Henning. Look, there’s Viard.
Dodd. We’re too late. He’s taking the invisible pill.
Henning. We still have some time before we can’t see him.
Dodd. He’s already fading.
Henning. He doesn’t know that we’re here. We can surprise him.
Dodd. I can barely make him out. How do we surprise him?
Henning. We’re going to tackle him. We have to do it now.
Dodd. I hope he hasn’t moved from where he was.
Henning. Let’s go. He’ll look at himself to make sure he’s invisible before he moves.
End. Last Place

Mireille. Let’s go to the library. *cough cough* I’ve got some books I need to return.
Gero. Are you okay there?
Mireille. Yeah, I’m a bit sick. *cough cough*
Gero. Did you want to stay at the library too?
Mireille. You know how it goes. I return books, *cough cough* and browse the stacks for a couple hours and borrow another set of books.
Gero. I know, but you’re coughing.
Mireille. Yeah, so?
Gero. For one, you’re going to disturb everyone in the library.
Mireille. What? Hold on. *cough cough* Are you serious?
Gero. And you’ll probably infect them as well.
Mireille. Are you going to come with me *cough* to the library or not?
Gero. I don’t know. I might get sick too.
Mireille. Why *cough* are we friends?
Gero. Because I saved your life.
Mireille. I need a better reason than that.
End. *cough cough*

Karim. I now know that I lead a boring life.
Urs. Do you really?
Karim. I do.
Urs. Why?
Karim. I asked myself this question, “Karim, what would you like to do?” You know what I answered?
Urs. You asked yourself a question and you answered yourself?
Karim. I said, “I would like to go home and sleep please.”
Urs. You told yourself that you wanted to go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes.
Urs. Did you go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes, I did.
Urs. Now when you talk to yourself, do you talk to another you that you see or do you talk to your inner self?
Karim. What are you talking about?
Urs. I’m concerned about your mental health, Karim.
Karim. I’m mentally stable, Urs. Really.
Urs. Did you just tell yourself to say that?
Karim. No. Why?
Urs. Cause you hesitated, like you needed time to converse with yourself.
Karim. I’m fine, Urs. You’re the one that’s insane.
Urs. What are you telling yourself now?
Karim. I’m about to agree with myself to strangle you.
End. Boring Me

One.
Ortho. Do you have stamps?
Ravi. With me? No.
Ortho. You have stamps elsewhere?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. What kind of stamps? Are they American stamps?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. I would like to see your American stamps. May I see them?
Ravi. I don’t have them with me.
Ortho. I want to see your stamps. I want to buy your stamps.
Ravi. I can bring you my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Please bring your stamps to me.
Ravi. I will.
Ortho. Are they fresh stamps?
Ravi. Very fresh.
Ortho. Good. You are a good person.
Ravi. Thank you. I will come back with my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Thank you.

Two.
Ravi. I had the most bizarre conversation with this man today.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. He had these thick glasses that enlarged his eyes.
Soia. Well, what did he say?
Ravi. He asked me if I had stamps.
Soia. Stamps?
Ravi. He asked me to see my stamps.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. I was confused, but I told him that I would bring my stamps to him.
Soia. What does he want to do with your stamps?
Ravi. I don’t know. Mail something?
Soia. He asked you for stamps?
Ravi. He asked if they were American stamps and asked if they were fresh.
Soia. Of course they would be American. What else could they be?
Ravi. I don’t think he knows he’s in America. He was an old man. Maybe he was an avid collector when he was younger.
Soia. How strange. Why did he ask you if they were fresh?
Ravi. I have no idea. Maybe he likes the taste of stamps.
Soia. I would like to meet the person who likes the taste of stamps.
Ravi. You have a chance now.
End. The Taste of Stamps

Licia. What are you going to do with all your stuff?
Ignacy. I don’t know. Give it away, I guess.
Licia. All your cookware too?
Ignacy. I can’t just bring it with me. I’m just going to bring my knives.
Licia. I can’t believe you’re going by boat.
Ignacy. Why?
Licia. A plane is so much faster.
Ignacy. I don’t think I should get there fast. I’ll get there, but it should be eventual.
Licia. Your extending your transition.
Ignacy. Yeah. Something like that. It’s like jumping off a cliff. I want the fall to last as long as possible so I can recall the things I’ve done.
Licia. You sound like you’re going to die.
Ignacy. I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen to me. Everything is black.
Licia. What happened to you, Ignacy? You’ve become different.
Ignacy. I just have nothing now.
Licia. Except for your knives.
Ignacy. Except for my knives.
End. Slices
Rutonetwentyone

Regine. Hey, Pato. What’s going on?
Pato. Hi. I just had a revelation.
Regine. Really? Is that good or bad?
Pato. I don’t know really. I guess it’s both.
Regine. Well, you want to let me know what your revelation is?
Pato. I was at the library today, and Gisele was sitting next to me, right? No big deal. We’re just studying. Then some friend of her’s comes up from behind and hugs her.
Regine. Okay?
Pato. This is her reaction.
*Pato cringes his face in disgust.
Regine. So she didn’t want to be hugged by her friend?
Pato. No, she made that face because she thought I was hugging her. If I hugged her, that would be the face that she would have made.
Regine. What, are you interested in Gisele?
Pato. No, but to think that if I hugged anyone and their reaction was a look of disgust saddens me.
Regine. Saddens? Really?
Pato. But it also relieves me.
Regine. Why is that?
Pato. Because Gisele is one less person for me to worry about. We have this mutual indifference for each other. It’s rather nice.
Regine. So you have this relieved sadness?
Pato. I guess so.
Regine. Interesting. Hey, would you like to hug me?
Pato. That would be nice.
End. Mutual Indifference, Relieved Sadness

Frank. Joe, what are you doing here?
Joe. I didn’t know who else to go.
Frank. What, what’s the matter?
Joe. It’s my fiancée. She’s pregnant.
Frank. What? But you’re not married yet.
Joe. I never touched her, Frank.
Frank. The baby’s not yours?
Joe. No.
Frank. Are you going to call the wedding off?
Joe. I was going to, but now we’re just going to leave and have the child somewhere else.
Frank. I don’t know what to say, Joe.
Joe. Yeah, life sends you tight and unexpected turns.
Frank. What about the baby?
Joe. The baby will be born and I will be the father.
Frank. I don’t know whether to call you wise or stupid, Joe. When are you going to leave?
Joe. Soon. I came to give you this.
Frank. What is it?
Joe. A collection of books of mine. I thought you would like them.
Frank. Gee, Joe. Thanks.
Joe. Well, I need to be going.
Frank. God bless you, Joe.
Joe. Bless you.
End. Tight and Unexpected Turns
Matoneeighteen

Maeni. Hello.
Katia. Hello?
Maeni. You’re a zoner aren’t you?
Katia. Am I a zoner? Is that what you’re asking me?
Maeni. You are, aren’t you?
Katia. I don’t know. Am I?
Maeni. I think you are.
Katia. How do you know that?
Maeni. You’re not using a coaster.
Katia. You’re right. I’m not.
Maeni. And the ring of water from your cup.
Katia. Yes?
Maeni. You’ve been playing with it, spreading drops of water out from the ring with your straw.
Katia. That’s true.
Maeni. Even when that man dropped his tray in front of you, you were still concentrated on the water ring.
Katia. There was a man?
Maeni. He even said sorry. Look. There are stains of ketchup on your shoes from the burger he dropped.
Katia. So there are.
Maeni. You’re a zoner. You live in another world.
Katia. I guess I do. Are you going to help me?
Maeni. No, I want to ask you out to dinner.
End. Zoner

Capucine. Will you stop it?
Tobias. What?
Capucine. I know what you’re doing.
Tobias. What are you talking about?
Capucine. Your shadow. You're positioning your shadow so I would be walking over it.
Tobias. I am?
Capucine. I know your self esteem is very low, but to have me walk over your shadow is too much for me to handle.
Tobias. I didn’t realize I was doing it.
Capucine. That’s sad, Tobias. You don’t even realize what you’re doing to yourself. Why are you so self destructive?
Tobias. I don’t know.
Capucine. It’s because you need to be in control of your life, but the only way you can control it is to be self destructive. Don’t you see?
Tobias. Yes, I guess that makes sense.
Capucine. Seriously, you’ve got to stop hating yourself so much.
Tobias. I want to, but how do I do that?
Capucine. It’s something you’ve got to discover for yourself. I can’t really help you.
Tobias. You can’t?
Capucine. If I did, I think I would start hating you.
Tobias. You would?
Capucine. Do you want me to tell you you’re a good person?
Tobias. What’s wrong with that?
Capucine. What’s the point in me telling you that you are good when you don’t believe it yourself?
Capucine. I guess you’re right.
Tobias. Will you stop it?
End. Stepping on Shadows

Zuma. We did it.
Gobel. What, what happened?
Zuma. We got a sponsor.
Gobel. Really? Who?
Zuma. Kraehkamp.
Gobel. The ketchup company?
Zuma. Yeah, but apparently they do more than ketchup.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. They also make potato products like frozen French fries.
Gobel. That makes sense. Buy the French fries and eat them with the ketchup.
Zuma. Yeah, and it makes sense that they would make pasta sauces and baked beans too.
Gobel. Pasta sauce makes sense. I guess baked beans is a stretch, but still feasible.
Zuma. How about a variety of Asian sauces?
Gobel. Um, do they make Thai curries?
Zuma. I think they do.
Gobel. I’ve got to try it out.
Zuma. Kraehkamp makes cereal and rice products.
Gobel. Sounds like they’re covering the starches.
Zuma. Baby food.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. Yeah, and food for dogs and cats.
Gobel. Kraehkamp makes dog food?
Zuma. I guess it’s because of the starch products and their soy and tuna divisions.
Gobel. They’re in the ocean too?
Zuma. They’ve got a weight loss chain too.
Gobel. For those who don’t want to eat.
Zuma. They make whiskey too. Soaps, cooking oils, and they own a chicken restaurant chain.
Gobel. We need to stop them.
Zuma. I think I know how.
End. Kraehkamp Ketchup

Horst. Why are your bow and quivers out?
Igaal. The pigs are coming.
Horst. So soon?
Igaal. I saw Cerdo Rosado in the brush this afternoon.
Horst. Cerdo Rosado? Here? Does he know that we’re the only ones?
Igaal. I don’t know. I tried to strike the pig, but he saw me and dashed out of range. He was snorting, enjoying himself.
Horst. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pig as fast as Cerdo Rosado.
Igaal. I do not think I have either.
Horst. When do you think the pigs will come?
Igaal. Quiet.
Horst. What is it?
Igaal. Cerdo Rosado is here.
Horst. Again?
Cerdo Rosado. Hello? *snort snort* I have come back to determine *snort* if you two are the only ones here. *snort snort*
Igaal. Yes, Cerdo Rosado. It is true. Only Horst and I are here.
Cerdo Rosado. You are not the one who tried to mark me with a quiver. *snort snort* Where is he? *snort*
Igaal. He went to get help. We know you will be here with the others.
Cerdo Rosado. Where is your bow? *snort snort*
Igaal. I do not have it with me.
Cerdo Rosado. I’m afraid I will have to take advantage of this situation. *snort snort*
Igaal. Will you tell me one thing?
Cerdo Rosado. What is it? *snort*
Igaal. Have you returned only to make sure there were the two of us?
Cerdo Rosado. It is a situation that is too good. *snort snort* We will eat everything you have grown for the harvest. *snort*
Igaal. And you will eat me first? Will you charge me?
Cerdo Rosado. Unfortunately, *snort* yes. *snort snort*
*Cerdo Rosado charges*
Igaal. Horst, now.
End. Horst Reveals Himself

Urtes. Excuse me.
Neige. Yes?
Urtes. I have to ask you to leave.
Neige. Leave? I don’t understand.
Urtes. We would rather you leave the café.
Neige. Did I do something?
Urtes. No. You didn’t do anything.
Neige. Then why do I have to leave? Are you asking everybody to leave?
Urtes. No, just you.
Neige. You’re going to have to explain before you really have a good reason for me to leave?
Urtes. Your kind. We do not welcome your kind.
Neige. My kind? What did my kind do?
Urtes. Please, will you leave?
Neige. I’ll tell you the truth. I want to take you down by the neck and make you cry like a baby, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to leave and feel sorry for you and your establishment. And look. I’m going to pay for my tea, just to surprise you. Just a suggestion. You should have signs on your door explaining who can or cannot come in. If you had a sign. I would have definitely not come in. Will you make a sign?
Urtes. ...
End. You Are Not Welcome Here

Henning. Get down.
Dodd. What is it?
Henning. It’s a metal ugly tree.
Dodd. Are we going to die?
Henning. No. How many arrows do you have?
Dodd. Two.
Henning. Give me one.
Dodd. No, they’re mine. You used all yours on that cloud of obscene.
Henning. Are you going to use both arrows on the metal ugly tree?
Dodd. I don’t know.
Henning. We have to kill it.
Dodd. Why?
Henning. Cause it’ll kill us first.
Dodd. Can I kill it with one arrow?
Henning. No, with two, but it has to be at the same time.
Dodd. But I can’t shoot two arrows at the same time.
Henning. That’s why you have to give me one.
Dodd. So we’ll shoot the metal ugly tree together?
Henning. One arrow has to go in the base of the trunk and the other has to pierce a leaf.
Dodd. Can I hit the base?
Henning. Okay. Here, give me an arrow.
Dodd. Here.
Henning. Ready?
Dodd. Henning?
Henning. Yeah?
Dodd. Will it scream?
Henning. I hope so.
End. Backyard Forest

Kiti. Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes, Honey?
Kiti. I know what I want for my birthday.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh really?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Are you going to tell me?
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Is that all you want?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Now, do you want any teddy bear or is there a teddy bear you want?
Kiti. I want this one.
Mr. Thierry Caron. What’s this?
Kiti. It’s a catalog of teddy bears.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I see. So which one did you want?
Kiti. The one on the first page.
Mr. Thierry Caron. $51,520.00!?
Kiti. Can you get it for me, Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Do you know how much fifty one thousand dollars is?
Kiti. Is it a lot?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I could buy a really nice car with that kind of money.
Kiti. What kind of car?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Some European automobile that I could drive through the Autobahn as fast as I can late at night.
Kiti. But the teddy bear is also a hot water bottle to keep me warm.
Mr. Thierry Caron. You know what? A lot of German cars have heated seats to keep you warm too.
Kiti. The teddy bear is from Germany too. His head turns.
Mr. Thierry Caron. How would you like a nice German crafted automobile, Kiti?
End. German Crafted

Beat. What’s this?
Inigo. What is it? A card?
Beat. I don’t know. “Ask for Tom.” There's a number.
Inigo. What’s the number?
Beat. 5-8-5-2-7-5-4-4-8-4
Inigo. I wonder where that is.
Beat. I have no idea.
Inigo. Is there anything else on it?
Beat. No.
Inigo. Can I see it?
Beat. Sure.
*Inigo smells the card.
Beat. What do you smell?
Inigo. *sniff sniff* Chalk, and ... *sniff* something old and musty. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m going to call the number.
Beat. What? Why? Because of the smell?
Inigo. *sniff* It’s nice. It’s familiar. I trust this card.
Beat. Here, let me smell it. *sniff sniff*
Inigo. Well?
*Beat runs with the card.
Inigo. Come back here! What is that number? 585...? What is it?
End. Ask For Tom

Llama. Are you sure this is going to work?
Crocodile. We need to do this if it doesn’t work or not.
Camel. It’s not going to work. It’s a waste of time.
Ostrich. I don’t understand why we need to do this. What’s wrong with where we live now?
Crocodile. You’re all cowards. All of you.
Camel. Come on, Llama. We don’t need this.
Llama. I’m tired Camel. Let’s just do this. We have nothing to lose.
Crocodile. Exactly. We have nothing to lose. The gain truly outweighs the loss.
Camel. You’re an idiot Crocodile. I don’t understand why we all follow you. What is this? The Crocodile club? I’m sick of following you.
Crocodile. But we have to do this.
Camel. No. I’m not going to follow you anymore.
Llama. Camel. We need to do this. We have nowhere else to go.
Camel. I don’t care. I’m leaving. Are you coming with me, Llama?
Llama. I want to try Crocodile’s idea. What else are we going to do?
Crocodile. Go, Camel. You do whatever you want.
*Camel leaves.
Crocodile. Okay, Llama. Dial the number.
Ostrich. Why didn’t Camel ask me to go with him?
End. Last To Pick