It’s different when no one is in the building.
Antonella. Did you steal anything?
Renate. No.
Antonella. So you just broke into the building for no reason?
Renate. It was an extreme lonely quiet. All the computers were off. You could only hear the vending machine humming, which made everything else more quiet. What?
Antonella. You’re going back again, aren’t you?
Renate. I’ve got to go again before they get dogs.
End. Extreme Lonely Quiet

Greta. Do you know what your problem is?
Tommaso. What is my problem?
Greta. You can only have me all to yourself. You cannot share me.
Tommaso. No, I guess I can’t.
Greta. I don’t think you’ve ever met any of my friends.
Tommaso. Do you think I should?
Greta. It would be normal, wouldn’t it?
Tommaso. But is there something wrong with our friendship?
Greta. I think so. I’m isolated from everyone when I’m with you. It’s just us Tommaso, then everyone else.
Tommaso. You’re the only one I can trust.
Greta. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t be the only one. Think about it. How can I be the only one you trust? Was it by chance that out of all the people you could have met that I would be the one person you can trust?
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I can’t be the only one. There has to be other people you can trust. I can’t believe that I’m the only one.
Tommaso. There might be others that I can trust, but I only need one person I can trust, and you’re the one.
Greta. I wish I wasn’t, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I’m leading two different lives. One with you, and one with the rest of the world. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m exhausted, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What are you going to do?
Greta. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just telling you how I feel.
Tommaso. What will make you happy?
Greta. I don’t know anymore.
End. Greta Greta

Ettore. Here you are.
Elke. Hey, Ettore.
Ettore. I don’t think there are many things lonelier than swimming at a hotel pool at night.
Elke. Eating a cup of yogurt in your car during an autumn drizzle is up there, but I’m not swimming.
Ettore. Oh? What are you doing then?
Elke. I’m just watching the reflection of the pool water against the ceiling.
Ettore. Geeze, that might be lonelier than swimming at night. Do you mind if I sit next to you.
Elke. No, go ahead. Do you want a stone?
Ettore. What? Why?
Elke. So you can throw it into the pool. Here.
Ettore. Okay? So I just throw it in?
Elke. Watch how the stone affects the pool’s reflection.
Ettore. Okay.
*Ettore throws the stone
Ettore. Now what?
Elke. Quiet. You can hear the stone float down to the bottom of the pool.
Ettore. Wow, there’s no way for me to leave.
Elke. I’m sorry?
End. Puh-tuh

Babe. Hey.
Honey. Hey, Babe. I’m sorry. Did I wake you?
Babe. Yeah, it’s okay. Are you dressed?
Honey. Yeah, I am.
Babe. Are you going somewhere?
Honey. I’m going to go driving.
Babe. What time is it?
Honey. It’s almost one.
Babe. One o’clock? Come to bed. It’s too late to go anywhere.
Honey. That’s why I’m going now, Babe.
Babe. What do you mean?
Honey. No one’s going to be on the road. I’ll be able to drive without traffic.
Babe. Is that why you’re going out?
Honey. Yeah. The traffic here depresses me. Now’s the only chance I can enjoy driving.
Babe. I hate the traffic here.
Honey. I know.
Babe. Hon?
Honey. Yeah, Babe?
Babe. I’m taking the other car.
End. No One Driving, but Honey and Babe

One.
Nyanta. So, what did you think of the movie?
Nimon. I thought the director’s efforts were a step down from his previous two films. I’m disappointed, really. I thought the director had a lot of potential to do great things.
Nyanta. It’s a light comedy. Didn’t you enjoy it?
Nimon. I thought the combination of the camera work and the comedy didn’t mix well together. It was like watching two different movies.
Nyanta. What if they were separate movies? Would you like them then?
Nimon. I would not because the characters were weak, thus weakening the tension of the plot. Actually, there was no tension.
Nyanta. Remind me never to watch a movie with you again.

Two.
Nyanta. How’s your dish?
Nimon. I’ve had better in another restaurant.
Nyanta. Really? Which one?
Nimon. Have you heard of Le Sans Souci?
Nyanta. No, where is it?
Nimon. Rome. The sauce does have the same sort of richness of Le Sans Souci, and the ratio of herbs is unfocused. The chef just threw herbs in the dish without any thought.
Nyanta. So you don’t like it?
Nimon. It’s just better when I had it in Rome.
Nyanta. Remind me never to go to a restaurant with you again.

Three.
Nyanta. So how was your date with Bamela?
Nimon. She is a nervous kisser. She was not sure how to handle her hands, and she was shifting back and forth.
Nyanta. You kissed her?
Nimon. I took her hand and drew her towards me and we kissed.
Nyanta. But you didn’t enjoy it?
Nimon. Her nervousness made the experience less enjoyable.
Nyanta. Remind me never to date you ever.
End. Deconstruction of Life

One.
Attila. Leyla?
Leyla. Yes?
Attila. I lost you. Where are you?
Leyla. We’re in Chinatown, on Race, going east towards ninth.
Attila. Chinatown? What’s she doing in Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. How did you lose us?
Attila. Oh, I stopped to get a pretzel.
Leyla. You and your pretzels.
Attila. Has she gone into any stores?
Leyla. Not really. She seems to know people here though.
Attila. Why?
Leyla. People just come up to her and greet her. Hold on, now she’s turned south on ninth, which doesn’t make any sense.
Attila. Why is that?
Leyla. Because she came from Market East Station. She’s going in circles.
Attila. She has to know that she’s being followed.
Leyla. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen me.
Attila. Those people greeting her. They’re telling her where you are.
Leyla. You’re right. I have to stop.
Attila. No, wait. We have to figure out why she’s there. What’s around Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. Reading Terminal, the Convention Center, Greyhound.
Attila. Greyhound? It’s a little past 7:00. She’s going there. Find out what buses are leaving within the next two hours.
Leyla. Okay, I’ll call you back.

Two.
Leyla. Attila?
Attila. What do you have?
Leyla. Pick me up. We’re going to Harrisburg.
End. Attila Throws His Pretzel Away

Attila. Hey.
Leyla. Hey.
Attila. Where are you?
Leyla. I’m on Locust past 15th walking towards Rittenhouse Square.
Attila. Do you see her?
Leyla. She’s a couple meters ahead of me.
Attila. Did she see you?
Leyla. I don’t think so. Who normally thinks their being followed?
Attila. Well, good. Anything interesting happen so far?
Leyla. Not really. She bought a pretzel on the street. Hey, Attila?
Attila. Yes?
Leyla. Why am I following her? I mean, why don’t you do it?
Attila. Because if she sees me, she’ll know that I’m following her. If she sees you, then it’s just mere coincidence.
Leyla. Did you already go to get the toaster for me?
Attila. Yes, I did. $100. Who buys a $100 toaster?
Leyla. It’s nice isn’t it? I’ll make you some toast when this is all done. Wait a minute.
Attila. What is it?
Leyla. I think there’s someone else following Iroda.
Attila. What? Who is it?
Leyla. I don’t know him. I noticed him when we got off the Walnut-Locust Station. I’m pretty sure he’s following her.
Attila. Where is he?
Leyla. He’s across the street and ahead of me.
Attila. I wonder if anyone else is following her.
Leyla. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Attila, he’s crossing the street.
Attila. Where’s Iroda?
Leyla. She’s turning into a street. The guy’s approaching her.
Attila. Which street?
Leyla. Mozart Place.
Attila. Mozart Place? That’s a tiny alley street. Why is she going there?
Leyla. Attila, the guy has a knife. I have to go.
Attila. Wait wait, Leyla? Hello?
End. Never Reaching Rittenhouse Square

Florella. Octavian.
Octavian. Hi, Florella.
Florella. I heard that you’re going to start your revolution against the mayor.
Octavian. It’s true.
Florella. Are you going to cut down your bamboo?
Octavian. Do you remember when we talked about my decision to cut down the bamboo?
Florella. You said that you would cut down your bamboo when you hated the mayor more than you love your bamboo. Is that how you feel?
Octavian. I still love my bamboo. They’re like my children, but the mayor cannot imprison the town anymore.
Florella. Then why do you have to cut your bamboo down?
Octavian. So I can make spears and tools for the revolution.
Florella. You’re definitely going to do it? You’re going to cut down the bamboo?
Octavian. I’m afraid so. Florella. What’s that?
Florella. It’s my father’s sword.
Octavian. Why have you brandished it?
End. To Stop Octavian

Ernst. I almost died today.
Karoly. What? What happened?
Ernst. I was riding my bike to the grocery store, you know, for dinner, but you know how it was slippery out today.
Karoly. Yeah, because of the rain.
Ernst. Traffic was heavy, so I decided to ride on the sidewalk, but when I tried to get on to the sidewalk, my tires lost traction and I slid into a bush.
Karoly. Were you okay?
Ernst. I just scraped my palms trying to catch myself, but look at this. See the red mark on my throat?
Karoly. How did that happen?
Ernst. When I fell, I fell towards the end of tree branch on the ground.
Karoly. That was from a tree branch?
Ernst. If I didn’t stop, it would have gone through my neck.
Karoly. But you’re okay right?
Ernst. I am, but I can’t stop thinking what would have happened to me if the stick actually went through. How much blood there would be? How hard would it to breathe? I’d probably choke on my own blood.
Karoly. Stop, why are you saying that?
Ernst. I would have died helplessly, Karoly. I would have died watching the traffic go by.
End. Neck Unscarred

Werner. She’s driving me crazy, Brigitte.
Brigitte. Who’s driving you crazy?
Werner. Odilia.
Brigitte. Odilia? What did she do to you?
Werner. Okay, so we meet occasionally.
Brigitte. Right?
Werner. So, when she leaves, I hear Astrud Gilberto singing.
Brigitte. The Girl From Ipanema?
Werner. Yes.
Brigitte. What’s wrong with that? That would be cool if a guy heard that song if I left them.
Werner. Why her, though?
Brigitte. Why not her?
Werner. We’re just friends. I’d think if I heard a song from anyone when they left, the person would have a closer relationship than I have with Odilia.
Brigitte. Maybe somewhere in your subconscious, you want to like her more than a friend.
Werner. Maybe somewhere in my principal conscious, we’re just friends. What’s the point of a subconscious when my principal one rules? Really, my subconscious is overrated.
Brigitte. But, the song. You can’t deny the song.
Werner. My principal conscious needs to teach my subconscious a hard lesson in life.
Brigitte. Here comes Odilia now.
Werner. Oh.
Odilia. Hey, guys.
Werner. Oh, hey Odilia.
Brigitte. Hey, Odilia.
Odilia. What are you up to?
Brigitte. We’re talking about the subconscious.
Odilia. Oh really? Oh actually, I have to go now, I’m kind of late. I’ll see you guys later. Bye, Werner. Bye, Brigitte.
Werner. Dark and tan, and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking ...
Brigitte. ... and when she passes, it’s when she passes goes, ah ...
End. Ipanema Subconscious

Radek. What happened to you?
Maqui. What do you mean?
Radek. Your knuckles. They have two pen marks on them.
Maqui. Oh, right. I was writing my number for a person I just met, and when I went to cap my pen, I missed and marked my knuckles instead.
Radek. Was it because you were nervous?
Maqui. Actually, he was the one who was nervous. He couldn’t think of the word, “phone number” when he asked me for it. He was like, “Do you think I could have your ... your ... that thing, to contact you?”
Radek. Sounds like a real confident guy.
Maqui. Yeah, there was something interesting about his character though. I’m curious enough to meet him again. I wonder what he’ll be like if he calls me.
Radek. He’ll probably read from a card of what he’ll say to you.
Maqui. Haha, yeah. I used to do that when ordering pizza. I was so hard on myself when I was younger. I wanted to order pizza perfectly, without hesitation. I wrote out the greeting, my phone number, the address, explaining that I have a coupon, the order itself, and then ask how much it would be.
Radek. I’ve heard you order pizza. You’re very good.
Maqui. Thank you. I’ve practiced a lot.
End. Ordering Pizza Perfectly

Raemon. I got a new cell phone today.
Tamarine. Really? Do you like it?
Raemon. Yeah, I guess I do.
Tamarine. Don’t you choose the last four numbers?
Raemon. Yeah, it’s five-eight-five-two.
Tamarine. What’s that?
Raemon. That used to be the last four numbers of the home number where I grew up.
Tamarine. I see.
Raemon. But we sold the house, so it’s no longer home.
Tamarine. But you still have the number.
End. Keeping Five-Eight-Five-Two

Renato. I have to question companies that actually hire me.
Anka. What do you mean?
Renato. I mean. They must know that I’m under qualified for the position. Why do they keep hiring me?
Anka. You probably do a good job.
Renato. I don’t really. If I do anything, I make things more difficult for the company.
Anka. So, what are you going to do?
Renato. What do you mean?
Anka. Well, if you question the company that hires you, then who can you work for?
Renato. I’ve decided that I will have to lie about my qualifications so when they do hire me, it’ll be under false pretenses.
Anka. This will make you feel better?
Renato. Sure. I know companies should not hire me, but they still do. So, under false pretenses can they only hire me.
Anka. So, you kind of feel guilty for being hired. You feel like you don’t deserve be hired by a company.
Renato. I guess so. I think I won’t feel as bad, if I lie about my qualifications.
Anka. But they’re hiring you now because of your qualifications.
Renato. But my qualifications should not allow me to be hired.
Anka. Oh. Then why don’t you try to be qualified, so that when you are hired, the company is making a right decision?
Renato. Come on.
Anka. What?
Renato. This is me you’re talking about.
Anka. That’s true. Hahahahaha.
Renato. Hahahahaha.
End. Slipping In

Uors. Hello.
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. I’m a friend of Krumm’s
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. He told me that you have an extra train ticket to go to Bhopal.
Rosalinda. I do.
Uors. Is it possible for you to donate the ticket? To me?
Rosalinda. Donate? I think a trade would be better. Why do you want to go to Bhopal? The land is poison there.
Uors. There is a woman who needs reading glasses. I want to give her a pair.
Rosalinda. A philanthropist, however I am not. For a ticket to Bhopal in order to give a woman reading glasses, you must get me a ticket to a Broadway show in New York City.
Uors. I can do this, only if I will be able to accompany you to the Broadway show.
Rosalinda. You will accompany to the Broadway show only if you buy me dinner at Elaine’s.
Uors. Deal. Let’s shake on it.
Rosalinda. I must warn you. I cannot carry interesting conversations and I am thirty-nine years old.
Uors. That’s fine. I’ve always been bad with math.
End. Glasses for Elaine’s

One.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Happy birthday, Kiti.
Kiti. Thank you, Daddy. What did you get me?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Open it.
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear! What’s this thing?
Mr. Thierry Caron. It’s a water bottle. The bear’s name is Mr. Buress.
Kiti. Oh, but the water bottle is outside the bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. That’s why we have to perform a water bottle implant procedure. Then it’ll be just like that $51,000.00 teddy bear you wanted in that catalogue.
Kiti. Really? We’re going to perform the operation?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes. Are you ready? This is an extremely invasive procedure.
Kiti. I am.

Three.
Kiti. How long do we have to wait for Mr. Buress to get better?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Well, we had that unexpected accident, but I think we recovered from it very nicely.
Kiti. Mr. Buress is my first patient. I don’t want to lose my first patient.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Mr. Buress was in great health when I purchased him. He used to be a winger on a New Zealand rugby team and ran the Iron Man Triathlon in Hawaii twice only to place third and then second the following year.
Kiti. I bet he would have been first this year.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Probably, but he’s gone through a major operation, and he needs a lot of time to recover.
Kiti. I’ll take good care of him.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I know you will.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure - Recovery

Two.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Don’t we need to anesthetize him first?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh yes. Prepare the anesthesia.
Kiti. Okay, Mr. Buress? I will be applying the anesthesia now. Just breathe normally and count to ten. He is ready, Daddy.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Dr. Caron.
Kiti. Sorry. Dr. Caron. Mr. Buress is ready for the water bottle implant procedure.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Nurse Caron. Will you sterilize the area of incision?
Kiti. The area is sterilized, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Scalpel.
Mr. Thierry Caron. There’s more spillage than I anticipated. We need more receptacles to hold the matter.
Kiti. Here, Doctor. We can hold the matter in these jars.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Very good. How are Mr. Buress’s vital signs?
Kiti. His vitals are still intact.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I will now implant the water bottle already prepared with a heated solution.
Kiti. Dr. Caron. Why are we implanting an activated water bottle into Mr. Buress? Shouldn’t the bottle be inactive?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I need to observe how Mr. Buress’s body will react to an activated foreign implant. If the body rejects the implant, then I need to remove the implant before I close.
Kiti. I understand.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I have implanted the water bottle. Now we should observe how Mr. Buress’s body reacts to the implant. Nurse Caron, How are his signs?
Kiti. They are still holding.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Good. We’ll observe for a couple more minutes.
Kiti. Doctor, there is a rupture in the implant! The heated solution is spilling into Mr. Buress.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Quickly, prepare the heating element. I will remove the implant. We need to extract the solution from his cavity.
Kiti. The heating element is ready, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Set the element on low and extract the solution. We have to make sure extraction is complete to prevent infection.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure

Res Timoteo. Sir, will you drink this? It’s a new drink I have developed.
Dr. G. Gage. What is it?
Res Timoteo. It does everything you want. It hydrates you, it gives you more energy, you can run faster, jump higher, type faster, read faster, spelling is easier, your IQ raises by 10 points, you’ll be able to remember things you’ve forgotten, you’ll be able read people’s minds, your face will clear up, food digests easier, your eye sight will improve, you’ll be able to see at night, your teeth will straighten, things just taste better, your posture will straighten, you’ll be able to play the guitar, it’ll take ten people to bring you down, you’ll be able to speak another language except for some Asian languages, you’ll develop a British accent, you’ll be able to breath underwater, you won’t get sick, you won’t sunburn, it’s takes all sicknesses right out of your body and into a little jar, you’ll be able to predict the future, you’ll be able to move small objects with your mind, people of the opposite sex will be attracted to you, you’ll make friends, you’ll never be lonely again, you will be given great jobs, fair loans, you’ll be able to travel to any place you want, you won’t get into any accidents, you’ll drive like a professional, people will not try to harm you, and clothes will fit you.
Dr. G. Gage. Wow, you’ve done it, Timoteo. You’ve created the greatest drink in the world.
Res Timoteo. And it doesn’t taste like coffee, but rather it tastes like the aroma of coffee.
Dr. G. Gage. Amazing. Our company will surpass all beverage companies because of you.
Res Timoteo. Thank you, sir.
*Dr. G. Gage drinks
Dr. G. Gage. Um, Timoteo?
Res Timoteo. Yes, sir?
Dr. G. Gage. Can you make one adjustment?
Res Timoteo. Sir?
Dr. G. Gage. It’s very good, and I’m remembering what my uncle whispered to me when I was a boy, but can you make it taste a little more like chalky medicine? I think a drink like this should taste like medicine, don’t you? Timoteo? Where are you going?
End. Res Timoteo Quits

Jobert. Hi, Nina.
Nina. Hi, Jobert.
Jobert. Have you seen Leger lately?
Nina. Leger?
Jobert. Yeah, there’s something going on, but I don’t know what it is. He won’t tell me.
Nina. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jobert. What do you mean?
Nina. I don’t know anything about Leger.
Jobert. Okay?
Nina. Can we talk about something else?
Jobert. So, what do you want for breakfast?
Nina. I’m not hungry.
Jobert. Really? Are you feeling okay?
Nina. I’m fine, please let’s not talk about it.
Jobert. Nina.
Nina. What?
Jobert. What is going on? What happened between you and Leger?
Nina. Leger? I don’t even know who Leger is.
Jobert. You don’t?
Nina. No, I don’t. I never met him in my life.
Jobert. Okay. So you’re not going to eat anything?
Nina. I have to go.
Jobert. What? Now?
Nina. Yeah, I’m sorry. I just remembered something. I have to go now. We’ll have breakfast another time, okay?
Jobert. What is going on with you?
Nina. I told you. I don’t know who Leger is!
End. No Idea

Corentin. Here touch this.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a Chinese quince.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a fruit. Touch it.
Neulla. Touch it? Why?
Corentin. What are you afraid of?
Neulla. Why? Is it disgusting?
Corentin. No, it’s rather nice.
Neulla. I don’t know.
Corentin. Why are you being so paranoid?
Neulla. It because no one’s ever asked me to touch fruit before. They’ve asked me to smell it, or eat it, but never specifically touch it. Why do you want me to touch it?
Corentin. Its scent will be on your hands. Do you want to do it?
Neulla. Can you?
Corentin. Ok, here. Now here, smell my hands.
Neulla. Oh, it’s nice.
Corentin. Isn’t it?
Neulla. Can I eat it?
Corentin. No.
End. Touch to Smell

Federic Mason. Good morning, Ms. Cappell. How are you this morning?
Lise Cappell. Good morning, Mr. Mason. It’s quiet so far. Aren’t you here earlier than normal?
Federic Mason. I witnessed a near accident today.
Lise Cappell. Coming to work?
Federic Mason. I was crossing the street to get to the office when this black minivan broke hard and slid a good thirty yards past behind me.
Lise Cappell. It’s slick out today with the morning mist, but there was no accident?
Federic Mason. I think the van was trying to avoid a taxi merging into the lane. Normally, cars that get into near accidents sound their horn or just drive off, but this minivan didn’t move.
Lise Cappell. That’s strange. There wasn’t any traffic?
Federic Mason. It was coming from the light down the block. I wanted to see who the driver was, but all the windows were tinted.
Lise Cappell. The driver’s heart must have been pounding in his chest.
Federic Mason. What a way to start the day.
Lise Cappell. It’s a little exciting.
Federic Mason. Yeah, everyone should start their day with near accidents.
Lise Cappell. I wonder if it’s going to be slick tomorrow.
End. Slick Morning Mist

Tomassian. I am not the center of the world. I am not the center of the world. The world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. What are you doing?
Tomassian. I’m trying to realize that I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. Do you think you are the center of the world?
Tomassian. Normally, I would say no, but on a subconscious level, I think I believe it.
Noemie. Really? I guess on some subconscious level we all think we are the center of the world.
Tomassian. I blame counselors and psychiatrists.
Noemie. What? Why?
Tomassian. You go see a counselor and they want you to talk exclusively about yourself and the things that revolve in your life. After several sessions, this way of conversing and thinking seeps in until you feel everyone wants to listen to your story and that there is no secret that you should keep.
Noemie. That’s frightening.
Tomassian. I dated a girl who religiously went to sessions. I tell her something in confidence, then she goes off to tell her analyst as a part of her session, then goes off and tell her mother, then tells me that she told other people. It’s unusual.
Noemie. Couples or married couples are kind of the same too. If you tell one spouse then it’s like you’re telling the other. So, even if you trust one, you may not necessarily trust the other so you’re limited to what to tell the one you trust.
Tomassian. That’s true. Then there are people who don’t tell anyone anything. All they do is listen. They’re just like counselors or priests, but they don’t even give feedback. Only things like, “that’s too bad,” or, “I understand.”
Noemie. Who can we trust, then?
Tomassian. Can I trust you?
Noemie. I think so. Can I trust you?
Tomassian. Sure. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. The world does not revolve around me.
End. Telling Everyone

Linus. Kiss me.
Rosetta. What?
Linus. Kiss me, baby?
Rosetta. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Linus. There’s a good reason why you should kiss me.
Rosetta. And that would be?
Linus. I just had five mints.
Rosetta. What kind?
Linus. Wouldn’t you like to know?
Rosetta. Peppermint or spearmint?
Linus. Pepper.
Rosetta. How fresh are you?
Linus. I have the fifth one still melting in my mouth.
Rosetta. How far is it along?
Linus. I would say a little past half.
Rosetta. Was it your intention to kiss me while the mint was still melting in your mouth?
Linus. I became impatient and decided to ask you to kiss me now.
Rosetta. Are you willing to rescind your mint?
Linus. Only if we kiss can you claim the mint
Rosetta. Then we should kiss.
End. Mint Recinded

Patrice. You!
Miyam. Me?
Patrice. You did this.
Miyam. No no, it wasn’t me.
Patrice. Yes, you. I’ve been watching you.
Miyam. You have? I need to stop changing by the window.
Patrice. I have to stop you.
Miyam. And I keep the window open when I shower. How embarrassing.
Patrice. Take that!
Miyam. Ow. Are you offended by my body? I mean to work out, but you know how boring it is. Up down up down.
Patrice. I don’t care about your body. It’s raining because of you.
Miyam. But I like the rain. It’s so sad and depressing. You can feel the heaviness inside your chest.
Patrice. You are a bad girl. You must be stopped.
Miyam. I have to go now. I would like to talk about the rain, but here. I have a card for you.
Patrice. A card?
Miyam. Here. It’s especially made for you. I made it, but I didn’t know who I would give it to, but now, I know. I’m sorry. I have to go.
*Miyam leaves.
Patrice. What is this?
End. Please Enjoy the Rain

Lemmy. M-y – n-a-m-e – i-s – L-e-m-m-y-. - W-h-a-t – i-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-f – I – w-e-r-e – t-o – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d-, - I – w-o-u-l-d – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d - S-m-o-o-t-h-s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g-d-o-g-m-a-g-i-c-l-y-l-i-g-h-t-b-o-u-l-d-e-r-.
Lemmy. T-h-a-t-’-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-a-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – t-h-e-y – w-o-u-l-d – c-a-l-l – m-e-.
Lemmy. D-o – y-o-u – h-a-v-e – a – s-h-o-r-t-e-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-e-y – d-o – n-o-t – c-a-l-l – m-e – b-y – a-n-o-t-h-e-r – o-t-h-e-r – g-i-v-e-n – n-a-m-e-. - I – a-m – g-l-a-d-s-o-m-e – o-f – y-o-u-r – a-b-i-l-i-t-y – t-o – d-i-s-c-o-v-e-r – m-y – u-s-a-g-e – o-f – M-o-r-s-e – c-o-d-e-.
Lemmy. I – a-m – t-o-o-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – f-e-e-l – l-i-k-e – I – a-m – a-l-r-e-a-d-y - a-b-l-e – t-o – p-l-a-c-e - a – t-r-u-s-t – i-n – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. Y-o-u – c-a-n-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-s – i-n-f-r-e-q-u-e-n-t-e-d – a-s – I – a-m-?
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – d-o-e-s – t-h-a-t – m-e-a-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-l-l – b-y – y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - I – a-m – i-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n-.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – s-a-d-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – h-a-v-e – p-r-o-f-u-s-e-l-y – l-o-s-t – m-y – h-e-a-r-t-, - b-u-t – t-h-e-n – I – h-a-v-e – f-o-u-n-d – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. I-’-m – g-l-a-d – y-o-u – f-o-u-n-d – m-e-. – W-e – c-a-n – t-a-l-k – a-b-o-u-t – a – l-o-t – o-f – t-h-i-n-g-s-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-o-u – w-i-l-l – c-o-n-v-e-r-s-e – w-i-t-h – m-e-?
Lemmy. S-u-r-e-. D-o – y-o-u – l-i-v-e – i-n – t-h-e – s-e-w-e-r-s-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - t-h-e – o-n-l-y – i-t-e-m – o-f – p-o-s-s-e-s-s-i-o-n – i-s – t-h-e – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – a-b-o-v-e-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – i-s – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – c-o-m-e-s – o-u-t – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – e-v-e-r-y – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – t-i-m-e – i-s – i-t – n-o-w-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-f-t-e-r – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r – a-n-d – b-e-f-o-r-e – t-h-e – f-i-f-t-e-e-n-t-h – m-i-n-u-t-e – o-f – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. I-t – i-s – f-i-v-e – w-h-e-r-e – I – a-m-. – Y-o-u – m-u-s-t – b-e – v-e-r-y – f-a-r-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – a-m-.
End. T-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?

Jiri. Are you okay?
Suna. No. I’m not okay.
Jiri. So what happened?
Suna. I came to visit Goten, but he wasn’t home, so I decided to surprise him and wait for him in his apartment.
Jiri. You have a key to his apartment?
Suna. It’s a spare key.
Jiri. He hasn’t come yet?
Suna. I think he’s already here.
Jiri. What? What do you mean?
Suna. Look at this.
Jiri. Invisible pills? Where did you find these?
Suna. They were in the kitchen. I found them when I made myself some tea. That’s not all I found.
Jiri. What else?
Suna. Go to the kitchen counter.
Jiri. Oh my ... There are like fifty bottles of sleeping pills here.
Suna. I think they’re all from different drug stores and grocery stores.
Jiri. Do you mean?
Suna. I think he’s somewhere in here.
Jiri. Did you try to look?
Suna. Goten’s been telling me that he wanted to disappear.
End. Fade Away

Verena. Hey, Manu. Did you wait long?
Manu. No, not really. I mean, I did have to wait, but it was fun watching other people eat and drink.
Verena. What is this?
Manu. That’s a bowl of green pea soup.
Verena. Is, is this for me?
Manu. Oh, did you want it?
Verena. You didn’t buy it?
Manu. No, I did.
Verena. So then, is it yours?
Manu. No.
Verena. I’m a little confused, Manu. Who is it for?
Manu. Nobody really. It’s to create an illusion.
Verena. An illusion of what?
Manu. By placing the bowl of soup opposite where I am, it looks as if I am with someone, but the someone left the table only to return soon.
Verena. But that would be me, right?
Manu. No, not really. The green pea soup doesn’t belong to you.
Verena. It belongs to someone who does not exist?
Manu. But since the bowl of soup is there, it gives an illusion that I am not alone.
Verena. Do you want to be left alone with your illusionary date? I feel like I’m barging in.
Manu. No, I don’t think she coming back.
Verena. I don’t blame her.
End. For Someone Not There

Rudiger. Hey, Mami.
Mami. What are you doing?
Rudiger. Nothing? What do you mean?
Mami. What are you drinking?
Rudiger. Coffee?
Mami. You’re drinking coffee?
Rudiger. Yes?
Mami. What do you think you’re doing?
Rudiger. I’m going to throw the drink of the devil away as soon as possible?
Mami. That’s right. Here, have these.
Rudiger. Crackers?
Mami. It’ll cleanse your palate. After you have some crackers, you can drink this tea.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. It is Chinese quince tea.
Rudiger. But I’m not Chinese.
Mami. I’m not either, and don’t tell anyone.
Rudiger. I won’t.
Mami. Well?
Rudiger. It’s nice.
Mami. I have another secret to tell you.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. I’m in love with Gerhard.
Rudiger. You are? What does that mean?
Mami. What you mean?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love with Gerhard?
Mami. Be quiet. Here he comes now.
Gerhard. Hey guys, what’s up?
Rudiger. Hi, Gerhard.
Mami. Hi, Gerhard.
Rudiger. Gerhard?
Gerhard. Yes?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love you?
End. Reveal Amiss

Keller. You have to try these apples.
Burma. Why?
Keller. Just try it. It’s a great day for apples.
Burma. It looks rotten. That’s disgusting.
Keller. These are like the best apples I’ve ever had.
Burma. What is wrong with you?
Keller. I want everyone in this world to try these apples. You. Yes, little boy. Come here. I have apples for you. No, don’t run away. You need to be strong and healthy. I want to share these apples with you. No, don’t go. Why did he go, Burma?
Burma. Are you drunk?
Keller. I’ve never felt better in my life. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it because I wanted to share the apples with the boy? I want to share them with you too, Burma. Don’t be jealous. Here, have an apple.
Burma. What’s with you? What’s in these apples? *sniff sniff*
Keller. Attention. Attention, everybody who I’m seeing right now at this instant. These apples. These wonderful apples are the greatest apples in the world, and each and every one of you is more beautiful than the next.
Burma. These apples are alcoholic. Where did you get these?
Keller. By the apple tree over there. I’m organic nature person. I take what the tree gives me. Thank you, Mr. Apple Tree. I will get you water as soon as I can afford it.
Burma. These apples are so old, they’ve fermented. How many apples did you have?
Keller. I had an apple for every year I was born.
Burma. How old are you?
Keller. I am seventy-three years old.
End. Sharing Apples With Everyone

Aurore. I’ve decided to learn how to cross country ski.
Marin. Really? Are you going to learn how to shoot a rifle as well?
Aurore. What? Why?
Marin. Isn’t that what they do? Cross-country ski to a point and shoot some target, then ski some more?
Aurore. You mean in the Olympics?
Marin. Yeah.
Aurore. That would be cool. I could go hunting. Shoot bunnies and have some stew.
Marin. Bunnies?
Aurore. Yeah, bunnies.
Marin. I would think if you were hunting bunnies, you would call them rabbits.
Aurore. Aren’t they called snow bunnies?
Marin. I think that’s what you call girls who are into skiing.
Aurore. So I would be a snow bunnie?
Marin. Yes, I suppose you would be.
Aurore. Whatever, I’m going to shoot some snow bunnies, and ski off while laughing in the forest. What’s your New Year’s resolution?
Marin. It’s the New Year?
End. Snow Bunnies