Hilde. When did you get this TV?
Arve. Oh, sometime last month.
Hilde. I looks so old, where did you get it from?
Arve. It’s kind of strange. Two Fijian friends found it on the side of the road and brought it in for me.
Hilde. Really? Does it work?
Arve. Sure. It’s not the nicest TV, but it’s a TV.
Hilde. Look at the wooden paneling. It’s like a piece of furniture.
Arve. It swivels on it’s base too.
Hilde. Does it have a remote?
Arve. No, but I can just connect the VCR into it and change channels with the VCR remote.
Hilde. You just need to turn it on from here?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Can I turn it on?
Arve. Sure, but there’s a trick to it.
Hilde. Really?
Arve. When you turn it on, you need to press A-one, A-two, then A-three.
Hilde. What?
Arve. It doesn’t work normally if you don’t do that.
Hilde. What is A?
Arve. I think it’s auxiliary. Try it.
Hilde. Okay ... A-one, A-two, A-three ... That’s so strange. How did you figure that out?
Arve. Well, at first it didn’t work so I looked in the back and saw RCA jacks labeled aux one and aux two, so I thought by pressing those keys, it would do something.
Hilde. So you have to press A-one, A-two, A-three all the time to turn on the TV?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Why don’t you buy a new TV?
Arve. I never wanted one.
Hilde. But you have this one.
Arve. It was a gift, and plus, it has character. It’s like someone giving me an old Cadillac. How can I refuse?
Hilde. It’s from the side of the street.
Arve. And now it has a place where it will be loved.
Hilde. What is this, wood polish?
Arve. Yes.
End. Television From the Streets

Chiara. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m such a klutz sometimes.

Omero. Here, you dropped your bag. What is this ... ? A brownie?

Chiara. Yes, but this brownie has a layer of mint inside.

Omero. Really? It looks rich.

Chiara. It is ... Would you like to try some?

Omero. Um, well sure. If you don’t mind.

Chiara. No ... Here. Let me give you a piece.

Omero. Oh ... well, my hands are all greasy from the hoagie I had. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the taste with the oil.

Chiara. Oh, here ... I'll feed it to you.

Omero. Um. Okay?

...

Chiara. What do you think ... ?

Omero. I’m sorry, I got some of your finger, but it’s quite good.

Chiara. Oh, that's all right. *licks fingers* My name is Chiara.

Omero. I’m Omero, it’s nice to meet you. I would shake your hand, but you know. My hands.

Chiara. Would you like another piece?

End. Flirting With Brownies

Aldo. I always forget where to sit without the sun getting in your eyes.
Ida. I guess it would be closest to the windows so the light would pass over us.
Aldo. I don’t know, I like to sit near the middle or on the opposite side of the windows. It seems darker closer to the windows.
Ida. Well, I can’t sit here for much longer. Can you pull the shades down?
Aldo. You know, I’ve never operated the shades before.
Ida. Really? Why not?
Aldo. I don’t know. I just waited until someone else did it.
Ida. Well, it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to do it.
Aldo. There’s a lot of tourists here, they probably don’t know about the switch.
Ida. Well, now’s your chance to pull the shades down.
Aldo. I know, but who am I to pull the shades down for everyone in the room? If there was an individual switch to pull only our shade down, then I would have no problems. Flipping the switch means I’ll be pulling the shade down for everyone. I don’t feel I have the authority to tell everyone that I will be controlling the amount of sun coming into the periodical room. Maybe some tourist is enjoying the sun on their face and it being energized by it’s light.
Ida. What are they, solar powered plants? I’m sweating here.
Aldo. Then why don’t you do it?
Ida. Because of that authority thing you said.
Aldo. All right. This is my room. I will dictate the amount of sun that enters this room.
Ida. While you’re up, can you get me a drink?
Aldo. What do you want?
Ida. A raspberry iced tea. You get diet, I kill you.
End. Dictator

Ugo. Sometimes I have trouble controlling myself.
Erol. I think we all have that problem.
Ugo. Maybe you’re right, but I want to do something about it.
Erol. What happens when you go out of control?
Ugo. I lose myself. I start thinking of ways to be violent, and push to make it a reality.
Erol. Really? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you violent.
Ugo. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get better.
Erol. What do you think you need to do first?
Ugo. I need to know what triggers my violent tendencies.
Erol. What would trigger you?
Ugo. Things that don’t come to my expectations.
Erol. That’s kind of general. When was the last time you were violent?
Ugo. Yesterday. I was trying to sleep, but these kids were throwing a tennis ball against my house. When I came out, I told them to stop, but they said it was a part of their game. I went back into my house to get my tennis racquet. When I came back out, I found them throwing the ball against my house again. I chased one of the kids with the ball and took the ball out of his hands. I told them that this was also a part of the game, and served the ball down the hill.
Erol. Did you hurt the child?
Ugo.
Erol. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ...
Ugo. I did not hurt the kid, but I made them cry.
Erol. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help.
Ugo. I don’t hit kids. I’m not like that.
Erol. I know. It’s just that, I mean you wanted to stop being violent, so I thought maybe by accident...
Ugo. Look, if I hit a kid, I would have told you.
Erol. You’re right, I’m sorry. I really am.
Ugo. Do you have some matches?
Erol. No. I didn’t know you smoked.
Ugo. I don’t. I’m going to burn this diner down.
End. Snap

Brigid. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Pearce. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
Brigid. Tired?
Pearce. I’m hallucinating, Brigid.
Brigid. Really? What are you hallucinating?
Pearce. The tail lights of cars are becoming Diane Keaton’s hair. Headlights are becoming the side of Mariel Hemmingway’s face. How much longer do we have?
Brigid. What? We’re almost there, Pearce. One more hour. Do you think you can hang on?
Pearce. I can’t feel my leg anymore. This truck is driving by it’s self.
Brigid. You’re doing great.
Pearce. I can’t believe you can’t drive.
Brigid. I’m from New York. I don’t need to drive.
Pearce. I’m from Philadelphia, we believe in God.
Brigid. What?
Pearce. Corn beef should not be blue.
Brigid. What are you talking about?
Pearce. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. I understand. I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone. Very authoritative, you know. Like the Pope, or the computer in “2001”.
Brigid. Stop the truck, Pearce.
Pearce. Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um...Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh...Like what... okay...um...For me, uh... ooh... I would say ... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh...um... and Wilie Mays... and um ... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony ... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues ... um ... Swedish movies, naturally ... Sentimental Education by Flaubert ... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra ... um ... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh...the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh...
End. Quoting “Manhattan”

Boy. Pow pow, you're dead. I shot you with the last two bullets I was able to
afford. Now I have no money, but that's fine by me. When I lie here, hungry
and cold, I'll still be laughing and remembering this day. No one will
understand; think I'm some sort of crazy. I'm not. I have a good grasp on
reality, except for the fact I'm talking to a dead person. Whoops, there's
the police. I should go. Stay where you are. Tell them everything about me.
Remember the time when you found me in Acapulco? That shocked me. I didn't
know that anyone knew where I was. You shouldn't have called my name. Ah
well, No more reminiscing. It's was nice, but it's time to go. Don't worry.
You look fine.
End. Two Bullets

Dr. Meera Cartin. Come over here. Are you okay?
Josie Cartin. I’m okay.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He didn’t hurt you, or anything, did he?
Josie Cartin. No, but he threw orange juice against his refrigerator.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Was he throwing it at you?
Josie Cartin. No, just against the refrigerator. I think he was mad that I didn’t trust him.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why? What did he say to you?
Josie Cartin. I don’t know. I told him that I didn’t want to drink the juice because I thought he poisoned it.
Dr. Meera Cartin. That’s when he threw the juice?
Josie Cartin. Yes. He poured another glass of juice and drank it himself to prove it was not poisoned.
Dr. Meera Cartin. So, he wasn’t trying to poison you?
Josie Cartin. No, I guess not.
Dr. Meera Cartin. It’s okay to cry. It’s all over now.
Josie Cartin. Mom, I’m sorry.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about.
Josie Cartin. I didn’t think you were going to come.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I’m here, honey. It’s going to be okay.
Josie Cartin. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mommy. I didn’t think you were going to come cause I didn’t think you loved me...
Dr. Meera Cartin. Of course I love you...
I thought you hated me, but he told me you were going to, that you were going to come. He was right. I don’t understand why he kidnapped me. Why did he do it? You knew him, didn’t you? He said he was one of your patients.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He was. Life overwhelmed him, and this is how he reacted to it.
Josie Cartin. He was a nice man, Mommy.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I know. No one knows how nice he is.
End. Trust Me

Pat. What is that racket outside? Are the planes overhead bombing us?
Rainer. Two police cars just went by, Pat.
Pat. Yeah? Don’t they know I’ve got a business to run here? What’s a matter with them? They’re scaring away my customers. What’ll you have?
Customer One. Yeah, give me a cheese steak.
Pat. What kind of cheese?
Customer One. Cheese Whiz.
Pat. Onions?
Customer One. Yeah.
Pat. Here you go. Five, twenty-nine.
Rainer. Hey Pat, you got to look at this. They’re stopping at Geno’s.
Pat. Geno’s? What’s going on over there? I’ve got my hands busy with customers, Rainer. What’ll you have?
Customer Two. Provolone steak with mushrooms, no onions.
Pat. You got it. That’s going to be Five, eighty-three.
Rainer. I can’t see what going on from here, Pat, but three more police cars are there.
Pat. Here’s your mushroom steak. Three more? People are trying to steal from Geno’s. Hey, Fini.
Fini. Yeah?
Pat. Go over to Geno’s and see what’s going on over there. What’ll you have?
Customer Three. Whiz Steak with onions. You know what’s going on at Geno’s?
Pat. I don’t know. I’ve got someone going over there to find out. It’ll be five, twenty-nine for the steak.
Customer Three. I hope Geno’s okay.
Pat. I hope so too. Here’s your steak and your change.
Fini. Hey, Pat.
Pat. So, what happened over there?
Fini. Some drunk guy was yelling at the customers over there.
Pat. So they needed five cop cars to go over there?
Fini. It’s Geno’s, Pat.
Pat. Yeah, there better be five cop cars coming to me when something goes down here.
Fini. You know they would.
Pat. Hey, What’ll you have?
End. Onions?

Rolfe. Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. I’ve turned into a girl.
Rolfe. I don’t understand.
Wallis. I don’t either.
Rolfe. Where did you get that dress?
Wallis. I don’t know. I woke up with it on. I can adjust the length of the dress by adjusting the buttons on the side of it. See? I can make it much shorter.
Rolfe. Stop it. Why are you doing that?
Wallis. I don’t know. Because I can? I’m so confused. This isn’t possible.
Rolfe. You should go to the hospital.
Wallis. I know. I should, but I don’t think there’s anything doctors can really do.
Torren. Hey Wallis, why are you wearing a dress?
Wallis. Because I’ve turned into a girl?
Torren. Guh, I’m so sorry.
Wallis. Being a girl is not a bad thing. It’s not an illness. I’m just a girl now.
Torren. But you seem the same.
Wallis. Yeah, I know. I feel the same. I’ve only changed physically.
Arne. What the? Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. Stop it. I am not sick!
End. Tolerably Well

Nia. Hey, are you okay? What happened in there?
Sebastian. I don’t know really. Were you waiting long?
Nia. No, not really. I tried calling your cell but I guess you can’t get service in the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, it didn’t work. You ready to go?
Nia. I know this great place to eat. Are you hungry?
Sebastian. Yes I am. Let’s go.
Nia. So what happened? Was there something wrong with the elevator?
Sebastian. It was really strange. This guy gets into the elevator, and you can tell something’s wrong with this guy, by his walk, by his posture, this man’s face was drenched with sweat...
Renz. Nia? Hey.
Nia. Oh hey, how are you?
Renz. I’m good. You know, I just started dancing lessons.
Nia. Really? What kind of dance?
Renz. Swing.
Nia. Wow, we have to swing sometime.
Renz. Definitely.
Nia. Oh, Renz, this is Sebastian, we’re about to have lunch. Sebastian, this is Renz. Renz works for an insurance company, and Sebastian here is in international trade.
Renz. Hello.
Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
Renz. Well, I’ve already had lunch, so I’m off to the lab to develop photos for the job. Enjoy lunch. It’s good to see you, Nia.
Nia. Bye. Call me about the dancing.
Renz. I will. See ya.
Nia. I’m sorry ... so the man, all drenched with sweat is in the elevator.
Sebastian. Oh, yeah. So this man shuffles into the elevator, goes to pick a floor, and touches the lobby button repeatedly, but slowly. By then, he also has his forehead pressed against some of the top floor buttons, lighting them up, and sweat is dripping down his check down to the floor.
Nia. What was wrong with him?
Sebastian. I actually asked him ... oh, do you know that guy over there? He’s waving to you.
Nia. Oh yeah, that’s Antonio. We’re only acquaintances. We met at Penn Station a couple of months ago. Hi, Antonio, remember me?
Antonio. Of course I remember you. Did you get to Chicago in time?
Nia. I was a couple of hours late because of the delay. Thanks for keeping me company that day.
Antonio. You’re welcome.
Nia. Antonio, this is Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Antonio.
Sebastian. Antonio, hello.
Antonio. Hello. I can’t believe that we’ve bumped into each other here.
Nia. Yeah, it’s kind of funny.
Antonio. Do you still have my card?
Nia. I think so, yes.
Antonio. Give me a call sometime.
Nia. Okay, I will.
Antonio. It’s really good to see you again, Nia.
Nia. You too. We’re off to have lunch now. I’ll give you a call one of these days.
Antonio. Good. I’ll see you around.
Nia. Thanks, see ya.
Antonio. Bye.
Nia. I’m so sorry. People keep interrupting your story.
Sebastian. It’s okay. Do you still want to listen to it?
Nia. Yes, I do. So you were about to ask the man what was the matter?
Sebastian. Right. When I ask him if there was something wrong, all the sudden he presses the emergency stop button.
Sebastian. What? Was there anyone else in the elevator with you?
Nia. No, it was just this guy and me.
Sebastian. So what happened?
Nia. I didn’t know what to do. The elevator’s stopped and the alarm is ringing. I was thinking crazy things like if he went for his pocket I would jump him. I even bent my knees a little so I could tackle him hard. But he didn’t do anything. He ...
Jackie. Nia!
Nia. Oh. Hey, Jackie.
Jackie. What are you doing here?
Nia. I’m about to have lunch with my friend here. I don’t think you two met. Jackie, this is Sebastian. Sebastian this is Jackie.
Jackie. Nice to meet you.
Sebastian. Same here.
Jackie. So did you hear about Anita?
Nia. No, what happened?
Jackie. She won like ten thousand dollars at AC the other day.
Nia. What? Really? What was she playing?
Jackie. The slots. She hit the jackpot.
Nia. Wow. Ten thousand dollars?
Jackie. Yeah, crazy huh? I gotta go now. Back to work. See ya.
Nia. See ya.
Sebastian. *laughs* It’s like everyone knows you.
Nia. Yeah, I know. I’ll eventually bump into high school friends by the next block.
Sebastian. I should keep some distance from you until you bump into another person you know. Then I’ll come in and interrupt the conversation.
Nia. It seems only fair. So did you tackle the guy?
Sebastian. Nah. He started to mumble something about it being the wrong floor, but he’s still pressing the lobby button, so I ask him what floor he wanted. Then he mumbles the number three over and over again. All this while the alarm was still going.
Nia. How freaky.
Sebastian. Yeah, it was. So I go over and tap three, and ask him if that’s the floor he wants. I don’t think he knew I was there, but he jumped when he saw the button light up. I think he thought it just lit up by itself. So I move to pull the emergency stop, but then he turns around and yells, “Stop!”
Nia. Holy oh my schnikies.
Sebastian. This absolutely freaks me out. I’m starting to sweat now, but I do manage to get the elevator going again.
Nia. How?
Sebastian. I just repeated to the guy ...
Orson. Hey, Nia. Hey.
Nia. Hi, Orson.
Orson. What’s ...
Nia. I’m sorry, can you hold on? What did you tell the guy, Sebastian?
Sebastian. Uh ...
Nia. It’s okay, go ahead.
Sebastian. I told him that everything was going to be okay. There is nothing to worry about. I then told him that there was no way of thinking clearly in this elevator and that we need to think clearly to be calm.
Nia. You said that?
Sebastian. Yeah, I felt like I was helping a person ready to jump off a bridge.
Nia. Something really traumatic must have happened to him.
Sebastian. Yeah, probably. So he finally backs off and I get the elevator going again.
Nia. I don’t remember seeing him when you got off the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, he got off of the third floor.
Nia. Weird.
Sebastian. Where did your friend go?
Nia. Oh, I don’t know. He must have left.
End. Elevator on Hold

Nane. Slow down, there’s a police car coming up.
Klaus. Do not worry. It is der Autobahn. It is okay to pass der Polizei.
Nane. How fast are we going?
Klaus. Now we are going 273 kilometers per hour.
Nane. What is that in miles?
Klaus. I do not know.
Nane. This is definitely past a hundred. I have to apologize, Klaus, but my American culture is screaming quietly inside my head.
Klaus. Is this too fast for you?
Nane. I’m just used to being served peanuts and a drink at these speeds.
Klaus. Enjoy the drive. There is nothing to fear. Of course, there is der Geisterfahrer.
Nane. What is that?
Klaus. In English, it is ... how do you say? Ghost driver.
Nane. What is that? Are there myths that the autobahn is haunted?
Klaus. No. Der Geisterfahrer drive against traffic causing serious accidents. They loose their heads and drive der Autobahn in the opposite direction.
Nane. Does this occur often?
Klaus. Not very often, they are just popular because of the accidents. Like a shark attack. They do not happen often, but when they do, it seems as though they happen all of the time.
Nane. Wait, I have a calculator for converting Deutschmarks into Dollars. I wonder if it has a converter for kilometers into miles. Let’s see ... Ah here is it. How fast are we going, again?
Klaus. 287 kilometer per hour.
Nane. Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie Ihren Verstand verloren?
Klaus. *laughs* Neine.
End. Excuse me, have you lost your mind?

Arnaud. Kamel.
Kamel. Yeah?
Arnaud. We’re going to have to stop. I’m cramping up.
Kamel. Okay. *laughs* Hey Arnaud.
Arnaud. Yeah?
Kamel. Are you bored?
Arnaud. *laughs* Not anymore. The first three hours, and we’re screaming at people below, now ... now, I’m ready to gather some leaves and spend the night here. I’m exhausted, Kamel.
Kamel. Yes, I would like to go home too.
Arnaud. I’ve never had to climb inclines on my hands and feet before, Kamel. I’m going out of my mind. I was bouncing off of trees and branches down that last steep decline.
Kamel. I know. Look at the clouds over there.
Arnaud. I can’t believe we’re up this high.
Kamel. That’s how I’m going to kiss my wife when I get back. I’m going to lie her down on the floor and graze her lips like the clouds grazing across the top of the valley.
Arnaud. Okay, I think I’m ready to go again. Do you hear that?
Kamel. It’s water.
Arnaud. If it’s a pool of water, I’m jumping in. I don’t care.
End. Forward From Exhaustion

Yann. Look at this pepper.
Paola. What about it?
Yann. It’s powdered.
Paola. Yeah, I’ve never seen it like that before.
Yann. I like it. It’s pepper as it should be. Do you want to try it?
Paola. I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of pepper. I can never taste it.
Yann. How about on your mashed potatoes?
Paola. Oh, okay.
Yann. Well?
Paola. I can taste the texture of the pepper, but I can’t really taste it.
Yann. Really? Let me put some more.
Paola. No, it’s okay.
Yann. Just a little?
Paola. It’s just pepper. Let’s just enjoy the dinner.
Yann. You’re not having a good time, are you?
Paola. I’m sorry, I’m just not having a good day. I don’t know what it is. All my energy left my body for the day.
Yann. I wish I could make you happier.
Paola. It’s okay. I’m sure that I’ll get out of this funk.
Yann. I could do a strip tease for you.
Paola. What?
Yann. I have lots of layers on, so it’ll be fun.
Paola. *Laughs* No, you don’t need to.
Yann. Come on. It’ll make you happy.
Paola. Here? In the restaurant?
Yann. Well, I wasn’t planning on doing a public showing, but if it’ll make you happy...
Paola. Are you serious?
Yann. Whoops, there goes a button...
Paola. Oh my ...
Yann. Bum ba, bum ba, bum ba.
Paola. *Laughs* Okay, okay. I’m feeling better, thank you.
Yann. But I haven’t even taken off my shirt or started to dance.
Paola. Let’s go on a drive after dinner.
Yann. Where do you want to go?
Paola. I’m not sure yet.
Yann. Sure.
End. Happy Stripping

Marianne. Oh my God, are you all right?
Remo. Um, I think so.
Marianne. Is anything broken?
Remo. No, you didn’t hit me very hard.
Marianne. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. Are you sure you’re okay? Oh, you’re bleeding.
Remo. It’s just a scrape from hitting the street. Don’t worry about it. I’m alright.
Marianne. Were you on your way somewhere? Can I give you a ride?
Remo. I was going to see my friend. I’m a little late, so I need to hurry.
Marianne. Let me give you a ride, please. It’s the least I can do. I feel so embarrassed. I was telling my husband how crazy people drive in New York.
Remo. We’re in New York?
End. Hit Where?

Pavel. Hey Helene.
Helene. Hey Pavel, what are you doing here?
Pavel. Here, sit down. I’m supposed to meet this girl for lunch.
Helene. Oh really? Who is she?
Pavel. I don’t know. A friend of a friend?
Helene. You don’t know her?
Pavel. Isn’t life exciting?
Helene. I’m kind of surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to go on a blind date.
Pavel. I’m going to enjoy the awkwardness of the conversation.
Helene. You can be funny. I know you can.
Pavel. Gee thanks. So what are you doing here? Are you meeting, how do you say? A man?
Helene. Why yes, I am, but he’s just a friend from work. He had to mail something, so I volunteered to get a seat for us while he mailed his parcels.
Pavel. You know, I love the music they play here.
Helene. But they’re playing basso nova. You can’t play this and have no one dance.
Pavel. I dance silently inside my head, as I should always do for the sake of all.
Helene. I’m going to take you dancing one of these days.
Pavel. Why would you want to subject yourself to such painful embarrassment?
Helene. Hey let’s ditch our dates and go to another place.
Pavel. I’m not going dancing.
Helene. Awww...
Pavel. But let’s go.
End. Dancing Blind

Thane. I’m not going to sleep.
Kamille. Why not?
Thane. I’m afraid you’ll do something bad to me.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Yes you. You’re evil. You’ll do something like set my hair on fire to wake me up.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Don’t play innocent with me. One time I wake up, and I find Jello down my boxers.
Kamille. How do you know it was me?
Thane. You even used sparkling water.
Kamille. Wasn’t it exciting?
Thane. I can’t believe you. I felt so violated.
Kamille. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.
Thane. I bet you took pictures too.
Kamille. No, that’s crazy. You actually think I would take pictures?
Thane. Actually, you would take the time to make charcoal sketches.
Kamille. Just go to sleep.
Thane. No.
Kamille. Are you just going to stay up all night?
Thane. If I need to, yes.
Kamille. Okay, I’ll go to sleep, and to can poke me all you want to make sure I am asleep so when I am, then you can go to sleep as well.
Thane. Wives aren’t supposed to do things like that.
Kamille. I’m sorry. The Jello was on sale, and I was in a weird mood. I’m calm now. I won’t do anything. I would only do that to the person I love.
Thane. So, the sparkling Jello down my boxers shows how much you love me?
Kamille. Yes.
End. Sleeping and Jello

Jana. Hey, what’s wrong?
Galo. It’s the cheese, Jana.
Jana. Why, what’s wrong with it?
Galo. It’s just not good.
Jana. What is that? Muenster?
Galo. Yes.
Jana. It’s a good cheese. I like it on sandwiches.
Galo. I do too, and I considered it to be one of my favorite cheeses, but on crackers, it’s just not good.
Jana. I’m sorry.
Galo. It’s too mild. I might as well dip this cracker in a glass of milk.
Jana. Well, what would make you happier?
Galo. A simple sharp cheddar.
Jana. Okay, let’s go. I’m going to buy you some cheddar cheese.
Galo. Really? Do you know a good cheese place?
Jana. Yes. Wisconsin.
Galo. Can I pack first?
Jana. No.
End. Mild Bad

Colette. We should try that.
Graham. Try what?
Colette. See the couple over there?
Graham. The ones kissing?
Colette. Yes. I think we should kiss.
Graham. Do you want to kiss now?
Colette. I’m not sure. If we did, it’d be like we were competing with the other couple.
Graham. They’re really going at it.
Colette. It reminds me of a time when I had a boyfriend in high school. We would kiss for so long, that I would get all dizzy because I wouldn’t get enough oxygen.
Graham. We’ll we shouldn’t kiss then, cause I didn’t bring my oxygen tank or my sneakers. I’m not ready for a marathon.
Colette. What makes you think I would kiss you for that long?
Graham. I don’t know, for nostalgia’s sake?
Colette. If I were to kiss you, it would only be a peck.
Graham. That sounds sad, yet enjoyable.
Colette. Oh, they’re done.
Graham. The girl’s crying.
End. Sad Yet Enjoyable Kissing.

Nando. So, I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. What? Wait, what about Lara?
Nando. What about her? I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can endorse this. Does Lara know about this?
Nando. No, why should I tell her?
Corrina. Well, why are you telling me?
Nando. I trust you, and I have no problems revealing my shortcomings to you.
Corrina. I think I’m getting nauseous.
Nando. Come on. This can’t be surprising. It’s me.
Corrina. Yes, I’m sorry, I’m putting general decency into your personality. So, what’s her name?
Nando. Ebba. I don’t know what it is. I meet her, right? And all I want to do is buy her things. I’m getting her stuffed bears, books, potted plants, I’m making her deserts. Get this, I go by a garage sale, and see this lamp, and I’m like I have to get this for her.
Corrina. A lamp? Sounds like love.
Nando. Nah, I thought about it in the shower, and I’ve just figured that I just want to buy her things to make her happy, you know?
Corrina. Well, why don’t you buy me things?
Nando. I’ve thought about that too, and I figured out this. Buying you things won’t make you happy. You’d just laugh at a lamp.
Corrina. You’re right, I would.
Nando. So, I don’t know what’ll make you happy. I just talk to you, you know?
Corrina. That’s actually sweet. In a strange way.
Nando. Oh yeah?
Corrina. Can you stop touching me?
End. Lamps vs. Conversation

Hitoshi Raccoon. May I have some of your vegetables in curry sauce over rice?
Noriko. I’m not sure.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Well, I was hoping there would be a way inside your flat so I can have a taste of your curry sauce, but these screen windows are in the way.
Noriko. Well, if you start clawing your way through the screen window, I’m going to have to dump a bucket full of water on you.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Do you think that will stop me?
Noriko. I hope so.
Jiji Cat. What the?
End. Raccoons Like Curry.

Ame. Where are you now?
Hector. I'm in friend's apartment.
Ame. Which one?
Hector. I'm at Marko's. I can't remember, have you met him?
Ame. He sounds familiar, where would I have met him?
Hector. Were you there when we went to the tracks?
Ame. He was the one wearing the straw hat?
Hector. Yup, that's the one.
Ame. So why are you calling me now, aren't you having fun with Marko?
Hector. Well, I'm a bit bored.
Ame. Isn't that kind of rude of you to call me to say your bored? Isn't your friend there?
Hector. Well, no. Actually he went out to go grocery shopping. He felt I was tired, so he left me here, so I'm calling you.
Ame. Oh, really? You're all alone in his apartment?
Hector. Yup.
Ame. Do you know where that straw hat is?
Hector. What do you mean?
Ame. You know, the one he was wearing. Do you know where it is?
Hector. Yeah, it's on the coat rack, why?
Ame. Can you steal it for me?
Hector. What?
Ame. Come on, will you do it?
Hector. I will steal his soap for you, but I will not steal his hat.
Ame. Ooh, what kind of soap does he have?
Hector. Hold on, let me go check ... he's got soft soap, but he also has this really nice smelling candle.
Ame. What does it smell like?
Hector. I don't know. Like flowers.
Ame. What color is it?
Hector. Light purple?
Ame. Ooh, can I have that?
Hector. Sure. I'll put it in my bag now.
Ame. I can't wait.
End. Candle No Straw Hat.

Ellis. Isn’t that Cyril?
Clarisa. Where?
Ellis. Across the street by the corner.
Clarisa. I can’t see him, there’s too many people.
Ellis. Right there, the one in the suit holding an umbrella.
Clarisa. They’re all holding an umbrella, Ellis.
Ellis. I can’t believe you can’t see him, he’s crossing the street.
Clarisa. Along with a hundred other men.
Ellis. You’re just overwhelmed by all the men in their suits.
Clarisa. Can you blame me? Look at them, one more wonderful than the other. Oh, I like that one.
Ellis. Which one?
Clarisa. The tall one with the unbuttoned single breasted suit, dark hair.
Ellis. The one with the umbrella, right?
Clarisa. What’s with you and umbrellas? But yes, he does have an umbrella, one of those longer ones with a wooden hook handle.
Ellis. That’s Cyril.
Clarisa. No. Really? He looks nice in a suit. What are you doing?
Ellis. I’m calling him on his cell. Let’s see if he wants to eat with us.
Clarisa. Oh, no. He’s probably busy.
Ellis. Hey, Cyril. It’s Ellis. Clarisa and I just saw you cross the street. Feel like eating lunch with us?
Clarisa. What is he saying?
Ellis. Yeah, I know. She really wants to see you up close in your suit.
Clarisa. What are you doing?
Ellis. She’s a bit attracted to you, Cyril. You know what? Why don’t you just the two of you have lunch? I’ve got some errands to do anyway.
Clarisa. Give me that phone ... ! I’m going to kill you ... !
Ellis. Hey hey, you just cut me off.
Clarisa. What do you think you’re doing?
Ellis. You don’t want to have lunch with Cyril?
Clarisa. I do, but I don’t need you to set it up like that.
Ellis. I’m sorry. It just happened, I thought it’d be funny.
Clarisa. I can’t believe you. Give me your phone.
Ellis. Here, who are you calling?
Clarisa. Cyril, I don’t want to have lunch with you, you cheating drug dealer.
Ellis. Tu Chez.
End. Suits and Umbrellas

Ruben. What are you looking at?
Cara. Someone down there has a gun.
Ruben. What, are you serious?
Cara. He’s looking around, waving his gun at people. Oh my god, everybody’s getting down to the floor, all the cars are swerving out of the way.
Ruben. We should call the police. Get away from the window. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you opening the window? I have the air conditioning on.
Cara. Hey! Coward! Yeah, you! You coward! Who do you think you are? You are a little man. Get the hell out of my town!
Ruben. Get the hell out of my town? What is going on? I knew we shouldn’t have ordered pizza. Please, can you get over here? I found a nice safe corner away from any stray bullets.
Cara. Oh, don’t you point that thing at me! If you don’t stop pointing that gun at me I’m going to ...

[gun shot heard, Cara drops to the floor]

Oh my gosh, he tried to kill me.
Ruben. I can’t blame him, you screaming at him like that. If I had a gun I would have shot you myself. Now get over here.
Cara. I could have been shot. I could have died. What was I thinking? I’m just really sick and tired of these people who terrorize people with their guns.
Ruben. Perhaps it would be healthier if you were a political cartoonist.

[another gun shot heard]

Cara. He’s shooting at us again.
Ruben. I think he’s shooting more at you. I haven’t had the honor of meeting him.
Cara. Hold me, Ruben.
Ruben. That’s what I was going to ask you.
Cara. I don’t ever want to spur on a man with a gun again.
Ruben. I know I have Post-it notes somewhere around here.
End.
Yelling at Madmen

Ruth. Why hello, Joel.
Joel. Ruth ... do you know if my New Yorker has come in or any of my subscriptions for that matter?
Ruth. Well, the day’s mail hasn’t come in.
Joel. That’s what I love about Alaska. It’ll demean reliable institutions such as the United State Postal Service into packets of Jello.
Ruth. It should have been in this morning, but I haven’t seen Maggie.
Joel. O’Connell? Leave it to O’Connell. What did she do? Did she see the package for me and decided to refuse to fly the mail in out of a deranged obsession to make my life miserable?
Ruth. Are you expecting a package as well?
Joel. Yes, I’m expecting a new set of titanium golf clubs to come in. They’ll cut my handicap down a good four strokes.
Ruth. Golf clubs? I never enjoyed the sport. It seems so peaceful on television, but I’ve witnessed my son toss his clubs through his Lincoln Continental one time. I could never support such a violent sport.
Joel. Oh, but that’s the beauty of the sport. Golf is requires a whole lot of passion.
[Ed dashes into the store out of breath]
Ruth. Ed, what’s gotten in to you? Well, come on Ed. Catch your breath and tell us what happened.
Ed. Hi, Ruth. Hi, Dr. Fleischman. It’s Maggie. Her plane crashed somewhere in the mountains.
End.
Mayday Mayday

Baguettes and Drinking.
Elena. I’m going to get you so drunk tonight.
Marius. I’m sorry?
Elena. Just be ready.
Marius. Ready to get drunk?
Elena. Yes. Eat bread, soft pretzels. Here, I got you a loaf of French bread. Here’s some butter, but don’t use too much.
Marius. Wow, thanks? You know, I’ve made French bread a couple times in my life.
Elena. Why?
Marius. When I was in Tahiti, everyone had a baguette under their arms.
Elena. Even the women?
Marius. Sure ... I guess so.
Elena. That’s disgusting. You know they don’t shave under there.
Marius. I don’t know. I can’t remember, but the men don’t either ... I’m guessing. Anyway, since baguettes were everywhere where even construction workers were carrying them ... under their arms...
Elena. Ew. I just want to say that even though I do shave under my arms, I did not carry the French bread under them.
Marius. Uh, well ... thank you? I don’t think I would eat it otherwise? So, yeah. Since it was so common in Tahiti, I thought it must be easy to make, like fries or something.
Elena. Fries would be good to have before you got drunk. Let’s go to Geno’s. I love their cheese fries.
Marius. Sounds good. We should go, but it turns out that French bread takes about four hours to make.
Elena. Four hours?
Marius. Yeah, you make the dough, wait for it to rise, punch it down, then wait to it to rise again, the punch it down again, and so on and so forth. My sweat and tears would literally be a part of the dough.
Elena. Well hum, that actually doesn’t bother me. I would still eat it.
Marius. Okay ... ? But my version of the French baguette is this dense and heavy bread. It’s good, but it’s not what you expect would be French bread, like this one.
Elena. Can I have a piece?
Marius. Sure, do you want butter?
Elena. Aw, I should have gotten cheese, but I’m not sure you should have too many dairy products before you got drunk.
Marius. I do not understand. Why do you want to get me drunk?
Elena. I think it’ll be funny.
Marius. I may vomit.
Elena. Then it’ll be even funnier.
Marius. Gee thanks, do you still want to go to Geno’s?
Elena. For fries? Let’s go.
End.

Piercings and Spiders.

Father. Now, why do you want your ears pierced?
Daughter. Because ...
Father. Yes?
Daughter. Why can’t I get them?
Father. Why do you want them?
Daughter. I mean ...
Father. Yes? Do you want me to guess?
Daughter. No. I hate it when you psychoanalyze me. I know exactly what you think I think.
Father. Really? What do I think you think?
Daughter. You think that I think that since every one of my friends have piercings already, that I want to have them too.
Father. And that’s not the case?
Daughter. No ...
Father. Well, good. I’m proud of you. Your motivations are not based on the actions of your peers.
Daughter. Stop it.
Father. Stop what?
Daughter. You’re psychoanalyzing me again.
Father. I’m sorry. I was telling you why I was proud of you.
Daughter. Yes, but no parent does it the way you do.
Father. Really?
Daughter. Yeah, really.
Father. But I do it the way I do only to try to understand you.
Daughter. I don’t want you to get to know me.
Father. Oh? Because I’m your father?
Daughter. Well ...
Father. It’s okay ... I don’t know what it is, but at your age it’s very natural to be rebellious, especially towards me. Actually, I don’t think you being rebellious enough.
Daughter. What? What do you mean?
Father. Come on. You just want your ears pierced? Not your belly button? You know, before I met your mother, I dated a girl who pierced her nose, twice.
Daughter. Dad! I don’t want to know this.
Father. Not only that, she shaved her head, and had a tattoo.
Daughter. You dated a girl with a tattoo?
Father. Yeah, it was a spider.
Daughter. A Spider? Why, does she like spiders?
Father. Actually no. She was scared of them. The reason why she got it was because she wanted to get over her fear of spiders.
Daughter. Did she get over her fear?
Father. No. Whenever she looked down at her tattoo, she freaked out. She was scared of her own tattoo.
Daughter. Are you serious? That’s kind of stupid.
Father. Well, I was kind of stupid for dating her.
Daughter. Yeah.
Father. Anyways, so. Do you really want your ears pierced?
Daughter. Can I get a tattoo?
Father. Can it be a tattoo of the Italian flag?
Daughter. No, we’re not even Italian.
Father. No, but it would be cool if we were.
Daughter. No, Dad. A tattoo of the Italian flag would be stupid.
Father. Then no. Get your ears pierced.
Daughter. Fine.
Father. Good, can I come?
Daughter. No.
Father. Fine.
End.

Francesca: I would like to go now.
Dom. Oh. Um, where do you want to go?
Francesca: It doesn’t matter, just out of here.
Dom. Ok, let’s go. Is there anywhere you want to go?
Francesca: I’m kind of hungry. Let’s get something to eat.
Dom. Well, there’s something to eat here. They’ve got ...
Francesca: I don’t care. I need to get out of here. That’s all.
Dom. Okay. I’ll get the car. Can you wait here?
Francesca: Can I come with you?
Dom. It raining though, and I don’t have an umbrella.
Francesca: It’s okay. I cannot stay here by myself.
Dom. Are you sure? It’s pouring. Listen to that. It’s like rocks are falling from the sky.
Francesca: I don’t care. Let’s just go.
Dom. Can you run in those heels?
Francesca: Yes. I had to run in these to catch a plane. The transfer only gave me five minutes so I had to literally sprint in these.
Dom. No problems?
Francesca: Nope.
Dom. So are you ready to run in the rain?
Francesca: Yes.