Kader. What took you so long?
Raf. Oh, this drunk.
Kader. What happened?
Raf. I was waiting outside the bathroom and this drunk guy just comes and tries to open the door, but he can’t because someone’s already in there. It doesn’t matter though. He rattling the doorknob, banging on the door, it’s like he doesn’t realize that it’s locked and the reason why it’s locked is because someone’s in it. Anyway, I thought I would be helpful and explain the situation to him. I told him that someone was already in there, but he turns right to me, looks at me, and gives me this, “Oh, really? Someone is in there?” I tell him that he needs to wait for the person to finish, then he repeats his, “Oh really?” I really hate punk drunks.
Kader. So then what happened?
Raf. He starts shouting at me like, “Dude man, just open the door. I gotta piss. If you don’t open the door, I’m going to piss all over you and your pretty shoes.”
Kader. Was he bigger than you?
Raf. Yeah, but he was gone. I had that. So, he pushed me and I first took it. The guy’s drunk right? I’ll give drunks a little buffer to let some steam off, but this one keeps shoving me, so I ask him, “I’m not going to open the door. Are you going to piss on me?”
Kader. You did?
Raf. Then he goes, “Yeah, I’m going to piss on you.” So when he goes down to unzip his pants, I tackle him against the door, and I guess his back slammed against the doorknob cause he was writhing in pain. I stood over this poor drunk, screaming and pissing in his pants. Drunks are funny.
Kader. Yeah, I guess they are.
End. Punk Drunk

Thieu. I hate helping people.
Liesel. You hate helping people?
Thieu. Yeah, I do.
Liesel. What happened?
Thieu. It’s weird, but ...
*The refridgerator door opens
Thieu. That’s weird.
Liesel. Excuse me.
*Liesel walks to the refriderator, shifts some objects, and closes the door.
Liesel. So you hate helping people?
Thieu. Does your refridgerator always do that?
Liesel. I don’t think so. Maybe there was something in the way of the door when I last closed it.
Thieu. Yeah, well anyway, what I talking about?
Liesel. You hate helping people.
Thieu. Yeah, right. Okay. So, when I help people, and I mean I help them move something, or teach a kid how to multiply, they are so grateful that they treat me like a saint.
Liesel. This is something you don’t like?
Thieu. I’m teaching a kid how to multiply three times Liesel. Anyone can do that.
*The refridgerator door opens.
Liesel. Excuse me.
*Liesel walks to the refridgerator and inspects the hinges of the door.
Thieu. I think there’s something wrong with your door.
Liesel. Yeah, maybe.
Thieu. It’s like your refridgerator lost it’s suction.
Liesel. Is that what you call it? Suction?
Thieu. I really don’t know.
Liesel. I guess you don’t know how to fix the door.
Thieu. There’s tape.
Liesel. Did you want anything to drink?
End. Helping with the Refridgerator Door

Fannea. Hello, are you here for a haircut?
Moeder. Haircut, haircut? No, um. My hair. Can you clean my hair?
Fannea. We can wash you hair, yes. Then we can cut your hair.
Moeder. I’m sorry. I only want my hair to be cleaned.
Fannea. First wash, then cut, right?
Moeder. Just wash, please. No cut. Look at my feet.
Fannea. Your feet?
Moeder. Feet? No no, my hand. I am sorry. My English is not so good.
Fannea. It’s okay. Oh, did you hurt your hand?
Moeder. Yes, yes. I hurt my hand. I cannot use it.
Fannea. So you cannot wash your hair?
Moeder. Yes. It is difficult with one hand.
Fannea. I think I understand now. Come with me.
End. Fannea Will Wash Moeder’s Hair

Wouter. What are you doing?
Helga. I’m making dinner.
Wouter. What’s boiling in the pot?
Helga. Ramen noodles?
Wouter. And what’s in that jar?
Helga. That’s a jar of tomato sauce.
Wouter. Oh no.
Helga. What?
Wouter. You’re not going to mix the two, are you?
Helga. Yes, I am.
*Wouter strains the noodles over the sink with a strainer and tosses the noodles into the garbage.
Helga. What are you doing?
*Wouter takes the jar of tomato sauce and smashes it against the wall.
Helga. What is wrong with you!?
End. Wouter Dislikes Ramen with Tomato Sauce

Ilse. Hey, Wim.
Wim. Hey, look at this.
Ilse. A pair of pants? Where did you get those?
Wim. You know Staf?
Ilse. He gave them to you?
Wim. Yeah, they don’t fit him, so he just gave them to me.
Ilse. Very nice. What’s in the plastic bag?
Wim. It’s a bag of oranges.
Ilse. Did Staf give you those as well?
Wim. No, I bought them.
End. Only the Pants

Henk. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I feel like I need to tell someone.
Ineke. What is it?
Henk. It’s kind of personal, but it’s so strange that someone else needs to know.
Ineke. How long have we known each other?
Henk. A long time.
Ineke. You know you can trust me can’t you?
Henk. I know, I would not even mention it if I wasn’t comfortable with you.
Ineke. So, what is it?
Henk. It’s my nose hair.
Ineke. Your nose hair?
Henk. They’re turning white.
Ineke. What?
Henk. I don’t understand why. Is this what happens when you grow old? You’re nose hairs are the first to turn white?
Ineke. I don’t know. I don’t think so.
Henk. Well, they are. At least for me.
Ineke. But your hair is still brown.
Henk. My eyebrows, my armpit hair, my eye lashes, everything is brown.
Ineke. That would be weird if only your eyelashes were white.
Henk. It’s weird that only my nose hairs are white.
Ineke. Yeah, but you can hide your nose hairs. You can’t really hide your eyelashes, unless you wore mascara.
Henk. I wonder if my hair will turn white soon.
Ineke. It sounds like it.
Henk. I’ve always thought that my hair would stay brown longer than normal since I’ve lived a relatively stress free lifestyle.
Ineke. Maybe all your stress has accumulated in your nose.
Henk. Can you stop trying to look up my nose, please?
End. Only the Nose

Konstantin. I was in the subway today, and there was this girl with a digital camera.
Maya. Did you ask her out because she had a digital camera?
Konstantin. She made me nervous.
Maya. Because she was so stunning?
Konstantin. I had the feeling she was going to take a picture of me.
Maya. You were hoping she was going to take a picture of you then ask you for your number?
Konstantin. I really don’t like people taking photos of me. One time there was a newswoman taping and I had to cross the street to avoid the camera.
Maya. Is it because you are self-important?
Konstantin. But I’m working at it.
End. Camera Fear

Jelena. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
Marlies. Why? What’s going on?
Jelena. I’m starting to get headaches from drinking cold drinks.
Marlies. That’s normal though.
Jelena. Not for me. I never got headaches before.
Marlies. Really? Never?
Jelena. I didn’t understand what it meant to get a headache after drinking something cold, but now I do. It’s horrible. It’s like this glob of pain filling every hollow of my head. I feel like Christopher Reeve in Superman II.
Marlies. When he gives up his powers and experiences his blood spilling for the first time?
Jelena. Yes. I’m no longer immune to head freezes. I’m like one of you now.
Marlies. Maybe it’s a one-time deal. You should try drinking something cold again to make sure.
Jelena. I’m afraid to find out.
End. Cold Drink Fear

Seppe. Where’s my rifle?
Alek. Hold on. It’s too late to go hunting.
Seppe. I’m not hunting. I’m going to get Piet.
Alek. Piet? What happened?
Seppe. I’m going to put a hole through his body.
Alek. Kumbaya, man. Kumbaya.
Seppe. What?
End. Kumbaya

Ton. Aw, this is disgusting!
An. What is it?
Ton. This drink. I bought it by mistake.
An. What kind of drink is it?
Ton. Oh, man. *drinks* It’s like a watered down version of V8 but without tomato.
An. Oh sick. I hate V8.
Ton. It’s disgusting *drinks*, but I can’t *drinks* stop drinking it. *drinks*
An. Why?
Ton. I don’t know. There’s a hint of fruit that I actually like, *drinks* so I’m concentrating on it.
An. So you like it?
Ton. I don’t know. I’m confused.
An. Can I try some?
Ton. No! It’s mine!
End. Can’t Stop Drinking

Ulla. You’re taking everything then?
Vreni. I own it. I have the right.
Ulla. That’s fine.
Vreni. Is it? Or are you just saying that?
Ulla. No, I mean it. It’s good that you’re taking everything. I need to start my life all over again. Clean. New. I’m going to be a new person.
Vreni. Oh?
Ulla. Your things will only drag me down. For the first time in my life, I feel free.
Vreni. Ulla?
Ulla. Yes?
Vreni. Would you like the vase?
Ulla. No.
End. Take Everything

Leonid. Nalin. What are you doing?
Nalin. How many years have we been doing this, Leonid?
Leonid. Don’t move. You’re going to trigger the alarm.
Nalin. Remember how we first started? How you got the plans to that Utica bank security system? You concentrated on the circuitry until you found the backdoor.
Leonid. What are you doing? They’re going to know we’re here.
Nalin. I haven’t triggered the alarm yet.
Leonid. But if you make any more movements, you will.
Nalin. I won’t move until you’re clear. Just radio me.
Leonid. What are you doing? Do you want to get caught?
Nalin. It’s about time they knew who at least one of us was, don’t you think?
Leonid. No, no. We still have time to get out after the alarm is triggered. We just can’t take everything.
Nalin. I’m staying, Leonid.
Leonid. Don’t do this to me.
Nalin. I’m tired, Leonid. You go ahead. I’m going to stay. Just radio me when you’re clear.
End. Waiting Until Clear

Margrit. Do you smoke?
Rustam. Me? No.
Margrit. Don’t you have to?
Rustam. I don’t think so.
Margrit. Don’t all boys your age smoke?
Rustam. Um, no, what kind of propaganda have you been watching? Are the characters in your cartoon shows smoking too?
Margrit. You have to. You’re old enough.
Rustam. So are you going to smoke when you’re my age?
Margrit. Of course, are you going to start?
Rustam. I’m not going to let a nine year old tell me what to do.
Margrit. I’m ten.
End. Margrit is Ten

Alistair. She likes to drink flat soda.
Flora. Who does?
Alistair. I don’t know. It's this someone I used to know, but I can’t remember. I’m remembering small fragments of her, but who am I trying to remember?
Flora. What else do you remember?
Alistair. I cooked dinner for her once.
Flora. You cook everyone dinner.
Alistair. That’s true.
Flora. Were you interested in her?
Alistair. I can’t remember. I don’t think so, though.
Flora. But it seems like you’re trying really hard to figure who it is.
Alistair. Something about her lips. Her lips are familiar.
Flora. Have you kissed her?
Alistair. I don’t think so, but her lips. I remember how her lips would purse.
Flora. Do you know what’s going to happen?
Alistair. What do you mean?
Flora. When you finally remember this person, you’re going develop a strong, but one-sided connection towards her, but it’s not going to be genuine. It’ll only be because you’ve struggled so much to remember her.
Alistair. There’s an “H” in her name.
Flora. Will you stop?
End. It’s Not Flora

Sigrid. What’s this?
Franziska. It’s a gift for your birthday. Happy Birthday.
Sigrid. Well, gee. Thanks. I didn’t anything for you though. I’m quite embarrassed.
Franziska. Oh, shut up.
Sigrid. Should I open it now?
Franziska. Before you open it, I want to tell you a story about your gift.
Sigrid. Okay?
Franziska. I was looking for your gift at a department store the other day. I was kind of having a hard time about it. What would the perfect gift for Sigrid be?
Sigrid. Chocolates and flowers would be nice.
Franziska. Anyway, as I was looking, this little boy took my hand.
Sigrid. Did you know him?
Franziska. No, he thought I was his mother, but when he realized I wasn’t his mother, had had this look of embarrassed confusion brushed on his face. But in that moment of pretense, I actually felt like a mother. I didn’t want to let go. You can open your present now.
Sigrid. I don’t think I should.
End. Moment of Pretense

Milena. Hey, Armin.
Armin. Milena. Why are you so happy?
Milena. I’m off to go swimming.
Armin. Swimming? At the pool?
Milena. Where else? Anyways, I’ve always wanted to go, but I haven’t had the time, but now I do, so I’m finally going.
Armin. I see.
Milena. You don’t care, do you?
End. Indifferent Towards Swimming

Tamani. You’re eating, Markus.
Markus. Yes I am.
Tamani. How does it feel to eat like that?
Markus. I don’t know. I can’t stop. The food’s just going into this big hole.
Tamani. You want anything else?
Markus. What do you have?
Tamani. I can cook more pasta.
Markus. Sure.
Tamani. Let’s see, what else do I have? Actually, I don’t have much.
Markus. Really? I could eat more.
Tamani. Let’s get some cheese steak at Geno’s.
Markus. Yes. Yes. Perfect, but can we stop by Wawa along the way? I want to pick up a hoagie too.
Tamani. Good, I’ll get some coffee.
Markus. Yeah, I won’t be sleeping tonight.
End. Insatiable

Irina. So, how was it?
Herve. How was what?
Irina. You’re counseling session. Are you going back?
Herve. I think I am.
Irina. You are? Why? I thought you were going to amuse yourself and go only once.
Herve. Yeah, but.
Irina. You enjoyed it, didn’t you? You enjoyed talking about yourself.
Herve. She’s originally from Baltimore, probably went to Berkley for her PhD, at least somewhere in San Francisco.
Irina. Yeah?
Herve. She’s been to Philadelphia, but I’m not sure why. Maybe a previous job. She also specializes in eating disorders.
Irina. She told you all this?
Herve. Not really. I kind of have to figure it out myself. We were talking about Philadelphia and she knew the places I’ve been to. And I saw in her bookshelf a book about eating disorders.
Herve. Maybe she has an eating disorder.
Irina. I would not keep a book about eating disorders on a bookshelf if I had an eating disorder, though she did drink a diet Canada Dry during our session.
Irina. You might want to keep an eye out on that. What else do you know about her?
Herve. She’s seen “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” “Annie Hall,” but a long time ago, “Good Will Hunting,” “Deconstructing Harry,” and some movie called “Mr. Jealousy.”
Irina. Never heard of it.
Herve. It something about a counseling group session gone wrong.
Irina. Makes sense.
Herve. She does not seem to enjoy the cold, or maybe she's just sensitive to it. During the session, she kept her arms folded, even when walking me out of her office.
Irina. Maybe she’s insecure.
Herve. No, when talking to her, she tries to maintain eye contact. She even bends over to meet my eyes if I’m looking down.
Irina. Is she married?
Herve. And pregnant, she’s showing a bit.
Irina. Maybe it’s her eating disorder.
Herve. I don’t know, maybe.
Irina. So you’re going back to see her?
Herve. Yeah, I don’t think I know her well enough.
Irina. You’re not supposed to know her.
Herve. Well, she’s leaving too many signs of her life. I’m a bit curious. That, and she looks like Uma Thurman.
Irina. I knew it.
End. Ulterior Counseling

Fritz. I heard that you have a metal detector.
Laurent. No? Where did you hear that?
Fritz. Don’t you scour the beaches to find what the rich tourists drop in the sand?
Laurent. No?
Fritz. So what was the most valuable thing you’ve found?
Laurent. Am I here? Can you see me?
Fritz. Yes?
Laurent. What’s my name?
Fritz. You’re name?
Laurent. Amuse me. What’s my name?
Fritz. Your name is Felix, Felix.
Laurent. No, it’s not. It’s Laurent.
Fritz. What?
Laurent. What’s your name?
Fritz. My name?
Laurent. Yeah. You do know what you’re name is, don’t you?
Fritz. No. I don’t know what my name is.
Laurent. Are you Fritz?
End. Laurent is not Fritz