Elek. What are you thinking about?
Seleia. I was thinking about swimming to that sandbar.
Elek. You should.
Seleia. How far do you think it is?
Elek. I don’t know. Fifty yards?
Seleia. Yeah, you’re probably right.
Elek. Do you think you can make it?
Seleia. I’m pretty sure I can, but look at the water.
Elek. What about it?
Seleia. It’s dark. It makes me feel uneasy. I keep on thinking of things unseen between here and the sandbar. I’m actually afraid to go out there. Can you believe it?
Elek. It makes sense, but I don’t think anything’s out there in the water. At least anything consequential.
Seleia. I keep imagining myself swimming through clear, deep blue water. I look down, but then I’m afraid of what I can’t see beyond the deep blue. I feel there will be something that will appear from under me, and I am absolutely helpless to do anything. I know the water’s grey here, but I’m feeling the same sort of fear inside me. It’s keeping from my going out there, to the sandbar.
Elek. I’ll swim with you, if you like.
Seleia. I thought about asking you, but the fear is still strong. I wouldn’t want to go even if you swam with me.
Elek. Why don’t I just go out there, and you can watch?
Seleia. Elek?
Elek. Yeah?
Seleia. I feel like I’m crumbling.
End. Crumbling into the Ocean

Levente. Hello, my friend.
Sander. Hello.
Levente. Is there something you like?
Sander. How much is this one?
Levente. For you, my friend. Thirty dollars.
Sander. That’s a little too much, I think.
Levente. Then how much do you want it for? You are a nice person. Give me a price. Any price.
Sander. I would be happy to buy this watch for fifteen.
Levente. Fifteen? Fifteen? No, no. I need to feed my family. Fifteen is too low.
Sander. What do you think, then? What price will make us both happy?
Levente. For you, my friend. I will cut ten off and give it to you for twenty.
Sander. Give it to me for eighteen, and I’ll be happy.
Levente. I will give it to you for nineteen.
Sander. Eighteen would be nice.
Levente. It’s just one more dollar. You can afford one dollar. I’m very poor. One dollar means more to me than it does to you.
Sander. Since you ask for nineteen, and I ask for eighteen, let’s meet in the middle. Eighteen fifty.
Levente. Half a dollar. Nineteen.
Sander. We will both be happy with eighteen fifty. I get a watch, you get eighteen fifty.
Levente. Nineteen is not much more.
Sander. You are my friend. Let’s be friends. Eighteen fifty is where we both can meet, don’t you think?
Levente. Okay, okay. Eighteen fifty.
Sander. Thank you, my friend.
End. Meeting at Fifty

Reka. How well do you know Beatta?
Tasuro. Beatta? I don’t know. I know her, she knows me. We haven’t really gotten into any real conversations. Why?
Reka. I saw her yesterday, and we were talking about you.
Tasuro. Yeah?
Reka. But she was talking about you as if you two were really old friends. I was a little confused.
Tasuro. What was she saying?
Reka. Just what a really sincere guy you were.
Tasuro. Maybe she just a good judge of character.
Reka. It made me sick really, the way she talked about you. She has this utmost admiration for you, but she shouldn’t.
Tasuro. I don’t know if I should be offended by that.
Reka. You don’t deserve her admiration. You never really talked to her. How can she know what kind of person you are?
Tasuro. Oh, we did talk about one thing.
Reka. What was it about?
Tasuro. We actually had a light argument about “American Beauty”
Reka. Oh really?
Tasuro. She was saying that “American Beauty” was a perfect example of American suburban life, while I was saying that the example was too perfect where it was not real, but then she said that that was the point, that it was a spoof on American suburban life. I acknowledged the spoof then countered that the spoof itself tried too hard to incorporate everything that’s wrong with suburban life, that it was too general, thus making Kevin Spacey’s character watered down and impersonal, and at least to me, unlikable, which was unfortunate because I really like Kevin Spacey as an actor.
Reka. I do too. He was amazing in “L.A. Confidential.” He should have won Best Supporting Actor that year.
Tasuro. Who won?
Reka. Robin Williams for “Good Will Hunting.”
Tasuro. Which is why I don’t watch the Oscars.
Reka. So that’s the only conversation you had?
Tasuro. What conversation?
Reka. With Beatta.
Tasuro. Oh yeah.
End. Argument So Light

Uncle Gellert. Hey there, Antal.
Antal. Hi, Uncle Gellert.
Uncle Gellert. Your dad tells me that you’re about to mow the lawn.
Antal. Yeah. I have to do it every Saturday before I can play with my friends.
Uncle Gellert. When I was your age, I had to mow the lawn too. I was the only one who mowed the lawn though. Your father has allergies, so he used that as an excuse not to mow the lawn.
Antal. Yeah, Dad’s allergies are pretty bad.
Uncle Gellert. You’ve been to Granddad’s house, right?
Antal. Yeah.
Uncle Gellert. That was the lawn I had to mow when I was your age. The house next door and across the street from the house always had better lawns then we did. Those lawns were always greener, cut straighter, even the edges had a sharpness that my lawn never had. I experimented with different blades, fertilizers, even water schedules, but my lawn would never achieve the level of quality of my neighbors'. Then one day, I bumped into the neighbor across the street from us at a hardware store. He was buying a new blade for his lawn mower. I wanted to go up to him and ask him what his secret was, but I didn’t. You know why I didn’t ask, Antal?
Antal. Why?
End. It’s Just Grass

Bence. Look, did you see that?
Ferenc. What?
Bence. Out there. Did you see the flash of lightning?
Ferenc. Lightning? What is that?
Bence. You must know what lightning is.
Ferenc. You know. My English.
Bence. Okay. Lightning is light from the sky.
Ferenc. Lights in the sky? Airplane?
Bence. No. First, there is a flash of light, then there is thunder. Do you know what thunder is?
Ferenc. No.
Bence. Just wait. It’ll happen again. Look outside. The lightning is far so we can’t hear the thunder.
Ferenc. I’m tired. I sleep now.
Bence. You don’t want to see the lightning?
Ferenc. Maybe another time.
Bence. There it is again. Did you see it?
Ferenc. Lights in the sky? No.
Bence. What about fire in the sky? A line of fire in the sky. Boom.
Ferenc. Fire?
Bence. Never mind. Go to sleep. We’re almost there.
End. Not Knowing Lightning

Yuriko. Let’s see what disgusting things you have in your refrigerator.
Hatsunori. Don’t be misled. They’re all experiments. I’m going to make the perfect cheese.
Yuriko. Hey, one of your onions is growing a stalk. Look at this.
Hatsunori. Ooh, I was going to use that today.
Yuriko. You can you still use it, can’t you?
Hatsunori. I don’t know. Can I?
Yuriko. It’s still an onion, but it’s an onion plant too.
Hatsunori. It feels immoral to use it now, you know? It’s alive. By accident, I’ve created a new life for this onion. I don’t feel I have the right to take it away.
Yuriko. Morals for an onion. Well, I think you should plant it.
Hatsunori. But where?
Yuriko. What about the park?
Hatsunori. Gee, Yuriko. You’re full of ideas, aren’t you?
*Yuriko punches Hatsunori in the arm*
Hatsunori. Ow.
Yuriko. Do you have a trowel?
Hatsunori. No, but I could get one at the hardware store.
Yuriko. You know? I should have planted onions all over my university campus.
Hatsunori. I probably would have helped you.
Yuriko. I would have taken onions from the dining halls and planted them everywhere. I should have done something stupid like that.
Hatsunori. I guess it’s too late now.
Yuriko. Well, let’s go to the hardware store. We’ll plant this one in the park and that’ll be that.
End. The Influence of an Onion

Marten. I stopped my car and told Reka to get out the other day.
Timea. Like Fred Flintstone does to Barney Rubble?
Marten. I made sure I did not yell, and I dropped her off at a subway station so she could go home or wherever she wanted.
Timea. What happened?
Marten. The topic of God came up. I can’t even remember how we started talking about God, but all of the sudden she started to make derogatory remarks about God and how stupid He is. Then, something exploded inside of me. I could not rip my steering wheel out of its column. That’s when I stopped the car and told her to get out.
Timea. What did she do?
Marten. She had this confused sadness in her eyes, but she got out. I was quite firm with her. I really don’t know what came over me. You know me. I believe in God, but I don’t really care which way or the other.
Timea. So why did you tell her to leave?
Marten. Because I was afraid if she remained in the car, I would have swerved into oncoming traffic.
End. Exit Right

Karad. Could you stop doing that please?
Ilona. Stop what?
Karad. Stop pretending to yawn. You’re making me yawn.
Ilona. But it’s the only way I can control you.
Karad. The only way you can control me is to make me yawn?
Ilona. I’ve been trying for months now, but I get nothing out of you. Every command I give you simply brushes by, but I’ve found your weakness. My ability to control your yawning is the key.
Karad. I’ve been saving this for a special occasion. *takes out a card from his pocket and reads* Ilona, we’re just very different people. We’re going in different directions in our lives. I don’t think we should see each other anymore, but we can still be friends.
Ilona. It’s too late. See? *yawns*
Karad. *yawns* What are you doing?
Ilona. The reason why you yawn is because you’re empathetic.
Karad. What does that mean?
Ilona. Unconsciously, you believe that I’m tired so your reaction is to be tired as well, but it doesn’t stop there. *takes out a knife*
Karad. What does stabbing me have to do with yawning?
Ilona. I’m not going to stab you. *takes the knife to her hand and draws blood*
Karad. *Karad winces in pain* What are you doing?
Ilona. Did you notice your reaction? You winced. You unconsciously felt my pain. Do you understand now?
Karad. So is that why my stomach tenses up when I see objects in free fall?
Ilona. Yes. You see something falling and your body reacts as if your body if falling. *starts to cry*
Karad. No, you’re not sad.
Ilona. You can’t fight it. You feel sad don’t you?
Karad. Will you at least give me a hug?
End. Sense of Yawn

Ovidiu. That was odd. Why did he start speaking French to me? Didn’t you hear me say that I wasn’t French?
Magda. But he just asked you if you could speak French.
Ovidiu. And I did. I mean, who doesn’t know that in French?
Magda. But I think when you answered in French that you couldn’t, it threw him off.
Ovidiu. He really wanted me to be French, didn’t he?
Magda. What do you mean?
Ovidiu. My pronouncing our order in French triggered something in him, so he had to ask me if I was French. When I said I wasn’t, he just continued to speak.
Magda. I think it was something about his father.
Ovidiu. I got that too, but he just kept on talking.
Magda. Maybe he needed to talk to someone. To tell someone in his own language about his problems.
Ovidiu. Is that all we need? All we have to do is talk about our problems? Doesn’t it matter if the recipient understands or cares?
Magda. But you pretended you understood.
Ovidiu. Yeah, but he forced me. It would have been rude to ignore him. He trusted me with what he told me, so I had to oblige him.
Ovidiu. He must be very lonely to have told you whatever he told you.
Magda. Yeah, I feel bad for him.
Ovidiu. We should do something.
Magda. I wouldn’t know what to do.
Ovidiu. Here he comes with the wine.
End. Waiter from France

One.
Cordilia. Excuse me, sir?
Alber. Yes?
Cordilia. I gave you a twenty, but you gave me change for a ten.
Alber. You gave me a ten.
Cordilia. No, I gave you a twenty.
Alber. I’m pretty sure you gave me a ten.
Cordilia. All I had were twenties. I gave you a twenty, sir. *Cordilia turns to Gedeon behind her* You saw me give him a twenty, didn’t you?
Gedeon. Yeah, it was a twenty.
Cordilia. I’m not lying to you, sir.
Alber. I can’t believe this. Here. Here’s your change. You gave me a ten, though. I know you did. I don’t make that kind of mistake.
Cordilia. Thank you, sir.

Two.
Cordilia. Hey.
Gedeon. Oh, hi.
Cordilia. Mind if I sit down with you?
Gedeon. I don’t know. Are you going to going to try to pull money from me as well?
Cordilia. Gee, thanks.
Gedeon. Do I get a percentage?
Cordilia. Do you want a percentage?
Gedeon. Yes, I do. How about twenty percent?
Cordilia. I’ll give you these mints.
Gedeon. Deal.
Cordilia. Here you go. Nice doing business.
Gedeon. Would you like a mint?
End. Give and Take

Aafke. Are you married?
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. No, I’m not even close to being married.
Aafke. Do you have a girlfriend?
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. Not that I know of.
Aafke. That’s too bad. That’s too bad that you don’t have a girlfriend.
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. I’m touched that you have so much concern over my ... how would you call it? My marital status?
Aafke. What’s that?
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. If I’m married or not. So, my marital status would be single.
Aafke. Don’t you want to be married?
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. Right now, I think I want a daughter more than I want a girlfriend. Does this make sense?
Aafke. I think so. I don’t know.
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. So, until my want to date a girl becomes greater than my want to have a daughter, then I think I should seriously consider dating. It would be weird to date a girl for the purpose of having a daughter, so I think that’s my reason for not dating right now.
Aafke. You’re so weird. Would you want a daughter like me?
Mr. Diamantair Temessy. Don’t you have class to go to?
End. In Between Classes

Aleksandr. I’m going to build a brick oven in my backyard.
Oleg. Have you been going to the museum of history again?
Aleksandr. It amazes me that people from thousands of years ago baked their own bread in their own brick ovens.
Oleg. Why would you want to bake bread? Why do you have to make everything so difficult for yourself? Just go to the store.
Aleksandr. How did they get the temperature right? Was it the same temperature every time?
Oleg. So you’re going to build a brick oven in your backyard to bake bread?
Aleksandr. I was thinking of making my own pots out of clay too. I need an oven to heat the pots.
Oleg. Are you going to make your own clothes while you’re at it?
Aleksandr. How hard is it to grow cotton?
Oleg. You’re out of your mind.
Aleksandr. I won’t need to work anymore. I’ll live off of what I create with my own hands.
Oleg. You nut case. That is work.
End. Not Working

Three.
Massimo. The first Samurai agreed that the murder of children must be stopped. Both Samurai settled to fight in the forest away from the village so that their unconsciousness would not bring additional deaths to the village, though many villagers wanted to see the two Samurai battle in their unconscious states.

There was no talk between the two Samurai when they faced each other. The trees rustled in the wind when they charged each other. Within a few moments, all of the villagers witnessing the duel died by the undiscerning sword of the unconscious Samurai, as his final strike was through the neck of his Samurai adversary. As the Samurai’s head rolled to the side, the beheaded Samurai’s body continued to unconsciously attack and finally pierced his enemy’s lung, choking him in his own blood. Villagers later found the bodies of the dead villagers, a Samurai with his eyes wide open, and another decapitated Samurai whose head was found away from its body, with his eyes closed and smiling.
End. Closed and Smiling

One.
Massimo. Hey there, Lemmy.
Lemmy. Hello.
Massimo. Wanted to come up for a visit, you know.
Lemmy. Yes, I know.
Massimo. Whenever, I’m here. You’re always in your room.
Lemmy. It’s the only part of the house that’s mine.
Massimo. I see. You know, I read a story about a samurai that reminded me of you. Do you want to hear it?
Lemmy. Okay.
Massimo. Well, there was once a Samurai who excelled in his technique as a swordsman. Villagers said that he was beyond the point of conscious fighting. That ment that he relied solely on his instincts for the movement of his sword. He cleared his mind of everything and killed his enemies with incredible control and precision. Some villagers were afraid that when he would go into his unconscious state that he would kill anything that moved, even his own mother, but there was a time when he confronted an enemy who held a child as hostage thinking that the Samurai would not go into his unconscious state in fear of killing the child. The Samurai told his enemy that he was a coward to hold a child hostage, and that he would die holding a child who did not love him. He then immediately went into his unconscious state and killed his enemy just as he told him. The child fell softly onto the body of the fallen enemy. All the villagers realized then that the Samurai could express a moral discernment in his instinctive state. Villagers that led honest lives were not afraid of the Samurai, but those who cheated and stole for a living feared him.

Two.
Massimo. There was another Samurai who could also move his sword without consciousness, but he differed from the first Samurai. He killed people without discernment. Enemies of the Samurai would die, but so would innocent villagers. He believed that he did not carry the right to decide who would live or die, so his unconsciousness would start killing without warning. The Samurai claimed that he was just a vessel for his unconsciousness. That he was not responsible for any of the deaths. The villagers argued among themselves about the Samurai’s claims until the Samurai severed all the limbs of seven schoolchildren. The Samurai had to be stopped, so the villagers looked to the first Samurai.
End. Two States of Sword

Judit. What’s wrong? Did you have another bad dream?
Tamas. It was definitely vivid. I dreamt that I was in an airplane with a briefcase of plastic explosives, but I was not going to detonate it on the plane. I had another target to use it on, but I was so nervous they were going to find the explosives on me. Some security guard came by with a dog sniffing passengers’ hands. The dog was going to smell the plastic on me. It knew. It was just waiting until he got to sniff it on my hands, in my hair, on my clothes. In case I was caught, I was ready to explain to the security personnel that I was not going to use it on the plane; that I was going to use it on something else; that I’m not that kind of person. I would never blow up a plane, but then there was an explosion in the plane. I could feel the heat sear into me. I could feel debris from the blast pelt me, and then the airplane tore apart. The wind shear caught me and carried me outside the broken frame. But the explosion wasn’t from my briefcase. It was from somewhere behind me, but I didn’t find out who. I knew it was someone, but I was falling from the sky. I didn’t die from the explosion, but I wished I did because I did not want to wait till I slammed into the ground below. I closed my eyes and tried to at least go unconscious, but I could not. I was out of control. I was going to have to wait to die. That’s all I remember.
Judit. You don’t remember if you survived the fall?
Tamas. Of course I wouldn’t. I was falling out of a plane.
Judit. It was a dream, Tamas. A dream.
End. Falling From a Dream

One.
Tadeusz. Excuse me.
Artur. What can I help you with?
Tadeusz. These doughnuts. When do you make these doughnuts?
Artur. I don’t make them. Imre makes them.
Tadeusz. When does Imre make them?
Artur. Oh, I’d say around three.
Tadeusz. In the morning?
Artur. Yup. The dead shift. That when all the pastries come out.
Tadeusz. Well, thanks.

Two.
Tadeusz. Hetty? Hetty?
Hetty. What? What time is it?
Tadeusz. It’s half past two.
Hetty. I don’t believe you’re getting up to get doughnuts now.
Tadeusz. Their going to be fresh out of the oven. They’ll melt in your mouth.
Hetty. I don’t think I’m going to go.
Tadeusz. Are you sure?
Hetty. Yeah, you go ahead. I’ll be here. Sleeping. Oh, Tade?
Tadeusz. Yes?
Hetty. Can you get some milk? We’re out.
Tadeusz. Yeah, milk is a great idea.
End. Doughnut Run

Stanislaw. I thought about Evie today.
Marilou. Oh.
Stanislaw. I was in the subway and there was this woman in front of me. She had a black swaying dress with little red flowers printed on the material.
Marilou. Did she look like Evie?
Stanislaw. I didn’t notice what kind of shoes she was wearing until I witnessed her entire weight drop cold onto the stairs. Her heel was three steps behind her. Somebody else picked up the heel and gave it to her while she got up and walked unevenly in her shoes.
Marilou. How did she remind you of Evie?
Stanislaw. I was at Evie’s family gathering once. I was holding a glass of warm apple cider when one of her Aunts stepped on a banana peel left by one of the cousins. She slid about two feet and stumbled into a vase of dried flowers.
End. Lost in

Nuria. Did you ever find your perfect bowl?
Waldemar. I think I did, but I didn’t buy it.
Nuria. What do you mean?
Waldemar. I’m pretty sure it was the perfect bowl, but three girls distracted me, so I wasn’t exactly sure enough to purchase the bowl.
Nuria. Uh huh?
Waldemar. I went into the store, and at the counter were these three girls. They had to be sisters.
Nuria. Let me guess, they were gorgeous, and you felt nervous, so you went right back out of the door.
Waldemar. What happened was when I walked in I saw the girls at the counter; two were sitting down, and the other leaning on the counter; all brushing their teeth. I had to check the time, and it was three in the afternoon. I tried not to think about why they were brushing their teeth because I needed to be in the right mind set when choosing a bowl.
Nuria. Maybe they had a late lunch.
Waldemar. Maybe, but all three of them? It would make sense if maybe one or two of them were brushing their teeth, but all three were, and it wouldn’t make sense if there were other workers who rotated with them to go to lunch.
Nuria. Why not?
Waldemar. One, it was around three in the afternoon. The girls brushing their teeth would be the last ones to go to lunch, and even if there were other workers who left when this group of girls arrived from their theoretical lunch, it would not make sense to hire more than three workers to care for the store.
Nuria. You thought this through while looking for your perfect bowl?
Waldemar. On one of the shelves was what I thought was the perfect bowl. Good weight, even shape, natural lines, but the noise of the brushing got to my head. I could feel hundreds of bristles brushing the inside of my skull. Che-che-che-che. I didn’t feel right about buying the bowl, so I left the store to clear my head.
Nuria. Are you going to go back?
Waldemar. Probably, but not at three o’clock. Thinking about it, it was the perfect bowl after all, but it would have been strange if I went out and came back in again.
Nuria. That would have been strange?
End. Che-che-che-che

Jacek. The Super left his keys in one of the stairway doors.
Florin. Really? Do you have them?
Jacek. I struggled with the notion of taking the keys. If I had access to the entire apartment building, what would I do? Stealing would be too easy, but then I thought I should just go into an apartment and see what came to me.
Florin. You broke into an apartment?
Jacek. I knocked on the door first to make sure no one was in. Do they have a name for the occasional dizziness you have when you go into another person’s place? It was the same apartment as mine, but made different because of the arrangement of the furniture, and this particular couple’s love for things apple.
Florin. Apple?
Jacek. They had a bowl of apples, photos of apples, I checked to see what kind of soap they had, and it was an apple scent.
Florin. Was there apple cider in the refrigerator?
Jacek. Yes, there was, and I poured myself a drink. There’s an interesting offsetting balance when pouring cider from a plastic jug. I sat down at their kitchen table looking out their window. They have a nice view of the park. When I was done, I washed the glass and left.
Florin. You enjoyed it, didn’t you?
Jacek. I was expecting them to come in and catch me drinking their apple cider. I wonder what I would have done.
End. Strange Apples

Mr. Gustaw Toor. Wait. What do you have in your hand?
Marcin Toor. It’s a tape.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Is that one of mine?
Marcin Toor. Yeah, but Dad. I checked to see if you had the CD to it, and you do.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Wait a minute. What are you going to do with it?
*Marcin Toor pauses
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Marcin.
Marcin Toor. Yes?
Mr. Gustaw Toor. What are you going to do with my tape?
Marcin Toor. It’s windy outside.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Yes?
Marcin Toor. And we were going to fly the tape.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. What do you mean? Are you going to use the tape as string or something for a kite?
Marcin Toor. No.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Would you like to tell me what you’re going to do then?
Marcin Toor. The tape is really light, right?
Mr. Gustaw Toor. Right?
Marcin Toor. So the tape kind of flies in the wind if we pull it out of the case.
Mr. Gustaw Toor. That’s what you’re going to do? Fly the tape?
Marcin Toor. Can we use your tape?
Mr. Gustaw Toor. You should have asked me before I asked what was in your hand. Yes, and go.
End. Fly the Tape

Pawel. If a car would hit me, I wonder if I could avoid major injury to myself.
Moune. What brings this on?
Pawel. We cross streets all the time. One of these times, some psycho’s going to mow me and others down.
Moune. You not getting paranoid on me now, are you?
Pawel. I’ve been hit by a car before.
Moune. Were you okay?
Pawel. Yeah, the car wasn’t going full speed though. I went in front of a car going in reverse, then the driver just went into drive and hit me. I stumbled onto her roof.
Moune. This is why you’re preparing yourself for another accident with a car?
Pawel. Maybe. I’m a little disappointed in myself.
Moune. Why?
Pawel. If I could not avoid a car hitting me at say five miles an hour, how am I supposed to avoid a car going forty-five?
Moune. Do you have a pen on you?
Pawel. Why?
Moune. So I can write, “Hello, my name is Pawel. If you try to hit me with your car, I will not be able to avoid you. Have fun.”
Pawel. Here comes a car now.
End. Dodging Cars

Anja. I’ve been sleeping in my clothes lately.
Gamil. Really? Is it comfortable?
Anja. It’s not as if I mean to. I just want to lie down to take a short nap, but then I wake up at around four in the morning with my clothes on. Then I get my clothes off the side of the bed and go back to sleep. I’ve been doing this for days now.
Gamil. When have you been going to sleep?
Anja. Around eight.
Gamil. Eight? What are you? Seventy-four?
Anja. I’m not even sleeping a deep sleep. I’m always waking up and consider getting up to get my clothes off or at least get up to brush my teeth, but I can’t move. I don’t feel like moving, so I go back to sleep with my clothes on, but sometimes, I’ll take off my socks with my toes.
Gamil. If you want, I can come and take your clothes off for you.
Anja. Um, no.
Gamil. It was worth the try.
End. Wrinkled Articles

Guus. I thought I saw Sabiene the other day.
Bieke. You thought?
Guus. But it wasn’t her. It was as close to being her without being her.
Bieke. Okay?
Guus. Was taking the subway during rush hour, and there’s this girl that gives me the first impression that it could be Sabiene. It might have been her hair in a bun and her ears. So, I’m trying to figure out if she’s Sabiene or not.
Bieke. When was the last time you saw her?
Guus. It’s got to be three years now. We had dinner in Little Italy.
Bieke. But the girl in the subway wasn’t her?
Guus. She was cradling a pack of papers close to her breast. The one sheet I could read was a paper by Ward Ravet on planning or something of that nature.
Bieke. And Sabiene’s an architect.
Guus. Right. I had to check the name again. I thought maybe I misread it and the essay was written by this girl, but no. It was written by Ward Ravet for the University of Pennsylvania.
Bieke. She went to Wesley, didn’t she?
Guus. Yeah.
Bieke. I don’t know, Guus.
Guus. What?
Bieke. I didn’t know you were interested in Sabiene.
Guus. I ... um ... what?
End. Holding After Three Years

Maimouna. Lode, come over here. This is my friend, Eleni.
Eleni. Hi, Maimouna’s told me much about you. Is your finger okay?
Lode. It’s nice to finally meet you, and yes. The finger’s healing nicely.
Eleni. Are you treating Maimouna well?
Lode. As well as I can.
Eleni. Because if I hear you're treating her wrong, I’m going to put my foot in you.
Lode. And what lovely feet they are.
End. Foot Pressure

Katrijn. Hugues? Hi. Good morning.
Hugues. Hello? Um, Good morning?
Katrijn. We met the other day. At Veronique’s apartment?
Hugues. Okay? I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t remember. I met a lot of people that night.
Katrijn. Yeah, I understand. Veronique introduced you to everyone.
Hugues. You know, I don’t remember anyone from that night. I just remember Veronique taking my arm and introducing me to this person and that person.
Katrijn. Have you talked to Veronique lately?
Hugues. You know? No, I haven’t. Not since the party.
Katrijn. She's still upset with you.
Hugues. What? Why?
Katrijn. You don’t remember?
Hugues. No, it’s weird. I wasn’t drinking, was I?
Katrijn. Your hair. What do you think happened to it?
Hugues. I was wondering what happened to it.
Katrijn. You used Veronique’s scissors to cut your hair in her living room.
Hugues. That’s how it happened?
Katrijn. You were screaming that you were sorry and didn’t want to meet any more people then went unconscious.
Hugues. Oh, who took me home?
Katrijn. I did.
Hugues. What’s you’re name?
Katrijn. Katrijn.
Hugues. Katrijn?
Katrijn. Yes.
Hugues. Thank you. It’s almost time for dinner. Would you like to get something to eat?
End. Stop Introducing Hugues

Jaak. There was a fight in the library.
Nolle. Really? What happened?
Jaak. I’m not sure. I got there late. You could hear one of the guy’s voice echoing down the halls. He’s yelling something about Faulkner.
Nolle. Faulkner made him violent? What about the other guy?
Jaak. I don’t know. I guess he was defending Faulkner.
Nolle. So it was about Faulkner?
Jaak. I guess so. It was kind of funny. I wanted to start a library brawl and start wailing on the guy next to me. It was a nice change of pace so see everybody up out from the tables, laughing and enjoying the spectacle.
Nolle. We should start a fight in the library too. I’ve always wanted to get kicked out of the library.
Jaak. Let’s go to a smaller one. I’m not ready to be banned by the library yet.
End. Library Violence

Mout. Hey, you nearly hit my eye. What are you trying to do? Blind me?
Daja. I didn’t consider that, but thinking about it, it would be a bonus.
Mout. What is wrong with you? Stop throwing rocks at me. If you’re going to throw anything at me, think bigger, like pillows or bean bags.
Daja. You have become my personal devil. Every year, I set some time to throw stones at my devil.
Mout. I’ve never been a part of someone’s belief system before. Watch it, you almost got the other eye.
Daja. You’re so evil. These stone are too good for you.
Mout. Good good, go and find something sharper. I think I'll catch a bus to a warm and sunny place.
End. Rocks to Sand

Boeme. Hey, what’s wrong?
Josine. I’m not normal.
Boeme. You just figured this out?
Josine. Maybe I knew that I'm not, but now, I almost want to be.
Boeme. What happened?
Josine. Before going to work, I planned to go to a stationary store to buy a pen. There’s this store that I just found, and it seemed like a pretty nice store. It wasn’t the best laid out, nor did it have the biggest selection, but I think I liked it because it was on my way to work. Anyway, I went today to get a pen, but when I walked up to the store, all there was was the sign above the front window. The whole store was cleaned out. There’s absolutely nothing left.
Boeme. Wait. How does this make you not normal?
Josine. That's the thing. I actually enjoyed the fact that the store was cleaned out. I stayed there, staring into the store, imagining the owner watching his store diminish pen by pen, paper by paper.
Boeme. Maybe the store moved.
Josine. There was no sign, but I didn’t want to believe that they moved anyway. I enjoyed the feeling I had knowing that the store is no longer there. I was even late for work. I need help, Boeme.
Boeme. I don’t know how to help you, Josine.
End. Enjoying the Loss of Others

Rimko. Where are you going? Come back.
Jeroren. Okay. You want me to do what?
Rimko. All I want you to do is scare him. Teach him a lesson.
Jeroren. That’s what I thought. I’m having nostalgic feelings of when I was in Nepal with dysentery. Excuse me. I’m going to have diarrhea.
Rimko. Wait. Here, take this.
Jeroren. What is this for?
Rimko. Use it to spill some of his blood. Not a lot, just enough to get him thinking.
Jeroren. Aw, the hollow pain in my stomach. I have to go. You’re making me sick.
Rimko. I’m serious. He needs to be taught a lesson.
Jeroren. I don’t think I can wait any longer.
Rimko. You’re not going to do it, are you?
Jeroren. A bucket. I need a bucket right now.
End. To Blow My Shakes Out
psatwentythreeone

Pepper. What are you looking for, Miles?
Miles. My trumpet. I can’t find my trumpet. It has to be here. There’s no other place where it could be. Where’s my trumpet? Where is it? Where did I put it?
Pepper. You getting the shakes again?
Miles. Not yet, but I can feel it coming. I’m on edge. This time it’s going to slice me in half. I need my trumpet. Where is it?
Pepper. Okay. Do you remember when you last played it?
Miles. It was with Trane. I can’t believe it. What is wrong with me? How do I lose my trumpet? It has to be here. I put it down right here.
Pepper. Did you call Trane? Maybe he has it.
Miles. I’ll kill him if he has it. He knows that’s my trumpet. It takes my shakes away. I got them bad. I can feel it. Look at my hands.
Pepper. I’ll give him a call, Miles. You just sit down. Have a drink. Do you have something to drink in here?
Miles. I don’t need no drink. I need my trumpet.
Pepper. I’ll give Trane a call. You just sit tight.
Miles. He better not have my trumpet. I’ll kill him. Where’s my trumpet? Why can’t I see it? It should be somewhere where I can see it. The shakes are coming, Pepper. They’re coming. I need my trumpet to blow my shakes out.
End. To Blow My Shakes Out
onesamsixteentwentythree

Ayala. I’m thinking of quitting my job.
Maurtis. Right now?
Ayala. Maybe, I’m not sure.
Maurtis. Do you have a reason for quitting?
Ayala. Do you think I’m crazy?
Maurtis. Let me know the reason, and I’ll let you know if you’re crazy.
Ayala. I have this feeling I have to go to Sardinia.
Maurtis. What’s in Sardinia?
Ayala. I have no idea.
Maurtis. So, you’re going to quit and fly to Sardinia?
Ayala. I’m not sure. It’s just a feeling, but I feel like doing it. I’ve already checked prices to fly and stay in Sardinia.
Maurtis. How long would you stay?
Ayala. I don’t know. Until the feeling goes away?
Maurtis. This feeling, is it a good feeling or a bad feeling? I mean, do you want it to go away?
Ayala. Me wanting anything has nothing to do with it. It’s just a feeling inside me pushing me to go to Sardinia.
Maurtis. Sardinia? The island of Sardinia?
Ayala. Yes.
Maurtis. Do you even speak Italian?
Ayala. They don’t speak Italian there. It’s another dialect.
Maurtis. What are you going to do there?
Ayala. I don’t know.
Maurtis. Do you want my advice?
Ayala. Please.
Maurtis. I don’t think you should go until you know something.
Ayala. Like what?
Maurtis. Anything. It sounds like you need a confirmation of sorts. For example, if you meet some random person on the street and you’re having a conversation then you find out that he’s from Sardinia. Then I would say you should go.
Ayala. What is going on with me? I’m going crazy, aren’t I?
Maurtis. You’re not crazy until you go.
Ayala. I almost want to be crazy.
End. Close to Going
onesamthreeseven

Valkyrie. How long will you be away?
October. A couple of years I would think.
Valkyrie. I’ve been thinking about that.
October. About what?
Valkyrie. How long you’ll be away. We’re going to live separated lives.
October. But I’ll be back.
Valkyrie. It’s going to feel strange when you come back.
October. I would hope you would be happy.
Valkyrie. I would be, but by then, I would have gotten used to you being away.
October. I hate to think that my leaving would affect you to a large degree.
Valkyrie. At first, it would, but you know me. I’ll adjust.
October. I know you will. I will miss you though.
Valkyrie. Of course, I would miss you as well, it’s just I don’t know how I would react when you returned. It would not be the same reaction if you came only a month from now. Years are a long time.
October. I don’t think there’s anything we can do.
Valkyrie. Our friendship’s going to change, isn’t it?
October. I’m afraid so.
End. Years are a Long Time

Kader. What took you so long?
Raf. Oh, this drunk.
Kader. What happened?
Raf. I was waiting outside the bathroom and this drunk guy just comes and tries to open the door, but he can’t because someone’s already in there. It doesn’t matter though. He rattling the doorknob, banging on the door, it’s like he doesn’t realize that it’s locked and the reason why it’s locked is because someone’s in it. Anyway, I thought I would be helpful and explain the situation to him. I told him that someone was already in there, but he turns right to me, looks at me, and gives me this, “Oh, really? Someone is in there?” I tell him that he needs to wait for the person to finish, then he repeats his, “Oh really?” I really hate punk drunks.
Kader. So then what happened?
Raf. He starts shouting at me like, “Dude man, just open the door. I gotta piss. If you don’t open the door, I’m going to piss all over you and your pretty shoes.”
Kader. Was he bigger than you?
Raf. Yeah, but he was gone. I had that. So, he pushed me and I first took it. The guy’s drunk right? I’ll give drunks a little buffer to let some steam off, but this one keeps shoving me, so I ask him, “I’m not going to open the door. Are you going to piss on me?”
Kader. You did?
Raf. Then he goes, “Yeah, I’m going to piss on you.” So when he goes down to unzip his pants, I tackle him against the door, and I guess his back slammed against the doorknob cause he was writhing in pain. I stood over this poor drunk, screaming and pissing in his pants. Drunks are funny.
Kader. Yeah, I guess they are.
End. Punk Drunk

Thieu. I hate helping people.
Liesel. You hate helping people?
Thieu. Yeah, I do.
Liesel. What happened?
Thieu. It’s weird, but ...
*The refridgerator door opens
Thieu. That’s weird.
Liesel. Excuse me.
*Liesel walks to the refriderator, shifts some objects, and closes the door.
Liesel. So you hate helping people?
Thieu. Does your refridgerator always do that?
Liesel. I don’t think so. Maybe there was something in the way of the door when I last closed it.
Thieu. Yeah, well anyway, what I talking about?
Liesel. You hate helping people.
Thieu. Yeah, right. Okay. So, when I help people, and I mean I help them move something, or teach a kid how to multiply, they are so grateful that they treat me like a saint.
Liesel. This is something you don’t like?
Thieu. I’m teaching a kid how to multiply three times Liesel. Anyone can do that.
*The refridgerator door opens.
Liesel. Excuse me.
*Liesel walks to the refridgerator and inspects the hinges of the door.
Thieu. I think there’s something wrong with your door.
Liesel. Yeah, maybe.
Thieu. It’s like your refridgerator lost it’s suction.
Liesel. Is that what you call it? Suction?
Thieu. I really don’t know.
Liesel. I guess you don’t know how to fix the door.
Thieu. There’s tape.
Liesel. Did you want anything to drink?
End. Helping with the Refridgerator Door

Fannea. Hello, are you here for a haircut?
Moeder. Haircut, haircut? No, um. My hair. Can you clean my hair?
Fannea. We can wash you hair, yes. Then we can cut your hair.
Moeder. I’m sorry. I only want my hair to be cleaned.
Fannea. First wash, then cut, right?
Moeder. Just wash, please. No cut. Look at my feet.
Fannea. Your feet?
Moeder. Feet? No no, my hand. I am sorry. My English is not so good.
Fannea. It’s okay. Oh, did you hurt your hand?
Moeder. Yes, yes. I hurt my hand. I cannot use it.
Fannea. So you cannot wash your hair?
Moeder. Yes. It is difficult with one hand.
Fannea. I think I understand now. Come with me.
End. Fannea Will Wash Moeder’s Hair

Wouter. What are you doing?
Helga. I’m making dinner.
Wouter. What’s boiling in the pot?
Helga. Ramen noodles?
Wouter. And what’s in that jar?
Helga. That’s a jar of tomato sauce.
Wouter. Oh no.
Helga. What?
Wouter. You’re not going to mix the two, are you?
Helga. Yes, I am.
*Wouter strains the noodles over the sink with a strainer and tosses the noodles into the garbage.
Helga. What are you doing?
*Wouter takes the jar of tomato sauce and smashes it against the wall.
Helga. What is wrong with you!?
End. Wouter Dislikes Ramen with Tomato Sauce

Ilse. Hey, Wim.
Wim. Hey, look at this.
Ilse. A pair of pants? Where did you get those?
Wim. You know Staf?
Ilse. He gave them to you?
Wim. Yeah, they don’t fit him, so he just gave them to me.
Ilse. Very nice. What’s in the plastic bag?
Wim. It’s a bag of oranges.
Ilse. Did Staf give you those as well?
Wim. No, I bought them.
End. Only the Pants

Henk. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I feel like I need to tell someone.
Ineke. What is it?
Henk. It’s kind of personal, but it’s so strange that someone else needs to know.
Ineke. How long have we known each other?
Henk. A long time.
Ineke. You know you can trust me can’t you?
Henk. I know, I would not even mention it if I wasn’t comfortable with you.
Ineke. So, what is it?
Henk. It’s my nose hair.
Ineke. Your nose hair?
Henk. They’re turning white.
Ineke. What?
Henk. I don’t understand why. Is this what happens when you grow old? You’re nose hairs are the first to turn white?
Ineke. I don’t know. I don’t think so.
Henk. Well, they are. At least for me.
Ineke. But your hair is still brown.
Henk. My eyebrows, my armpit hair, my eye lashes, everything is brown.
Ineke. That would be weird if only your eyelashes were white.
Henk. It’s weird that only my nose hairs are white.
Ineke. Yeah, but you can hide your nose hairs. You can’t really hide your eyelashes, unless you wore mascara.
Henk. I wonder if my hair will turn white soon.
Ineke. It sounds like it.
Henk. I’ve always thought that my hair would stay brown longer than normal since I’ve lived a relatively stress free lifestyle.
Ineke. Maybe all your stress has accumulated in your nose.
Henk. Can you stop trying to look up my nose, please?
End. Only the Nose

Konstantin. I was in the subway today, and there was this girl with a digital camera.
Maya. Did you ask her out because she had a digital camera?
Konstantin. She made me nervous.
Maya. Because she was so stunning?
Konstantin. I had the feeling she was going to take a picture of me.
Maya. You were hoping she was going to take a picture of you then ask you for your number?
Konstantin. I really don’t like people taking photos of me. One time there was a newswoman taping and I had to cross the street to avoid the camera.
Maya. Is it because you are self-important?
Konstantin. But I’m working at it.
End. Camera Fear

Jelena. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
Marlies. Why? What’s going on?
Jelena. I’m starting to get headaches from drinking cold drinks.
Marlies. That’s normal though.
Jelena. Not for me. I never got headaches before.
Marlies. Really? Never?
Jelena. I didn’t understand what it meant to get a headache after drinking something cold, but now I do. It’s horrible. It’s like this glob of pain filling every hollow of my head. I feel like Christopher Reeve in Superman II.
Marlies. When he gives up his powers and experiences his blood spilling for the first time?
Jelena. Yes. I’m no longer immune to head freezes. I’m like one of you now.
Marlies. Maybe it’s a one-time deal. You should try drinking something cold again to make sure.
Jelena. I’m afraid to find out.
End. Cold Drink Fear

Seppe. Where’s my rifle?
Alek. Hold on. It’s too late to go hunting.
Seppe. I’m not hunting. I’m going to get Piet.
Alek. Piet? What happened?
Seppe. I’m going to put a hole through his body.
Alek. Kumbaya, man. Kumbaya.
Seppe. What?
End. Kumbaya

Ton. Aw, this is disgusting!
An. What is it?
Ton. This drink. I bought it by mistake.
An. What kind of drink is it?
Ton. Oh, man. *drinks* It’s like a watered down version of V8 but without tomato.
An. Oh sick. I hate V8.
Ton. It’s disgusting *drinks*, but I can’t *drinks* stop drinking it. *drinks*
An. Why?
Ton. I don’t know. There’s a hint of fruit that I actually like, *drinks* so I’m concentrating on it.
An. So you like it?
Ton. I don’t know. I’m confused.
An. Can I try some?
Ton. No! It’s mine!
End. Can’t Stop Drinking

Ulla. You’re taking everything then?
Vreni. I own it. I have the right.
Ulla. That’s fine.
Vreni. Is it? Or are you just saying that?
Ulla. No, I mean it. It’s good that you’re taking everything. I need to start my life all over again. Clean. New. I’m going to be a new person.
Vreni. Oh?
Ulla. Your things will only drag me down. For the first time in my life, I feel free.
Vreni. Ulla?
Ulla. Yes?
Vreni. Would you like the vase?
Ulla. No.
End. Take Everything

Leonid. Nalin. What are you doing?
Nalin. How many years have we been doing this, Leonid?
Leonid. Don’t move. You’re going to trigger the alarm.
Nalin. Remember how we first started? How you got the plans to that Utica bank security system? You concentrated on the circuitry until you found the backdoor.
Leonid. What are you doing? They’re going to know we’re here.
Nalin. I haven’t triggered the alarm yet.
Leonid. But if you make any more movements, you will.
Nalin. I won’t move until you’re clear. Just radio me.
Leonid. What are you doing? Do you want to get caught?
Nalin. It’s about time they knew who at least one of us was, don’t you think?
Leonid. No, no. We still have time to get out after the alarm is triggered. We just can’t take everything.
Nalin. I’m staying, Leonid.
Leonid. Don’t do this to me.
Nalin. I’m tired, Leonid. You go ahead. I’m going to stay. Just radio me when you’re clear.
End. Waiting Until Clear

Margrit. Do you smoke?
Rustam. Me? No.
Margrit. Don’t you have to?
Rustam. I don’t think so.
Margrit. Don’t all boys your age smoke?
Rustam. Um, no, what kind of propaganda have you been watching? Are the characters in your cartoon shows smoking too?
Margrit. You have to. You’re old enough.
Rustam. So are you going to smoke when you’re my age?
Margrit. Of course, are you going to start?
Rustam. I’m not going to let a nine year old tell me what to do.
Margrit. I’m ten.
End. Margrit is Ten

Alistair. She likes to drink flat soda.
Flora. Who does?
Alistair. I don’t know. It's this someone I used to know, but I can’t remember. I’m remembering small fragments of her, but who am I trying to remember?
Flora. What else do you remember?
Alistair. I cooked dinner for her once.
Flora. You cook everyone dinner.
Alistair. That’s true.
Flora. Were you interested in her?
Alistair. I can’t remember. I don’t think so, though.
Flora. But it seems like you’re trying really hard to figure who it is.
Alistair. Something about her lips. Her lips are familiar.
Flora. Have you kissed her?
Alistair. I don’t think so, but her lips. I remember how her lips would purse.
Flora. Do you know what’s going to happen?
Alistair. What do you mean?
Flora. When you finally remember this person, you’re going develop a strong, but one-sided connection towards her, but it’s not going to be genuine. It’ll only be because you’ve struggled so much to remember her.
Alistair. There’s an “H” in her name.
Flora. Will you stop?
End. It’s Not Flora

Sigrid. What’s this?
Franziska. It’s a gift for your birthday. Happy Birthday.
Sigrid. Well, gee. Thanks. I didn’t anything for you though. I’m quite embarrassed.
Franziska. Oh, shut up.
Sigrid. Should I open it now?
Franziska. Before you open it, I want to tell you a story about your gift.
Sigrid. Okay?
Franziska. I was looking for your gift at a department store the other day. I was kind of having a hard time about it. What would the perfect gift for Sigrid be?
Sigrid. Chocolates and flowers would be nice.
Franziska. Anyway, as I was looking, this little boy took my hand.
Sigrid. Did you know him?
Franziska. No, he thought I was his mother, but when he realized I wasn’t his mother, had had this look of embarrassed confusion brushed on his face. But in that moment of pretense, I actually felt like a mother. I didn’t want to let go. You can open your present now.
Sigrid. I don’t think I should.
End. Moment of Pretense

Milena. Hey, Armin.
Armin. Milena. Why are you so happy?
Milena. I’m off to go swimming.
Armin. Swimming? At the pool?
Milena. Where else? Anyways, I’ve always wanted to go, but I haven’t had the time, but now I do, so I’m finally going.
Armin. I see.
Milena. You don’t care, do you?
End. Indifferent Towards Swimming

Tamani. You’re eating, Markus.
Markus. Yes I am.
Tamani. How does it feel to eat like that?
Markus. I don’t know. I can’t stop. The food’s just going into this big hole.
Tamani. You want anything else?
Markus. What do you have?
Tamani. I can cook more pasta.
Markus. Sure.
Tamani. Let’s see, what else do I have? Actually, I don’t have much.
Markus. Really? I could eat more.
Tamani. Let’s get some cheese steak at Geno’s.
Markus. Yes. Yes. Perfect, but can we stop by Wawa along the way? I want to pick up a hoagie too.
Tamani. Good, I’ll get some coffee.
Markus. Yeah, I won’t be sleeping tonight.
End. Insatiable

Irina. So, how was it?
Herve. How was what?
Irina. You’re counseling session. Are you going back?
Herve. I think I am.
Irina. You are? Why? I thought you were going to amuse yourself and go only once.
Herve. Yeah, but.
Irina. You enjoyed it, didn’t you? You enjoyed talking about yourself.
Herve. She’s originally from Baltimore, probably went to Berkley for her PhD, at least somewhere in San Francisco.
Irina. Yeah?
Herve. She’s been to Philadelphia, but I’m not sure why. Maybe a previous job. She also specializes in eating disorders.
Irina. She told you all this?
Herve. Not really. I kind of have to figure it out myself. We were talking about Philadelphia and she knew the places I’ve been to. And I saw in her bookshelf a book about eating disorders.
Herve. Maybe she has an eating disorder.
Irina. I would not keep a book about eating disorders on a bookshelf if I had an eating disorder, though she did drink a diet Canada Dry during our session.
Irina. You might want to keep an eye out on that. What else do you know about her?
Herve. She’s seen “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” “Annie Hall,” but a long time ago, “Good Will Hunting,” “Deconstructing Harry,” and some movie called “Mr. Jealousy.”
Irina. Never heard of it.
Herve. It something about a counseling group session gone wrong.
Irina. Makes sense.
Herve. She does not seem to enjoy the cold, or maybe she's just sensitive to it. During the session, she kept her arms folded, even when walking me out of her office.
Irina. Maybe she’s insecure.
Herve. No, when talking to her, she tries to maintain eye contact. She even bends over to meet my eyes if I’m looking down.
Irina. Is she married?
Herve. And pregnant, she’s showing a bit.
Irina. Maybe it’s her eating disorder.
Herve. I don’t know, maybe.
Irina. So you’re going back to see her?
Herve. Yeah, I don’t think I know her well enough.
Irina. You’re not supposed to know her.
Herve. Well, she’s leaving too many signs of her life. I’m a bit curious. That, and she looks like Uma Thurman.
Irina. I knew it.
End. Ulterior Counseling

Fritz. I heard that you have a metal detector.
Laurent. No? Where did you hear that?
Fritz. Don’t you scour the beaches to find what the rich tourists drop in the sand?
Laurent. No?
Fritz. So what was the most valuable thing you’ve found?
Laurent. Am I here? Can you see me?
Fritz. Yes?
Laurent. What’s my name?
Fritz. You’re name?
Laurent. Amuse me. What’s my name?
Fritz. Your name is Felix, Felix.
Laurent. No, it’s not. It’s Laurent.
Fritz. What?
Laurent. What’s your name?
Fritz. My name?
Laurent. Yeah. You do know what you’re name is, don’t you?
Fritz. No. I don’t know what my name is.
Laurent. Are you Fritz?
End. Laurent is not Fritz

Gad. So what’s the plan?
Hasso. When I set the exterior alarm off, a security car will come to check it out. It takes about fifteen minutes in light traffic and up to half an hour in heavy traffic. Pay attention to congestion. We go pending traffic.
Gad. Thirty minutes? What kind of security company is this?
Hasso. It’s one of those companies that only provide a false sense of security. You pay for sensors, an alarm, and a sign saying that you have a security system. They’re like insurance companies. They take your money and hope you never have an alarm.
Gad. So, what happens when the security car comes?
Hasso. There’s only going to be one guard that will come. We’ll just wait for him. He’ll only see me when he comes. You’ll be out of the way. He’ll see how small I am, and won’t be threatened. If he saw you, he might have other thoughts.
Gad. That’s true.
Hasso. Before he asks me what I’m doing there, I’ll explain to him how embarrassed I am to set off the alarm, that I was just waiting for a friend who works here, but I was just checking to see if she was inside the office, to surprise her. Anyways, he’s going to open the office to check the alarm and the rest of the office. This is when you come in.
Gad. Okay.
Hasso. The lock to one of the office doors is located on the bottom of the door as well as on the handle. I’ll be conversing with him about his job when you surprise and knock him out while he’s on his knees.
Gad. Then we’re in.
Hasso. But we’ve got to use his car as a blockade on the street. It’ll give us more time to get out.
Gad. Can I do that?
Hasso. Sorry, you need to move the cases into the van. I’ll move the security car.
Gad. So the cases go in the van, and that’s that?
Hasso. That’s that.
Gad. To heavy traffic.
Hasso. Heavy traffic.
End. To Heavy Traffic

One.
Cashier Birgit. Can’t sleep?
Goten. Excuse me?
Cashier Birgit. The pills. You can’t sleep?
Goten. No, I guess I can’t.
Cashier Birgit. My sister had insomnia once. She almost went crazy.
Goten. I’m not going crazy.
Cashier Birgit. I’m sorry, sir. That’ll be five thirty-nine.

Two.
Cashier Mariana. Can I recommend something do you?
Goten. What is it?
Cashier Mariana. I’ve taken these sleep aids before.
Goten. Oh.
Cashier Mariana. You should get the store brand. They’re cheaper and are exactly the same.
Goten. I see. If you don’t mind, I’m in kind of a hurry. I’ll just these. Maybe next time.
Cashier Mariana. Sure, I’ll ring this up for you over here.

Three.
Cashier Ioana. Six forty-three is your change.
Goten. Thank you.
Cashier Ioana. I hope you’ll be able to sleep.
Goten. Thank you. I hope so too.

Four.
Cashier Anneliese. I’m sorry, I have to get a price check on these pills.
Goten. Oh, okay.
Cashier Anneliese. Lutz? Need a price check on four. Price check on four.
Goten. I can go check myself.
Cashier Anneliese. No, you stay here. It’ll be quick. So, you can’t sleep huh?
Goten. Can I ask you a question?
Cashier Anneliese. Sure.
Goten. If I were to ring up acne medication, and it had to be priced checked, would you ask if I had pimples?
Cashier Anneliese. No, I guess I wouldn’t.
Goten. How about Preparation H? Would you ask about my hemorrhoids?
Cashier Anneliese. Of course not.
Goten. Then why sleeping pills?
Cashier Anneliese. I don’t know, it doesn’t seem as embarrassing. There’re no secrets in not being able to sleep.
Goten. I guess that makes sense.
Cashier Anneliese. It’s like cold medicine. I sometimes ask people about their colds when they buy cold medicine. There’s hardly anything embarrassing about having a cold. I guess I feel bad for you not being able to sleep.
Goten. I see.
Lutz. Need a price check, Anneliese?

Five.
Goten. I heard you had invisible pills and I want to purchase some.
Imperial Megathere. Invisible pills? Are you a voyeur, are you?
Goten. No.
Imperial Megathere. Then why do you want invisible pills? Do you want to disappear?
Goten. Yes.
End. No Secrets in Not Sleeping

Antonella. Where were you?
Renate. Yesterday?
Antonella. Yeah.
Renate. I snuck into the building.
Antonella. You did? How?
Renate. I picked the lock.
Antonella. What about the alarm?
Renate. I waited for security to arrive, but they could not find me.
Antonella. Where did you hide?
Renate. In my locker. I left it unlocked before I left work.
Antonella. They didn’t find you?
Renate. No. They almost did though.
Antonella. What about the cameras?
Renate. I wore a mask wore a shirt that said, “Bob.”
Antonella. You’re so weird.
Renate. It took me months to pick that type of lock quickly.
Antonella. So what did you do in there?
Renate. It’s different when no one is in the building.
Antonella. Did you steal anything?
Renate. No.
Antonella. So you just broke into the building for no reason?
Renate. It was an extreme lonely quiet. All the computers were off. You could only hear the vending machine humming, which made everything else more quiet. What?
Antonella. You’re going back again, aren’t you?
Renate. I’ve got to go again before they get dogs.
End. Extreme Lonely Quiet

Greta. Do you know what your problem is?
Tommaso. What is my problem?
Greta. You can only have me all to yourself. You cannot share me.
Tommaso. No, I guess I can’t.
Greta. I don’t think you’ve ever met any of my friends.
Tommaso. Do you think I should?
Greta. It would be normal, wouldn’t it?
Tommaso. But is there something wrong with our friendship?
Greta. I think so. I’m isolated from everyone when I’m with you. It’s just us Tommaso, then everyone else.
Tommaso. You’re the only one I can trust.
Greta. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t be the only one. Think about it. How can I be the only one you trust? Was it by chance that out of all the people you could have met that I would be the one person you can trust?
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I can’t be the only one. There has to be other people you can trust. I can’t believe that I’m the only one.
Tommaso. There might be others that I can trust, but I only need one person I can trust, and you’re the one.
Greta. I wish I wasn’t, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I’m leading two different lives. One with you, and one with the rest of the world. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m exhausted, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What are you going to do?
Greta. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just telling you how I feel.
Tommaso. What will make you happy?
Greta. I don’t know anymore.
End. Greta Greta

Ettore. Here you are.
Elke. Hey, Ettore.
Ettore. I don’t think there are many things lonelier than swimming at a hotel pool at night.
Elke. Eating a cup of yogurt in your car during an autumn drizzle is up there, but I’m not swimming.
Ettore. Oh? What are you doing then?
Elke. I’m just watching the reflection of the pool water against the ceiling.
Ettore. Geeze, that might be lonelier than swimming at night. Do you mind if I sit next to you.
Elke. No, go ahead. Do you want a stone?
Ettore. What? Why?
Elke. So you can throw it into the pool. Here.
Ettore. Okay? So I just throw it in?
Elke. Watch how the stone affects the pool’s reflection.
Ettore. Okay.
*Ettore throws the stone
Ettore. Now what?
Elke. Quiet. You can hear the stone float down to the bottom of the pool.
Ettore. Wow, there’s no way for me to leave.
Elke. I’m sorry?
End. Puh-tuh

Babe. Hey.
Honey. Hey, Babe. I’m sorry. Did I wake you?
Babe. Yeah, it’s okay. Are you dressed?
Honey. Yeah, I am.
Babe. Are you going somewhere?
Honey. I’m going to go driving.
Babe. What time is it?
Honey. It’s almost one.
Babe. One o’clock? Come to bed. It’s too late to go anywhere.
Honey. That’s why I’m going now, Babe.
Babe. What do you mean?
Honey. No one’s going to be on the road. I’ll be able to drive without traffic.
Babe. Is that why you’re going out?
Honey. Yeah. The traffic here depresses me. Now’s the only chance I can enjoy driving.
Babe. I hate the traffic here.
Honey. I know.
Babe. Hon?
Honey. Yeah, Babe?
Babe. I’m taking the other car.
End. No One Driving, but Honey and Babe

One.
Nyanta. So, what did you think of the movie?
Nimon. I thought the director’s efforts were a step down from his previous two films. I’m disappointed, really. I thought the director had a lot of potential to do great things.
Nyanta. It’s a light comedy. Didn’t you enjoy it?
Nimon. I thought the combination of the camera work and the comedy didn’t mix well together. It was like watching two different movies.
Nyanta. What if they were separate movies? Would you like them then?
Nimon. I would not because the characters were weak, thus weakening the tension of the plot. Actually, there was no tension.
Nyanta. Remind me never to watch a movie with you again.

Two.
Nyanta. How’s your dish?
Nimon. I’ve had better in another restaurant.
Nyanta. Really? Which one?
Nimon. Have you heard of Le Sans Souci?
Nyanta. No, where is it?
Nimon. Rome. The sauce does have the same sort of richness of Le Sans Souci, and the ratio of herbs is unfocused. The chef just threw herbs in the dish without any thought.
Nyanta. So you don’t like it?
Nimon. It’s just better when I had it in Rome.
Nyanta. Remind me never to go to a restaurant with you again.

Three.
Nyanta. So how was your date with Bamela?
Nimon. She is a nervous kisser. She was not sure how to handle her hands, and she was shifting back and forth.
Nyanta. You kissed her?
Nimon. I took her hand and drew her towards me and we kissed.
Nyanta. But you didn’t enjoy it?
Nimon. Her nervousness made the experience less enjoyable.
Nyanta. Remind me never to date you ever.
End. Deconstruction of Life

One.
Attila. Leyla?
Leyla. Yes?
Attila. I lost you. Where are you?
Leyla. We’re in Chinatown, on Race, going east towards ninth.
Attila. Chinatown? What’s she doing in Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. How did you lose us?
Attila. Oh, I stopped to get a pretzel.
Leyla. You and your pretzels.
Attila. Has she gone into any stores?
Leyla. Not really. She seems to know people here though.
Attila. Why?
Leyla. People just come up to her and greet her. Hold on, now she’s turned south on ninth, which doesn’t make any sense.
Attila. Why is that?
Leyla. Because she came from Market East Station. She’s going in circles.
Attila. She has to know that she’s being followed.
Leyla. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen me.
Attila. Those people greeting her. They’re telling her where you are.
Leyla. You’re right. I have to stop.
Attila. No, wait. We have to figure out why she’s there. What’s around Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. Reading Terminal, the Convention Center, Greyhound.
Attila. Greyhound? It’s a little past 7:00. She’s going there. Find out what buses are leaving within the next two hours.
Leyla. Okay, I’ll call you back.

Two.
Leyla. Attila?
Attila. What do you have?
Leyla. Pick me up. We’re going to Harrisburg.
End. Attila Throws His Pretzel Away

Attila. Hey.
Leyla. Hey.
Attila. Where are you?
Leyla. I’m on Locust past 15th walking towards Rittenhouse Square.
Attila. Do you see her?
Leyla. She’s a couple meters ahead of me.
Attila. Did she see you?
Leyla. I don’t think so. Who normally thinks their being followed?
Attila. Well, good. Anything interesting happen so far?
Leyla. Not really. She bought a pretzel on the street. Hey, Attila?
Attila. Yes?
Leyla. Why am I following her? I mean, why don’t you do it?
Attila. Because if she sees me, she’ll know that I’m following her. If she sees you, then it’s just mere coincidence.
Leyla. Did you already go to get the toaster for me?
Attila. Yes, I did. $100. Who buys a $100 toaster?
Leyla. It’s nice isn’t it? I’ll make you some toast when this is all done. Wait a minute.
Attila. What is it?
Leyla. I think there’s someone else following Iroda.
Attila. What? Who is it?
Leyla. I don’t know him. I noticed him when we got off the Walnut-Locust Station. I’m pretty sure he’s following her.
Attila. Where is he?
Leyla. He’s across the street and ahead of me.
Attila. I wonder if anyone else is following her.
Leyla. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Attila, he’s crossing the street.
Attila. Where’s Iroda?
Leyla. She’s turning into a street. The guy’s approaching her.
Attila. Which street?
Leyla. Mozart Place.
Attila. Mozart Place? That’s a tiny alley street. Why is she going there?
Leyla. Attila, the guy has a knife. I have to go.
Attila. Wait wait, Leyla? Hello?
End. Never Reaching Rittenhouse Square

Florella. Octavian.
Octavian. Hi, Florella.
Florella. I heard that you’re going to start your revolution against the mayor.
Octavian. It’s true.
Florella. Are you going to cut down your bamboo?
Octavian. Do you remember when we talked about my decision to cut down the bamboo?
Florella. You said that you would cut down your bamboo when you hated the mayor more than you love your bamboo. Is that how you feel?
Octavian. I still love my bamboo. They’re like my children, but the mayor cannot imprison the town anymore.
Florella. Then why do you have to cut your bamboo down?
Octavian. So I can make spears and tools for the revolution.
Florella. You’re definitely going to do it? You’re going to cut down the bamboo?
Octavian. I’m afraid so. Florella. What’s that?
Florella. It’s my father’s sword.
Octavian. Why have you brandished it?
End. To Stop Octavian

Ernst. I almost died today.
Karoly. What? What happened?
Ernst. I was riding my bike to the grocery store, you know, for dinner, but you know how it was slippery out today.
Karoly. Yeah, because of the rain.
Ernst. Traffic was heavy, so I decided to ride on the sidewalk, but when I tried to get on to the sidewalk, my tires lost traction and I slid into a bush.
Karoly. Were you okay?
Ernst. I just scraped my palms trying to catch myself, but look at this. See the red mark on my throat?
Karoly. How did that happen?
Ernst. When I fell, I fell towards the end of tree branch on the ground.
Karoly. That was from a tree branch?
Ernst. If I didn’t stop, it would have gone through my neck.
Karoly. But you’re okay right?
Ernst. I am, but I can’t stop thinking what would have happened to me if the stick actually went through. How much blood there would be? How hard would it to breathe? I’d probably choke on my own blood.
Karoly. Stop, why are you saying that?
Ernst. I would have died helplessly, Karoly. I would have died watching the traffic go by.
End. Neck Unscarred

Werner. She’s driving me crazy, Brigitte.
Brigitte. Who’s driving you crazy?
Werner. Odilia.
Brigitte. Odilia? What did she do to you?
Werner. Okay, so we meet occasionally.
Brigitte. Right?
Werner. So, when she leaves, I hear Astrud Gilberto singing.
Brigitte. The Girl From Ipanema?
Werner. Yes.
Brigitte. What’s wrong with that? That would be cool if a guy heard that song if I left them.
Werner. Why her, though?
Brigitte. Why not her?
Werner. We’re just friends. I’d think if I heard a song from anyone when they left, the person would have a closer relationship than I have with Odilia.
Brigitte. Maybe somewhere in your subconscious, you want to like her more than a friend.
Werner. Maybe somewhere in my principal conscious, we’re just friends. What’s the point of a subconscious when my principal one rules? Really, my subconscious is overrated.
Brigitte. But, the song. You can’t deny the song.
Werner. My principal conscious needs to teach my subconscious a hard lesson in life.
Brigitte. Here comes Odilia now.
Werner. Oh.
Odilia. Hey, guys.
Werner. Oh, hey Odilia.
Brigitte. Hey, Odilia.
Odilia. What are you up to?
Brigitte. We’re talking about the subconscious.
Odilia. Oh really? Oh actually, I have to go now, I’m kind of late. I’ll see you guys later. Bye, Werner. Bye, Brigitte.
Werner. Dark and tan, and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking ...
Brigitte. ... and when she passes, it’s when she passes goes, ah ...
End. Ipanema Subconscious

Radek. What happened to you?
Maqui. What do you mean?
Radek. Your knuckles. They have two pen marks on them.
Maqui. Oh, right. I was writing my number for a person I just met, and when I went to cap my pen, I missed and marked my knuckles instead.
Radek. Was it because you were nervous?
Maqui. Actually, he was the one who was nervous. He couldn’t think of the word, “phone number” when he asked me for it. He was like, “Do you think I could have your ... your ... that thing, to contact you?”
Radek. Sounds like a real confident guy.
Maqui. Yeah, there was something interesting about his character though. I’m curious enough to meet him again. I wonder what he’ll be like if he calls me.
Radek. He’ll probably read from a card of what he’ll say to you.
Maqui. Haha, yeah. I used to do that when ordering pizza. I was so hard on myself when I was younger. I wanted to order pizza perfectly, without hesitation. I wrote out the greeting, my phone number, the address, explaining that I have a coupon, the order itself, and then ask how much it would be.
Radek. I’ve heard you order pizza. You’re very good.
Maqui. Thank you. I’ve practiced a lot.
End. Ordering Pizza Perfectly

Raemon. I got a new cell phone today.
Tamarine. Really? Do you like it?
Raemon. Yeah, I guess I do.
Tamarine. Don’t you choose the last four numbers?
Raemon. Yeah, it’s five-eight-five-two.
Tamarine. What’s that?
Raemon. That used to be the last four numbers of the home number where I grew up.
Tamarine. I see.
Raemon. But we sold the house, so it’s no longer home.
Tamarine. But you still have the number.
End. Keeping Five-Eight-Five-Two

Renato. I have to question companies that actually hire me.
Anka. What do you mean?
Renato. I mean. They must know that I’m under qualified for the position. Why do they keep hiring me?
Anka. You probably do a good job.
Renato. I don’t really. If I do anything, I make things more difficult for the company.
Anka. So, what are you going to do?
Renato. What do you mean?
Anka. Well, if you question the company that hires you, then who can you work for?
Renato. I’ve decided that I will have to lie about my qualifications so when they do hire me, it’ll be under false pretenses.
Anka. This will make you feel better?
Renato. Sure. I know companies should not hire me, but they still do. So, under false pretenses can they only hire me.
Anka. So, you kind of feel guilty for being hired. You feel like you don’t deserve be hired by a company.
Renato. I guess so. I think I won’t feel as bad, if I lie about my qualifications.
Anka. But they’re hiring you now because of your qualifications.
Renato. But my qualifications should not allow me to be hired.
Anka. Oh. Then why don’t you try to be qualified, so that when you are hired, the company is making a right decision?
Renato. Come on.
Anka. What?
Renato. This is me you’re talking about.
Anka. That’s true. Hahahahaha.
Renato. Hahahahaha.
End. Slipping In

Uors. Hello.
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. I’m a friend of Krumm’s
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. He told me that you have an extra train ticket to go to Bhopal.
Rosalinda. I do.
Uors. Is it possible for you to donate the ticket? To me?
Rosalinda. Donate? I think a trade would be better. Why do you want to go to Bhopal? The land is poison there.
Uors. There is a woman who needs reading glasses. I want to give her a pair.
Rosalinda. A philanthropist, however I am not. For a ticket to Bhopal in order to give a woman reading glasses, you must get me a ticket to a Broadway show in New York City.
Uors. I can do this, only if I will be able to accompany you to the Broadway show.
Rosalinda. You will accompany to the Broadway show only if you buy me dinner at Elaine’s.
Uors. Deal. Let’s shake on it.
Rosalinda. I must warn you. I cannot carry interesting conversations and I am thirty-nine years old.
Uors. That’s fine. I’ve always been bad with math.
End. Glasses for Elaine’s

One.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Happy birthday, Kiti.
Kiti. Thank you, Daddy. What did you get me?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Open it.
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear! What’s this thing?
Mr. Thierry Caron. It’s a water bottle. The bear’s name is Mr. Buress.
Kiti. Oh, but the water bottle is outside the bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. That’s why we have to perform a water bottle implant procedure. Then it’ll be just like that $51,000.00 teddy bear you wanted in that catalogue.
Kiti. Really? We’re going to perform the operation?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes. Are you ready? This is an extremely invasive procedure.
Kiti. I am.

Three.
Kiti. How long do we have to wait for Mr. Buress to get better?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Well, we had that unexpected accident, but I think we recovered from it very nicely.
Kiti. Mr. Buress is my first patient. I don’t want to lose my first patient.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Mr. Buress was in great health when I purchased him. He used to be a winger on a New Zealand rugby team and ran the Iron Man Triathlon in Hawaii twice only to place third and then second the following year.
Kiti. I bet he would have been first this year.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Probably, but he’s gone through a major operation, and he needs a lot of time to recover.
Kiti. I’ll take good care of him.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I know you will.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure - Recovery

Two.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Don’t we need to anesthetize him first?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh yes. Prepare the anesthesia.
Kiti. Okay, Mr. Buress? I will be applying the anesthesia now. Just breathe normally and count to ten. He is ready, Daddy.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Dr. Caron.
Kiti. Sorry. Dr. Caron. Mr. Buress is ready for the water bottle implant procedure.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Nurse Caron. Will you sterilize the area of incision?
Kiti. The area is sterilized, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Scalpel.
Mr. Thierry Caron. There’s more spillage than I anticipated. We need more receptacles to hold the matter.
Kiti. Here, Doctor. We can hold the matter in these jars.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Very good. How are Mr. Buress’s vital signs?
Kiti. His vitals are still intact.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I will now implant the water bottle already prepared with a heated solution.
Kiti. Dr. Caron. Why are we implanting an activated water bottle into Mr. Buress? Shouldn’t the bottle be inactive?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I need to observe how Mr. Buress’s body will react to an activated foreign implant. If the body rejects the implant, then I need to remove the implant before I close.
Kiti. I understand.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I have implanted the water bottle. Now we should observe how Mr. Buress’s body reacts to the implant. Nurse Caron, How are his signs?
Kiti. They are still holding.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Good. We’ll observe for a couple more minutes.
Kiti. Doctor, there is a rupture in the implant! The heated solution is spilling into Mr. Buress.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Quickly, prepare the heating element. I will remove the implant. We need to extract the solution from his cavity.
Kiti. The heating element is ready, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Set the element on low and extract the solution. We have to make sure extraction is complete to prevent infection.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure

Res Timoteo. Sir, will you drink this? It’s a new drink I have developed.
Dr. G. Gage. What is it?
Res Timoteo. It does everything you want. It hydrates you, it gives you more energy, you can run faster, jump higher, type faster, read faster, spelling is easier, your IQ raises by 10 points, you’ll be able to remember things you’ve forgotten, you’ll be able read people’s minds, your face will clear up, food digests easier, your eye sight will improve, you’ll be able to see at night, your teeth will straighten, things just taste better, your posture will straighten, you’ll be able to play the guitar, it’ll take ten people to bring you down, you’ll be able to speak another language except for some Asian languages, you’ll develop a British accent, you’ll be able to breath underwater, you won’t get sick, you won’t sunburn, it’s takes all sicknesses right out of your body and into a little jar, you’ll be able to predict the future, you’ll be able to move small objects with your mind, people of the opposite sex will be attracted to you, you’ll make friends, you’ll never be lonely again, you will be given great jobs, fair loans, you’ll be able to travel to any place you want, you won’t get into any accidents, you’ll drive like a professional, people will not try to harm you, and clothes will fit you.
Dr. G. Gage. Wow, you’ve done it, Timoteo. You’ve created the greatest drink in the world.
Res Timoteo. And it doesn’t taste like coffee, but rather it tastes like the aroma of coffee.
Dr. G. Gage. Amazing. Our company will surpass all beverage companies because of you.
Res Timoteo. Thank you, sir.
*Dr. G. Gage drinks
Dr. G. Gage. Um, Timoteo?
Res Timoteo. Yes, sir?
Dr. G. Gage. Can you make one adjustment?
Res Timoteo. Sir?
Dr. G. Gage. It’s very good, and I’m remembering what my uncle whispered to me when I was a boy, but can you make it taste a little more like chalky medicine? I think a drink like this should taste like medicine, don’t you? Timoteo? Where are you going?
End. Res Timoteo Quits

Jobert. Hi, Nina.
Nina. Hi, Jobert.
Jobert. Have you seen Leger lately?
Nina. Leger?
Jobert. Yeah, there’s something going on, but I don’t know what it is. He won’t tell me.
Nina. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jobert. What do you mean?
Nina. I don’t know anything about Leger.
Jobert. Okay?
Nina. Can we talk about something else?
Jobert. So, what do you want for breakfast?
Nina. I’m not hungry.
Jobert. Really? Are you feeling okay?
Nina. I’m fine, please let’s not talk about it.
Jobert. Nina.
Nina. What?
Jobert. What is going on? What happened between you and Leger?
Nina. Leger? I don’t even know who Leger is.
Jobert. You don’t?
Nina. No, I don’t. I never met him in my life.
Jobert. Okay. So you’re not going to eat anything?
Nina. I have to go.
Jobert. What? Now?
Nina. Yeah, I’m sorry. I just remembered something. I have to go now. We’ll have breakfast another time, okay?
Jobert. What is going on with you?
Nina. I told you. I don’t know who Leger is!
End. No Idea

Corentin. Here touch this.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a Chinese quince.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a fruit. Touch it.
Neulla. Touch it? Why?
Corentin. What are you afraid of?
Neulla. Why? Is it disgusting?
Corentin. No, it’s rather nice.
Neulla. I don’t know.
Corentin. Why are you being so paranoid?
Neulla. It because no one’s ever asked me to touch fruit before. They’ve asked me to smell it, or eat it, but never specifically touch it. Why do you want me to touch it?
Corentin. Its scent will be on your hands. Do you want to do it?
Neulla. Can you?
Corentin. Ok, here. Now here, smell my hands.
Neulla. Oh, it’s nice.
Corentin. Isn’t it?
Neulla. Can I eat it?
Corentin. No.
End. Touch to Smell

Federic Mason. Good morning, Ms. Cappell. How are you this morning?
Lise Cappell. Good morning, Mr. Mason. It’s quiet so far. Aren’t you here earlier than normal?
Federic Mason. I witnessed a near accident today.
Lise Cappell. Coming to work?
Federic Mason. I was crossing the street to get to the office when this black minivan broke hard and slid a good thirty yards past behind me.
Lise Cappell. It’s slick out today with the morning mist, but there was no accident?
Federic Mason. I think the van was trying to avoid a taxi merging into the lane. Normally, cars that get into near accidents sound their horn or just drive off, but this minivan didn’t move.
Lise Cappell. That’s strange. There wasn’t any traffic?
Federic Mason. It was coming from the light down the block. I wanted to see who the driver was, but all the windows were tinted.
Lise Cappell. The driver’s heart must have been pounding in his chest.
Federic Mason. What a way to start the day.
Lise Cappell. It’s a little exciting.
Federic Mason. Yeah, everyone should start their day with near accidents.
Lise Cappell. I wonder if it’s going to be slick tomorrow.
End. Slick Morning Mist

Tomassian. I am not the center of the world. I am not the center of the world. The world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. What are you doing?
Tomassian. I’m trying to realize that I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. Do you think you are the center of the world?
Tomassian. Normally, I would say no, but on a subconscious level, I think I believe it.
Noemie. Really? I guess on some subconscious level we all think we are the center of the world.
Tomassian. I blame counselors and psychiatrists.
Noemie. What? Why?
Tomassian. You go see a counselor and they want you to talk exclusively about yourself and the things that revolve in your life. After several sessions, this way of conversing and thinking seeps in until you feel everyone wants to listen to your story and that there is no secret that you should keep.
Noemie. That’s frightening.
Tomassian. I dated a girl who religiously went to sessions. I tell her something in confidence, then she goes off to tell her analyst as a part of her session, then goes off and tell her mother, then tells me that she told other people. It’s unusual.
Noemie. Couples or married couples are kind of the same too. If you tell one spouse then it’s like you’re telling the other. So, even if you trust one, you may not necessarily trust the other so you’re limited to what to tell the one you trust.
Tomassian. That’s true. Then there are people who don’t tell anyone anything. All they do is listen. They’re just like counselors or priests, but they don’t even give feedback. Only things like, “that’s too bad,” or, “I understand.”
Noemie. Who can we trust, then?
Tomassian. Can I trust you?
Noemie. I think so. Can I trust you?
Tomassian. Sure. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. The world does not revolve around me.
End. Telling Everyone

Linus. Kiss me.
Rosetta. What?
Linus. Kiss me, baby?
Rosetta. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Linus. There’s a good reason why you should kiss me.
Rosetta. And that would be?
Linus. I just had five mints.
Rosetta. What kind?
Linus. Wouldn’t you like to know?
Rosetta. Peppermint or spearmint?
Linus. Pepper.
Rosetta. How fresh are you?
Linus. I have the fifth one still melting in my mouth.
Rosetta. How far is it along?
Linus. I would say a little past half.
Rosetta. Was it your intention to kiss me while the mint was still melting in your mouth?
Linus. I became impatient and decided to ask you to kiss me now.
Rosetta. Are you willing to rescind your mint?
Linus. Only if we kiss can you claim the mint
Rosetta. Then we should kiss.
End. Mint Recinded

Patrice. You!
Miyam. Me?
Patrice. You did this.
Miyam. No no, it wasn’t me.
Patrice. Yes, you. I’ve been watching you.
Miyam. You have? I need to stop changing by the window.
Patrice. I have to stop you.
Miyam. And I keep the window open when I shower. How embarrassing.
Patrice. Take that!
Miyam. Ow. Are you offended by my body? I mean to work out, but you know how boring it is. Up down up down.
Patrice. I don’t care about your body. It’s raining because of you.
Miyam. But I like the rain. It’s so sad and depressing. You can feel the heaviness inside your chest.
Patrice. You are a bad girl. You must be stopped.
Miyam. I have to go now. I would like to talk about the rain, but here. I have a card for you.
Patrice. A card?
Miyam. Here. It’s especially made for you. I made it, but I didn’t know who I would give it to, but now, I know. I’m sorry. I have to go.
*Miyam leaves.
Patrice. What is this?
End. Please Enjoy the Rain

Lemmy. M-y – n-a-m-e – i-s – L-e-m-m-y-. - W-h-a-t – i-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-f – I – w-e-r-e – t-o – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d-, - I – w-o-u-l-d – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d - S-m-o-o-t-h-s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g-d-o-g-m-a-g-i-c-l-y-l-i-g-h-t-b-o-u-l-d-e-r-.
Lemmy. T-h-a-t-’-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-a-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – t-h-e-y – w-o-u-l-d – c-a-l-l – m-e-.
Lemmy. D-o – y-o-u – h-a-v-e – a – s-h-o-r-t-e-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-e-y – d-o – n-o-t – c-a-l-l – m-e – b-y – a-n-o-t-h-e-r – o-t-h-e-r – g-i-v-e-n – n-a-m-e-. - I – a-m – g-l-a-d-s-o-m-e – o-f – y-o-u-r – a-b-i-l-i-t-y – t-o – d-i-s-c-o-v-e-r – m-y – u-s-a-g-e – o-f – M-o-r-s-e – c-o-d-e-.
Lemmy. I – a-m – t-o-o-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – f-e-e-l – l-i-k-e – I – a-m – a-l-r-e-a-d-y - a-b-l-e – t-o – p-l-a-c-e - a – t-r-u-s-t – i-n – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. Y-o-u – c-a-n-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-s – i-n-f-r-e-q-u-e-n-t-e-d – a-s – I – a-m-?
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – d-o-e-s – t-h-a-t – m-e-a-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-l-l – b-y – y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - I – a-m – i-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n-.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – s-a-d-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – h-a-v-e – p-r-o-f-u-s-e-l-y – l-o-s-t – m-y – h-e-a-r-t-, - b-u-t – t-h-e-n – I – h-a-v-e – f-o-u-n-d – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. I-’-m – g-l-a-d – y-o-u – f-o-u-n-d – m-e-. – W-e – c-a-n – t-a-l-k – a-b-o-u-t – a – l-o-t – o-f – t-h-i-n-g-s-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-o-u – w-i-l-l – c-o-n-v-e-r-s-e – w-i-t-h – m-e-?
Lemmy. S-u-r-e-. D-o – y-o-u – l-i-v-e – i-n – t-h-e – s-e-w-e-r-s-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - t-h-e – o-n-l-y – i-t-e-m – o-f – p-o-s-s-e-s-s-i-o-n – i-s – t-h-e – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – a-b-o-v-e-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – i-s – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – c-o-m-e-s – o-u-t – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – e-v-e-r-y – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – t-i-m-e – i-s – i-t – n-o-w-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-f-t-e-r – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r – a-n-d – b-e-f-o-r-e – t-h-e – f-i-f-t-e-e-n-t-h – m-i-n-u-t-e – o-f – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. I-t – i-s – f-i-v-e – w-h-e-r-e – I – a-m-. – Y-o-u – m-u-s-t – b-e – v-e-r-y – f-a-r-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – a-m-.
End. T-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?

Jiri. Are you okay?
Suna. No. I’m not okay.
Jiri. So what happened?
Suna. I came to visit Goten, but he wasn’t home, so I decided to surprise him and wait for him in his apartment.
Jiri. You have a key to his apartment?
Suna. It’s a spare key.
Jiri. He hasn’t come yet?
Suna. I think he’s already here.
Jiri. What? What do you mean?
Suna. Look at this.
Jiri. Invisible pills? Where did you find these?
Suna. They were in the kitchen. I found them when I made myself some tea. That’s not all I found.
Jiri. What else?
Suna. Go to the kitchen counter.
Jiri. Oh my ... There are like fifty bottles of sleeping pills here.
Suna. I think they’re all from different drug stores and grocery stores.
Jiri. Do you mean?
Suna. I think he’s somewhere in here.
Jiri. Did you try to look?
Suna. Goten’s been telling me that he wanted to disappear.
End. Fade Away

Verena. Hey, Manu. Did you wait long?
Manu. No, not really. I mean, I did have to wait, but it was fun watching other people eat and drink.
Verena. What is this?
Manu. That’s a bowl of green pea soup.
Verena. Is, is this for me?
Manu. Oh, did you want it?
Verena. You didn’t buy it?
Manu. No, I did.
Verena. So then, is it yours?
Manu. No.
Verena. I’m a little confused, Manu. Who is it for?
Manu. Nobody really. It’s to create an illusion.
Verena. An illusion of what?
Manu. By placing the bowl of soup opposite where I am, it looks as if I am with someone, but the someone left the table only to return soon.
Verena. But that would be me, right?
Manu. No, not really. The green pea soup doesn’t belong to you.
Verena. It belongs to someone who does not exist?
Manu. But since the bowl of soup is there, it gives an illusion that I am not alone.
Verena. Do you want to be left alone with your illusionary date? I feel like I’m barging in.
Manu. No, I don’t think she coming back.
Verena. I don’t blame her.
End. For Someone Not There

Rudiger. Hey, Mami.
Mami. What are you doing?
Rudiger. Nothing? What do you mean?
Mami. What are you drinking?
Rudiger. Coffee?
Mami. You’re drinking coffee?
Rudiger. Yes?
Mami. What do you think you’re doing?
Rudiger. I’m going to throw the drink of the devil away as soon as possible?
Mami. That’s right. Here, have these.
Rudiger. Crackers?
Mami. It’ll cleanse your palate. After you have some crackers, you can drink this tea.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. It is Chinese quince tea.
Rudiger. But I’m not Chinese.
Mami. I’m not either, and don’t tell anyone.
Rudiger. I won’t.
Mami. Well?
Rudiger. It’s nice.
Mami. I have another secret to tell you.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. I’m in love with Gerhard.
Rudiger. You are? What does that mean?
Mami. What you mean?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love with Gerhard?
Mami. Be quiet. Here he comes now.
Gerhard. Hey guys, what’s up?
Rudiger. Hi, Gerhard.
Mami. Hi, Gerhard.
Rudiger. Gerhard?
Gerhard. Yes?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love you?
End. Reveal Amiss

Keller. You have to try these apples.
Burma. Why?
Keller. Just try it. It’s a great day for apples.
Burma. It looks rotten. That’s disgusting.
Keller. These are like the best apples I’ve ever had.
Burma. What is wrong with you?
Keller. I want everyone in this world to try these apples. You. Yes, little boy. Come here. I have apples for you. No, don’t run away. You need to be strong and healthy. I want to share these apples with you. No, don’t go. Why did he go, Burma?
Burma. Are you drunk?
Keller. I’ve never felt better in my life. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it because I wanted to share the apples with the boy? I want to share them with you too, Burma. Don’t be jealous. Here, have an apple.
Burma. What’s with you? What’s in these apples? *sniff sniff*
Keller. Attention. Attention, everybody who I’m seeing right now at this instant. These apples. These wonderful apples are the greatest apples in the world, and each and every one of you is more beautiful than the next.
Burma. These apples are alcoholic. Where did you get these?
Keller. By the apple tree over there. I’m organic nature person. I take what the tree gives me. Thank you, Mr. Apple Tree. I will get you water as soon as I can afford it.
Burma. These apples are so old, they’ve fermented. How many apples did you have?
Keller. I had an apple for every year I was born.
Burma. How old are you?
Keller. I am seventy-three years old.
End. Sharing Apples With Everyone

Aurore. I’ve decided to learn how to cross country ski.
Marin. Really? Are you going to learn how to shoot a rifle as well?
Aurore. What? Why?
Marin. Isn’t that what they do? Cross-country ski to a point and shoot some target, then ski some more?
Aurore. You mean in the Olympics?
Marin. Yeah.
Aurore. That would be cool. I could go hunting. Shoot bunnies and have some stew.
Marin. Bunnies?
Aurore. Yeah, bunnies.
Marin. I would think if you were hunting bunnies, you would call them rabbits.
Aurore. Aren’t they called snow bunnies?
Marin. I think that’s what you call girls who are into skiing.
Aurore. So I would be a snow bunnie?
Marin. Yes, I suppose you would be.
Aurore. Whatever, I’m going to shoot some snow bunnies, and ski off while laughing in the forest. What’s your New Year’s resolution?
Marin. It’s the New Year?
End. Snow Bunnies