Gad. So what’s the plan?
Hasso. When I set the exterior alarm off, a security car will come to check it out. It takes about fifteen minutes in light traffic and up to half an hour in heavy traffic. Pay attention to congestion. We go pending traffic.
Gad. Thirty minutes? What kind of security company is this?
Hasso. It’s one of those companies that only provide a false sense of security. You pay for sensors, an alarm, and a sign saying that you have a security system. They’re like insurance companies. They take your money and hope you never have an alarm.
Gad. So, what happens when the security car comes?
Hasso. There’s only going to be one guard that will come. We’ll just wait for him. He’ll only see me when he comes. You’ll be out of the way. He’ll see how small I am, and won’t be threatened. If he saw you, he might have other thoughts.
Gad. That’s true.
Hasso. Before he asks me what I’m doing there, I’ll explain to him how embarrassed I am to set off the alarm, that I was just waiting for a friend who works here, but I was just checking to see if she was inside the office, to surprise her. Anyways, he’s going to open the office to check the alarm and the rest of the office. This is when you come in.
Gad. Okay.
Hasso. The lock to one of the office doors is located on the bottom of the door as well as on the handle. I’ll be conversing with him about his job when you surprise and knock him out while he’s on his knees.
Gad. Then we’re in.
Hasso. But we’ve got to use his car as a blockade on the street. It’ll give us more time to get out.
Gad. Can I do that?
Hasso. Sorry, you need to move the cases into the van. I’ll move the security car.
Gad. So the cases go in the van, and that’s that?
Hasso. That’s that.
Gad. To heavy traffic.
Hasso. Heavy traffic.
End. To Heavy Traffic

One.
Cashier Birgit. Can’t sleep?
Goten. Excuse me?
Cashier Birgit. The pills. You can’t sleep?
Goten. No, I guess I can’t.
Cashier Birgit. My sister had insomnia once. She almost went crazy.
Goten. I’m not going crazy.
Cashier Birgit. I’m sorry, sir. That’ll be five thirty-nine.

Two.
Cashier Mariana. Can I recommend something do you?
Goten. What is it?
Cashier Mariana. I’ve taken these sleep aids before.
Goten. Oh.
Cashier Mariana. You should get the store brand. They’re cheaper and are exactly the same.
Goten. I see. If you don’t mind, I’m in kind of a hurry. I’ll just these. Maybe next time.
Cashier Mariana. Sure, I’ll ring this up for you over here.

Three.
Cashier Ioana. Six forty-three is your change.
Goten. Thank you.
Cashier Ioana. I hope you’ll be able to sleep.
Goten. Thank you. I hope so too.

Four.
Cashier Anneliese. I’m sorry, I have to get a price check on these pills.
Goten. Oh, okay.
Cashier Anneliese. Lutz? Need a price check on four. Price check on four.
Goten. I can go check myself.
Cashier Anneliese. No, you stay here. It’ll be quick. So, you can’t sleep huh?
Goten. Can I ask you a question?
Cashier Anneliese. Sure.
Goten. If I were to ring up acne medication, and it had to be priced checked, would you ask if I had pimples?
Cashier Anneliese. No, I guess I wouldn’t.
Goten. How about Preparation H? Would you ask about my hemorrhoids?
Cashier Anneliese. Of course not.
Goten. Then why sleeping pills?
Cashier Anneliese. I don’t know, it doesn’t seem as embarrassing. There’re no secrets in not being able to sleep.
Goten. I guess that makes sense.
Cashier Anneliese. It’s like cold medicine. I sometimes ask people about their colds when they buy cold medicine. There’s hardly anything embarrassing about having a cold. I guess I feel bad for you not being able to sleep.
Goten. I see.
Lutz. Need a price check, Anneliese?

Five.
Goten. I heard you had invisible pills and I want to purchase some.
Imperial Megathere. Invisible pills? Are you a voyeur, are you?
Goten. No.
Imperial Megathere. Then why do you want invisible pills? Do you want to disappear?
Goten. Yes.
End. No Secrets in Not Sleeping

Antonella. Where were you?
Renate. Yesterday?
Antonella. Yeah.
Renate. I snuck into the building.
Antonella. You did? How?
Renate. I picked the lock.
Antonella. What about the alarm?
Renate. I waited for security to arrive, but they could not find me.
Antonella. Where did you hide?
Renate. In my locker. I left it unlocked before I left work.
Antonella. They didn’t find you?
Renate. No. They almost did though.
Antonella. What about the cameras?
Renate. I wore a mask wore a shirt that said, “Bob.”
Antonella. You’re so weird.
Renate. It took me months to pick that type of lock quickly.
Antonella. So what did you do in there?
Renate. It’s different when no one is in the building.
Antonella. Did you steal anything?
Renate. No.
Antonella. So you just broke into the building for no reason?
Renate. It was an extreme lonely quiet. All the computers were off. You could only hear the vending machine humming, which made everything else more quiet. What?
Antonella. You’re going back again, aren’t you?
Renate. I’ve got to go again before they get dogs.
End. Extreme Lonely Quiet

Greta. Do you know what your problem is?
Tommaso. What is my problem?
Greta. You can only have me all to yourself. You cannot share me.
Tommaso. No, I guess I can’t.
Greta. I don’t think you’ve ever met any of my friends.
Tommaso. Do you think I should?
Greta. It would be normal, wouldn’t it?
Tommaso. But is there something wrong with our friendship?
Greta. I think so. I’m isolated from everyone when I’m with you. It’s just us Tommaso, then everyone else.
Tommaso. You’re the only one I can trust.
Greta. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t be the only one. Think about it. How can I be the only one you trust? Was it by chance that out of all the people you could have met that I would be the one person you can trust?
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I can’t be the only one. There has to be other people you can trust. I can’t believe that I’m the only one.
Tommaso. There might be others that I can trust, but I only need one person I can trust, and you’re the one.
Greta. I wish I wasn’t, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What do you mean?
Greta. I’m leading two different lives. One with you, and one with the rest of the world. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m exhausted, Tommaso.
Tommaso. What are you going to do?
Greta. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just telling you how I feel.
Tommaso. What will make you happy?
Greta. I don’t know anymore.
End. Greta Greta

Ettore. Here you are.
Elke. Hey, Ettore.
Ettore. I don’t think there are many things lonelier than swimming at a hotel pool at night.
Elke. Eating a cup of yogurt in your car during an autumn drizzle is up there, but I’m not swimming.
Ettore. Oh? What are you doing then?
Elke. I’m just watching the reflection of the pool water against the ceiling.
Ettore. Geeze, that might be lonelier than swimming at night. Do you mind if I sit next to you.
Elke. No, go ahead. Do you want a stone?
Ettore. What? Why?
Elke. So you can throw it into the pool. Here.
Ettore. Okay? So I just throw it in?
Elke. Watch how the stone affects the pool’s reflection.
Ettore. Okay.
*Ettore throws the stone
Ettore. Now what?
Elke. Quiet. You can hear the stone float down to the bottom of the pool.
Ettore. Wow, there’s no way for me to leave.
Elke. I’m sorry?
End. Puh-tuh

Babe. Hey.
Honey. Hey, Babe. I’m sorry. Did I wake you?
Babe. Yeah, it’s okay. Are you dressed?
Honey. Yeah, I am.
Babe. Are you going somewhere?
Honey. I’m going to go driving.
Babe. What time is it?
Honey. It’s almost one.
Babe. One o’clock? Come to bed. It’s too late to go anywhere.
Honey. That’s why I’m going now, Babe.
Babe. What do you mean?
Honey. No one’s going to be on the road. I’ll be able to drive without traffic.
Babe. Is that why you’re going out?
Honey. Yeah. The traffic here depresses me. Now’s the only chance I can enjoy driving.
Babe. I hate the traffic here.
Honey. I know.
Babe. Hon?
Honey. Yeah, Babe?
Babe. I’m taking the other car.
End. No One Driving, but Honey and Babe

One.
Nyanta. So, what did you think of the movie?
Nimon. I thought the director’s efforts were a step down from his previous two films. I’m disappointed, really. I thought the director had a lot of potential to do great things.
Nyanta. It’s a light comedy. Didn’t you enjoy it?
Nimon. I thought the combination of the camera work and the comedy didn’t mix well together. It was like watching two different movies.
Nyanta. What if they were separate movies? Would you like them then?
Nimon. I would not because the characters were weak, thus weakening the tension of the plot. Actually, there was no tension.
Nyanta. Remind me never to watch a movie with you again.

Two.
Nyanta. How’s your dish?
Nimon. I’ve had better in another restaurant.
Nyanta. Really? Which one?
Nimon. Have you heard of Le Sans Souci?
Nyanta. No, where is it?
Nimon. Rome. The sauce does have the same sort of richness of Le Sans Souci, and the ratio of herbs is unfocused. The chef just threw herbs in the dish without any thought.
Nyanta. So you don’t like it?
Nimon. It’s just better when I had it in Rome.
Nyanta. Remind me never to go to a restaurant with you again.

Three.
Nyanta. So how was your date with Bamela?
Nimon. She is a nervous kisser. She was not sure how to handle her hands, and she was shifting back and forth.
Nyanta. You kissed her?
Nimon. I took her hand and drew her towards me and we kissed.
Nyanta. But you didn’t enjoy it?
Nimon. Her nervousness made the experience less enjoyable.
Nyanta. Remind me never to date you ever.
End. Deconstruction of Life

One.
Attila. Leyla?
Leyla. Yes?
Attila. I lost you. Where are you?
Leyla. We’re in Chinatown, on Race, going east towards ninth.
Attila. Chinatown? What’s she doing in Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. How did you lose us?
Attila. Oh, I stopped to get a pretzel.
Leyla. You and your pretzels.
Attila. Has she gone into any stores?
Leyla. Not really. She seems to know people here though.
Attila. Why?
Leyla. People just come up to her and greet her. Hold on, now she’s turned south on ninth, which doesn’t make any sense.
Attila. Why is that?
Leyla. Because she came from Market East Station. She’s going in circles.
Attila. She has to know that she’s being followed.
Leyla. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen me.
Attila. Those people greeting her. They’re telling her where you are.
Leyla. You’re right. I have to stop.
Attila. No, wait. We have to figure out why she’s there. What’s around Chinatown?
Leyla. I don’t know. Reading Terminal, the Convention Center, Greyhound.
Attila. Greyhound? It’s a little past 7:00. She’s going there. Find out what buses are leaving within the next two hours.
Leyla. Okay, I’ll call you back.

Two.
Leyla. Attila?
Attila. What do you have?
Leyla. Pick me up. We’re going to Harrisburg.
End. Attila Throws His Pretzel Away

Attila. Hey.
Leyla. Hey.
Attila. Where are you?
Leyla. I’m on Locust past 15th walking towards Rittenhouse Square.
Attila. Do you see her?
Leyla. She’s a couple meters ahead of me.
Attila. Did she see you?
Leyla. I don’t think so. Who normally thinks their being followed?
Attila. Well, good. Anything interesting happen so far?
Leyla. Not really. She bought a pretzel on the street. Hey, Attila?
Attila. Yes?
Leyla. Why am I following her? I mean, why don’t you do it?
Attila. Because if she sees me, she’ll know that I’m following her. If she sees you, then it’s just mere coincidence.
Leyla. Did you already go to get the toaster for me?
Attila. Yes, I did. $100. Who buys a $100 toaster?
Leyla. It’s nice isn’t it? I’ll make you some toast when this is all done. Wait a minute.
Attila. What is it?
Leyla. I think there’s someone else following Iroda.
Attila. What? Who is it?
Leyla. I don’t know him. I noticed him when we got off the Walnut-Locust Station. I’m pretty sure he’s following her.
Attila. Where is he?
Leyla. He’s across the street and ahead of me.
Attila. I wonder if anyone else is following her.
Leyla. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Attila, he’s crossing the street.
Attila. Where’s Iroda?
Leyla. She’s turning into a street. The guy’s approaching her.
Attila. Which street?
Leyla. Mozart Place.
Attila. Mozart Place? That’s a tiny alley street. Why is she going there?
Leyla. Attila, the guy has a knife. I have to go.
Attila. Wait wait, Leyla? Hello?
End. Never Reaching Rittenhouse Square

Florella. Octavian.
Octavian. Hi, Florella.
Florella. I heard that you’re going to start your revolution against the mayor.
Octavian. It’s true.
Florella. Are you going to cut down your bamboo?
Octavian. Do you remember when we talked about my decision to cut down the bamboo?
Florella. You said that you would cut down your bamboo when you hated the mayor more than you love your bamboo. Is that how you feel?
Octavian. I still love my bamboo. They’re like my children, but the mayor cannot imprison the town anymore.
Florella. Then why do you have to cut your bamboo down?
Octavian. So I can make spears and tools for the revolution.
Florella. You’re definitely going to do it? You’re going to cut down the bamboo?
Octavian. I’m afraid so. Florella. What’s that?
Florella. It’s my father’s sword.
Octavian. Why have you brandished it?
End. To Stop Octavian

Ernst. I almost died today.
Karoly. What? What happened?
Ernst. I was riding my bike to the grocery store, you know, for dinner, but you know how it was slippery out today.
Karoly. Yeah, because of the rain.
Ernst. Traffic was heavy, so I decided to ride on the sidewalk, but when I tried to get on to the sidewalk, my tires lost traction and I slid into a bush.
Karoly. Were you okay?
Ernst. I just scraped my palms trying to catch myself, but look at this. See the red mark on my throat?
Karoly. How did that happen?
Ernst. When I fell, I fell towards the end of tree branch on the ground.
Karoly. That was from a tree branch?
Ernst. If I didn’t stop, it would have gone through my neck.
Karoly. But you’re okay right?
Ernst. I am, but I can’t stop thinking what would have happened to me if the stick actually went through. How much blood there would be? How hard would it to breathe? I’d probably choke on my own blood.
Karoly. Stop, why are you saying that?
Ernst. I would have died helplessly, Karoly. I would have died watching the traffic go by.
End. Neck Unscarred

Werner. She’s driving me crazy, Brigitte.
Brigitte. Who’s driving you crazy?
Werner. Odilia.
Brigitte. Odilia? What did she do to you?
Werner. Okay, so we meet occasionally.
Brigitte. Right?
Werner. So, when she leaves, I hear Astrud Gilberto singing.
Brigitte. The Girl From Ipanema?
Werner. Yes.
Brigitte. What’s wrong with that? That would be cool if a guy heard that song if I left them.
Werner. Why her, though?
Brigitte. Why not her?
Werner. We’re just friends. I’d think if I heard a song from anyone when they left, the person would have a closer relationship than I have with Odilia.
Brigitte. Maybe somewhere in your subconscious, you want to like her more than a friend.
Werner. Maybe somewhere in my principal conscious, we’re just friends. What’s the point of a subconscious when my principal one rules? Really, my subconscious is overrated.
Brigitte. But, the song. You can’t deny the song.
Werner. My principal conscious needs to teach my subconscious a hard lesson in life.
Brigitte. Here comes Odilia now.
Werner. Oh.
Odilia. Hey, guys.
Werner. Oh, hey Odilia.
Brigitte. Hey, Odilia.
Odilia. What are you up to?
Brigitte. We’re talking about the subconscious.
Odilia. Oh really? Oh actually, I have to go now, I’m kind of late. I’ll see you guys later. Bye, Werner. Bye, Brigitte.
Werner. Dark and tan, and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking ...
Brigitte. ... and when she passes, it’s when she passes goes, ah ...
End. Ipanema Subconscious

Radek. What happened to you?
Maqui. What do you mean?
Radek. Your knuckles. They have two pen marks on them.
Maqui. Oh, right. I was writing my number for a person I just met, and when I went to cap my pen, I missed and marked my knuckles instead.
Radek. Was it because you were nervous?
Maqui. Actually, he was the one who was nervous. He couldn’t think of the word, “phone number” when he asked me for it. He was like, “Do you think I could have your ... your ... that thing, to contact you?”
Radek. Sounds like a real confident guy.
Maqui. Yeah, there was something interesting about his character though. I’m curious enough to meet him again. I wonder what he’ll be like if he calls me.
Radek. He’ll probably read from a card of what he’ll say to you.
Maqui. Haha, yeah. I used to do that when ordering pizza. I was so hard on myself when I was younger. I wanted to order pizza perfectly, without hesitation. I wrote out the greeting, my phone number, the address, explaining that I have a coupon, the order itself, and then ask how much it would be.
Radek. I’ve heard you order pizza. You’re very good.
Maqui. Thank you. I’ve practiced a lot.
End. Ordering Pizza Perfectly

Raemon. I got a new cell phone today.
Tamarine. Really? Do you like it?
Raemon. Yeah, I guess I do.
Tamarine. Don’t you choose the last four numbers?
Raemon. Yeah, it’s five-eight-five-two.
Tamarine. What’s that?
Raemon. That used to be the last four numbers of the home number where I grew up.
Tamarine. I see.
Raemon. But we sold the house, so it’s no longer home.
Tamarine. But you still have the number.
End. Keeping Five-Eight-Five-Two

Renato. I have to question companies that actually hire me.
Anka. What do you mean?
Renato. I mean. They must know that I’m under qualified for the position. Why do they keep hiring me?
Anka. You probably do a good job.
Renato. I don’t really. If I do anything, I make things more difficult for the company.
Anka. So, what are you going to do?
Renato. What do you mean?
Anka. Well, if you question the company that hires you, then who can you work for?
Renato. I’ve decided that I will have to lie about my qualifications so when they do hire me, it’ll be under false pretenses.
Anka. This will make you feel better?
Renato. Sure. I know companies should not hire me, but they still do. So, under false pretenses can they only hire me.
Anka. So, you kind of feel guilty for being hired. You feel like you don’t deserve be hired by a company.
Renato. I guess so. I think I won’t feel as bad, if I lie about my qualifications.
Anka. But they’re hiring you now because of your qualifications.
Renato. But my qualifications should not allow me to be hired.
Anka. Oh. Then why don’t you try to be qualified, so that when you are hired, the company is making a right decision?
Renato. Come on.
Anka. What?
Renato. This is me you’re talking about.
Anka. That’s true. Hahahahaha.
Renato. Hahahahaha.
End. Slipping In

Uors. Hello.
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. I’m a friend of Krumm’s
Rosalinda. Hello.
Uors. He told me that you have an extra train ticket to go to Bhopal.
Rosalinda. I do.
Uors. Is it possible for you to donate the ticket? To me?
Rosalinda. Donate? I think a trade would be better. Why do you want to go to Bhopal? The land is poison there.
Uors. There is a woman who needs reading glasses. I want to give her a pair.
Rosalinda. A philanthropist, however I am not. For a ticket to Bhopal in order to give a woman reading glasses, you must get me a ticket to a Broadway show in New York City.
Uors. I can do this, only if I will be able to accompany you to the Broadway show.
Rosalinda. You will accompany to the Broadway show only if you buy me dinner at Elaine’s.
Uors. Deal. Let’s shake on it.
Rosalinda. I must warn you. I cannot carry interesting conversations and I am thirty-nine years old.
Uors. That’s fine. I’ve always been bad with math.
End. Glasses for Elaine’s

One.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Happy birthday, Kiti.
Kiti. Thank you, Daddy. What did you get me?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Open it.
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear! What’s this thing?
Mr. Thierry Caron. It’s a water bottle. The bear’s name is Mr. Buress.
Kiti. Oh, but the water bottle is outside the bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. That’s why we have to perform a water bottle implant procedure. Then it’ll be just like that $51,000.00 teddy bear you wanted in that catalogue.
Kiti. Really? We’re going to perform the operation?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes. Are you ready? This is an extremely invasive procedure.
Kiti. I am.

Three.
Kiti. How long do we have to wait for Mr. Buress to get better?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Well, we had that unexpected accident, but I think we recovered from it very nicely.
Kiti. Mr. Buress is my first patient. I don’t want to lose my first patient.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Mr. Buress was in great health when I purchased him. He used to be a winger on a New Zealand rugby team and ran the Iron Man Triathlon in Hawaii twice only to place third and then second the following year.
Kiti. I bet he would have been first this year.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Probably, but he’s gone through a major operation, and he needs a lot of time to recover.
Kiti. I’ll take good care of him.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I know you will.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure - Recovery

Two.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Don’t we need to anesthetize him first?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh yes. Prepare the anesthesia.
Kiti. Okay, Mr. Buress? I will be applying the anesthesia now. Just breathe normally and count to ten. He is ready, Daddy.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Dr. Caron.
Kiti. Sorry. Dr. Caron. Mr. Buress is ready for the water bottle implant procedure.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Nurse Caron. Will you sterilize the area of incision?
Kiti. The area is sterilized, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Scalpel.
Kiti. Scalpel.
Mr. Thierry Caron. There’s more spillage than I anticipated. We need more receptacles to hold the matter.
Kiti. Here, Doctor. We can hold the matter in these jars.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Very good. How are Mr. Buress’s vital signs?
Kiti. His vitals are still intact.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I will now implant the water bottle already prepared with a heated solution.
Kiti. Dr. Caron. Why are we implanting an activated water bottle into Mr. Buress? Shouldn’t the bottle be inactive?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I need to observe how Mr. Buress’s body will react to an activated foreign implant. If the body rejects the implant, then I need to remove the implant before I close.
Kiti. I understand.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I have implanted the water bottle. Now we should observe how Mr. Buress’s body reacts to the implant. Nurse Caron, How are his signs?
Kiti. They are still holding.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Good. We’ll observe for a couple more minutes.
Kiti. Doctor, there is a rupture in the implant! The heated solution is spilling into Mr. Buress.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Quickly, prepare the heating element. I will remove the implant. We need to extract the solution from his cavity.
Kiti. The heating element is ready, Doctor.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Set the element on low and extract the solution. We have to make sure extraction is complete to prevent infection.
End. Water Bottle Implant Procedure

Res Timoteo. Sir, will you drink this? It’s a new drink I have developed.
Dr. G. Gage. What is it?
Res Timoteo. It does everything you want. It hydrates you, it gives you more energy, you can run faster, jump higher, type faster, read faster, spelling is easier, your IQ raises by 10 points, you’ll be able to remember things you’ve forgotten, you’ll be able read people’s minds, your face will clear up, food digests easier, your eye sight will improve, you’ll be able to see at night, your teeth will straighten, things just taste better, your posture will straighten, you’ll be able to play the guitar, it’ll take ten people to bring you down, you’ll be able to speak another language except for some Asian languages, you’ll develop a British accent, you’ll be able to breath underwater, you won’t get sick, you won’t sunburn, it’s takes all sicknesses right out of your body and into a little jar, you’ll be able to predict the future, you’ll be able to move small objects with your mind, people of the opposite sex will be attracted to you, you’ll make friends, you’ll never be lonely again, you will be given great jobs, fair loans, you’ll be able to travel to any place you want, you won’t get into any accidents, you’ll drive like a professional, people will not try to harm you, and clothes will fit you.
Dr. G. Gage. Wow, you’ve done it, Timoteo. You’ve created the greatest drink in the world.
Res Timoteo. And it doesn’t taste like coffee, but rather it tastes like the aroma of coffee.
Dr. G. Gage. Amazing. Our company will surpass all beverage companies because of you.
Res Timoteo. Thank you, sir.
*Dr. G. Gage drinks
Dr. G. Gage. Um, Timoteo?
Res Timoteo. Yes, sir?
Dr. G. Gage. Can you make one adjustment?
Res Timoteo. Sir?
Dr. G. Gage. It’s very good, and I’m remembering what my uncle whispered to me when I was a boy, but can you make it taste a little more like chalky medicine? I think a drink like this should taste like medicine, don’t you? Timoteo? Where are you going?
End. Res Timoteo Quits

Jobert. Hi, Nina.
Nina. Hi, Jobert.
Jobert. Have you seen Leger lately?
Nina. Leger?
Jobert. Yeah, there’s something going on, but I don’t know what it is. He won’t tell me.
Nina. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jobert. What do you mean?
Nina. I don’t know anything about Leger.
Jobert. Okay?
Nina. Can we talk about something else?
Jobert. So, what do you want for breakfast?
Nina. I’m not hungry.
Jobert. Really? Are you feeling okay?
Nina. I’m fine, please let’s not talk about it.
Jobert. Nina.
Nina. What?
Jobert. What is going on? What happened between you and Leger?
Nina. Leger? I don’t even know who Leger is.
Jobert. You don’t?
Nina. No, I don’t. I never met him in my life.
Jobert. Okay. So you’re not going to eat anything?
Nina. I have to go.
Jobert. What? Now?
Nina. Yeah, I’m sorry. I just remembered something. I have to go now. We’ll have breakfast another time, okay?
Jobert. What is going on with you?
Nina. I told you. I don’t know who Leger is!
End. No Idea

Corentin. Here touch this.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a Chinese quince.
Neulla. What is that?
Corentin. It’s a fruit. Touch it.
Neulla. Touch it? Why?
Corentin. What are you afraid of?
Neulla. Why? Is it disgusting?
Corentin. No, it’s rather nice.
Neulla. I don’t know.
Corentin. Why are you being so paranoid?
Neulla. It because no one’s ever asked me to touch fruit before. They’ve asked me to smell it, or eat it, but never specifically touch it. Why do you want me to touch it?
Corentin. Its scent will be on your hands. Do you want to do it?
Neulla. Can you?
Corentin. Ok, here. Now here, smell my hands.
Neulla. Oh, it’s nice.
Corentin. Isn’t it?
Neulla. Can I eat it?
Corentin. No.
End. Touch to Smell

Federic Mason. Good morning, Ms. Cappell. How are you this morning?
Lise Cappell. Good morning, Mr. Mason. It’s quiet so far. Aren’t you here earlier than normal?
Federic Mason. I witnessed a near accident today.
Lise Cappell. Coming to work?
Federic Mason. I was crossing the street to get to the office when this black minivan broke hard and slid a good thirty yards past behind me.
Lise Cappell. It’s slick out today with the morning mist, but there was no accident?
Federic Mason. I think the van was trying to avoid a taxi merging into the lane. Normally, cars that get into near accidents sound their horn or just drive off, but this minivan didn’t move.
Lise Cappell. That’s strange. There wasn’t any traffic?
Federic Mason. It was coming from the light down the block. I wanted to see who the driver was, but all the windows were tinted.
Lise Cappell. The driver’s heart must have been pounding in his chest.
Federic Mason. What a way to start the day.
Lise Cappell. It’s a little exciting.
Federic Mason. Yeah, everyone should start their day with near accidents.
Lise Cappell. I wonder if it’s going to be slick tomorrow.
End. Slick Morning Mist

Tomassian. I am not the center of the world. I am not the center of the world. The world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. What are you doing?
Tomassian. I’m trying to realize that I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. Do you think you are the center of the world?
Tomassian. Normally, I would say no, but on a subconscious level, I think I believe it.
Noemie. Really? I guess on some subconscious level we all think we are the center of the world.
Tomassian. I blame counselors and psychiatrists.
Noemie. What? Why?
Tomassian. You go see a counselor and they want you to talk exclusively about yourself and the things that revolve in your life. After several sessions, this way of conversing and thinking seeps in until you feel everyone wants to listen to your story and that there is no secret that you should keep.
Noemie. That’s frightening.
Tomassian. I dated a girl who religiously went to sessions. I tell her something in confidence, then she goes off to tell her analyst as a part of her session, then goes off and tell her mother, then tells me that she told other people. It’s unusual.
Noemie. Couples or married couples are kind of the same too. If you tell one spouse then it’s like you’re telling the other. So, even if you trust one, you may not necessarily trust the other so you’re limited to what to tell the one you trust.
Tomassian. That’s true. Then there are people who don’t tell anyone anything. All they do is listen. They’re just like counselors or priests, but they don’t even give feedback. Only things like, “that’s too bad,” or, “I understand.”
Noemie. Who can we trust, then?
Tomassian. Can I trust you?
Noemie. I think so. Can I trust you?
Tomassian. Sure. I am not the center of the world.
Noemie. The world does not revolve around me.
End. Telling Everyone

Linus. Kiss me.
Rosetta. What?
Linus. Kiss me, baby?
Rosetta. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Linus. There’s a good reason why you should kiss me.
Rosetta. And that would be?
Linus. I just had five mints.
Rosetta. What kind?
Linus. Wouldn’t you like to know?
Rosetta. Peppermint or spearmint?
Linus. Pepper.
Rosetta. How fresh are you?
Linus. I have the fifth one still melting in my mouth.
Rosetta. How far is it along?
Linus. I would say a little past half.
Rosetta. Was it your intention to kiss me while the mint was still melting in your mouth?
Linus. I became impatient and decided to ask you to kiss me now.
Rosetta. Are you willing to rescind your mint?
Linus. Only if we kiss can you claim the mint
Rosetta. Then we should kiss.
End. Mint Recinded

Patrice. You!
Miyam. Me?
Patrice. You did this.
Miyam. No no, it wasn’t me.
Patrice. Yes, you. I’ve been watching you.
Miyam. You have? I need to stop changing by the window.
Patrice. I have to stop you.
Miyam. And I keep the window open when I shower. How embarrassing.
Patrice. Take that!
Miyam. Ow. Are you offended by my body? I mean to work out, but you know how boring it is. Up down up down.
Patrice. I don’t care about your body. It’s raining because of you.
Miyam. But I like the rain. It’s so sad and depressing. You can feel the heaviness inside your chest.
Patrice. You are a bad girl. You must be stopped.
Miyam. I have to go now. I would like to talk about the rain, but here. I have a card for you.
Patrice. A card?
Miyam. Here. It’s especially made for you. I made it, but I didn’t know who I would give it to, but now, I know. I’m sorry. I have to go.
*Miyam leaves.
Patrice. What is this?
End. Please Enjoy the Rain

Lemmy. M-y – n-a-m-e – i-s – L-e-m-m-y-. - W-h-a-t – i-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-f – I – w-e-r-e – t-o – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d-, - I – w-o-u-l-d – b-e – c-a-l-l-e-d - S-m-o-o-t-h-s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g-d-o-g-m-a-g-i-c-l-y-l-i-g-h-t-b-o-u-l-d-e-r-.
Lemmy. T-h-a-t-’-s – y-o-u-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-a-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – t-h-e-y – w-o-u-l-d – c-a-l-l – m-e-.
Lemmy. D-o – y-o-u – h-a-v-e – a – s-h-o-r-t-e-r – n-a-m-e-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. T-h-e-y – d-o – n-o-t – c-a-l-l – m-e – b-y – a-n-o-t-h-e-r – o-t-h-e-r – g-i-v-e-n – n-a-m-e-. - I – a-m – g-l-a-d-s-o-m-e – o-f – y-o-u-r – a-b-i-l-i-t-y – t-o – d-i-s-c-o-v-e-r – m-y – u-s-a-g-e – o-f – M-o-r-s-e – c-o-d-e-.
Lemmy. I – a-m – t-o-o-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – f-e-e-l – l-i-k-e – I – a-m – a-l-r-e-a-d-y - a-b-l-e – t-o – p-l-a-c-e - a – t-r-u-s-t – i-n – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. Y-o-u – c-a-n-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-s – i-n-f-r-e-q-u-e-n-t-e-d – a-s – I – a-m-?
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – d-o-e-s – t-h-a-t – m-e-a-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – a-l-l – b-y – y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - I – a-m – i-n – i-s-o-l-a-t-i-o-n-.
Lemmy. A-r-e – y-o-u – s-a-d-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – h-a-v-e – p-r-o-f-u-s-e-l-y – l-o-s-t – m-y – h-e-a-r-t-, - b-u-t – t-h-e-n – I – h-a-v-e – f-o-u-n-d – y-o-u-.
Lemmy. I-’-m – g-l-a-d – y-o-u – f-o-u-n-d – m-e-. – W-e – c-a-n – t-a-l-k – a-b-o-u-t – a – l-o-t – o-f – t-h-i-n-g-s-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-o-u – w-i-l-l – c-o-n-v-e-r-s-e – w-i-t-h – m-e-?
Lemmy. S-u-r-e-. D-o – y-o-u – l-i-v-e – i-n – t-h-e – s-e-w-e-r-s-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. Y-e-s-, - t-h-e – o-n-l-y – i-t-e-m – o-f – p-o-s-s-e-s-s-i-o-n – i-s – t-h-e – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – a-b-o-v-e-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – i-s – t-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I-t – i-s – w-h-a-t – c-o-m-e-s – o-u-t – o-f – t-h-e – c-l-o-c-k – t-o-w-e-r – e-v-e-r-y – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. W-h-a-t – t-i-m-e – i-s – i-t – n-o-w-?
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-f-t-e-r – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r – a-n-d – b-e-f-o-r-e – t-h-e – f-i-f-t-e-e-n-t-h – m-i-n-u-t-e – o-f – t-h-e – f-o-u-r-t-h – a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n – h-o-u-r-.
Lemmy. I-t – i-s – f-i-v-e – w-h-e-r-e – I – a-m-. – Y-o-u – m-u-s-t – b-e – v-e-r-y – f-a-r-.
Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. I – a-m-.
End. T-i-n-t-i-n-n-a-b-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-?

Jiri. Are you okay?
Suna. No. I’m not okay.
Jiri. So what happened?
Suna. I came to visit Goten, but he wasn’t home, so I decided to surprise him and wait for him in his apartment.
Jiri. You have a key to his apartment?
Suna. It’s a spare key.
Jiri. He hasn’t come yet?
Suna. I think he’s already here.
Jiri. What? What do you mean?
Suna. Look at this.
Jiri. Invisible pills? Where did you find these?
Suna. They were in the kitchen. I found them when I made myself some tea. That’s not all I found.
Jiri. What else?
Suna. Go to the kitchen counter.
Jiri. Oh my ... There are like fifty bottles of sleeping pills here.
Suna. I think they’re all from different drug stores and grocery stores.
Jiri. Do you mean?
Suna. I think he’s somewhere in here.
Jiri. Did you try to look?
Suna. Goten’s been telling me that he wanted to disappear.
End. Fade Away

Verena. Hey, Manu. Did you wait long?
Manu. No, not really. I mean, I did have to wait, but it was fun watching other people eat and drink.
Verena. What is this?
Manu. That’s a bowl of green pea soup.
Verena. Is, is this for me?
Manu. Oh, did you want it?
Verena. You didn’t buy it?
Manu. No, I did.
Verena. So then, is it yours?
Manu. No.
Verena. I’m a little confused, Manu. Who is it for?
Manu. Nobody really. It’s to create an illusion.
Verena. An illusion of what?
Manu. By placing the bowl of soup opposite where I am, it looks as if I am with someone, but the someone left the table only to return soon.
Verena. But that would be me, right?
Manu. No, not really. The green pea soup doesn’t belong to you.
Verena. It belongs to someone who does not exist?
Manu. But since the bowl of soup is there, it gives an illusion that I am not alone.
Verena. Do you want to be left alone with your illusionary date? I feel like I’m barging in.
Manu. No, I don’t think she coming back.
Verena. I don’t blame her.
End. For Someone Not There

Rudiger. Hey, Mami.
Mami. What are you doing?
Rudiger. Nothing? What do you mean?
Mami. What are you drinking?
Rudiger. Coffee?
Mami. You’re drinking coffee?
Rudiger. Yes?
Mami. What do you think you’re doing?
Rudiger. I’m going to throw the drink of the devil away as soon as possible?
Mami. That’s right. Here, have these.
Rudiger. Crackers?
Mami. It’ll cleanse your palate. After you have some crackers, you can drink this tea.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. It is Chinese quince tea.
Rudiger. But I’m not Chinese.
Mami. I’m not either, and don’t tell anyone.
Rudiger. I won’t.
Mami. Well?
Rudiger. It’s nice.
Mami. I have another secret to tell you.
Rudiger. What is it?
Mami. I’m in love with Gerhard.
Rudiger. You are? What does that mean?
Mami. What you mean?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love with Gerhard?
Mami. Be quiet. Here he comes now.
Gerhard. Hey guys, what’s up?
Rudiger. Hi, Gerhard.
Mami. Hi, Gerhard.
Rudiger. Gerhard?
Gerhard. Yes?
Rudiger. What does it mean to be in love you?
End. Reveal Amiss

Keller. You have to try these apples.
Burma. Why?
Keller. Just try it. It’s a great day for apples.
Burma. It looks rotten. That’s disgusting.
Keller. These are like the best apples I’ve ever had.
Burma. What is wrong with you?
Keller. I want everyone in this world to try these apples. You. Yes, little boy. Come here. I have apples for you. No, don’t run away. You need to be strong and healthy. I want to share these apples with you. No, don’t go. Why did he go, Burma?
Burma. Are you drunk?
Keller. I’ve never felt better in my life. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it because I wanted to share the apples with the boy? I want to share them with you too, Burma. Don’t be jealous. Here, have an apple.
Burma. What’s with you? What’s in these apples? *sniff sniff*
Keller. Attention. Attention, everybody who I’m seeing right now at this instant. These apples. These wonderful apples are the greatest apples in the world, and each and every one of you is more beautiful than the next.
Burma. These apples are alcoholic. Where did you get these?
Keller. By the apple tree over there. I’m organic nature person. I take what the tree gives me. Thank you, Mr. Apple Tree. I will get you water as soon as I can afford it.
Burma. These apples are so old, they’ve fermented. How many apples did you have?
Keller. I had an apple for every year I was born.
Burma. How old are you?
Keller. I am seventy-three years old.
End. Sharing Apples With Everyone

Aurore. I’ve decided to learn how to cross country ski.
Marin. Really? Are you going to learn how to shoot a rifle as well?
Aurore. What? Why?
Marin. Isn’t that what they do? Cross-country ski to a point and shoot some target, then ski some more?
Aurore. You mean in the Olympics?
Marin. Yeah.
Aurore. That would be cool. I could go hunting. Shoot bunnies and have some stew.
Marin. Bunnies?
Aurore. Yeah, bunnies.
Marin. I would think if you were hunting bunnies, you would call them rabbits.
Aurore. Aren’t they called snow bunnies?
Marin. I think that’s what you call girls who are into skiing.
Aurore. So I would be a snow bunnie?
Marin. Yes, I suppose you would be.
Aurore. Whatever, I’m going to shoot some snow bunnies, and ski off while laughing in the forest. What’s your New Year’s resolution?
Marin. It’s the New Year?
End. Snow Bunnies

Henning. Look, there’s Viard.
Dodd. We’re too late. He’s taking the invisible pill.
Henning. We still have some time before we can’t see him.
Dodd. He’s already fading.
Henning. He doesn’t know that we’re here. We can surprise him.
Dodd. I can barely make him out. How do we surprise him?
Henning. We’re going to tackle him. We have to do it now.
Dodd. I hope he hasn’t moved from where he was.
Henning. Let’s go. He’ll look at himself to make sure he’s invisible before he moves.
End. Last Place

Mireille. Let’s go to the library. *cough cough* I’ve got some books I need to return.
Gero. Are you okay there?
Mireille. Yeah, I’m a bit sick. *cough cough*
Gero. Did you want to stay at the library too?
Mireille. You know how it goes. I return books, *cough cough* and browse the stacks for a couple hours and borrow another set of books.
Gero. I know, but you’re coughing.
Mireille. Yeah, so?
Gero. For one, you’re going to disturb everyone in the library.
Mireille. What? Hold on. *cough cough* Are you serious?
Gero. And you’ll probably infect them as well.
Mireille. Are you going to come with me *cough* to the library or not?
Gero. I don’t know. I might get sick too.
Mireille. Why *cough* are we friends?
Gero. Because I saved your life.
Mireille. I need a better reason than that.
End. *cough cough*

Karim. I now know that I lead a boring life.
Urs. Do you really?
Karim. I do.
Urs. Why?
Karim. I asked myself this question, “Karim, what would you like to do?” You know what I answered?
Urs. You asked yourself a question and you answered yourself?
Karim. I said, “I would like to go home and sleep please.”
Urs. You told yourself that you wanted to go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes.
Urs. Did you go home and sleep?
Karim. Yes, I did.
Urs. Now when you talk to yourself, do you talk to another you that you see or do you talk to your inner self?
Karim. What are you talking about?
Urs. I’m concerned about your mental health, Karim.
Karim. I’m mentally stable, Urs. Really.
Urs. Did you just tell yourself to say that?
Karim. No. Why?
Urs. Cause you hesitated, like you needed time to converse with yourself.
Karim. I’m fine, Urs. You’re the one that’s insane.
Urs. What are you telling yourself now?
Karim. I’m about to agree with myself to strangle you.
End. Boring Me

One.
Ortho. Do you have stamps?
Ravi. With me? No.
Ortho. You have stamps elsewhere?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. What kind of stamps? Are they American stamps?
Ravi. Yes.
Ortho. I would like to see your American stamps. May I see them?
Ravi. I don’t have them with me.
Ortho. I want to see your stamps. I want to buy your stamps.
Ravi. I can bring you my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Please bring your stamps to me.
Ravi. I will.
Ortho. Are they fresh stamps?
Ravi. Very fresh.
Ortho. Good. You are a good person.
Ravi. Thank you. I will come back with my stamps.
Ortho. Yes. Thank you.

Two.
Ravi. I had the most bizarre conversation with this man today.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. He had these thick glasses that enlarged his eyes.
Soia. Well, what did he say?
Ravi. He asked me if I had stamps.
Soia. Stamps?
Ravi. He asked me to see my stamps.
Soia. Really?
Ravi. I was confused, but I told him that I would bring my stamps to him.
Soia. What does he want to do with your stamps?
Ravi. I don’t know. Mail something?
Soia. He asked you for stamps?
Ravi. He asked if they were American stamps and asked if they were fresh.
Soia. Of course they would be American. What else could they be?
Ravi. I don’t think he knows he’s in America. He was an old man. Maybe he was an avid collector when he was younger.
Soia. How strange. Why did he ask you if they were fresh?
Ravi. I have no idea. Maybe he likes the taste of stamps.
Soia. I would like to meet the person who likes the taste of stamps.
Ravi. You have a chance now.
End. The Taste of Stamps

Licia. What are you going to do with all your stuff?
Ignacy. I don’t know. Give it away, I guess.
Licia. All your cookware too?
Ignacy. I can’t just bring it with me. I’m just going to bring my knives.
Licia. I can’t believe you’re going by boat.
Ignacy. Why?
Licia. A plane is so much faster.
Ignacy. I don’t think I should get there fast. I’ll get there, but it should be eventual.
Licia. Your extending your transition.
Ignacy. Yeah. Something like that. It’s like jumping off a cliff. I want the fall to last as long as possible so I can recall the things I’ve done.
Licia. You sound like you’re going to die.
Ignacy. I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen to me. Everything is black.
Licia. What happened to you, Ignacy? You’ve become different.
Ignacy. I just have nothing now.
Licia. Except for your knives.
Ignacy. Except for my knives.
End. Slices
Rutonetwentyone

Regine. Hey, Pato. What’s going on?
Pato. Hi. I just had a revelation.
Regine. Really? Is that good or bad?
Pato. I don’t know really. I guess it’s both.
Regine. Well, you want to let me know what your revelation is?
Pato. I was at the library today, and Gisele was sitting next to me, right? No big deal. We’re just studying. Then some friend of her’s comes up from behind and hugs her.
Regine. Okay?
Pato. This is her reaction.
*Pato cringes his face in disgust.
Regine. So she didn’t want to be hugged by her friend?
Pato. No, she made that face because she thought I was hugging her. If I hugged her, that would be the face that she would have made.
Regine. What, are you interested in Gisele?
Pato. No, but to think that if I hugged anyone and their reaction was a look of disgust saddens me.
Regine. Saddens? Really?
Pato. But it also relieves me.
Regine. Why is that?
Pato. Because Gisele is one less person for me to worry about. We have this mutual indifference for each other. It’s rather nice.
Regine. So you have this relieved sadness?
Pato. I guess so.
Regine. Interesting. Hey, would you like to hug me?
Pato. That would be nice.
End. Mutual Indifference, Relieved Sadness

Frank. Joe, what are you doing here?
Joe. I didn’t know who else to go.
Frank. What, what’s the matter?
Joe. It’s my fiancée. She’s pregnant.
Frank. What? But you’re not married yet.
Joe. I never touched her, Frank.
Frank. The baby’s not yours?
Joe. No.
Frank. Are you going to call the wedding off?
Joe. I was going to, but now we’re just going to leave and have the child somewhere else.
Frank. I don’t know what to say, Joe.
Joe. Yeah, life sends you tight and unexpected turns.
Frank. What about the baby?
Joe. The baby will be born and I will be the father.
Frank. I don’t know whether to call you wise or stupid, Joe. When are you going to leave?
Joe. Soon. I came to give you this.
Frank. What is it?
Joe. A collection of books of mine. I thought you would like them.
Frank. Gee, Joe. Thanks.
Joe. Well, I need to be going.
Frank. God bless you, Joe.
Joe. Bless you.
End. Tight and Unexpected Turns
Matoneeighteen

Maeni. Hello.
Katia. Hello?
Maeni. You’re a zoner aren’t you?
Katia. Am I a zoner? Is that what you’re asking me?
Maeni. You are, aren’t you?
Katia. I don’t know. Am I?
Maeni. I think you are.
Katia. How do you know that?
Maeni. You’re not using a coaster.
Katia. You’re right. I’m not.
Maeni. And the ring of water from your cup.
Katia. Yes?
Maeni. You’ve been playing with it, spreading drops of water out from the ring with your straw.
Katia. That’s true.
Maeni. Even when that man dropped his tray in front of you, you were still concentrated on the water ring.
Katia. There was a man?
Maeni. He even said sorry. Look. There are stains of ketchup on your shoes from the burger he dropped.
Katia. So there are.
Maeni. You’re a zoner. You live in another world.
Katia. I guess I do. Are you going to help me?
Maeni. No, I want to ask you out to dinner.
End. Zoner

Capucine. Will you stop it?
Tobias. What?
Capucine. I know what you’re doing.
Tobias. What are you talking about?
Capucine. Your shadow. You're positioning your shadow so I would be walking over it.
Tobias. I am?
Capucine. I know your self esteem is very low, but to have me walk over your shadow is too much for me to handle.
Tobias. I didn’t realize I was doing it.
Capucine. That’s sad, Tobias. You don’t even realize what you’re doing to yourself. Why are you so self destructive?
Tobias. I don’t know.
Capucine. It’s because you need to be in control of your life, but the only way you can control it is to be self destructive. Don’t you see?
Tobias. Yes, I guess that makes sense.
Capucine. Seriously, you’ve got to stop hating yourself so much.
Tobias. I want to, but how do I do that?
Capucine. It’s something you’ve got to discover for yourself. I can’t really help you.
Tobias. You can’t?
Capucine. If I did, I think I would start hating you.
Tobias. You would?
Capucine. Do you want me to tell you you’re a good person?
Tobias. What’s wrong with that?
Capucine. What’s the point in me telling you that you are good when you don’t believe it yourself?
Capucine. I guess you’re right.
Tobias. Will you stop it?
End. Stepping on Shadows

Zuma. We did it.
Gobel. What, what happened?
Zuma. We got a sponsor.
Gobel. Really? Who?
Zuma. Kraehkamp.
Gobel. The ketchup company?
Zuma. Yeah, but apparently they do more than ketchup.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. They also make potato products like frozen French fries.
Gobel. That makes sense. Buy the French fries and eat them with the ketchup.
Zuma. Yeah, and it makes sense that they would make pasta sauces and baked beans too.
Gobel. Pasta sauce makes sense. I guess baked beans is a stretch, but still feasible.
Zuma. How about a variety of Asian sauces?
Gobel. Um, do they make Thai curries?
Zuma. I think they do.
Gobel. I’ve got to try it out.
Zuma. Kraehkamp makes cereal and rice products.
Gobel. Sounds like they’re covering the starches.
Zuma. Baby food.
Gobel. Really?
Zuma. Yeah, and food for dogs and cats.
Gobel. Kraehkamp makes dog food?
Zuma. I guess it’s because of the starch products and their soy and tuna divisions.
Gobel. They’re in the ocean too?
Zuma. They’ve got a weight loss chain too.
Gobel. For those who don’t want to eat.
Zuma. They make whiskey too. Soaps, cooking oils, and they own a chicken restaurant chain.
Gobel. We need to stop them.
Zuma. I think I know how.
End. Kraehkamp Ketchup

Horst. Why are your bow and quivers out?
Igaal. The pigs are coming.
Horst. So soon?
Igaal. I saw Cerdo Rosado in the brush this afternoon.
Horst. Cerdo Rosado? Here? Does he know that we’re the only ones?
Igaal. I don’t know. I tried to strike the pig, but he saw me and dashed out of range. He was snorting, enjoying himself.
Horst. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pig as fast as Cerdo Rosado.
Igaal. I do not think I have either.
Horst. When do you think the pigs will come?
Igaal. Quiet.
Horst. What is it?
Igaal. Cerdo Rosado is here.
Horst. Again?
Cerdo Rosado. Hello? *snort snort* I have come back to determine *snort* if you two are the only ones here. *snort snort*
Igaal. Yes, Cerdo Rosado. It is true. Only Horst and I are here.
Cerdo Rosado. You are not the one who tried to mark me with a quiver. *snort snort* Where is he? *snort*
Igaal. He went to get help. We know you will be here with the others.
Cerdo Rosado. Where is your bow? *snort snort*
Igaal. I do not have it with me.
Cerdo Rosado. I’m afraid I will have to take advantage of this situation. *snort snort*
Igaal. Will you tell me one thing?
Cerdo Rosado. What is it? *snort*
Igaal. Have you returned only to make sure there were the two of us?
Cerdo Rosado. It is a situation that is too good. *snort snort* We will eat everything you have grown for the harvest. *snort*
Igaal. And you will eat me first? Will you charge me?
Cerdo Rosado. Unfortunately, *snort* yes. *snort snort*
*Cerdo Rosado charges*
Igaal. Horst, now.
End. Horst Reveals Himself

Urtes. Excuse me.
Neige. Yes?
Urtes. I have to ask you to leave.
Neige. Leave? I don’t understand.
Urtes. We would rather you leave the café.
Neige. Did I do something?
Urtes. No. You didn’t do anything.
Neige. Then why do I have to leave? Are you asking everybody to leave?
Urtes. No, just you.
Neige. You’re going to have to explain before you really have a good reason for me to leave?
Urtes. Your kind. We do not welcome your kind.
Neige. My kind? What did my kind do?
Urtes. Please, will you leave?
Neige. I’ll tell you the truth. I want to take you down by the neck and make you cry like a baby, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to leave and feel sorry for you and your establishment. And look. I’m going to pay for my tea, just to surprise you. Just a suggestion. You should have signs on your door explaining who can or cannot come in. If you had a sign. I would have definitely not come in. Will you make a sign?
Urtes. ...
End. You Are Not Welcome Here

Henning. Get down.
Dodd. What is it?
Henning. It’s a metal ugly tree.
Dodd. Are we going to die?
Henning. No. How many arrows do you have?
Dodd. Two.
Henning. Give me one.
Dodd. No, they’re mine. You used all yours on that cloud of obscene.
Henning. Are you going to use both arrows on the metal ugly tree?
Dodd. I don’t know.
Henning. We have to kill it.
Dodd. Why?
Henning. Cause it’ll kill us first.
Dodd. Can I kill it with one arrow?
Henning. No, with two, but it has to be at the same time.
Dodd. But I can’t shoot two arrows at the same time.
Henning. That’s why you have to give me one.
Dodd. So we’ll shoot the metal ugly tree together?
Henning. One arrow has to go in the base of the trunk and the other has to pierce a leaf.
Dodd. Can I hit the base?
Henning. Okay. Here, give me an arrow.
Dodd. Here.
Henning. Ready?
Dodd. Henning?
Henning. Yeah?
Dodd. Will it scream?
Henning. I hope so.
End. Backyard Forest

Kiti. Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Yes, Honey?
Kiti. I know what I want for my birthday.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Oh really?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Are you going to tell me?
Kiti. It’s a teddy bear.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Is that all you want?
Kiti. Yes.
Mr. Thierry Caron. Now, do you want any teddy bear or is there a teddy bear you want?
Kiti. I want this one.
Mr. Thierry Caron. What’s this?
Kiti. It’s a catalog of teddy bears.
Mr. Thierry Caron. I see. So which one did you want?
Kiti. The one on the first page.
Mr. Thierry Caron. $51,520.00!?
Kiti. Can you get it for me, Daddy?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Do you know how much fifty one thousand dollars is?
Kiti. Is it a lot?
Mr. Thierry Caron. I could buy a really nice car with that kind of money.
Kiti. What kind of car?
Mr. Thierry Caron. Some European automobile that I could drive through the Autobahn as fast as I can late at night.
Kiti. But the teddy bear is also a hot water bottle to keep me warm.
Mr. Thierry Caron. You know what? A lot of German cars have heated seats to keep you warm too.
Kiti. The teddy bear is from Germany too. His head turns.
Mr. Thierry Caron. How would you like a nice German crafted automobile, Kiti?
End. German Crafted

Beat. What’s this?
Inigo. What is it? A card?
Beat. I don’t know. “Ask for Tom.” There's a number.
Inigo. What’s the number?
Beat. 5-8-5-2-7-5-4-4-8-4
Inigo. I wonder where that is.
Beat. I have no idea.
Inigo. Is there anything else on it?
Beat. No.
Inigo. Can I see it?
Beat. Sure.
*Inigo smells the card.
Beat. What do you smell?
Inigo. *sniff sniff* Chalk, and ... *sniff* something old and musty. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m going to call the number.
Beat. What? Why? Because of the smell?
Inigo. *sniff* It’s nice. It’s familiar. I trust this card.
Beat. Here, let me smell it. *sniff sniff*
Inigo. Well?
*Beat runs with the card.
Inigo. Come back here! What is that number? 585...? What is it?
End. Ask For Tom

Llama. Are you sure this is going to work?
Crocodile. We need to do this if it doesn’t work or not.
Camel. It’s not going to work. It’s a waste of time.
Ostrich. I don’t understand why we need to do this. What’s wrong with where we live now?
Crocodile. You’re all cowards. All of you.
Camel. Come on, Llama. We don’t need this.
Llama. I’m tired Camel. Let’s just do this. We have nothing to lose.
Crocodile. Exactly. We have nothing to lose. The gain truly outweighs the loss.
Camel. You’re an idiot Crocodile. I don’t understand why we all follow you. What is this? The Crocodile club? I’m sick of following you.
Crocodile. But we have to do this.
Camel. No. I’m not going to follow you anymore.
Llama. Camel. We need to do this. We have nowhere else to go.
Camel. I don’t care. I’m leaving. Are you coming with me, Llama?
Llama. I want to try Crocodile’s idea. What else are we going to do?
Crocodile. Go, Camel. You do whatever you want.
*Camel leaves.
Crocodile. Okay, Llama. Dial the number.
Ostrich. Why didn’t Camel ask me to go with him?
End. Last To Pick

Massimo. Hey Lemmy, what are you doing?
Lemmy. I’m communicating with someone.
Massimo. You are? With who?
Lemmy. I’m not sure.
Massimo. I don’t understand. Where is this someone?
Lemmy. He’s on the other end of this string. When I pull on it, the other person pulls back on it. I’m trying to use Morse code with him, but I don’t think he understands. All he does is repeat my pulls.
Massimo. Where did the sting come from?
Lemmy. I don’t know. I just appeared one day.
Massimo. Can’t you follow the string?
Lemmy. I tried, but it’s goes into the sewage drains.
Massimo. Do you think this person lives in the sewage drains?
Lemmy. I think he only uses the sewage drains to hide the string underground.
Massimo. But I think he’s somewhere in the Central Time zone.
Lemmy. What? How do you know that?
Massimo. Cause at every hour, I pull what time it is, then he returns with a time minus one hour.
Lemmy. But the closest place in the Central time zone is hundreds of miles away. How is that possible?
Massimo. Shh, he’s trying to say something.

Smoothswimmingdogmagiclylightboulder. A-r-e - y-o-u – u-s-i-n-g – M-o-r-s-e - c-o-d-e-?
End. Tug Tug Pull

Burny. You’re getting killed. I’ve never seen you get beat so bad.
Arturo. I know. He’s much better than me.
Burny. I hate to say it, but it’s humiliating.
Arturo. I’m sorry.
Burny. What do you have left?
Arturo. A grand.
Burny. Forget it man, just cash it in. We’re losers tonight. Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.
Arturo. You go get that drink. I’m staying.
Burny. Just like that? You’re going to drop that grand?
Arturo. I’m not dropping anything.
Burny. He’s whipping you. The guy owns everything that you are. Let’s just say it was an off night.
Arturo. No, he’s better.
Burny. Then what are you doing? He’s better, you admit it, let’s go.
Arturo. Let me finish this.
Burny. Why? I can’t let you self destruct like this.
Arturo. I’m not self destructing.
Burny. Then why? Why are you willing to lose a grand like that? You know you’re going to lose that grand ... you’re not going to lose that grand?
Arturo. Just go get that drink for me.
Burny. Sure.
End. Solution Ahead
judsixteentwentytwo

Isa. Hey, when did you get back?
Tibor. A couple of hours ago.
Isa. How was the trip?
Tibor. Good.
Isa. I noticed the Subaru isn’t in the garage. Did something happen to it?
Tibor. You know, I tried to hit seventy miles per hour with that thing, but I could only go sixty eight.
Isa. It’s a beat up car.
Tibor. I did manage to pass two cars on the one lane to the beach.
Isa. Really?
Tibor. I had enough space the first time, but the second time I tried passing a car, another car was coming the opposite direction.
Isa. Did something happen to the car?
Tibor. How long have we had that Subaru?
Isa. Since eighty three.
Tibor. Remember when we went to Florida with that thing?
Isa. We went everywhere. It’s a good little car. Tibor?
Tibor. Yes?
Isa. Where’s the Subaru?
Tibor. I tried, but the Subaru couldn’t even reach seventy miles per hour.
End. After Time Spent

Krumm. So, that’s it. Are you excited?
Petters. I feel disappointed.
Krumm. You’re disappointed to go home?
Petters. No, I’m disappointed in myself actually.
Krumm. Why is that?
Petters. Because I’m going home. I’m leaving this place.
Krumm. But don’t you want to go home?
Petters. I do, but I wish I didn’t.
Krumm. I don’t understand.
Petters. I’m glad I’m going home. I mean, I’m ecstatic, and it’s because I miss home more than I want to stay here. At this point, I’d rather be there than here. Do you know what that makes me?
Krumm. What?
Petters. A tourist. I can’t live here, Krumm. I have to go home and be in comfort.
Krumm. But you’ve been here for five years, Petters. No tourist stays here for Petters years.
Petters. If I could stay here for five years, why can’t I stay here for more? I really wanted this to be my home, Krumm. What happened to me? I’ve become soft.
Krumm. Then why not try to stay here? Give it another shot?
Petters. I probably will. I just need to get out of here now. I’ll end up killing someone if I don’t.
Krumm. It’ll probably be me.
Petters. You’re probably right.
Krumm. Have a good trip.
End. Reluctance to Prevent
judsevenfive

Yannick. What happened to your dress?
Maja. I’m just not having a good day, Yannick.
Yannick. Why? What happened?
Maja. I can’t think straight, you know?
Yannick. What do you mean?
Maja. I mean my thoughts feel like rocks clattering inside my head. I can’t get them out.
Yannick. Hey, relax. It’s going to be okay.
Maja. I can’t. I’m on edge. I can’t get rid of this feeling. I hate it.
Yannick. Is it because of your dress?
Maja. Huh?
Yannick. Your dress. It’s ripped.
Maja. No no, I did that. I ripped my dress. I’m so frustrated, Yannick. I don’t know what to do. Look at me, I’m sweating.
Yannick. Here, you need water. Let’s get some water for you. Do you want to sit down while I get you water?
Maja. I don’t know. That’s my problem. I already tried drinking water. It only makes it worse. I’m so thirsty. Nothing can help it.
Yannick. We should go to the doctor.
Maja. I’ve never had this feeling before. I feel so dry inside. It’s driving me crazy. I can barely control myself from tearing my clothes completely.
Yannick. I’m really concerned. Do you have a fever?
Maja. Don’t touch me!
End. Ripping Short Of
judsixtwentyfive

One.
Gilles. So what choice do I have?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. You can choose green or blue.
Gilles. I’ll take blue.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. I’m sorry, we’re out of blue. Would you like green?
Gilles. So I don’t have a choice in the matter?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. No, I guess not.
Gilles. So why give my the choice of blue?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Well, if you picked green, then you would be under the impression that you made a choice for yourself, which then in turn gives you satisfaction in your decision.
Gilles. But I picked blue.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. And I’m sorry. We don’t have blue. We do have green.
Gilles. What happens when I don’t like green?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Well, you still have the choice of not purchasing green, which in turn gives you the impression that you are exercising the right to refuse a purchase.
Gilles. I think I won’t be buying green then.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Very good choice, sir.

Two.
Karola. What other colors does this come in?
Customer Service Representative Eppler. We also have blue.
Karola. Oh, I’d rather have green. I’ll take this one.
Customer Service Representative Eppler. Very good choice, maam.
End. Green One
jostwentyfourfifteen

Fabrice. Come on, Armand. Jump.
Armand. Jump? Me, Jump? Oh no, you must mean someone else.
Fabrice. It’s not that bad, what are you afraid of?
Armand. Death. I’m afraid of death. How many times do you want your life to flash before your eyes? I’m trying to keep it to a bare minimum.
Fabrice. You won’t die. I’m not dead.
Armand. Yes, and it’s a miracle. Let’s not keep testing God like this. He’s bound to grow wary and decide to push me down this cliff out of vengeance.
Fabrice. Do you believe God would do such a thing?
Armand. Do I believe God is a vengeful God? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. You’re looking at it right now.
Fabrice. Please, will you jump?
Armand. Why did I agree to come with you? You know I’m phobic of everything. Even little dogs scare me.
Fabrice. Just jump. Why won’t you jump?
Armand. It upsets my sense of being when I need to squint to see you.
Fabrice. So what are you going to do?
Armand. I’m going to look for stretches of land and pick berries.
Fabrice. You’re going to leave me here?
Armand. I’m sure there are a variety of fish that will keep you company.
Fabrice. Would you jump if I were drowning?
Armand. Hey, I don’t take bribes. Oh, hello.
Bern. Hello.
Armand. Oh, are you waiting for me? No, go right ahead. I’m just admiring the immense height.
Fabrice. Don’t listen to him. He’s just afraid of jumping.
Armand. Isn’t she adorable? The way she shouts and screams?
Bern. I think it’s okay that you don’t want to jump.
Armand. Now see, Fabrice? Here’s a man with good sense.
Fabrice. Hey, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you push my husband off the cliff.
*Bern pushes Armand
End. Immediate Weightlessness
jossevenfive

Elber Door. Hey, Till. I got the ladder. I can get your glider off the roof now.
Till. It’s okay, Dad. I already got it.
Elber Door. What? How’d you get it down?
Till. It flew down by itself?
Elber Door. What, did the wind pick it up?
Till. I don’t think so. It just stayed in the air and then flew down to my feet.
Elber Door. Do you mean it hovered there in the sky?
Till. It did.
Elber Door. Did your uncle come by?
Till. Uncle Gert?
Elber Door. He’s here isn’t he?
Till. No, he’s not here. I didn’t see him.
Elber Door. Go back into the house.
Till. Why?
Elber Door. Just go. Now. And tell Mom to get me my rifle.
Till. What are you going to do to Uncle Gert?
End. Distraught Misconstruction
deusixtwenty

One.
Arabella. Did you hear that?
Norber. What?
Arabella. You can hear my parents moving behind the wall. We can’t talk too loud, or they’ll hear us.
Norber. Oh.
Arabella. What were we talking about?
Norber. I don’t know. I’m too racked knowing that your parents are on the other side of the wall. Am I going to get you in trouble?
Arabella. It’ll be okay. Just as long as we’re not loud.
Norber. Okay.
Arabella. Can I ask you a question?
Norber. Sure.
Arabella. Why are you here? I mean in Colorado? Did you come all the way out here to visit me?
Norber. Kind of. I just found myself here, and since you’re here as well, I might as well stop by.
Arabella. So why are you in Colorado?
Norber. I don’t know why exactly. I’m just here.
Arabella. So one day, poof. You’re in Colorado?
Norber. Just about. Granted, it took me a while to get here, but now here I am.
Arabella. What are you going to do here?
Norber. I don’t know. I can’t really do much. I guess I should just keep on going.
Arabella. Aren’t you going to stop?
Norber. I’m not sure. I think I’ll know when to stop though.
Arabella. Oh, did you hear that?
Norber. Is it your parents?
Arabella. I think so. I’m going to go out and check. This may seem strange, but can you hide in the closet for me?
Norber. Um, okay?
Arabella. Here, just stay in here until I get back.

Two.
Muriel. So what did you do in her closet?
Norber. I stood there, trying to hear what was going on outside. I could hear Arabella talk to her parents, telling them goodnight, but I think they got into a discussion.
Muriel. How long were you in there.
Norber. I don’t know. It seemed like a long time though, but I guess time is slower when you’re hiding in a closet.
Muriel. Yeah, I guess so. So did you try any of her dresses while you waited?
Norber. Yeah, I wanted her to catch me hitching up one of her skirts.
Muriel. I knew it.
Norber. Actually, I got tired of standing and sat down in her closet, staring at the light coming through the bottom of the door.
Muriel. That’s no fun.
Norber. But then I was thinking, “what am I doing here?” It was time to go back home.
Muriel. So after a year of wandering, you came back?
Norber. Because I hid from Arabella’s parents in her bedroom closet.
End. Line of Light, Carpet
jostwosix

Simona. This bread is perfect.
Urs. Thank you. I’m glad you like it.
Simona. I mean it. The elasticity, the crust, the flavor, everything. How do you do it?
Urs. You know? I don’t really know how I do it.
Simona. What do you mean?
Urs. I actually feel disconnected from my bread. Sure, I make it with my hands, but when the loaves come out of the oven, I just stare at them as if someone else made them.
Simona. Maybe it’s because you’ve made so many loaves.
Urs. That might be, but each loaf comes out perfect, and that bothers me.
Simona. How does it bother you?
Urs. You’d think I would do something different when making bread, but I don’t. There’s nothing special about my process, there’s no secret. I just knead the dough, let it rise, punch it down like everyone else. In reality, my bread should not taste the way it should.
Simona. Do you feel like you don’t deserve to make such good bread?
Urs. Yes, I do. I think baking bread is my best talent, but I don’t want to be a bread baker. I think I’d rather do anything else than bake bread. I’d rather be a professional bowler than be a bread baker.
Simona. Now I feel bad.
Urs. Why?
Simona. Cause you baked bread for me.
Urs. No, I enjoy baking bread for you. Okay, I was exaggerating about bowling, but baking bread? Come on. Are you going to introduce me like, “Hi, this is my friend, Urs. He bakes bread.”
Simona. But I would say, Hi, this is my friend, Urs. He bakes the best bread in the world. If I could bake bread like you I would go off to France, hit the major restaurants, and live off of bread money.
Urs. I would hate working in a restaurant. It’s this underworld of dealers and cheats.
Simona. I would do it, just to live in France.
Urs. Bread, why bread? Why couldn’t it have been twenty ten vision?
Simona. I wish I could bake bread like you.
Urs. If I could, I would give it to you.
Simona. Can you touch my hands?
End. Bread for France
deutwentyeightfive

Kattis. Didn’t you bring food with you?
Ota. I brought two apples and four liters of water.
Kattis. How long were you up there?
Ota. Eight hours.
Kattis. Weren’t you hungry?
Ota. Yes. That apple was the sweetest apple I had.
Kattis. I bet it was.
Ota. I wasn’t expecting to be up there for that long.
Kattis. What happened?
Ota. I followed the wrong trail and ended up at a ridge where I couldn’t go any farther. I wasted two hours following that trail and two more hours following it back to find the right one. That’s when I had to stop to have an apple.
Kattis. Didn’t you see anyone?
Ota. No one was up there. I imagined my death up there. No one would have found my body.
Kattis. It must have been lonely.
Ota. It put perspective on things, on my life. Here I was, sitting down in the middle of a jungle, tired, dirty, cold from my damp clothes. I felt like nothing. Strip my clothing and I’m no better than a hungry animal, so I decided to do that.
Kattis. You took off your clothes?
Ota. I shivered against the wind. I felt humiliated. It was almost unbearable.
Kattis. Did you continue without your clothes?
Ota. I crawled down to a level path where there was this tree with fruit on it. I didn’t know what kind fruit it was, but fruit were the size of cherries, but tasted more like guava with tiny edible seeds that rolled on my tougue. I climbed the tree and ate all of them.
Kattis. Weren’t you afraid they were poisonous?
Ota. I didn’t care. After trying one, I had to eat more.
Kattis. But you did put your clothes back on, right?
Ota. Yes, but it was difficult to put damp and mud caked clothing on.
End. Clinging Damp
deueightthree

Josette. What are you doing there?
Brund. I’m throwing stones at the devil.
Josette. What?
Brund. See that mound of stones over there?
Josette. Yeah?
Brund. That’s the devil. I take one stone from the mound and throw it back into the mound until there is no mound.
Josette. You have something against the devil, Brund?
Brund. Yes, I do. He is the cause of all of my misery.
Josette. Are you miserable?
Brund. Not anymore, now that I can throw stones at the devil.
Josette. Can I throw a stone at the devil too?
Brund. Go ahead. Get yourself a stone from the mound.
Josette. Okay. Does it matter what stone I take?
Brund. Not really, but before you come back, feel the stone in your hand. Feel the earth pulling it down, feel your fingers around the crevices of the stone’s face, feel the cold coming from it. Look at it, that stone is real.
Josette. Okay? Can I come back now?
Brund. Yeah. Come back here and throw that stone at the devil.
Josette. Do I have to do anything before I throw it?
Brund. All you have to do is recall what you learned from the stone. Visualize it leaving your hand and reaching the devil.
Josette. Okay. Can I throw it?
Brund. Once you feel like you’re ready.
Josette. Okay.
*Josette throws the stone past the mound.
Josette. I missed.
Brund. But did you see the devil flinch?
End. The Elusiveness of Stones
deufourtwelve

Walor. I give up.
Sabeinne. What are you talking about?
Walor. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.
Sabeinne. What are you going to do?
Walor. Not do this, first of all.
Sabeinne. That’s it? You’re done?
Walor. Yup.
Sabeinne. Who’s going to take over?
Walor. That’s not my concern.
Sabeinne. Don’t you think you’re being selfish?
Walor. I am being selfish only to keep me sane. Any more of this, and I’m going to have to become violent.
Sabeinne. You?
Walor. I thought about burning this building down.
Sabeinne. What?
Walor. But I couldn’t think of a sure way to do it without hurting people.
Sabeinne. Burn the building down?
Walor. I printed out leaflets to tape up everywhere warning that the building was going to be burned down at a certain date, so that people would be sure not to be in the building, but I’m sure the police would make sure no one would enter the building that day. Then I thought of letting the night shift janitors know about me burning down the building so I could do it late at night. I would help them look for better jobs elsewhere and plan for everyone to be covered when the building burned down, but that would cause too much suspicion from the police and will probably lead to me.
Sabeinne. I can’t believe this. Are you going to burn the building down?
Walor. No, I can’t without hurting my friends at work or being able to do it without getting caught. But planning all this helped me calm down. It was like solving a puzzle, but this puzzle is too difficult for me, and I’ve accepted that. I can’t burn down the building, but I can walk away from it.
Sabeinne. I guess I’m glad.
End. Spare What Cannot
numfourteenfortytwo

Petters. I can’t stand it anymore
Krumm. What’s the matter?
Petters. I can’t eat this food anymore.
Krumm. Why? What’s wrong with it?
Petters. Come on, Krumm. You’re telling me you like eating this?
Krumm. Well, no. But what are we supposed to do?
Petters. Do you know what I could go for?
Krumm. What?
Petters. A nice juicy hamburger with mac salad and fries on the side.
*Krumm hits Petters.
Petters. What was that for?
Krumm. You tourist. I never realized how much of a tourist you are.
Petters. Give me a break. I just want a hamburger.
Krumm. Then go get one you tourist. Go take a plane, run back to America and get your hamburger.
Petters. You’re telling me you don’t want a hamburger?
Krumm. Just eat your food.
Petters. You know you want a hamburger. You just can’t admit it. What are you trying to hide?
Krumm. Are you going to eat your food?
Petters. No. I’m sick of this.
Krumm. I’ll have it then. You just sit there and think about your hamburger.
Petters. I’m no tourist, Krumm.
Krumm. Yes you are.
Petters. Just because of the hamburger?
Krumm. Right now, do you want to leave? Right now?
Petters. Yeah, so? That doesn’t make me a tourist.
Krumm. Tourists come, see whatever, and go home. This is home for me, Petters. I’m not going back home.
Petters. You’re not going home?
Krumm. No. I’m staying.
Petters. What are you going to do here?
Krumm. I’m going to live here.
Petters. Here? Are you out of your mind?
Krumm. Yes I am.
End. Tourist
numelevenfour

Gernot. How are you feeling?
Lena. Feel my head.
Gernot. You’re burning.
Lena. I can barely see, I’m so hot.
Gernot. Is there anything I can do?
Lena. You can pay for my funeral.
Gernot. Come on, you’re not going to die.
Lena. I feel like I’m going to. I feel so weak. I can barely move. Did you see my plants?
Gernot. No, why?
Lena. Look at them. They’re all dead. I couldn’t take care of them, then Picasso absolutely tore into them.
Gernot. Your cat?
Lena. I think she realized how weak I became and took advantage of it.
Gernot. Your cat is evil.
Lena. I know. Can you open the windows? I can’t breath.
Gernot. You should go to the hospital.
Lena. I should.
Gernot. Do you want me to take you?
Lena. Could you?
Gernot. Sure. Can you get up?
Lena. Can you help me? I hate this. I hate not being able to do anything. I can’t even cook anything.
Gernot. How long have you been like this?
Lena. Three days.
Gernot. Three days? Why didn’t you call earlier?
Lena. I thought I would get better, but I’m getting worse.
Gernot. Do you need something to drink?
Lena. Please, can you stop asking if I need anything?
Gernot. I’m sorry.
Lena. Stop it, it’s getting on my nerves.
Gernot. What do you want me to do?
Lena. Just shut up for a little while. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. Where are you going? Are you leaving?
Gernot. I’m going to go call the doctor to come over. Is that all right with you?
Lena. Yes. That’ll be fine.
Gernot. You are little on edge. You need to calm down. I’ll call the doctor and get you a glass of water.
Lena. Wait.
Gernot. What is it?
Lena. Did you hear that?
Gernot. Hear what?
Lena. That.
Gernot. I don’t hear anything.
Lena. Where are you going?
Gernot. I’m going to call the doctor and get you the glass of water.
Lena. No, don’t leave.
Gernot. I’ll be right back.
Lena. There he is again!
End. Motioning Away
levtwentysixsixteen

Pinkas. Hey.
Louison. Hey.
Pinkas. Where’re my tickets?
Louison. Where’s my money?
Pinkas. What do you mean? I already gave you the money.
Louison. You did? No you didn’t.
Pinkas. Yes, I did. Remember? I saw you earlier today, I gave you the money, but you said you didn’t have the tickets on you so you said you would give them to me now.
Louison. What?
Pinkas. Don’t you remember?
Louison. I was at the tracks all day. I never saw you.
Pinkas. What do you mean? I gave you the money. I know I did.
Louison. Wasn’t me.
Pinkas. Then who did I give three hundred dollars to?
Louison. I don’t know.
Pinkas. Are you kidding me?
Louison. No.
Pinkas. Stop knocking around. Give me my tickets.
Louison. No.
Pinkas. I paid for them.
Louison. No, you didn’t.
Pinkas. Yes, I did. I gave you the money.
Louison. It must have been someone else. Was that guy wearing the same thing as me now?
Pinkas. No, he was wearing a leather jacket.
Louison. It was someone else.
Pinkas. How do you know that?
Louison. I know. What are you doing giving a stranger money without him giving you tickets?
Pinkas. Hey, we’re friends. I trusted you.
Louison. But that wasn’t me. It was some guy who looked like me.
Pinkas. He looked exactly like you.
Louison. Really?
Pinkas. Yeah.
Louison. Did he come up to you?
Pinkas. No, I went to him.
Louison. Then what happened?
Pinkas. I asked him if he had the tickets, and he said no ... oh man.
Louison. What?
Pinkas. I was nervous giving you the money in public, so I just handed it to you, or that guy. He said that he would get me the tickets later.
Louison. You just gave a stranger three hundred dollars?
Pinkas. He looked exactly like you.
Louison. That’s unsettling.
Pinkas. What is?
Louison. There’s a guy walking around with three hundred dollars who looks like me.
Pinkas. If I see him, I’m going to tackle him. Can I have my tickets now?
Louison. Do you have three hundred dollars?
Pinkas. No. Come on. I’m good for it.
Louison. How do I know you’re really Pinkas?
Pinkas. Are you knocking around with me?
Louison. What am I supposed to do? Give you these tickets for free?
Pinkas. We’re buds, man.
Louison. You know, you’re lucky to have a bud like me.
Pinkas. Why’s that?
Louison. Cause I won five hundred at the tracks. Here’re your tickets, little buddie.
End. The Two Hundred Difference
exothirtytwofour

Roel. Koen, look.
Koen. What?
Roel. On the wall. Josephine and Lorenzo must have drawn on the walls.
Koen. We’re not allowed to draw on the walls at home.
Roel. I know. I guess we’re allowed to draw here though.
Koen. Really?
Roel. I think so. I mean, Josephine and Lorenzo drew here.
Koen. Do you think we can draw on the wall too?
Roel. Do you have a pen or something?
Koen. I have one in my bag.
Roel. Go get it.
Koen. Okay.
Roel. Here, give it to me.
Koen. I want to draw first.
Roel. Just give me the pen.
Koen. It’s my pen.
Roel. Do you know what you’re going to draw?
Koen. I don’t want to say.
Roel. Come on. I’m going to find out anyway when you draw it.
Koen. It’s a rabbit. What are you going to draw?
Roel. A tank. My tank’s going to shoot your rabbit.
Koen. I’ll draw a shield around my rabbit so your tank can’t hit it.
Roel. I’ll fire at your shield anyway. All the explosions I scribble will cover your rabbit.
Koen. That’s not fair.
Roel. Are you going to draw your rabbit?
Koen. No.
Roel. Why not?
Koen. Because you’re going to scribble over my rabbit.
Roel. Then give me the pen so I can draw my tank.
Koen. No. It’s my pen.
Roel. I’m going to hurt you.
Koen. I’ll tell Mommy.
Roel. Okay okay, draw your rabbit. My tank won’t attack you.
Koen. Promise?
Roel. I promise.
Koen. Okay.
End. Rabbit vs. Tank
exotwentyseventeen

Sesanna. What happened to you?
Conrad. I don’t have an umbrella.
Sesanna. It’s raining outside?
Conrad. It’s been raining since yesterday.
Sesanna. Are you serious? Is it still raining?
Conrad. Yes, as you can see the rain on me. You didn’t know it was raining?
Sesanna. No.
Conrad. How long has is been since you left the flat?
Sesanna. Five years? I don’t know.
Conrad. Well, let’s go. Do you have an umbrella?
Sesanna. Yes, but it’s raining. I don’t know. I could make dinner here.
Conrad. No, I think we should go out. Just to say we’ve been outside.
Sesanna. I have canned peaches in the refrigerator.
Conrad. Do you really? You know how much I love canned peaches.
Sesanna. I know you do.
Conrad. How about this? We go out for dinner, then come back here for dessert?
Sesanna. Can we rent a movie?
Conrad. I’ll even watch anything you choose, but I get to criticize the movie while we watch.
Sesanna. Then it has to be something I’ve already seen before.
Conrad. The deal’s off if it’s Legends of the Fall.
Sesanna. Come on. I love that movie. I wish three men fell in love with me like that.
Conrad. Don’t they have movies where three women fall in love with one guy?
Sesanna. If we see one in the store, then well get it.
Conrad. Deal.
End. Nescient Rain
exofouteentwentyeight

Josie Cartin. When are you going to let me go?
Mortimer. As soon as the police are here.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to ask for money?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to ask for anything?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. So you’re just going to wait till the police get here, then you’ll let me go?
Mortimer. Yes.
Josie Cartin. Why did you kidnap me? I could just leave now. You’re not going to do anything about it?
Mortimer. You’re far from home. Where would you go? It’ll be best if you wait for the police. They’ll be here shortly.
Josie Cartin. Aren’t you afraid to go to jail?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Why not?
Mortimer. You’re too young to understand.
Josie Cartin. I don’t think anyone would understand.
Mortimer. Have you thought about ending your life?
Josie Cartin. No.
Mortimer. I think about it all the time. I think about the different things I could do to end my life, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
Josie Cartin. Why would you want to kill yourself?
Mortimer. My life is not worth the effort. I want to disappear, but it’s not that easy.
Josie Cartin. What does kidnapping me have to do with killing yourself?
Mortimer. You don’t have to worry about it.
Josie Cartin. Are you going to kill yourself in jail?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. Then why did you kidnap me? I wish my mom was here. She could help you.
Mortimer. I know your mother.
Josie Cartin. You do? Do you hate her or something?
Mortimer. No. I am one of her patients.
Josie Cartin. You make no sense, you know that?
Mortimer. I know.
Josie Cartin. The police are here.
Mortimer. Good. It’ll be over soon.
Josie Cartin. Should I come with you?
Mortimer. No.
Josie Cartin. What are you going to do?
Mortimer. Resist.
End. Immaterial End
exoeleventen

Eliska. What is that? A suitcase?
Suselle. I’m leaving, Eliska.
Eliska. Oh? Where are you going?
Suselle. Away. Just away.
Eliska. I don’t understand. Are you coming back?
Suselle. I don’t know. I just know that I need to get away from you. You bring out the worst in me. I become insecure, I start to hate myself, and I feel very violent.
Eliska. Because of me?
Suselle. Yes. I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose, and it may be because I’m crazy, but my personality changes whenever I’m around you. I should get away.
Eliska. What do I do to make you feel this way?
Suselle. Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving so you wouldn’t be as confused.
Eliska. I’m still a little confused, but I’m really sorry that I make you feel this way. I had no idea.
Suselle. It’s like this heavy block on me. It’ll eventually break me down.
Eliska. Well, where will you stay?
Suselle. Tonight, with Marijke. I’ll be staying with different friends until I find another flat.
Eliska. Are you leaving now, then?
Suselle. Yes.
Eliska. Well, I’m sorry things had to end this way.
Suselle. I am too. I don’t want you to think I hate you. It’s really my mental state that I’m concerned with. We’ll probably get together again, watch a movie or something.
Eliska. I think I have that impression that you don’t hate me. I’m too confused to really grasp with what is going on. I’ll probably think about it tonight.
Suselle. Well, good bye then.
Eliska. Good bye. Good luck.
End. Unintentional Heavy
exothreeseven

Yves. Who is that crying?
Simona. Mr. Ceder. He just lost one of his sons in a car accident.
Yves. Are you serious? That’s horrible.
Simona. I went over, but he wanted to be by himself.
Yves. How old was his son?
Simona. He was in college studying to be a linguist. I think he knew like six different languages.
Yves. Did you know him?
Simona. Not really. I occasionally bumped into him during the holidays. That’s about it.
Yves. I don’t think we should stay here.
Simona. I know. That’s why I called. I’ve been listening to Mr. Ceder cry all day. I’m paralyzed by it. All I could do is listen to him cry.
Yves. You’ve been listening all day?
Simona. Yeah, but it’s weird. I’m not just sitting here listening to him cry. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I made breakfast and lunch, did the dishes, ironed a couple shirts, finished a novel, and wrote two letters.
Yves. All while listening to Mr. Ceder cry?
Simona. Listen to him. There’s nothing I can do to help him. I don’t think he’ll be able to recover from this.
Yves. Come on. Let’s go out and get something to eat.
Simona. I could make something here.
Yves. Let’s go out. Get some fresh air.
Simona. It would be great to know six different languages, to be able to travel and live practically anywhere.
Yves. Hey, let’s go mail those letters out.
Simona. Est-ce que je puis voir le menu?
End. May I See the Menu?
genfortyfivetwo

Lilla. What is all this food doing here on the street?
Stanis. It’s for the cows.
Lilla. I think it’s ironic that there are so many hungry people here and a source of food is just walking amongst them in the streets.
Stanis. They could never eat a cow. It’s against what they believe in.
Lilla. But the food that they leave for these cows could be used to feed people.
Stanis. The cow is the holiest of all beings, though. They should take care of them.
Lilla. I should start a new cult where we would worship the poor and it’ll be necessary for all of us to ensure they are being fed.
Stanis. So a poor person would be the highest form of life in your cult?
Lilla. Yeah, if we live our lives well, we will gradually become poorer.
Stanis. I don’t know if people would warm up to this idea.
Lilla. It would be an honor to be poor. It shows that the god of the poor believes that those who are poor are strong enough to be poor.
Stanis. Then would the rich strive to be poor?
Lilla. Not necessarily. The rich are weak and could not live like the poor, but they would have the utmost respect for the poor and worship them, wishing that they themselves could be poor. Plus, one does not decide to be poor. That would be against the beliefs of my cult. Only the god of the poor can decide that you will be poor.
Stanis. What happens if you force yourself to be poor?
Lilla. That’s going against the god of the poor. Maybe he knows you’re not ready to be poor, but when you are, he’ll let you know.
Stanis. How’s he going to do that?
Lilla. A number of ways. He’ll take away your possessions, or tell you throw away everything and become poor.
Stanis. He’ll give you the choice to become poor?
Lilla. That’s when you’ll know you’re ready to be poor.
Stanis. Is it okay to be rich?
Lilla. It just shows how weak you are, but you should strive to become poor.
Stanis. How do you strive to become poor?
Lilla. It’s not actually striving, it’s more of your reaction when you are humiliated. The rich will try to become more powerful so they would not be humiliated while the poor will agree with his humiliation. It’s a love with being poor.
Stanis. I don’t think I could love being poor.
Lilla. Me neither, but it’s because we’re not ready. We should then feed and love the poor. The god of the poor would want that.
End. Cult of the Poor
genfortyonethree

Koen. Where did you get that?
Roel. I bought it from Menno Benwald.
Koen. You don’t have any money.
Roel. Yes I do. I saved up from my route.
Koen. I’m going to tell Dad you got a knife.
Roel. You better not, or else.
Koen. Or else what?
Roel. Oh, Koen. Guess what? I just got a knife.
Koen. Stop pointing it at me.
Roel. I can do anything I want to do. This knife gives me the power to do anything to you.
Koen. Stop it. I’m going to tell Dad. He’ll take it away from you.
Roel. Don’t you want to play with it too?
Koen. You’ll let me play with it?
Roel. I don’t know. How can you play with it if you tell on me?
Koen. I won’t tell.
Roel. Do you want to see it?
Koen. Yes.
Roel. Here.
Koen. Ah! You cut me! I’m bleeding! Dad!
Roel. Shut up. Shut up. It was an accident. Look what you did. Now Dad’s going to take it away from us.
Dad. What’s going on in here?
Koen. I’m bleeding, Dad!
Dad. How did that happen?
Koen. We were playing and I cut myself against the bed frame.
End. Cut Pull
genthirtyseveneight