Hallit. Isn’t that the kid who stole your wallet the other day?
Berren. Yeah, looks like he’s about to steal another.
Hallit. We should do something.
Berren. Like what?
Hallit. We should take him aside and get your wallet back.
Berren. It’s probably gone by now. I was an old wallet.
Hallit. How much money did he take from you?
Berren. Around fifty dollars I think.
Hallit. We should get that fifty back from that punk then.
Berren. Look at him. Look how he just rides on people’s side. He’s taking advantage of the crowds. That guy has no idea.
Hallit. We should stop him from taking the guy’s wallet.
Berren. Like how?
Hallit. I don’t know. I just want to embarrass the little punk.
Berren. He didn’t steal your money.
Hallit. Yeah, he stole yours. We should steal something from him.
Berren. Well, you better hurry. He just got the guy’s wallet.
Hallit. I’m going to trip him up and take his sneakers.
Berren. Are you serious?
Hallit. You can take off one and I’ll take off the other, then we run.
Berren. I don’t know. I’ve got to return these books.
Hallit. Come on. He’s going to have to explain to whoever why he doesn’t have shoes on.
Berren. It’s the middle of the day.
Hallit. That makes it better. It’s out in the public like lifting the stone to reveal the roach that he is. Come on, he stole your money. We need to teach him a lesson.
Berren. If anything, it’ll confuse him. It was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. I should have known he was trying to get at my wallet. He got me fair.
Hallit. So you’re not coming with me?
Berren. You’re still going to do it?
Hallit. Yeah.
Berren. Well, don’t get caught, oh. Here take this.
*Berren takes out library books out of a bag and gives the bag to Hallit.
Hallit. What’s this for?
Berren. So you can put the sneakers in.
Hallit. Thanks. See, if you came with me, you could hold him down while he watches me tie his sneakers together and fling them across the telephone wires. Maybe the guy who got his wallet stolen wants to help out even.
Berren. I’ll go ask him for you.
End. Sneakers for the Effort
gentwentysevenfortythree

Karel. What is it?
Ales. I think I left my keys in the flat.
Karel. Are you serious?
Ales. I know I did. They’re on the bed.
Karel. Do you have a spare?
Ales. No.
Karel. What about calling the landlord?
Ales. I’d rather not. This is my fourth time doing this.
Karel. Fourth?
Ales. Yeah. It’s kind of embarrassing. I don’t know what to do.
Karel. Hold on.
Ales. What are you doing? What’s that?
Karel. It’s a lock picking tool.
Ales. What? Why do you have that?
Karel. Call it a hobby.
Ales. You pick locks as a hobby?
Karel. It’s like solving a jigsaw puzzle and it’s practical.
Ales. Are you serious?
Karel. There. I got it.
Ales. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Karel. It’s okay. I use it for good like now.
Ales. I guess so. Can you get into any apartment?
Karel. I don’t know. I’ve never tried. I can get into my apartment, Forsey’s, and now yours.
Ales. Forsey’s? So it was you.
Karel. Yeah.
Ales. Why did you steal his sheets?
Karel. Those were my sheets. I bought them. I wanted them back, but I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
End. Door Three
gentwentytwoseven

Nena. Hey, Stal. What’s up?
Stal. I heard you have a guest staying with you for the weekend.
Nena. Um, yeah. She’s a friend of a friend that I met in Norway.
Stal. Do you mind if I meet her?
Nena. You came all the way to my apartment to meet her?
Stal. Perr was telling me about her and how she likes to fish.
Nena. Yeah, so?
Stal. Nena. I love fishing.
Nena. Yeah, so do fat men in overalls. What’s going through your head?
Stal. I also heard she likes rock climbing.
Nena. You love to rock climb too?
Stal. I just feel like your guest might be the perfect one for me.
Nena. Because she likes to fish and rock climb?
Stal. No, not just that. It was the way Perr described her. I have to meet her, Nena. Can I come in?
Nena. I don’t know. This is unusual. I really don’t know her. What am I supposed to do?
Stal. You can let me in and introduce me to her. If we’re perfect for each other then we’ll hit it off. If not, then c’est la vie.
Nena. Would you want me to explain to her that you think that she might be the one for you?
Stal. Sure. Why not?
Nena. I don’t know if I can let you in, Stal.
Stal. Why not?
Nena. It’s awkward. I just don’t know her well enough. What kind of guest lets strangers come in to be a suitor? Why are you putting me in this kind of situation?
Stal. Please, Nena. I just have this feeling that she’s the one. It’ll be awkward. I know, but I am willing to experience the awkwardness just to meet her.
Nena. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m willing to.
Stal. Birke? Birke, can you hear me? My name is Stal. I need to meet you. Please, can you come to the door?
Nena. I’m sorry, Stal. I’m going to close to door now.
*Nena closes the door
Birke. Who was that at the door?
Nena. Oh, a friend of mine.
Birke. He knows who I am?
Nena. Do you remember Perr?
Birke. Yes. We had lunch with him, didn’t we?
Nena. Yeah, Perr told my friend about you.
Birke. What about me?
Nena. I’m not sure, really. About your interest in fishing and rock climbing.
Birke. Your friend likes fishing and rock climbing?
Nena. I think so.
Birke. Can I meet your friend?
End. Initiating Certainty
gennineteensix

One.
Pater. Have you been having vivid dreams lately?
Natassa. Yeah, why? Have you?
Pater. I think it’s because of the change in weather.
Natassa. Maybe.
Pater. My dreams are really vivid. I feel like I’m really close to controlling them.
Natassa. What do you mean?
Pater. I mean, these are dreams right? So I want to be able to realize that I’m in a dream and go crazy.
Natassa. What would you do?
Pater. I don’t know. I guess it depends on the dream.
Natassa. Give me an example.
Pater. Okay, last night I dreamt that a pack of wolves were chasing me in this castle. All I did was run away and hide in cabinets. I finally got outside, but a wolf caught up to me and started to bite off my fingers. I hated it. If I knew it was a dream, then I think would have had a better time of it.
Natassa. Wouldn’t you still be running away?
Pater. I don’t know. I kind of wonder how much control I could have over my dreams. If I could make a bow and arrow appear then I could defend myself.
Natassa. Why a bow and arrow?
Pater. I don’t know. There’s something cool about setting up an arrow on the string of a bow, pulling back, and letting it go.
Natassa. Last night I dreamed that I met a guy. We were having a really good time together, but when we left each other, we forgot to exchange numbers. I woke up feeling like I missed an opportunity.
Pater. I wonder if I could have the wolves hunt him down.
End. Wolf Prime Minister

Two.
Bronnen. Hey, what’s wrong?
Tania. I had a dream last night that really affected me.
Bronnen. Really?
Tania. It was horrible. There were these two men who had come to take this little boy away from me. The boy ran to me clinging onto me and crying. I could feel the warmth from his tears when I put my cheeks to his eyes. I held him close, then kissed his wet eyes. The two men came up to me and tore him away from me. That was when I woke up.
Bronnen. Are you going to be okay?
Tania. Who were those men? What did this boy do? I don’t understand why they had to take him away. He was only a boy, Bronnen.
Bronnen. I don’t know.
Tania. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do when they took him away. He was reaching out to me when they took him away. I should have done something. He was only a boy. I don’t understand.
End. Said Eyes Unfocused
genfiftenntwelve

Themus. What is this? An airline ticket? Where are you going?
Marga. Kolonihavnen.
Themus. Where is that?
Marga. Greenland.
Themus. I’m a little confused. Why are you going to Greenland?
Marga. I’m going to go to a place where my sleeping patterns match a normal way of life.
Themus. What are you talking about?
Marga. Do you know when the last time I actually got up to eat breakfast when it’s supposed to be breakfast? I can’t remember. I love breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, omelets, Belgium waffles, orange juice, toast, bacon.
Themus. So that’s all you want to do? Eat breakfast?
Marga. I just want to have a normal sleep schedule. Wake up at six in the morning, go to sleep at eleven. I’m like jet lagged right now.
Themus. But you haven’t gone anywhere.
Marga. But it’s as if I flew from Greenland to here. Greenland is my biological clock home.
Themus. When are you leaving?
Marga. Next week.
Themus. For how long?
Marga. I don’t know yet. I can stay there for ninety day without a visa.
Themus. You’re going to stay there for three months?
Marga. I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll see if I can find some work there.
Themus. You’re out of you mind.
Marga. I’ll be sure to see the Aurora Borealis and Fata Morgana.
Themus. What’s Fata Morgana?
Marga. They’re illusions caused by the reflections off of snow, ice, combined with the cold. In the distance, you’ll be able to see things like cities and boats in the middle of nowhere. I can’t wait to go, Themus. I’m finally going to live a good and normal life.
Themus. In Greenland.
End. Fata Morgana
geneighttwelve

Catalin. This beach better be worth it.
Doren. Trust me, it is.
Catalin. All I see is volcano rock to the left and right of me.
Doren. I’m telling you. The sand is so fine that it massages your feet.
Catalin. Really?
Doren. Tourist don’t know about this place and it’s not a surfing spot for the locals, so there’s a good chance we’ll be the only ones there.
Catalin. Well, where is it?
Doren. We’re almost there.
Catalin. I feel like I’m on the moon. There’s nothing here but volcano rock. I could kill you, take off my clothes, and no one would know it.
Doren. Um, yeah. You should be able to see the beach after this hill.
Catalin. Mind if I go ahead?
Doren. Sure. Just watch your step. Last time, a pocket of rock collapsed under a friend of mine, ripping up his legs.
Catalin. Uh, Doren?
Doren. Yeah?
Catalin. The beach isn’t there.
Doren. What?
Catalin. Are you sure this is the right place? Look, it’s all rock, then the ocean.
Doren. It’s gone. I can’t believe it. This is the right path. I mean, we passed the gate.
Catalin. You’ve got to be kidding me. No beach? All this and no beach?
Doren. It must have eroded away.
Catalin. When was the last time you were here?
Doren. A couple months ago?
Catalin. Were there any storms that went by?
Doren. There must have been while I was on the mainland. I can’t believe it’s gone.
Catalin. What do we do now?
Doren. I don’t know.
Catalin. Let’s eat first. I’m hungry.
Doren. Maybe the beach will come back after a couple of months.
Catalin. I don’t know, Doren. Sand doesn’t just jump back onto the coast.
Doren. I’ve never experienced sand like that before. It’s got to come back. I’ll wait for a couple months and come back. The beach’ll be back.
Catalin. I’ll be busy that day.
End. Swimming Grains of Sand
genseventwentythree

Haella. Why do you have separator for the fish tank?
Miron. Oh, Giso is beating up on Uwe. I have to keep them separated.
Haella. Giso? What’s his problem?
Miron. I guess it’s in his nature to beat up on other fish.
Haella. What’s he do? Take his fins and slap Uwe around?
Miron. Nah, he tries to eat off Uwe’s tail and fins. That way, Uwe can’t swim to the food before Giso does.
Haella. Is that why Uwe is smaller than Giso?
Miron. Yeah. It’s the wonders of natural competition at work.
Haella. Poor Uwe. Will he be able to fend for himself?
Miron. I don’t know. Intimidation is already instilled into him. He may grow to be bigger than Giso, but he’s already set on thinking like a scared little fish.
Haella. I think you should put a smaller fish in with Uwe so he could beat it up.
Miron. They’ll probably just live peacefully together.
Haella. Then you should get rid of Giso.
Miron. Why? I like Giso. He lets me pet him.
Haella. You pet your fish?
Miron. Sure. Giso might be a bully, but he has personality. He knows I’m boss.
Haella. Do you have a jar, or a plastic bag? I want to put Giso in it and shake his personality out of his colorful little body.
Miron. I can’t let you do that. Giso cost me thirty dollars.
End. Twenty and a Ten
genfourfifteen

Mariola. So where do you want to eat?
Alvaro. Do you want to go to Berlanga’s?
Mariola. No.
Alvaro. Are you still afraid to go there?
Mariola. Yes. I’m telling you. When we left, I turned back to see our waiter talking to another waiter and pointing at us.
Alvaro. It was your idea to leave Pesos to cover the rest of the bill and tip.
Mariola. We had nothing else. I cannot believe you didn’t bring a credit card.
Alvaro. I keep my cash and cards separate. I just forgot my cards that day.
Mariola. Anyways, I’m not going back there. It’s too soon.
Alvaro. Are you suggesting we lie low until the heat blows over?
Mariola. Or until those two waiters don’t work there anymore.
Alvaro. How do you know they’ll remember us?
Mariola. Pesos, Alvaro. That’s probably the only time they received pesos as partial payment for the bill and tip.
Alvaro. Maybe we should have told them we couldn’t cover the bill. We could have done the dishes or something.
Mariola. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was just so awkward. I couldn’t think straight. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Alvaro. Okay. How about we just rent a movie and order out?
Mariola. Do you have enough cash at home?
Alvaro. Do you still carry Pesos in your purse?
Mariola. That’s not funny.
End. Pesos que caen
genthreetwentyfour

Florella. How long have you had this for?
Octavian. About five years now.
Florella. Has it been that long since I’ve seen you last?
Octavian. I guess it has.
Florella. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bamboo forest in someone’s backyard before.
Octavian. Yeah. This is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands.
Florella. Are you really planning to cut them down and make bamboo spears out of them?
Octavian. For my army to take over the town? Not yet. A couple of more years, and they’ll be ready.
Florella. What do you have against the mayor anyway?
Octavian. She’s a tyrant. Someone has to stop her.
Florella. Don’t you think that having a forest of bamboo will stir suspicion?
Octavian. Maybe, but they can’t prove anything. I just have a forest of bamboo. It’s not like I have laboratory of explosives in my basement.
Florella. Well, it’s nice though. It’ll be a shame to cut the trees down.
Octavian. I’m actually having second thoughts.
Florella. Really?
Octavian. I find myself drawn to these trees.
Florella. That would make sense. You’ve taken care of them all this time.
Octavian. They’re like my children. I think it’ll be hard to cut my children down.
Florella. I guess it comes down to whether you hate the mayor more than you love your bamboo.
Octavian. Right now, I love my bamboo more, but that might change in a couple of years.
Florella. At least I got to see them. I might have to stop you if you try to cut them down.
Octavian. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. Here, knock on the trunk.
Florella. Lovely.
End. Grow Bamboo Grow
gentwonine

Jiji Cat. Can I have a drink of water?
Noriko. I just poured you a fresh bowl. And it’s even filtered water.
Jiji Cat. I don’t know. It’s really difficult to drink from that bowl. It must be a bowl for dogs.
Noriko. No, it’s the same type bowl that you eat your food out of.
Jiji Cat. Really? That can’t be. It’s really difficult to drink from this bowl. I’m pretty sure it’s a dog bowl if not then it’s a bowl only for eating from, so I can’t drink from it.
Noriko. I have another bowl for you to drink out of.
Jiji Cat. I don’t know. It’s probably another dog bowl.
Noriko. It’s one of my own bowls. It’s a human bowl. Don’t you want to be like a human and drink out of my bowl?
Jiji Cat. Humans don’t drink out of bowls.
Noriko. That is true. Well at least not normally.
Jiji Cat. Why can’t I just drink out of the bathtub faucet?
Noriko. It’s just seems like a waste of water to me. What happens when I go out and you’re thirsty? Do you expect me to leave it on all day?
Jiji Cat. Why not? You don’t pay for water. I overheard the landlord. Water and heat are included in rent.
Noriko. It’s still a waste of water. Gallons of water go to waste so that you drink a quarter of a cup a day. That’s not right.
Jiji Cat. Well, I’m not drinking from a dog bowl. What are you going to do? Let me dehydrate?
Noriko. You can easily hydrate yourself by drinking the filtered water I put out for you. It’s cold and clean. It’s much better than the water from the faucet.
Jiji Cat. But the water doesn’t flow. I need to drink from flowing water. Your neighbors will find out that you’re abusing me.
Noriko. I’m not abusing you. You’re abusing yourself.
Jiji Cat. I want you to turn on the bathtub faucet.
Noriko. You have to learn that your have to drink from your bowl.
Jiji Cat. Are you going to turn on the faucet?
Noriko. No.
Jiji Cat. Turn on the faucet.
Noriko. There is water for you now. Look, I’ll even change the water again. Here.
Jiji Cat. I’m going to the faucet. You better follow me and open that faucet. And don’t open it all the way. It needs to be a trickle so I can lap from it.
Noriko. I have to go now. There’s water in the bowl. Please drink from it.
Jiji Cat. I’ll let you pet me.
Noriko. Sorry. I’ll leave the light on. I’ll see you later tonight.
Jiji Cat. Meow?
End. Animal Wrong
genonetwentysix

Boden. You really shouldn’t have gotten me something.
Elsa. Yeah, I actually thought about it. I mean. How many times have we seen each other?
Boden. I think you can count it in hours.
Elsa. I know. And now you’re leaving. So, what the heck. I got you something as a going away present. It seems appropriate in a way.
Boden. You really shouldn’t have. I didn’t get you something. What would have I gotten you? I really don’t know. I’m not exactly sure what you like. I guess I could have gotten you something as thoughtless as perfume or flowers.
Elsa. You would have gotten me flowers?
Boden. No, probably not. Maybe after a couple more hours of being with you.
Elsa. Well, I didn’t get you flowers or perfume.
Boden. That’s good because I would have had to explain that I’m a man.
Elsa. I would have enjoyed your attempt to convince me that you are a man.
Boden. Attempt? So where’s my gift? Is it a dress?
Elsa. Come on in, I have it inside.
Boden. I was looking forward to it, but now since I’m imagining it being a dress, I’m preparing myself to give you a polite thank you.
Elsa. Now I wish I got you a dress. Have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?
Boden. I don’t know, what do you have?
Elsa. Let’s see. Water, Diet Seven Up, milk? I could make you some tea.
Boden. Do you have peppermint.
Elsa. I think I do. Would you like some?
Boden. Sure.
Elsa. So, while the water is coming to a boil, let me get you your gift.
Boden. I don’t know how to feel anymore.
Elsa. Just accept it. Here. I’m sure you’ll like it.
Boden. Before I open it, I just want to tell you that I’ve enjoyed the hours that we’ve had together.
Elsa. I have too, it’s too bad that you’re leaving. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a friend yanked out of my life quite as quickly.
Boden. Strangely enough, it happens to me all the time.
Elsa. Really?
Boden. I feel like I’m living out TV episodes of The Fugitive. I arrive, get to know a hand full of people, then poof, the cops come and chase me away.
Elsa. Sounds like the A Team to me.
Boden. It’s a common theme.
Elsa. Even though I don’t know you all that well, I think I would lie to the cops so that you could get away.
Boden. You could go to jail for that.
Elsa. Oh, then never mind.
Boden. Well gee. That’s reassuring. Threaten to pummel you with pillows and you would rat me out.
Elsa. Maybe if I knew you for a couple more hours, then yes, I would lie to the cops for you.
Boden. Well how many hours would it take?
Elsa. I don’t know, but you’re almost there.
Boden. What? Three? Four?
Elsa. I think a good eight hours more would be sufficient.
Boden. I’m up for eight more hours. I’ll even make it eight and a half to make it a Fellini film.
Elsa. Oh, the water’s boiling. I’ll get the tea.
Boden. Do you mind if I open the gift now?
Elsa. No, go ahead. Do you want honey in yours?
Boden. Yes, please. What’s this? I really like it. I like how the snow slowly swirls past the corners the buildings. Thank you very much. I definitely won’t throw it away.
Elsa. Um, thanks. I think there’s something quietly nostalgic about snow globes. I’ve always enjoyed snow falling. And since it’s been snowing, I thought it would be fitting. Call it a quiet nostalgic reminder of me.
Boden. Thank you.
End. Life Les Miserables

Emil. I was talking to my mom the other day.
Livi. Really? I love your mother. She has a really good sense of humor. It’s kind of sad that you didn’t pick it up.
Emil. I’m more like my father. I use other people’s jokes and make them my own. So I was talking to my mom on the phone.
Livi. Whom I love.
Emil. Right, and she tells me that the first date she had with my dad was watching The Godfather.
Livi. Really? I’ve never seen that movie. That’s with Marlon Brando, right?
Emil. The Godfather. Not exactly a date movie. It’s a bit on the long side, but it’s The Godfather. Amazing. What a way to start dating.
Livi. With The Godfather? What’s the big deal?
Emil. Out of all the movies to do on a date on, my father takes my mom to The Godfather. It’s like they had to marry after that.
Livi. Because of The Godfather?
Emil. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to find someone. I haven’t been taking them to monumental films. I’ve been taking them to dinky films like The Royal Tennenbaums or Amelie.
Livi. I liked Amelie.
Emil. Yeah, but it’s not The Godfather.
Livi. So what would be a monument film?
Emil. You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t think of one.
Livi. I’m sure one will come around.
Emil. Feel like watching The Godfather?
End. The Godfather and Marriage

Massimo. What’s this, a water gun?
Lemmy. Yup.
Massimo. Don’t the kids have super soakers now? This is something I would have played with in my day.
Lemmy. I don’t believe you.
Massimo. No really. During the summer, we would run around, squirting each other. That, or tossing water balloon at each other like grenades.
Lemmy. You? You were never a kid.
Massimo. Can’t imagine it, can you?
Lemmy. Nope.
Massimo. So it can’t be true, right?
Lemmy. Right.
Massimo. So, why do have this and not a super soaker?
Lemmy. Can I see that?
Massimo. Here.
*Lemmy points the water gun at Massimo
Massimo. Hold on there. What? You’re going to shoot me?
*Lemmy points to Massimo’s shoulder and squirts a line of water on it
Massimo. One more squirt, Lemmy. One more.
Lemmy. I didn’t even soak you. Do you know how much water one squirt is? I measured it. It’s a little more than a tablespoon. About a tablespoon of water got that reaction from you. The goal is not to soak, but to hit with accuracy. A super soaker is a sloppy water gun. Not only you would be soaked, but my floor and maybe my bed behind you. This is clean. I got this for a dollar and I can hit inside people’s ears.
Massimo. Remind me never to buy you a bb gun.
*Lemmy aims at Massimo’s other shoulder
End. Aim Squirt

Moio. Hey, how are ya, Seiji?
Seiji. I’m doing good, Moio. It looks like a busy night tonight.
Moio. I wish every night was like this, you know what I mean? Let me take care of this customer, then I’ll take care of you.
Seiji. Sure, Moio. You take your time.
Moio. Here’s you’re pepperoni, extra large. You need anything else?
Customer. Nah, I’m good. Thanks a lot.
Moio. Sure sure, enjoy the pie.
Customer. Bye.
Moio. Okay now, what can I do for you, Seiji?
Seiji. Actually, I have a favor to ask of you.
Moio. Anything, name it.
Seiji. My son’s birthday is coming up next month. I was wondering if we could have the party here. In your pizzeria. Do you think that’s a possibility? You know how much Toshiro loves this place.
Moio. Hey guys, Seiji wants to have his son’s birthday party here. In the pizzeria. This is the best news I’ve heard all week. You know what I’m going to do?
Seiji. What’s that?
Moio. I’m going to bring your son back here and have him make his own pizza. He can put anything he wants on it. Doesn’t matter to me, he’s the birthday boy. So when’s the party going to be?
Seiji. Next month, on the seventeenth.
Moio. Hey people, just to let you know, the pizzeria’s gonna be closed the seventeenth, next month. I don’t want to hear about it. Adriano.
Adriano. Yeah?
Moio. You gotta make some signs saying we’re gonna be closed that day.
Adriano. You got it.
Seiji. There’s another favor I want to ask you, Moio.
Moio. Shoot.
Seiji. Can you make your cannolis for the party as well?
Moio. I’ll make my special Roman Cannoli, you wouldn’t believe how good it is.
End. Pizza Party

Mari. That’s a lot of police cars.
Kees. Yeah. It is.
Mari. What’s going on here? Are they all for you?
Kees. Me? Come on. No.
Mari. Oh, look over there. They all look pretty shocked, don’t they? I wonder what they did.
Kees. Bunch of drug dealers. You can smell it on them.
Mari. Is that what that is? Kees?
Kees. Yeah?
Mari. Is that guy staring at you?
Kees. Which one?
Mari. One of the dealers against the wall. The one in the white shirt.
Kees. Yeah, he is.
Mari. Do you know him?
Kees. Yeah, I do. I set him up.
Mari. You what?
Kees. I told him about this place. Told him where he could get stuff cheap so he could deal it out. Then I call the cops and tell them about the place.
Mari. How do you know this guy?
Kees. A friend knows him. He bumped into us when we were having lunch, asking us to hook him up.
Mari. So you told him about this place?
Kees. He’s a dealer and a cheat. He’s a bridge from the underworld to this world. I’m just burning him so no one can use him anymore.
Mari. How did you know about this place?
Kees. I knew another bridge who I thought was a friend, but all he wanted from me was to be a subscriber. See the guy with the aloha shirt on?
Mari. Is that the other bridge?
Kees. Yeah.
Mari. Looks like you burned down four today.
Kees. Heh, let’s go.
End. Burning Bridges

Willem. Hey look at that.
Carice. What is it?
Willem. Over there by the corner. The car.
Carice. That car must be from the fifties.
Willem. They don’t make cars like that anymore.
Carice. It’s not moving anywhere. You can only see one headlight and part of the grille from here.
Willem. Yeah, I kind of want to see the rest of the car.
Carice. It’s kind of funny, but the car looks like it’s hiding from us, taking a peek from the corner.
Willem. That man. Look, he must have come out of the car.
Carice. I would say so. Look how he’s dressed, and a cane no less. You, think there’s a knife in that cane?
Willem. Should I try to mug him to find out?
Carice. Why don’t you just ask him?
Willem. How easy would that be?
Carice. Hey, I didn’t know anyone lived in that building.
Willem. I didn’t think so either. What’s he doing? Is he going to go in?
Carice. I don’t know. I think he wants to go in.
Willem. Why doesn’t he? He’s just standing there.
Carice. I wonder what’s in that building.
Willem. Want to follow him if he goes in?
Carice. I don’t know. If we do I think we should bring something to defend ourselves just in case.
Willem. Like a weapon?
Carice. Yeah. Do you have anything?
Willem. I have a compound bow.
Carice. What? Like a bow and arrow?
Willem. Yeah. It was a random gift from the guys at work.
Carice. Isn’t it kind of big?
Willem. Yes, but that’s all I have that might be intimidating.
Carice. I think it’s more confusing than intimidating.
Willem. It’s better than being amusing.
Carice. Look, there he goes. Hurry, get your bow.
Willem. Really?
Carice. Hurry.
Willem. Okay.
End. Potential Confusing Intimidation

Sten. Doesn’t that look like Karin? It’s not her, but doesn’t she look like her?
Finn. I guess so. I think she’s taller than Karin.
Sten. She even walks like her.
Finn. I actually bumped into Karin the other day.
Sten. Really? Where?
Finn. Where was it? Oh right. It was at the library. She was doing some research on lumber companies.
Sten. I really respect her. She’s really intelligent. I really enjoy having conversations with her.
Finn. Yeah. She seems easy to talk to. She was explaining the economics of lumber in such a way that I wanted to be in lumber.
Sten. She’s not married is she?
Finn. Not that I know of.
Sten. She’ll make a good wife.
Finn. I’m sure there are men in lumber that have given her nice pieces of oak.
Sten. What? Really?
Finn. I don’t know.
Sten. She would like a jazz vinyl record.
Finn. Really? She likes jazz?
Sten. Yeah, I remember how she explained a Thelonious Monk piece to me, and that you can only listen to jazz on a record player.
Finn. Sounds like a purist.
Sten. You don’t happen to have her number do you?
Finn. I think I do. It’s back at home though. Give me a call, and I’ll give it to you.
Sten. Thanks. It’s been a while since I last talked to her. I think it’ll be nice to talk to her again.
Finn. Yeah.
End. Sten Likes Karin

Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What’s it like having no friends?
Palle. At first it’s hard, but you get used to it. The reason why I have no friends is not because I am a unsocial person. You know me, I’m quite social. It just doesn’t seem natural right now.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What do you mean?
Palle. I feel like if I say something it’ll only be for the sake of gaining attention from others.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. What’s wrong with that?
Palle. It’s the verbal equivalent of coloring my hair green. I catch myself whenever I talk. I might as well be saying, “look at me, I’m special.”
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So you don’t want people to know who you are?
Palle. No, I do, but not in a manner where I’m forcing them to get to know me. I find myself doing this. I tell them really menial things about myself like, I like gum or I’m allergic to cats.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Nothing’s wrong with that. I really don’t understand what the problem is.
Palle. I’m kind of doing it now. I’m making something that should not be a big deal into a drama. I really want to stop this.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So you tend to dramatize your life?
Palle. I guess I do it to make me feel like my life has some sort of worth.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. So if you don’t dramatize your life, you feel as though your life is worthless?
Palle. Yeah, I think so. It’s so ingrained into my life that I can barely recognize it.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Let’s get back to having no friends.
Palle. Oh, right. So I guess I don’t want to have friends who will be friends with me because of what I say, rather what I do.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Isn’t that idealizing friendship to an unrealistic level?
Palle. And that too dramatizes my life. I just want things to be simple.
Dr. Bertram Casper Tarp. Then, I think you should not worry about the process of making friends.
Palle. I guess I can’t help myself. Drama; that’s what I subconsciously want.
End. Subconscious Drama

Ingrid. This weather is not agreeing with me.
Bente. Really? I kind of like it. It’s nice and depressing.
Ingrid. That’s not a good thing. It’s really bringing me down. I don’t feel like doing anything.
Bente. Didn’t you go to classes?
Ingrid. I had an exam today, but I didn’t go to it.
Bente. What? What are you going to do?
Ingrid. I don’t know. I hate this weather.
Bente. What class was it for?
Ingrid. One of my Chemistry classes. It’s for my major.
Bente. Do you think the Professor’s going to let you take it at another time?
Ingrid. I don’t know. I just want to get out of here.
Bente. But what about the exam? Aren’t you going to fail that class?
Ingrid. Yeah, I guess so. I should go somewhere where it’s warm and sunny, like California.
Bente. I’ve never been to California before.
Ingrid. Do you want to go?
Bente. What? When?
Ingrid. This week?
Bente. I don’t know. I’m not having thoughts of escape right now. I’m actually doing fine. I don’t need to escape this place anymore.
Ingrid. I do. I’ve got to get out of here. Do you want to come with me?
Bente. I don’t know. If you asked me a month earlier, I would have gone, but now ... Ingrid. I mean, I’m going through this weather, and I’m loving it. The rain, the grey sky, the cold. I’m preferring this to clear weather and sunshine.
Ingrid. Why? I hate it. It takes all of my energy right out of me.
Bente. I don’t know. I’m more real in this weather. I can think straight. On nice days, I just want to do nothing.
Ingrid. Okay, you’re weird.
Bente. Smell that cold. Don’t you feel more alive? It’s like a mint.
Ingrid. Remind me never to marry you.
Bente. I’ll take you off my list.
End. Weather Result

Anke. How was your day?
Holst. I met a bird today.
Anke. Really?
Holst. It was the size of a baseball. I was on my way to return some library books and this bird chirped while it was skittering away from me. It went, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. What kind of bird was it?
Holst. I don’t know really. As I got closer to it, the bird skittered faster going from one side of the sidewalk to the other. I walked faster, you know, to make it fly, but it wouldn’t. He would continue to skitter along in a zigzag, chirping, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. What color was it?
Holst. I don’t remember, I just remember it’s tail when it finally decided to fly. It had a white base that faded into a brownish grey feathers. But then the bird landed only a few meters away in front of me chirping, “pyowb, pyowb.”
Anke. Sounds like it was mocking you.
Holst. I wanted to kick a stone at it.
End. Pyowb Pyowb

*door rings*
Annette. Can you get that? That’s probably Dad.
Yor. Sure.
*Yor opens door*
Yor. Hello Mr. Tavers. It good to see you again. How was the drive?
Mr. Tavers. Hello.
Yor. Please come in. Annette is in the living room, watching television.
Annette. Daddy! Come sit by me.
Mr. Tavers. Hey girl, what are you watching?
Annette. Some documentary on hippopotamuses. It’s really interesting. This one herd of hippos sustains the lives of the other animals living in the watering hole. It’s like everything is centered around them.
Mr. Tavers. How are you feeling? How’s the baby doing?
Annette. I don’t think he wants to come out anymore. It’s like he’s trying to climb up rather than down.
Mr. Tavers. You’ll be fine. I’m going to take care of you.
Yor. Annette? Mr. Tavers? Would you like anything to drink? Water? Tea?
Annette. I’ll have a glass of orange juice. Do you want anything Daddy?
Mr. Tavers. No, I’m fine.
Annette. Thanks for coming, Daddy. You didn’t have to.
Mr. Tavers. Well, I know the baby’s due at any moment, so I wanted to be here for you.
Annette. Thanks, Daddy. Look, one of the mother hippos gave birth to a baby.
Mr. Tavers. You’re not tired or anything are you?
Annette. No, I’m fine.
Yor. Here’s your juice. Are you sure you don’t want anything, Mr. Tavers?
Annette. Yeah, have something, Daddy. Yor can make you a sandwich or something.
Mr. Tavers. No thanks. So, have you prepared everything for the baby? Have you bought a crib, clothing?
Annette. Of course we have. We have everything all taken care of.
Mr. Tavers. How are you going to support the child?
Annette. What do you mean?
Mr. Tavers. You have to stay home and take care of the child.
Annette. Right?
Mr. Tavers. Then where are you going to get the money to support the baby?
Annette. What do you mean? Yor has a job.
Mr. Tavers. As what?
Annette. I told you already. He’s working at the auto parts store.
Mr. Tavers. That’s not a job. How are you going to live on that salary?
Yor. That job is only temporary, Mr. Tavers. Once I finish my degree, I’ll be able to find a better job. I have one more semester left.
Mr. Tavers. What college do you go to?
Yor. I’m attending the community college.
Mr. Tavers. You think you can find a better job with a degree from a community college? Community college is for the Army to recruit from.
Annette. Dad!
Mr. Tavers. Tell me, Yor. How old are you?
Yor. Twenty eight.
Mr. Tavers. Your twenty eight, and you’re still in college? What’s wrong with you? I cannot believe my daughter married someone like you.
Annette. Dad, you going to have to leave now.
Mr. Tavers. What? If anything you should be coming with me.
Annette. No. I’m staying here, with Yor. Please, Dad. You need to think about the things you’ve said.
Mr. Tavers. But, Annie.
Annette. No, you have to have more faith in us. It does not help if you just criticize Yor like that. He’s my husband, Dad. I have faith in him. How does it help if you criticize like that? Please, you need to leave now.
Mr. Tavers. I just want you to have a better life.
Annette. Please, Dad. Just go.
Mr. Tavers. If you need me, just give me a call.
*Mr. Tavers leaves*
Yor. I’m sorry, Annette.
Annette. Come here. Let’s watch the hippos.
End. Watching the Hippos

Helma. I had a strange day today.
Joss. Really?
Helma. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I’m still confused.
Joss. What happened?
Helma. I was eating lunch outside of this café.
Joss. Sounds normal enough, what did you have?
Helma. French bread and butter.
Joss. For lunch? That’s kind of strange.
Helma. Oh, but this French bread was fresh and steaming. I had nothing like it.
Joss. Interesting, but that was not the strange thing. So what happened?
Helma. This man came and sat at a chair by my table.
Joss. Really? He didn’t ask or anything?
Helma. No, he just sat down while I ate my bread. At first I thought maybe there weren’t anymore seats to take, but I looked around and there were like three tables open.
Joss. Weren’t you nervous?
Helma. Kind of, but I just stayed there, spreading butter on slices of French bread and eating them. I was actually prepared to have a conversation with him. You know, maybe he wanted to talk, but he didn’t. Well, not exactly.
Joss. What do you mean?
Helma. He did talk, but it was not to me.
Joss. He was talking to himself then?
Helma. I guess so. At first he looked at the black board with the specials written on it through the café’s window, then he mumbled something about it and laughed.
Joss. Something on the black board made him laugh?
Helma. I don’t know maybe, but most of his mumbling had this sarcastic edge to it. I felt like sarcastically mumbling in response.
Joss. Did you?
Helma. No, I’m not crazy.
Joss. Yes, that’s true.
Helma. Anyway, the guy kept on mumbling until I could finally make out what I think he said, “Paul Simon.”
Joss. Paul Simon?
Helma. At this point he looked up and our eyes met. I think he asked me, “Do you know Paul Simon?”
Joss. What did you say?
Helma. I didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head that I did. Then he went back into his mumbling. I think I could make out lyrics from one of his songs.
Joss. Which one? “I am a Rock?”
Helma. Yeah, that would make sense wouldn’t it? But I think I heard lyrics from “You Can Call Me Al.”
Joss. Maybe his name is Al.
Helma. I don’t know. Maybe his name was Paul Simon.
Joss. Did he look like Paul Simon?
Helma. No, this guy looked like Dennis Hopper, but much older.
Joss. Okay?
Helma. So, I thought he was a homeless guy, right? But then he pulls out this clear plastic container of fruit and starts to eat it.
Joss. Really? What kind of fruit?
Helma. They were cut strawberries, cantaloupe, melon, apples maybe, but get this it also had Kiwi.
Joss. Really? Kiwi? Kiwi’s expensive.
Helma. Yeah I know. I even looked at the price tag on the container. The fruit cost three dollars and eighty-six cents.
Joss. Do crazy people prefer kiwi?
Helma. I don’t know, but he finished the kiwi first before the other fruit. He never finished the fruit at the table. He closed the container and put it back in his brown paper bag and kept repeating, “amazing, amazing.” Then he got up and left. I watched him walk down the sidewalk until I couldn’t distinguish him from the crowds of people walking along side of him.
Joss. “Amazing?” So he must have enjoyed the kiwi.
Helma. I don’t know. The tone of his voice was sarcastic. I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the fruit or me.
Joss. You? You think he thought you were amazing?
Helma. No no, the way he said, “amazing” made me think that he was sarcastically amazed at the way I ignored him.
Joss. What do you mean?
Helma. I mean. I didn’t talk to him. There he was and I didn’t make an effort to talk to him. Maybe that’s why he sat down at my table. Just to talk.
Joss. But you were nervous, and a little confused.
Helma. I wanted to talk to him, but yeah I guess I was a little confused.
Joss. What would you have said?
Helma. I don’t know. How was the Kiwi? Have you seen the Graduate? Do you like Chevy Chase? I should have talked to him.
End. Kiwi Preference

Senna. Hey, I was in Bryant Park the other day and it reminded me of you.
Tol. Really? I didn't know I exuded what parks exude, but I guess it's a good thing since people visit them and stuff.
Senna. No no, it was all the chairs they had there.
Tol. So I remind you of chairs? I guess I am stackable. I admit it. I'm not ashamed.
Senna. No no, you see there are all these lawn chairs and tables at this park. People can move them anywhere they want. And this is when I thought about you. You could actually steal the chairs out of Bryant Park.
Tol. What? Why?
Senna. Cause you like to steal things.
Tol. But stealing public trusted items is wrong. It's against my beliefs.
Senna. Why? I thought stealing was stealing.
Tol. Stealing public trusted items is like shooting a cop. You just don't do it. Those chairs are protected just like police men and medics during war. Only cowards and people with no moral standards would steal those chairs. Those people are desparate, lazy, and have no imagination. I want nothing to do with them. If you're going to steal something it has to be something that people try to insure that it doesn't get stolen, like museum art pieces or bars of gold, or items that people do not expect you to steal, like pool tables or a slot machine. Those chairs are different because whoever decided to let the public do whatever they want with those chairs realize that they could easily be stolen, but they have entrusted in each and everyone of us not to steal it.
Senna. I can understand art pieces and bars of gold, but what about pool tables? Aren't they a public item like the chairs?
Tol. The difference is the level of difficulty to steal a pool table from a pool hall. You can simply walk out of the park with a chair - done, whatever, but with a pool table, you need man power, tools, and a car. Plus the owner of the pool hall doesn't even consider his pool tables to be stolen. They're more concerned about arson, or drunken brawls. It's the same with slot machines. Who would think of stealing a slot machine, but when done, it's a major accomplishment. You've got to deal with cameras everywhere and tight casino security let alone it's out in the open.
Senna. Um ... Tol? I have to tell you something. I hope you don't hate me.
Tol. What? No, you didn't.
Senna. Yes. I stole some chairs.
Tol. Some? You stole more than one?
Senna. Yes.
Tol. How many did you steal? Three? Five?
Senna. Forty Two.
Tol. Forty Two? How? Why?
Senna. It was going to be for your birthday, since you're turning forty two and all. I thought it would have been perfect. I couldn't help bringing it up. Do you hate me?
Tol. Forty Two? How did you do that?
Senna. I took one chair per day until I got forty two.
Tol. No one saw you?
Senna. I made sure no one saw me, and folded a chair into a portfolio carrier. I would hang a camera around my neck and pretend to take photos, but I was just seeing if I was in the clear or not. Do you hate me? I feel awful.
Tol. Didn't it make a bulge?
Senna. I made a hard plastic lining so that it would not bulge and I also worked out for two months so that I could easily carry a chair with one arm. I thought for sure you would appreciate it. Are you mad?
Tol. That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Senna. Really?
Tol. Yes. Where are they?
Senna. In storage. You're not mad?
Tol. Can I see them?
Senna. No.
Tol. Please?
Senna. It's not your birthday.
End. Public Trusted Items

Vesa. Are you doing okay?
Benner. I don't know. All of the sudden, I feel like I just noticed the grey filling the sky.
Vesa. Do you know why?
Benner. It could be a lot of reasons, but I can't pin point anything. I can't even think of anything that will make me happy. It's like I don't care anymore. I'm outside watching myself walking these streets as a zombie.
Vesa. I guess we're all zombies in a way.
Benner. That's the thing. Zombies don't realize they're zombies, so they don't have the desire to not want to be a zombie. I'm suffering from the initial stages of becoming a zombie. I've finally realized my metamorphosis.
Vesa. But isn't it a good thing that you don't want to be a zombie? Now you can make the effort to not become a zombie.
Benner. I feel like I can do nothing to reverse the process. Soon, I'll be a unconscious zombie. Oh well. Um, what's going on? Why is this taxi going? We've got "walk." That sign says "walk" doesn't it? I'm not going crazy, am I? None of the other cars are going ...
Vesa. Don't you hear the ambulance? The taxi's just getting out of the way.
End. Zombie Metamorphosis

Kathe. I had a baby grand piano moved into my apartment yesterday.
Gerrit. Are you serious? A piano can fit into your apartment?
Kathe. Yeah, I think I could fit three pianos into my apartment, but that is if I took everything else out of it.
Gerrit. So this piano takes up a third of your apartment?
Kathe. Yeah, you could say that.
Gerrit. How did you get it up there?
Kathe. I hired piano movers.
Gerrit. Really? They have special movers to move pianos?
Kathe. Yeah, I guess so. It was interesting to watch them take the piano apart and slide it up the stairs. Occasionally, all the hammers of the piano would hit their strings to create this brooming low echoing through the hallways. The movers would wait till the ringing ceased, then they would start again.
Gerrit. Who knew moving pianos would be so elegant?
Kathe. It is an elegant instrument, though a big elegant instrument.
Gerrit. That takes up a third of your room.
Kathe. I think I'll sleep under my piano tonight.
End. This Brooming Low

Marek. See that? What is that guy doing?
Hedda. I have no idea.
Marek. Look at the way he’s spinning. Is he dancing?
Hedda. I don’t know. There’s no music and there doesn’t seem to be any rhythm to his movements.
Marek. He’s like the dancing equivalent of pi.
Hedda. I’ve always hated math.
Marek. I think he’s looking at you.
Hedda. Hey, pi guy. I hate math. You got that?
Marek. You're making her relive her days in school. She doesn’t need that.
Hedda. Hey, do you know who Janus bumped into the other day?
Marek. Who?
Hedda. Mr. Oldham.
Marek. Mr. Oldham ... I haven’t heard that name in years. Mr. Oldham ... That was middle school wasn’t it? I thought he’d be dead by now.
Hedda. Nah, he’s still alive, but did you hear about him?
Marek. No, what?
Hedda. Janus bumped into him at Five’s Buffet. Mr. Oldham recognized him. Can you believe that?
Marek. I wonder if he would remember me.
Hedda. I don’t know. Anyways, Mr. Oldham talked about his stabbing for about forty-five minutes.
Marek. What? He was stabbed?
Hedda. Yeah a group of people broke into his house in the middle of the night and stabbed him and his wife.
Marek. Who would stab old people like that?
Hedda. They found out that they did it to get money for diapers.
Marek. You’ve got to be kidding me.
Hedda. So, then Mr. Oldham explains that when he and his wife went to the emergency room, the doctors found a clot in his neck, and would have never found it if he didn’t go to the hospital.
Marek. If he wasn’t stabbed he would have died of a stroke.
Hedda. No, a stroke is when you have a clot in the brain. I think it would have been an embolism.
Marek. Gee. So it was a good thing that he got stabbed?
Hedda. Yeah, weird, isn’t it? Mr. Oldham told Janus it was God’s way of giving him another chance.
Marek. It’s something to think about, but I can’t with pi guy wailing his limbs back and forth.
Hedda. Doesn’t he seem closer than he was a moment ago?
Marek. Yeah, he does.
Hedda. What is he doing?
*pi guy lunges for two’s purse and runs away with it*
Marek. I’ll get him.
*Marek chases after pi guy and returns with the purse*
Hedda. Thank you so much. I can’t believe that guy. Did you have any trouble.
Marek. No not really. He was slow. You’d think he’d be fast, the way he moved.
Hedda. How did you get the purse back?
Marek. I tackled him, then he dropped the purse and ran.
Hedda. Geeze, thanks. You could have been hurt.
Marek. Yeah, he could have flung his arm at my eye or something.
Hedda. Let me buy you a drink. What do you want?
Marek. Lemonade would be nice.
Hedda. I wonder why he tried to take my purse.
Marek. Maybe he wanted to buy diapers for his kid.
Hedda. Pi guy has a kid?
End. Stabbing and Wailing Limbs

Calder. I’ve decided that I will no longer say, “cool” anymore.
Kenza. Why is that?
Calder. It’s a mindless response to anything you say. You say, “I oiled my car today,” and I would respond, “that’s cool.” I’m sick of it.
Kenza. What are you going to say instead?
Calder. Well, it depends on what you say.
Kenza. Like what?
Calder. I don’t know. Say something.
Kenza. Um, the time is eight minutes after twelve.
Calder. Do you have anything to do?
Kenza. Why?
Calder. Because you’re concerned with the time. Maybe you have something to do.
Kenza. No, I don’t. Do you have something to do?
Calder. Well, no. I thought we were going to watch the matinee.
Kenza. I thought so too.
Calder. Okay, what just happened?
Kenza. I don’t know. Are we going to watch a movie?
Calder. Yes.
Kenza. What do you want to watch?
Calder. Not the one with Harrison Ford.
Kenza. Why not?
Calder. I really don’t like him. He one of the most overrated actors out there.
Kenza. I think Dustin Hoffman’s overrated.
Calder. Oh, but I love the Graduate.
Kenza. I never understood why Mrs. Robinson despised Dustin Hoffman so much.
Calder. I think it’s because she hates her life and incorporated Dustin Hoffman’s character with that self hatred. He was a part of her self-destruction. Together they had nothing else, but each other.
Kenza. So she could not allow his opportunity to be happy with her daughter?
Calder. I think so.
Kenza. That’s sad. Poor Mrs. Robinson. Is it possible for her to be happy?
Calder. I don’t know.
Kenza. Is there a Dustin Hoffman movie out now? I kind of feel like watching him.
Calder. We could rent The Graduate.
Kenza. How about Kramer Vs. Kramer?
Calder. Deal.
End. Dustin is Cool

Tuula. Excuse me?
Kenneth. Yes?
Tuula. I don’t know who you are. Why are you following me?
Kenneth. I’m sorry?
Tuula. Will you please stop following me?
Kenneth. Uh, well ... I’m sorry if you think that, but I’m not following you. At least I don’t think I am. Maybe I’m doing it subconsciously. You know, subconsciously I want to follow you, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m walking back home with a bag of groceries.
Tuula. Can you at least wait here for a couple of minutes so I can make some space in between us?
Kenneth. Do you have a piece of chalk? I can play tic tac toe with the next woman who comes by.
Tuula. Please, just wait here for like five minutes.
Kenneth. I feel like I’m giving you a head start.
Tuula. Oh my gosh, will you please leave me alone?
Kenneth. Okay, okay, I’m sorry, go. Get away from me. Go, be free.
Tuula. You’re one sick guy, you know that? You need help. Help! Someone help me!
Kenneth. Why, please did I buy butter?
Tuula. Someone one help me!
Kenneth. Okay, it was nice to meet you. Good luck, I hope you get that job.
Clint. What’s wrong, maam?
Tuula. That man, he’s following me.
Clint. Which one?
Tuula. That one.
Clint. Hey, bud.
Kenneth. Oh, um yes?
Clint. Kenneth? Hey hey, Kenneth. I didn’t recognize you.
Kenneth. Yeah, hey Clint.
Clint. So, why are you following this lady?
Kenneth. I’m not really sure. Have you seen her shoes?
Clint. Heh, they’re pretty nice.
Tuula. Stop looking at my feet!
End. Melting Butter

Rasman. I have to stop traveling.
Lucio. Why is that?
Rasman. You know you fly too much when the same movie plays on all your flights.
Lucio. But can you really stop traveling? Settle down?
Rasman. I’d like to think I can try, but the thing is I don’t know when to stop.
Lucio. I think you’re avoiding the reality of life.
Rasman. I never said I wasn’t a coward.
Lucio. You should settle down.
Rasman. What does that mean? Settle down?
Lucio. You know, working for more than a year at a time, get married, have children, worry about them.
Rasman. Sounds great, can I make them mow the lawn too?
Lucio. Don’t you want to stop?
Rasman. I guess I do, but the question is where.
Lucio. Where do you want to stop?
Rasman. I’ll let you know when I get there.
Captain Enzo D’Alo. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am Captain Enzo D’Alo. and thank you ... for flying Singapore Airlines on route from Inchon to ... San Francisco. First, we will be flying ... east, past the eastern coast of ... the Korean peninsula until we fly over the ... western coast of Japan when we will continue to fly past the ... eastern coast of Japan towards the Aleutian Islands when we will fly ... directly into San Francisco. We are currently flying at an altitude of ... 25,000 feet and as we use fuel, the belly of the plane will become ... lighter so we will be able to cruise at a comfortable altitude of 40,000 feet. I will leave you now, but I will return to you soon. Enjoy your flight and thank you for choosing Singapore Airlines.
Lucio. What movie are they showing?
Rasman. The Truman Show.
Lucio. I’ve seen that, it’s not so bad.
Rasman. It is after the fifth time. What happens when Jim Carey escapes? That’s what I want to know.
End. Flying Again

Raimo. I met one of my neighbors the other day. She kind of reminded me of you.
Marja. Really? How so?
Raimo. You both have the same nose.
Marja. What’s wrong with my nose?
Raimo. Nothing. You just have the same nose, that’s all.
Marja. So you talked to her because she had the same nose as me?
Raimo. What a pick up line, “Why hello. You have the same nose as a friend of mine, would you like to have dinner with me?”
Marja. Did you want to have dinner with her?
Raimo. If only she had your ears.
Marja. Stop it. So you didn’t ask her out?
Raimo. No, what? Am I supposed to ask out every girl I meet to dinner?
Marja. Sure, why not?
Raimo. I’m no dinner hussy. I’m not about to have dinner with a virtual stranger.
Marja. Then how are you supposed to get to know her?
Raimo. I’m not supposed to. We’re just neighbors.
Marja. That’s kind of sad. How do you know that she isn’t the right one for you?
Raimo. Are you serious? I’ve met her for only twenty minutes.
Marja. What did you talk about?
Raimo. About her nose.
Marja. What? Really?
Raimo. She caught me staring at her nose. I was trying to figure out why her nose was so much like yours.
Marja. So you were like, “Excuse me for staring, but you nose reminds me so much like my friend’s nose?”
Raimo. She thought I was just staring. Well, I had to explain it was just her nose.
Marja. Did she spray you with pepper spray?
Raimo. No, she did not.
Marja. Wait, all you talked about were our noses?
Raimo. That and burning trash.
Marja. You’re such a flirt.
Raimo. You know it.
End. Noses and Burning Trash

Lia. Do you know what ever happened to Janne?
Henrik. I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her in years.
Lia. It’s like she disappeared.
Henrik. I’m sure she’s around, but I just don’t know where.
Lia. What happened?
Henrik. It’s interesting. It’s hard to keep in touch with her when she’s not in the same general vicinity. She doesn’t return calls or reply to mail. She only communicates with the people in physical proximity to her, but when you get her attention, you have all of it.
Lia. I guess it’s all or nothing with her.
Henrik. Yeah, it’s fair.
Lia. When was the last time you saw her?
Henrik. I actually bumped into her at a subway station two years ago. She was going uptown and I was going downtown. I couldn’t believe it. We exchanged numbers and left each other there, but when I tried calling her, I got someone else.
Lia. Really? She gave you the wrong number?
Henrik. Yeah. I think so.
Lia. Did you try looking her up in the phone book?
Henrik. She’s not listed. I know it’s not the case, but I occasionally feel like she gave me the wrong number on purpose.
Lia. Nah, that can’t be.
Henrik. I guess I can’t help trying to explain why we haven’t kept in touch.
Lia. Maybe you’ll bump into her again.
Henrik. Perhaps.
End. Inadvertent Signals

Hilde. When did you get this TV?
Arve. Oh, sometime last month.
Hilde. I looks so old, where did you get it from?
Arve. It’s kind of strange. Two Fijian friends found it on the side of the road and brought it in for me.
Hilde. Really? Does it work?
Arve. Sure. It’s not the nicest TV, but it’s a TV.
Hilde. Look at the wooden paneling. It’s like a piece of furniture.
Arve. It swivels on it’s base too.
Hilde. Does it have a remote?
Arve. No, but I can just connect the VCR into it and change channels with the VCR remote.
Hilde. You just need to turn it on from here?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Can I turn it on?
Arve. Sure, but there’s a trick to it.
Hilde. Really?
Arve. When you turn it on, you need to press A-one, A-two, then A-three.
Hilde. What?
Arve. It doesn’t work normally if you don’t do that.
Hilde. What is A?
Arve. I think it’s auxiliary. Try it.
Hilde. Okay ... A-one, A-two, A-three ... That’s so strange. How did you figure that out?
Arve. Well, at first it didn’t work so I looked in the back and saw RCA jacks labeled aux one and aux two, so I thought by pressing those keys, it would do something.
Hilde. So you have to press A-one, A-two, A-three all the time to turn on the TV?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Why don’t you buy a new TV?
Arve. I never wanted one.
Hilde. But you have this one.
Arve. It was a gift, and plus, it has character. It’s like someone giving me an old Cadillac. How can I refuse?
Hilde. It’s from the side of the street.
Arve. And now it has a place where it will be loved.
Hilde. What is this, wood polish?
Arve. Yes.
End. Television From the Streets

Chiara. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m such a klutz sometimes.

Omero. Here, you dropped your bag. What is this ... ? A brownie?

Chiara. Yes, but this brownie has a layer of mint inside.

Omero. Really? It looks rich.

Chiara. It is ... Would you like to try some?

Omero. Um, well sure. If you don’t mind.

Chiara. No ... Here. Let me give you a piece.

Omero. Oh ... well, my hands are all greasy from the hoagie I had. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the taste with the oil.

Chiara. Oh, here ... I'll feed it to you.

Omero. Um. Okay?

...

Chiara. What do you think ... ?

Omero. I’m sorry, I got some of your finger, but it’s quite good.

Chiara. Oh, that's all right. *licks fingers* My name is Chiara.

Omero. I’m Omero, it’s nice to meet you. I would shake your hand, but you know. My hands.

Chiara. Would you like another piece?

End. Flirting With Brownies

Aldo. I always forget where to sit without the sun getting in your eyes.
Ida. I guess it would be closest to the windows so the light would pass over us.
Aldo. I don’t know, I like to sit near the middle or on the opposite side of the windows. It seems darker closer to the windows.
Ida. Well, I can’t sit here for much longer. Can you pull the shades down?
Aldo. You know, I’ve never operated the shades before.
Ida. Really? Why not?
Aldo. I don’t know. I just waited until someone else did it.
Ida. Well, it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to do it.
Aldo. There’s a lot of tourists here, they probably don’t know about the switch.
Ida. Well, now’s your chance to pull the shades down.
Aldo. I know, but who am I to pull the shades down for everyone in the room? If there was an individual switch to pull only our shade down, then I would have no problems. Flipping the switch means I’ll be pulling the shade down for everyone. I don’t feel I have the authority to tell everyone that I will be controlling the amount of sun coming into the periodical room. Maybe some tourist is enjoying the sun on their face and it being energized by it’s light.
Ida. What are they, solar powered plants? I’m sweating here.
Aldo. Then why don’t you do it?
Ida. Because of that authority thing you said.
Aldo. All right. This is my room. I will dictate the amount of sun that enters this room.
Ida. While you’re up, can you get me a drink?
Aldo. What do you want?
Ida. A raspberry iced tea. You get diet, I kill you.
End. Dictator

Ugo. Sometimes I have trouble controlling myself.
Erol. I think we all have that problem.
Ugo. Maybe you’re right, but I want to do something about it.
Erol. What happens when you go out of control?
Ugo. I lose myself. I start thinking of ways to be violent, and push to make it a reality.
Erol. Really? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you violent.
Ugo. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get better.
Erol. What do you think you need to do first?
Ugo. I need to know what triggers my violent tendencies.
Erol. What would trigger you?
Ugo. Things that don’t come to my expectations.
Erol. That’s kind of general. When was the last time you were violent?
Ugo. Yesterday. I was trying to sleep, but these kids were throwing a tennis ball against my house. When I came out, I told them to stop, but they said it was a part of their game. I went back into my house to get my tennis racquet. When I came back out, I found them throwing the ball against my house again. I chased one of the kids with the ball and took the ball out of his hands. I told them that this was also a part of the game, and served the ball down the hill.
Erol. Did you hurt the child?
Ugo.
Erol. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ...
Ugo. I did not hurt the kid, but I made them cry.
Erol. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help.
Ugo. I don’t hit kids. I’m not like that.
Erol. I know. It’s just that, I mean you wanted to stop being violent, so I thought maybe by accident...
Ugo. Look, if I hit a kid, I would have told you.
Erol. You’re right, I’m sorry. I really am.
Ugo. Do you have some matches?
Erol. No. I didn’t know you smoked.
Ugo. I don’t. I’m going to burn this diner down.
End. Snap

Brigid. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Pearce. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
Brigid. Tired?
Pearce. I’m hallucinating, Brigid.
Brigid. Really? What are you hallucinating?
Pearce. The tail lights of cars are becoming Diane Keaton’s hair. Headlights are becoming the side of Mariel Hemmingway’s face. How much longer do we have?
Brigid. What? We’re almost there, Pearce. One more hour. Do you think you can hang on?
Pearce. I can’t feel my leg anymore. This truck is driving by it’s self.
Brigid. You’re doing great.
Pearce. I can’t believe you can’t drive.
Brigid. I’m from New York. I don’t need to drive.
Pearce. I’m from Philadelphia, we believe in God.
Brigid. What?
Pearce. Corn beef should not be blue.
Brigid. What are you talking about?
Pearce. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. I understand. I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone. Very authoritative, you know. Like the Pope, or the computer in “2001”.
Brigid. Stop the truck, Pearce.
Pearce. Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um...Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh...Like what... okay...um...For me, uh... ooh... I would say ... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh...um... and Wilie Mays... and um ... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony ... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues ... um ... Swedish movies, naturally ... Sentimental Education by Flaubert ... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra ... um ... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh...the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh...
End. Quoting “Manhattan”

Boy. Pow pow, you're dead. I shot you with the last two bullets I was able to
afford. Now I have no money, but that's fine by me. When I lie here, hungry
and cold, I'll still be laughing and remembering this day. No one will
understand; think I'm some sort of crazy. I'm not. I have a good grasp on
reality, except for the fact I'm talking to a dead person. Whoops, there's
the police. I should go. Stay where you are. Tell them everything about me.
Remember the time when you found me in Acapulco? That shocked me. I didn't
know that anyone knew where I was. You shouldn't have called my name. Ah
well, No more reminiscing. It's was nice, but it's time to go. Don't worry.
You look fine.
End. Two Bullets

Dr. Meera Cartin. Come over here. Are you okay?
Josie Cartin. I’m okay.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He didn’t hurt you, or anything, did he?
Josie Cartin. No, but he threw orange juice against his refrigerator.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Was he throwing it at you?
Josie Cartin. No, just against the refrigerator. I think he was mad that I didn’t trust him.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why? What did he say to you?
Josie Cartin. I don’t know. I told him that I didn’t want to drink the juice because I thought he poisoned it.
Dr. Meera Cartin. That’s when he threw the juice?
Josie Cartin. Yes. He poured another glass of juice and drank it himself to prove it was not poisoned.
Dr. Meera Cartin. So, he wasn’t trying to poison you?
Josie Cartin. No, I guess not.
Dr. Meera Cartin. It’s okay to cry. It’s all over now.
Josie Cartin. Mom, I’m sorry.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about.
Josie Cartin. I didn’t think you were going to come.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I’m here, honey. It’s going to be okay.
Josie Cartin. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mommy. I didn’t think you were going to come cause I didn’t think you loved me...
Dr. Meera Cartin. Of course I love you...
I thought you hated me, but he told me you were going to, that you were going to come. He was right. I don’t understand why he kidnapped me. Why did he do it? You knew him, didn’t you? He said he was one of your patients.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He was. Life overwhelmed him, and this is how he reacted to it.
Josie Cartin. He was a nice man, Mommy.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I know. No one knows how nice he is.
End. Trust Me

Pat. What is that racket outside? Are the planes overhead bombing us?
Rainer. Two police cars just went by, Pat.
Pat. Yeah? Don’t they know I’ve got a business to run here? What’s a matter with them? They’re scaring away my customers. What’ll you have?
Customer One. Yeah, give me a cheese steak.
Pat. What kind of cheese?
Customer One. Cheese Whiz.
Pat. Onions?
Customer One. Yeah.
Pat. Here you go. Five, twenty-nine.
Rainer. Hey Pat, you got to look at this. They’re stopping at Geno’s.
Pat. Geno’s? What’s going on over there? I’ve got my hands busy with customers, Rainer. What’ll you have?
Customer Two. Provolone steak with mushrooms, no onions.
Pat. You got it. That’s going to be Five, eighty-three.
Rainer. I can’t see what going on from here, Pat, but three more police cars are there.
Pat. Here’s your mushroom steak. Three more? People are trying to steal from Geno’s. Hey, Fini.
Fini. Yeah?
Pat. Go over to Geno’s and see what’s going on over there. What’ll you have?
Customer Three. Whiz Steak with onions. You know what’s going on at Geno’s?
Pat. I don’t know. I’ve got someone going over there to find out. It’ll be five, twenty-nine for the steak.
Customer Three. I hope Geno’s okay.
Pat. I hope so too. Here’s your steak and your change.
Fini. Hey, Pat.
Pat. So, what happened over there?
Fini. Some drunk guy was yelling at the customers over there.
Pat. So they needed five cop cars to go over there?
Fini. It’s Geno’s, Pat.
Pat. Yeah, there better be five cop cars coming to me when something goes down here.
Fini. You know they would.
Pat. Hey, What’ll you have?
End. Onions?

Rolfe. Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. I’ve turned into a girl.
Rolfe. I don’t understand.
Wallis. I don’t either.
Rolfe. Where did you get that dress?
Wallis. I don’t know. I woke up with it on. I can adjust the length of the dress by adjusting the buttons on the side of it. See? I can make it much shorter.
Rolfe. Stop it. Why are you doing that?
Wallis. I don’t know. Because I can? I’m so confused. This isn’t possible.
Rolfe. You should go to the hospital.
Wallis. I know. I should, but I don’t think there’s anything doctors can really do.
Torren. Hey Wallis, why are you wearing a dress?
Wallis. Because I’ve turned into a girl?
Torren. Guh, I’m so sorry.
Wallis. Being a girl is not a bad thing. It’s not an illness. I’m just a girl now.
Torren. But you seem the same.
Wallis. Yeah, I know. I feel the same. I’ve only changed physically.
Arne. What the? Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. Stop it. I am not sick!
End. Tolerably Well

Nia. Hey, are you okay? What happened in there?
Sebastian. I don’t know really. Were you waiting long?
Nia. No, not really. I tried calling your cell but I guess you can’t get service in the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, it didn’t work. You ready to go?
Nia. I know this great place to eat. Are you hungry?
Sebastian. Yes I am. Let’s go.
Nia. So what happened? Was there something wrong with the elevator?
Sebastian. It was really strange. This guy gets into the elevator, and you can tell something’s wrong with this guy, by his walk, by his posture, this man’s face was drenched with sweat...
Renz. Nia? Hey.
Nia. Oh hey, how are you?
Renz. I’m good. You know, I just started dancing lessons.
Nia. Really? What kind of dance?
Renz. Swing.
Nia. Wow, we have to swing sometime.
Renz. Definitely.
Nia. Oh, Renz, this is Sebastian, we’re about to have lunch. Sebastian, this is Renz. Renz works for an insurance company, and Sebastian here is in international trade.
Renz. Hello.
Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
Renz. Well, I’ve already had lunch, so I’m off to the lab to develop photos for the job. Enjoy lunch. It’s good to see you, Nia.
Nia. Bye. Call me about the dancing.
Renz. I will. See ya.
Nia. I’m sorry ... so the man, all drenched with sweat is in the elevator.
Sebastian. Oh, yeah. So this man shuffles into the elevator, goes to pick a floor, and touches the lobby button repeatedly, but slowly. By then, he also has his forehead pressed against some of the top floor buttons, lighting them up, and sweat is dripping down his check down to the floor.
Nia. What was wrong with him?
Sebastian. I actually asked him ... oh, do you know that guy over there? He’s waving to you.
Nia. Oh yeah, that’s Antonio. We’re only acquaintances. We met at Penn Station a couple of months ago. Hi, Antonio, remember me?
Antonio. Of course I remember you. Did you get to Chicago in time?
Nia. I was a couple of hours late because of the delay. Thanks for keeping me company that day.
Antonio. You’re welcome.
Nia. Antonio, this is Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Antonio.
Sebastian. Antonio, hello.
Antonio. Hello. I can’t believe that we’ve bumped into each other here.
Nia. Yeah, it’s kind of funny.
Antonio. Do you still have my card?
Nia. I think so, yes.
Antonio. Give me a call sometime.
Nia. Okay, I will.
Antonio. It’s really good to see you again, Nia.
Nia. You too. We’re off to have lunch now. I’ll give you a call one of these days.
Antonio. Good. I’ll see you around.
Nia. Thanks, see ya.
Antonio. Bye.
Nia. I’m so sorry. People keep interrupting your story.
Sebastian. It’s okay. Do you still want to listen to it?
Nia. Yes, I do. So you were about to ask the man what was the matter?
Sebastian. Right. When I ask him if there was something wrong, all the sudden he presses the emergency stop button.
Sebastian. What? Was there anyone else in the elevator with you?
Nia. No, it was just this guy and me.
Sebastian. So what happened?
Nia. I didn’t know what to do. The elevator’s stopped and the alarm is ringing. I was thinking crazy things like if he went for his pocket I would jump him. I even bent my knees a little so I could tackle him hard. But he didn’t do anything. He ...
Jackie. Nia!
Nia. Oh. Hey, Jackie.
Jackie. What are you doing here?
Nia. I’m about to have lunch with my friend here. I don’t think you two met. Jackie, this is Sebastian. Sebastian this is Jackie.
Jackie. Nice to meet you.
Sebastian. Same here.
Jackie. So did you hear about Anita?
Nia. No, what happened?
Jackie. She won like ten thousand dollars at AC the other day.
Nia. What? Really? What was she playing?
Jackie. The slots. She hit the jackpot.
Nia. Wow. Ten thousand dollars?
Jackie. Yeah, crazy huh? I gotta go now. Back to work. See ya.
Nia. See ya.
Sebastian. *laughs* It’s like everyone knows you.
Nia. Yeah, I know. I’ll eventually bump into high school friends by the next block.
Sebastian. I should keep some distance from you until you bump into another person you know. Then I’ll come in and interrupt the conversation.
Nia. It seems only fair. So did you tackle the guy?
Sebastian. Nah. He started to mumble something about it being the wrong floor, but he’s still pressing the lobby button, so I ask him what floor he wanted. Then he mumbles the number three over and over again. All this while the alarm was still going.
Nia. How freaky.
Sebastian. Yeah, it was. So I go over and tap three, and ask him if that’s the floor he wants. I don’t think he knew I was there, but he jumped when he saw the button light up. I think he thought it just lit up by itself. So I move to pull the emergency stop, but then he turns around and yells, “Stop!”
Nia. Holy oh my schnikies.
Sebastian. This absolutely freaks me out. I’m starting to sweat now, but I do manage to get the elevator going again.
Nia. How?
Sebastian. I just repeated to the guy ...
Orson. Hey, Nia. Hey.
Nia. Hi, Orson.
Orson. What’s ...
Nia. I’m sorry, can you hold on? What did you tell the guy, Sebastian?
Sebastian. Uh ...
Nia. It’s okay, go ahead.
Sebastian. I told him that everything was going to be okay. There is nothing to worry about. I then told him that there was no way of thinking clearly in this elevator and that we need to think clearly to be calm.
Nia. You said that?
Sebastian. Yeah, I felt like I was helping a person ready to jump off a bridge.
Nia. Something really traumatic must have happened to him.
Sebastian. Yeah, probably. So he finally backs off and I get the elevator going again.
Nia. I don’t remember seeing him when you got off the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, he got off of the third floor.
Nia. Weird.
Sebastian. Where did your friend go?
Nia. Oh, I don’t know. He must have left.
End. Elevator on Hold

Nane. Slow down, there’s a police car coming up.
Klaus. Do not worry. It is der Autobahn. It is okay to pass der Polizei.
Nane. How fast are we going?
Klaus. Now we are going 273 kilometers per hour.
Nane. What is that in miles?
Klaus. I do not know.
Nane. This is definitely past a hundred. I have to apologize, Klaus, but my American culture is screaming quietly inside my head.
Klaus. Is this too fast for you?
Nane. I’m just used to being served peanuts and a drink at these speeds.
Klaus. Enjoy the drive. There is nothing to fear. Of course, there is der Geisterfahrer.
Nane. What is that?
Klaus. In English, it is ... how do you say? Ghost driver.
Nane. What is that? Are there myths that the autobahn is haunted?
Klaus. No. Der Geisterfahrer drive against traffic causing serious accidents. They loose their heads and drive der Autobahn in the opposite direction.
Nane. Does this occur often?
Klaus. Not very often, they are just popular because of the accidents. Like a shark attack. They do not happen often, but when they do, it seems as though they happen all of the time.
Nane. Wait, I have a calculator for converting Deutschmarks into Dollars. I wonder if it has a converter for kilometers into miles. Let’s see ... Ah here is it. How fast are we going, again?
Klaus. 287 kilometer per hour.
Nane. Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie Ihren Verstand verloren?
Klaus. *laughs* Neine.
End. Excuse me, have you lost your mind?

Arnaud. Kamel.
Kamel. Yeah?
Arnaud. We’re going to have to stop. I’m cramping up.
Kamel. Okay. *laughs* Hey Arnaud.
Arnaud. Yeah?
Kamel. Are you bored?
Arnaud. *laughs* Not anymore. The first three hours, and we’re screaming at people below, now ... now, I’m ready to gather some leaves and spend the night here. I’m exhausted, Kamel.
Kamel. Yes, I would like to go home too.
Arnaud. I’ve never had to climb inclines on my hands and feet before, Kamel. I’m going out of my mind. I was bouncing off of trees and branches down that last steep decline.
Kamel. I know. Look at the clouds over there.
Arnaud. I can’t believe we’re up this high.
Kamel. That’s how I’m going to kiss my wife when I get back. I’m going to lie her down on the floor and graze her lips like the clouds grazing across the top of the valley.
Arnaud. Okay, I think I’m ready to go again. Do you hear that?
Kamel. It’s water.
Arnaud. If it’s a pool of water, I’m jumping in. I don’t care.
End. Forward From Exhaustion

Yann. Look at this pepper.
Paola. What about it?
Yann. It’s powdered.
Paola. Yeah, I’ve never seen it like that before.
Yann. I like it. It’s pepper as it should be. Do you want to try it?
Paola. I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of pepper. I can never taste it.
Yann. How about on your mashed potatoes?
Paola. Oh, okay.
Yann. Well?
Paola. I can taste the texture of the pepper, but I can’t really taste it.
Yann. Really? Let me put some more.
Paola. No, it’s okay.
Yann. Just a little?
Paola. It’s just pepper. Let’s just enjoy the dinner.
Yann. You’re not having a good time, are you?
Paola. I’m sorry, I’m just not having a good day. I don’t know what it is. All my energy left my body for the day.
Yann. I wish I could make you happier.
Paola. It’s okay. I’m sure that I’ll get out of this funk.
Yann. I could do a strip tease for you.
Paola. What?
Yann. I have lots of layers on, so it’ll be fun.
Paola. *Laughs* No, you don’t need to.
Yann. Come on. It’ll make you happy.
Paola. Here? In the restaurant?
Yann. Well, I wasn’t planning on doing a public showing, but if it’ll make you happy...
Paola. Are you serious?
Yann. Whoops, there goes a button...
Paola. Oh my ...
Yann. Bum ba, bum ba, bum ba.
Paola. *Laughs* Okay, okay. I’m feeling better, thank you.
Yann. But I haven’t even taken off my shirt or started to dance.
Paola. Let’s go on a drive after dinner.
Yann. Where do you want to go?
Paola. I’m not sure yet.
Yann. Sure.
End. Happy Stripping

Marianne. Oh my God, are you all right?
Remo. Um, I think so.
Marianne. Is anything broken?
Remo. No, you didn’t hit me very hard.
Marianne. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. Are you sure you’re okay? Oh, you’re bleeding.
Remo. It’s just a scrape from hitting the street. Don’t worry about it. I’m alright.
Marianne. Were you on your way somewhere? Can I give you a ride?
Remo. I was going to see my friend. I’m a little late, so I need to hurry.
Marianne. Let me give you a ride, please. It’s the least I can do. I feel so embarrassed. I was telling my husband how crazy people drive in New York.
Remo. We’re in New York?
End. Hit Where?

Pavel. Hey Helene.
Helene. Hey Pavel, what are you doing here?
Pavel. Here, sit down. I’m supposed to meet this girl for lunch.
Helene. Oh really? Who is she?
Pavel. I don’t know. A friend of a friend?
Helene. You don’t know her?
Pavel. Isn’t life exciting?
Helene. I’m kind of surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to go on a blind date.
Pavel. I’m going to enjoy the awkwardness of the conversation.
Helene. You can be funny. I know you can.
Pavel. Gee thanks. So what are you doing here? Are you meeting, how do you say? A man?
Helene. Why yes, I am, but he’s just a friend from work. He had to mail something, so I volunteered to get a seat for us while he mailed his parcels.
Pavel. You know, I love the music they play here.
Helene. But they’re playing basso nova. You can’t play this and have no one dance.
Pavel. I dance silently inside my head, as I should always do for the sake of all.
Helene. I’m going to take you dancing one of these days.
Pavel. Why would you want to subject yourself to such painful embarrassment?
Helene. Hey let’s ditch our dates and go to another place.
Pavel. I’m not going dancing.
Helene. Awww...
Pavel. But let’s go.
End. Dancing Blind

Thane. I’m not going to sleep.
Kamille. Why not?
Thane. I’m afraid you’ll do something bad to me.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Yes you. You’re evil. You’ll do something like set my hair on fire to wake me up.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Don’t play innocent with me. One time I wake up, and I find Jello down my boxers.
Kamille. How do you know it was me?
Thane. You even used sparkling water.
Kamille. Wasn’t it exciting?
Thane. I can’t believe you. I felt so violated.
Kamille. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.
Thane. I bet you took pictures too.
Kamille. No, that’s crazy. You actually think I would take pictures?
Thane. Actually, you would take the time to make charcoal sketches.
Kamille. Just go to sleep.
Thane. No.
Kamille. Are you just going to stay up all night?
Thane. If I need to, yes.
Kamille. Okay, I’ll go to sleep, and to can poke me all you want to make sure I am asleep so when I am, then you can go to sleep as well.
Thane. Wives aren’t supposed to do things like that.
Kamille. I’m sorry. The Jello was on sale, and I was in a weird mood. I’m calm now. I won’t do anything. I would only do that to the person I love.
Thane. So, the sparkling Jello down my boxers shows how much you love me?
Kamille. Yes.
End. Sleeping and Jello

Jana. Hey, what’s wrong?
Galo. It’s the cheese, Jana.
Jana. Why, what’s wrong with it?
Galo. It’s just not good.
Jana. What is that? Muenster?
Galo. Yes.
Jana. It’s a good cheese. I like it on sandwiches.
Galo. I do too, and I considered it to be one of my favorite cheeses, but on crackers, it’s just not good.
Jana. I’m sorry.
Galo. It’s too mild. I might as well dip this cracker in a glass of milk.
Jana. Well, what would make you happier?
Galo. A simple sharp cheddar.
Jana. Okay, let’s go. I’m going to buy you some cheddar cheese.
Galo. Really? Do you know a good cheese place?
Jana. Yes. Wisconsin.
Galo. Can I pack first?
Jana. No.
End. Mild Bad

Colette. We should try that.
Graham. Try what?
Colette. See the couple over there?
Graham. The ones kissing?
Colette. Yes. I think we should kiss.
Graham. Do you want to kiss now?
Colette. I’m not sure. If we did, it’d be like we were competing with the other couple.
Graham. They’re really going at it.
Colette. It reminds me of a time when I had a boyfriend in high school. We would kiss for so long, that I would get all dizzy because I wouldn’t get enough oxygen.
Graham. We’ll we shouldn’t kiss then, cause I didn’t bring my oxygen tank or my sneakers. I’m not ready for a marathon.
Colette. What makes you think I would kiss you for that long?
Graham. I don’t know, for nostalgia’s sake?
Colette. If I were to kiss you, it would only be a peck.
Graham. That sounds sad, yet enjoyable.
Colette. Oh, they’re done.
Graham. The girl’s crying.
End. Sad Yet Enjoyable Kissing.

Nando. So, I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. What? Wait, what about Lara?
Nando. What about her? I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can endorse this. Does Lara know about this?
Nando. No, why should I tell her?
Corrina. Well, why are you telling me?
Nando. I trust you, and I have no problems revealing my shortcomings to you.
Corrina. I think I’m getting nauseous.
Nando. Come on. This can’t be surprising. It’s me.
Corrina. Yes, I’m sorry, I’m putting general decency into your personality. So, what’s her name?
Nando. Ebba. I don’t know what it is. I meet her, right? And all I want to do is buy her things. I’m getting her stuffed bears, books, potted plants, I’m making her deserts. Get this, I go by a garage sale, and see this lamp, and I’m like I have to get this for her.
Corrina. A lamp? Sounds like love.
Nando. Nah, I thought about it in the shower, and I’ve just figured that I just want to buy her things to make her happy, you know?
Corrina. Well, why don’t you buy me things?
Nando. I’ve thought about that too, and I figured out this. Buying you things won’t make you happy. You’d just laugh at a lamp.
Corrina. You’re right, I would.
Nando. So, I don’t know what’ll make you happy. I just talk to you, you know?
Corrina. That’s actually sweet. In a strange way.
Nando. Oh yeah?
Corrina. Can you stop touching me?
End. Lamps vs. Conversation

Hitoshi Raccoon. May I have some of your vegetables in curry sauce over rice?
Noriko. I’m not sure.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Well, I was hoping there would be a way inside your flat so I can have a taste of your curry sauce, but these screen windows are in the way.
Noriko. Well, if you start clawing your way through the screen window, I’m going to have to dump a bucket full of water on you.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Do you think that will stop me?
Noriko. I hope so.
Jiji Cat. What the?
End. Raccoons Like Curry.

Ame. Where are you now?
Hector. I'm in friend's apartment.
Ame. Which one?
Hector. I'm at Marko's. I can't remember, have you met him?
Ame. He sounds familiar, where would I have met him?
Hector. Were you there when we went to the tracks?
Ame. He was the one wearing the straw hat?
Hector. Yup, that's the one.
Ame. So why are you calling me now, aren't you having fun with Marko?
Hector. Well, I'm a bit bored.
Ame. Isn't that kind of rude of you to call me to say your bored? Isn't your friend there?
Hector. Well, no. Actually he went out to go grocery shopping. He felt I was tired, so he left me here, so I'm calling you.
Ame. Oh, really? You're all alone in his apartment?
Hector. Yup.
Ame. Do you know where that straw hat is?
Hector. What do you mean?
Ame. You know, the one he was wearing. Do you know where it is?
Hector. Yeah, it's on the coat rack, why?
Ame. Can you steal it for me?
Hector. What?
Ame. Come on, will you do it?
Hector. I will steal his soap for you, but I will not steal his hat.
Ame. Ooh, what kind of soap does he have?
Hector. Hold on, let me go check ... he's got soft soap, but he also has this really nice smelling candle.
Ame. What does it smell like?
Hector. I don't know. Like flowers.
Ame. What color is it?
Hector. Light purple?
Ame. Ooh, can I have that?
Hector. Sure. I'll put it in my bag now.
Ame. I can't wait.
End. Candle No Straw Hat.

Ellis. Isn’t that Cyril?
Clarisa. Where?
Ellis. Across the street by the corner.
Clarisa. I can’t see him, there’s too many people.
Ellis. Right there, the one in the suit holding an umbrella.
Clarisa. They’re all holding an umbrella, Ellis.
Ellis. I can’t believe you can’t see him, he’s crossing the street.
Clarisa. Along with a hundred other men.
Ellis. You’re just overwhelmed by all the men in their suits.
Clarisa. Can you blame me? Look at them, one more wonderful than the other. Oh, I like that one.
Ellis. Which one?
Clarisa. The tall one with the unbuttoned single breasted suit, dark hair.
Ellis. The one with the umbrella, right?
Clarisa. What’s with you and umbrellas? But yes, he does have an umbrella, one of those longer ones with a wooden hook handle.
Ellis. That’s Cyril.
Clarisa. No. Really? He looks nice in a suit. What are you doing?
Ellis. I’m calling him on his cell. Let’s see if he wants to eat with us.
Clarisa. Oh, no. He’s probably busy.
Ellis. Hey, Cyril. It’s Ellis. Clarisa and I just saw you cross the street. Feel like eating lunch with us?
Clarisa. What is he saying?
Ellis. Yeah, I know. She really wants to see you up close in your suit.
Clarisa. What are you doing?
Ellis. She’s a bit attracted to you, Cyril. You know what? Why don’t you just the two of you have lunch? I’ve got some errands to do anyway.
Clarisa. Give me that phone ... ! I’m going to kill you ... !
Ellis. Hey hey, you just cut me off.
Clarisa. What do you think you’re doing?
Ellis. You don’t want to have lunch with Cyril?
Clarisa. I do, but I don’t need you to set it up like that.
Ellis. I’m sorry. It just happened, I thought it’d be funny.
Clarisa. I can’t believe you. Give me your phone.
Ellis. Here, who are you calling?
Clarisa. Cyril, I don’t want to have lunch with you, you cheating drug dealer.
Ellis. Tu Chez.
End. Suits and Umbrellas