Hilde. When did you get this TV?
Arve. Oh, sometime last month.
Hilde. I looks so old, where did you get it from?
Arve. It’s kind of strange. Two Fijian friends found it on the side of the road and brought it in for me.
Hilde. Really? Does it work?
Arve. Sure. It’s not the nicest TV, but it’s a TV.
Hilde. Look at the wooden paneling. It’s like a piece of furniture.
Arve. It swivels on it’s base too.
Hilde. Does it have a remote?
Arve. No, but I can just connect the VCR into it and change channels with the VCR remote.
Hilde. You just need to turn it on from here?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Can I turn it on?
Arve. Sure, but there’s a trick to it.
Hilde. Really?
Arve. When you turn it on, you need to press A-one, A-two, then A-three.
Hilde. What?
Arve. It doesn’t work normally if you don’t do that.
Hilde. What is A?
Arve. I think it’s auxiliary. Try it.
Hilde. Okay ... A-one, A-two, A-three ... That’s so strange. How did you figure that out?
Arve. Well, at first it didn’t work so I looked in the back and saw RCA jacks labeled aux one and aux two, so I thought by pressing those keys, it would do something.
Hilde. So you have to press A-one, A-two, A-three all the time to turn on the TV?
Arve. Yup.
Hilde. Why don’t you buy a new TV?
Arve. I never wanted one.
Hilde. But you have this one.
Arve. It was a gift, and plus, it has character. It’s like someone giving me an old Cadillac. How can I refuse?
Hilde. It’s from the side of the street.
Arve. And now it has a place where it will be loved.
Hilde. What is this, wood polish?
Arve. Yes.
End. Television From the Streets

Chiara. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m such a klutz sometimes.

Omero. Here, you dropped your bag. What is this ... ? A brownie?

Chiara. Yes, but this brownie has a layer of mint inside.

Omero. Really? It looks rich.

Chiara. It is ... Would you like to try some?

Omero. Um, well sure. If you don’t mind.

Chiara. No ... Here. Let me give you a piece.

Omero. Oh ... well, my hands are all greasy from the hoagie I had. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the taste with the oil.

Chiara. Oh, here ... I'll feed it to you.

Omero. Um. Okay?

...

Chiara. What do you think ... ?

Omero. I’m sorry, I got some of your finger, but it’s quite good.

Chiara. Oh, that's all right. *licks fingers* My name is Chiara.

Omero. I’m Omero, it’s nice to meet you. I would shake your hand, but you know. My hands.

Chiara. Would you like another piece?

End. Flirting With Brownies

Aldo. I always forget where to sit without the sun getting in your eyes.
Ida. I guess it would be closest to the windows so the light would pass over us.
Aldo. I don’t know, I like to sit near the middle or on the opposite side of the windows. It seems darker closer to the windows.
Ida. Well, I can’t sit here for much longer. Can you pull the shades down?
Aldo. You know, I’ve never operated the shades before.
Ida. Really? Why not?
Aldo. I don’t know. I just waited until someone else did it.
Ida. Well, it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to do it.
Aldo. There’s a lot of tourists here, they probably don’t know about the switch.
Ida. Well, now’s your chance to pull the shades down.
Aldo. I know, but who am I to pull the shades down for everyone in the room? If there was an individual switch to pull only our shade down, then I would have no problems. Flipping the switch means I’ll be pulling the shade down for everyone. I don’t feel I have the authority to tell everyone that I will be controlling the amount of sun coming into the periodical room. Maybe some tourist is enjoying the sun on their face and it being energized by it’s light.
Ida. What are they, solar powered plants? I’m sweating here.
Aldo. Then why don’t you do it?
Ida. Because of that authority thing you said.
Aldo. All right. This is my room. I will dictate the amount of sun that enters this room.
Ida. While you’re up, can you get me a drink?
Aldo. What do you want?
Ida. A raspberry iced tea. You get diet, I kill you.
End. Dictator

Ugo. Sometimes I have trouble controlling myself.
Erol. I think we all have that problem.
Ugo. Maybe you’re right, but I want to do something about it.
Erol. What happens when you go out of control?
Ugo. I lose myself. I start thinking of ways to be violent, and push to make it a reality.
Erol. Really? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you violent.
Ugo. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get better.
Erol. What do you think you need to do first?
Ugo. I need to know what triggers my violent tendencies.
Erol. What would trigger you?
Ugo. Things that don’t come to my expectations.
Erol. That’s kind of general. When was the last time you were violent?
Ugo. Yesterday. I was trying to sleep, but these kids were throwing a tennis ball against my house. When I came out, I told them to stop, but they said it was a part of their game. I went back into my house to get my tennis racquet. When I came back out, I found them throwing the ball against my house again. I chased one of the kids with the ball and took the ball out of his hands. I told them that this was also a part of the game, and served the ball down the hill.
Erol. Did you hurt the child?
Ugo.
Erol. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ...
Ugo. I did not hurt the kid, but I made them cry.
Erol. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help.
Ugo. I don’t hit kids. I’m not like that.
Erol. I know. It’s just that, I mean you wanted to stop being violent, so I thought maybe by accident...
Ugo. Look, if I hit a kid, I would have told you.
Erol. You’re right, I’m sorry. I really am.
Ugo. Do you have some matches?
Erol. No. I didn’t know you smoked.
Ugo. I don’t. I’m going to burn this diner down.
End. Snap

Brigid. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Pearce. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
Brigid. Tired?
Pearce. I’m hallucinating, Brigid.
Brigid. Really? What are you hallucinating?
Pearce. The tail lights of cars are becoming Diane Keaton’s hair. Headlights are becoming the side of Mariel Hemmingway’s face. How much longer do we have?
Brigid. What? We’re almost there, Pearce. One more hour. Do you think you can hang on?
Pearce. I can’t feel my leg anymore. This truck is driving by it’s self.
Brigid. You’re doing great.
Pearce. I can’t believe you can’t drive.
Brigid. I’m from New York. I don’t need to drive.
Pearce. I’m from Philadelphia, we believe in God.
Brigid. What?
Pearce. Corn beef should not be blue.
Brigid. What are you talking about?
Pearce. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. I understand. I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone. Very authoritative, you know. Like the Pope, or the computer in “2001”.
Brigid. Stop the truck, Pearce.
Pearce. Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um...Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh...Like what... okay...um...For me, uh... ooh... I would say ... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh...um... and Wilie Mays... and um ... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony ... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues ... um ... Swedish movies, naturally ... Sentimental Education by Flaubert ... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra ... um ... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh...the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh...
End. Quoting “Manhattan”

Boy. Pow pow, you're dead. I shot you with the last two bullets I was able to
afford. Now I have no money, but that's fine by me. When I lie here, hungry
and cold, I'll still be laughing and remembering this day. No one will
understand; think I'm some sort of crazy. I'm not. I have a good grasp on
reality, except for the fact I'm talking to a dead person. Whoops, there's
the police. I should go. Stay where you are. Tell them everything about me.
Remember the time when you found me in Acapulco? That shocked me. I didn't
know that anyone knew where I was. You shouldn't have called my name. Ah
well, No more reminiscing. It's was nice, but it's time to go. Don't worry.
You look fine.
End. Two Bullets

Dr. Meera Cartin. Come over here. Are you okay?
Josie Cartin. I’m okay.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He didn’t hurt you, or anything, did he?
Josie Cartin. No, but he threw orange juice against his refrigerator.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Was he throwing it at you?
Josie Cartin. No, just against the refrigerator. I think he was mad that I didn’t trust him.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why? What did he say to you?
Josie Cartin. I don’t know. I told him that I didn’t want to drink the juice because I thought he poisoned it.
Dr. Meera Cartin. That’s when he threw the juice?
Josie Cartin. Yes. He poured another glass of juice and drank it himself to prove it was not poisoned.
Dr. Meera Cartin. So, he wasn’t trying to poison you?
Josie Cartin. No, I guess not.
Dr. Meera Cartin. It’s okay to cry. It’s all over now.
Josie Cartin. Mom, I’m sorry.
Dr. Meera Cartin. Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about.
Josie Cartin. I didn’t think you were going to come.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I’m here, honey. It’s going to be okay.
Josie Cartin. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mommy. I didn’t think you were going to come cause I didn’t think you loved me...
Dr. Meera Cartin. Of course I love you...
I thought you hated me, but he told me you were going to, that you were going to come. He was right. I don’t understand why he kidnapped me. Why did he do it? You knew him, didn’t you? He said he was one of your patients.
Dr. Meera Cartin. He was. Life overwhelmed him, and this is how he reacted to it.
Josie Cartin. He was a nice man, Mommy.
Dr. Meera Cartin. I know. No one knows how nice he is.
End. Trust Me

Pat. What is that racket outside? Are the planes overhead bombing us?
Rainer. Two police cars just went by, Pat.
Pat. Yeah? Don’t they know I’ve got a business to run here? What’s a matter with them? They’re scaring away my customers. What’ll you have?
Customer One. Yeah, give me a cheese steak.
Pat. What kind of cheese?
Customer One. Cheese Whiz.
Pat. Onions?
Customer One. Yeah.
Pat. Here you go. Five, twenty-nine.
Rainer. Hey Pat, you got to look at this. They’re stopping at Geno’s.
Pat. Geno’s? What’s going on over there? I’ve got my hands busy with customers, Rainer. What’ll you have?
Customer Two. Provolone steak with mushrooms, no onions.
Pat. You got it. That’s going to be Five, eighty-three.
Rainer. I can’t see what going on from here, Pat, but three more police cars are there.
Pat. Here’s your mushroom steak. Three more? People are trying to steal from Geno’s. Hey, Fini.
Fini. Yeah?
Pat. Go over to Geno’s and see what’s going on over there. What’ll you have?
Customer Three. Whiz Steak with onions. You know what’s going on at Geno’s?
Pat. I don’t know. I’ve got someone going over there to find out. It’ll be five, twenty-nine for the steak.
Customer Three. I hope Geno’s okay.
Pat. I hope so too. Here’s your steak and your change.
Fini. Hey, Pat.
Pat. So, what happened over there?
Fini. Some drunk guy was yelling at the customers over there.
Pat. So they needed five cop cars to go over there?
Fini. It’s Geno’s, Pat.
Pat. Yeah, there better be five cop cars coming to me when something goes down here.
Fini. You know they would.
Pat. Hey, What’ll you have?
End. Onions?

Rolfe. Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. I’ve turned into a girl.
Rolfe. I don’t understand.
Wallis. I don’t either.
Rolfe. Where did you get that dress?
Wallis. I don’t know. I woke up with it on. I can adjust the length of the dress by adjusting the buttons on the side of it. See? I can make it much shorter.
Rolfe. Stop it. Why are you doing that?
Wallis. I don’t know. Because I can? I’m so confused. This isn’t possible.
Rolfe. You should go to the hospital.
Wallis. I know. I should, but I don’t think there’s anything doctors can really do.
Torren. Hey Wallis, why are you wearing a dress?
Wallis. Because I’ve turned into a girl?
Torren. Guh, I’m so sorry.
Wallis. Being a girl is not a bad thing. It’s not an illness. I’m just a girl now.
Torren. But you seem the same.
Wallis. Yeah, I know. I feel the same. I’ve only changed physically.
Arne. What the? Wallis? What happened to you?
Wallis. Stop it. I am not sick!
End. Tolerably Well

Nia. Hey, are you okay? What happened in there?
Sebastian. I don’t know really. Were you waiting long?
Nia. No, not really. I tried calling your cell but I guess you can’t get service in the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, it didn’t work. You ready to go?
Nia. I know this great place to eat. Are you hungry?
Sebastian. Yes I am. Let’s go.
Nia. So what happened? Was there something wrong with the elevator?
Sebastian. It was really strange. This guy gets into the elevator, and you can tell something’s wrong with this guy, by his walk, by his posture, this man’s face was drenched with sweat...
Renz. Nia? Hey.
Nia. Oh hey, how are you?
Renz. I’m good. You know, I just started dancing lessons.
Nia. Really? What kind of dance?
Renz. Swing.
Nia. Wow, we have to swing sometime.
Renz. Definitely.
Nia. Oh, Renz, this is Sebastian, we’re about to have lunch. Sebastian, this is Renz. Renz works for an insurance company, and Sebastian here is in international trade.
Renz. Hello.
Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
Renz. Well, I’ve already had lunch, so I’m off to the lab to develop photos for the job. Enjoy lunch. It’s good to see you, Nia.
Nia. Bye. Call me about the dancing.
Renz. I will. See ya.
Nia. I’m sorry ... so the man, all drenched with sweat is in the elevator.
Sebastian. Oh, yeah. So this man shuffles into the elevator, goes to pick a floor, and touches the lobby button repeatedly, but slowly. By then, he also has his forehead pressed against some of the top floor buttons, lighting them up, and sweat is dripping down his check down to the floor.
Nia. What was wrong with him?
Sebastian. I actually asked him ... oh, do you know that guy over there? He’s waving to you.
Nia. Oh yeah, that’s Antonio. We’re only acquaintances. We met at Penn Station a couple of months ago. Hi, Antonio, remember me?
Antonio. Of course I remember you. Did you get to Chicago in time?
Nia. I was a couple of hours late because of the delay. Thanks for keeping me company that day.
Antonio. You’re welcome.
Nia. Antonio, this is Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Antonio.
Sebastian. Antonio, hello.
Antonio. Hello. I can’t believe that we’ve bumped into each other here.
Nia. Yeah, it’s kind of funny.
Antonio. Do you still have my card?
Nia. I think so, yes.
Antonio. Give me a call sometime.
Nia. Okay, I will.
Antonio. It’s really good to see you again, Nia.
Nia. You too. We’re off to have lunch now. I’ll give you a call one of these days.
Antonio. Good. I’ll see you around.
Nia. Thanks, see ya.
Antonio. Bye.
Nia. I’m so sorry. People keep interrupting your story.
Sebastian. It’s okay. Do you still want to listen to it?
Nia. Yes, I do. So you were about to ask the man what was the matter?
Sebastian. Right. When I ask him if there was something wrong, all the sudden he presses the emergency stop button.
Sebastian. What? Was there anyone else in the elevator with you?
Nia. No, it was just this guy and me.
Sebastian. So what happened?
Nia. I didn’t know what to do. The elevator’s stopped and the alarm is ringing. I was thinking crazy things like if he went for his pocket I would jump him. I even bent my knees a little so I could tackle him hard. But he didn’t do anything. He ...
Jackie. Nia!
Nia. Oh. Hey, Jackie.
Jackie. What are you doing here?
Nia. I’m about to have lunch with my friend here. I don’t think you two met. Jackie, this is Sebastian. Sebastian this is Jackie.
Jackie. Nice to meet you.
Sebastian. Same here.
Jackie. So did you hear about Anita?
Nia. No, what happened?
Jackie. She won like ten thousand dollars at AC the other day.
Nia. What? Really? What was she playing?
Jackie. The slots. She hit the jackpot.
Nia. Wow. Ten thousand dollars?
Jackie. Yeah, crazy huh? I gotta go now. Back to work. See ya.
Nia. See ya.
Sebastian. *laughs* It’s like everyone knows you.
Nia. Yeah, I know. I’ll eventually bump into high school friends by the next block.
Sebastian. I should keep some distance from you until you bump into another person you know. Then I’ll come in and interrupt the conversation.
Nia. It seems only fair. So did you tackle the guy?
Sebastian. Nah. He started to mumble something about it being the wrong floor, but he’s still pressing the lobby button, so I ask him what floor he wanted. Then he mumbles the number three over and over again. All this while the alarm was still going.
Nia. How freaky.
Sebastian. Yeah, it was. So I go over and tap three, and ask him if that’s the floor he wants. I don’t think he knew I was there, but he jumped when he saw the button light up. I think he thought it just lit up by itself. So I move to pull the emergency stop, but then he turns around and yells, “Stop!”
Nia. Holy oh my schnikies.
Sebastian. This absolutely freaks me out. I’m starting to sweat now, but I do manage to get the elevator going again.
Nia. How?
Sebastian. I just repeated to the guy ...
Orson. Hey, Nia. Hey.
Nia. Hi, Orson.
Orson. What’s ...
Nia. I’m sorry, can you hold on? What did you tell the guy, Sebastian?
Sebastian. Uh ...
Nia. It’s okay, go ahead.
Sebastian. I told him that everything was going to be okay. There is nothing to worry about. I then told him that there was no way of thinking clearly in this elevator and that we need to think clearly to be calm.
Nia. You said that?
Sebastian. Yeah, I felt like I was helping a person ready to jump off a bridge.
Nia. Something really traumatic must have happened to him.
Sebastian. Yeah, probably. So he finally backs off and I get the elevator going again.
Nia. I don’t remember seeing him when you got off the elevator.
Sebastian. Yeah, he got off of the third floor.
Nia. Weird.
Sebastian. Where did your friend go?
Nia. Oh, I don’t know. He must have left.
End. Elevator on Hold

Nane. Slow down, there’s a police car coming up.
Klaus. Do not worry. It is der Autobahn. It is okay to pass der Polizei.
Nane. How fast are we going?
Klaus. Now we are going 273 kilometers per hour.
Nane. What is that in miles?
Klaus. I do not know.
Nane. This is definitely past a hundred. I have to apologize, Klaus, but my American culture is screaming quietly inside my head.
Klaus. Is this too fast for you?
Nane. I’m just used to being served peanuts and a drink at these speeds.
Klaus. Enjoy the drive. There is nothing to fear. Of course, there is der Geisterfahrer.
Nane. What is that?
Klaus. In English, it is ... how do you say? Ghost driver.
Nane. What is that? Are there myths that the autobahn is haunted?
Klaus. No. Der Geisterfahrer drive against traffic causing serious accidents. They loose their heads and drive der Autobahn in the opposite direction.
Nane. Does this occur often?
Klaus. Not very often, they are just popular because of the accidents. Like a shark attack. They do not happen often, but when they do, it seems as though they happen all of the time.
Nane. Wait, I have a calculator for converting Deutschmarks into Dollars. I wonder if it has a converter for kilometers into miles. Let’s see ... Ah here is it. How fast are we going, again?
Klaus. 287 kilometer per hour.
Nane. Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie Ihren Verstand verloren?
Klaus. *laughs* Neine.
End. Excuse me, have you lost your mind?

Arnaud. Kamel.
Kamel. Yeah?
Arnaud. We’re going to have to stop. I’m cramping up.
Kamel. Okay. *laughs* Hey Arnaud.
Arnaud. Yeah?
Kamel. Are you bored?
Arnaud. *laughs* Not anymore. The first three hours, and we’re screaming at people below, now ... now, I’m ready to gather some leaves and spend the night here. I’m exhausted, Kamel.
Kamel. Yes, I would like to go home too.
Arnaud. I’ve never had to climb inclines on my hands and feet before, Kamel. I’m going out of my mind. I was bouncing off of trees and branches down that last steep decline.
Kamel. I know. Look at the clouds over there.
Arnaud. I can’t believe we’re up this high.
Kamel. That’s how I’m going to kiss my wife when I get back. I’m going to lie her down on the floor and graze her lips like the clouds grazing across the top of the valley.
Arnaud. Okay, I think I’m ready to go again. Do you hear that?
Kamel. It’s water.
Arnaud. If it’s a pool of water, I’m jumping in. I don’t care.
End. Forward From Exhaustion

Yann. Look at this pepper.
Paola. What about it?
Yann. It’s powdered.
Paola. Yeah, I’ve never seen it like that before.
Yann. I like it. It’s pepper as it should be. Do you want to try it?
Paola. I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of pepper. I can never taste it.
Yann. How about on your mashed potatoes?
Paola. Oh, okay.
Yann. Well?
Paola. I can taste the texture of the pepper, but I can’t really taste it.
Yann. Really? Let me put some more.
Paola. No, it’s okay.
Yann. Just a little?
Paola. It’s just pepper. Let’s just enjoy the dinner.
Yann. You’re not having a good time, are you?
Paola. I’m sorry, I’m just not having a good day. I don’t know what it is. All my energy left my body for the day.
Yann. I wish I could make you happier.
Paola. It’s okay. I’m sure that I’ll get out of this funk.
Yann. I could do a strip tease for you.
Paola. What?
Yann. I have lots of layers on, so it’ll be fun.
Paola. *Laughs* No, you don’t need to.
Yann. Come on. It’ll make you happy.
Paola. Here? In the restaurant?
Yann. Well, I wasn’t planning on doing a public showing, but if it’ll make you happy...
Paola. Are you serious?
Yann. Whoops, there goes a button...
Paola. Oh my ...
Yann. Bum ba, bum ba, bum ba.
Paola. *Laughs* Okay, okay. I’m feeling better, thank you.
Yann. But I haven’t even taken off my shirt or started to dance.
Paola. Let’s go on a drive after dinner.
Yann. Where do you want to go?
Paola. I’m not sure yet.
Yann. Sure.
End. Happy Stripping

Marianne. Oh my God, are you all right?
Remo. Um, I think so.
Marianne. Is anything broken?
Remo. No, you didn’t hit me very hard.
Marianne. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. Are you sure you’re okay? Oh, you’re bleeding.
Remo. It’s just a scrape from hitting the street. Don’t worry about it. I’m alright.
Marianne. Were you on your way somewhere? Can I give you a ride?
Remo. I was going to see my friend. I’m a little late, so I need to hurry.
Marianne. Let me give you a ride, please. It’s the least I can do. I feel so embarrassed. I was telling my husband how crazy people drive in New York.
Remo. We’re in New York?
End. Hit Where?

Pavel. Hey Helene.
Helene. Hey Pavel, what are you doing here?
Pavel. Here, sit down. I’m supposed to meet this girl for lunch.
Helene. Oh really? Who is she?
Pavel. I don’t know. A friend of a friend?
Helene. You don’t know her?
Pavel. Isn’t life exciting?
Helene. I’m kind of surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to go on a blind date.
Pavel. I’m going to enjoy the awkwardness of the conversation.
Helene. You can be funny. I know you can.
Pavel. Gee thanks. So what are you doing here? Are you meeting, how do you say? A man?
Helene. Why yes, I am, but he’s just a friend from work. He had to mail something, so I volunteered to get a seat for us while he mailed his parcels.
Pavel. You know, I love the music they play here.
Helene. But they’re playing basso nova. You can’t play this and have no one dance.
Pavel. I dance silently inside my head, as I should always do for the sake of all.
Helene. I’m going to take you dancing one of these days.
Pavel. Why would you want to subject yourself to such painful embarrassment?
Helene. Hey let’s ditch our dates and go to another place.
Pavel. I’m not going dancing.
Helene. Awww...
Pavel. But let’s go.
End. Dancing Blind

Thane. I’m not going to sleep.
Kamille. Why not?
Thane. I’m afraid you’ll do something bad to me.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Yes you. You’re evil. You’ll do something like set my hair on fire to wake me up.
Kamille. Me?
Thane. Don’t play innocent with me. One time I wake up, and I find Jello down my boxers.
Kamille. How do you know it was me?
Thane. You even used sparkling water.
Kamille. Wasn’t it exciting?
Thane. I can’t believe you. I felt so violated.
Kamille. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.
Thane. I bet you took pictures too.
Kamille. No, that’s crazy. You actually think I would take pictures?
Thane. Actually, you would take the time to make charcoal sketches.
Kamille. Just go to sleep.
Thane. No.
Kamille. Are you just going to stay up all night?
Thane. If I need to, yes.
Kamille. Okay, I’ll go to sleep, and to can poke me all you want to make sure I am asleep so when I am, then you can go to sleep as well.
Thane. Wives aren’t supposed to do things like that.
Kamille. I’m sorry. The Jello was on sale, and I was in a weird mood. I’m calm now. I won’t do anything. I would only do that to the person I love.
Thane. So, the sparkling Jello down my boxers shows how much you love me?
Kamille. Yes.
End. Sleeping and Jello

Jana. Hey, what’s wrong?
Galo. It’s the cheese, Jana.
Jana. Why, what’s wrong with it?
Galo. It’s just not good.
Jana. What is that? Muenster?
Galo. Yes.
Jana. It’s a good cheese. I like it on sandwiches.
Galo. I do too, and I considered it to be one of my favorite cheeses, but on crackers, it’s just not good.
Jana. I’m sorry.
Galo. It’s too mild. I might as well dip this cracker in a glass of milk.
Jana. Well, what would make you happier?
Galo. A simple sharp cheddar.
Jana. Okay, let’s go. I’m going to buy you some cheddar cheese.
Galo. Really? Do you know a good cheese place?
Jana. Yes. Wisconsin.
Galo. Can I pack first?
Jana. No.
End. Mild Bad

Colette. We should try that.
Graham. Try what?
Colette. See the couple over there?
Graham. The ones kissing?
Colette. Yes. I think we should kiss.
Graham. Do you want to kiss now?
Colette. I’m not sure. If we did, it’d be like we were competing with the other couple.
Graham. They’re really going at it.
Colette. It reminds me of a time when I had a boyfriend in high school. We would kiss for so long, that I would get all dizzy because I wouldn’t get enough oxygen.
Graham. We’ll we shouldn’t kiss then, cause I didn’t bring my oxygen tank or my sneakers. I’m not ready for a marathon.
Colette. What makes you think I would kiss you for that long?
Graham. I don’t know, for nostalgia’s sake?
Colette. If I were to kiss you, it would only be a peck.
Graham. That sounds sad, yet enjoyable.
Colette. Oh, they’re done.
Graham. The girl’s crying.
End. Sad Yet Enjoyable Kissing.

Nando. So, I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. What? Wait, what about Lara?
Nando. What about her? I’m seeing another woman.
Corrina. I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can endorse this. Does Lara know about this?
Nando. No, why should I tell her?
Corrina. Well, why are you telling me?
Nando. I trust you, and I have no problems revealing my shortcomings to you.
Corrina. I think I’m getting nauseous.
Nando. Come on. This can’t be surprising. It’s me.
Corrina. Yes, I’m sorry, I’m putting general decency into your personality. So, what’s her name?
Nando. Ebba. I don’t know what it is. I meet her, right? And all I want to do is buy her things. I’m getting her stuffed bears, books, potted plants, I’m making her deserts. Get this, I go by a garage sale, and see this lamp, and I’m like I have to get this for her.
Corrina. A lamp? Sounds like love.
Nando. Nah, I thought about it in the shower, and I’ve just figured that I just want to buy her things to make her happy, you know?
Corrina. Well, why don’t you buy me things?
Nando. I’ve thought about that too, and I figured out this. Buying you things won’t make you happy. You’d just laugh at a lamp.
Corrina. You’re right, I would.
Nando. So, I don’t know what’ll make you happy. I just talk to you, you know?
Corrina. That’s actually sweet. In a strange way.
Nando. Oh yeah?
Corrina. Can you stop touching me?
End. Lamps vs. Conversation

Hitoshi Raccoon. May I have some of your vegetables in curry sauce over rice?
Noriko. I’m not sure.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Well, I was hoping there would be a way inside your flat so I can have a taste of your curry sauce, but these screen windows are in the way.
Noriko. Well, if you start clawing your way through the screen window, I’m going to have to dump a bucket full of water on you.
Hitoshi Raccoon. Do you think that will stop me?
Noriko. I hope so.
Jiji Cat. What the?
End. Raccoons Like Curry.

Ame. Where are you now?
Hector. I'm in friend's apartment.
Ame. Which one?
Hector. I'm at Marko's. I can't remember, have you met him?
Ame. He sounds familiar, where would I have met him?
Hector. Were you there when we went to the tracks?
Ame. He was the one wearing the straw hat?
Hector. Yup, that's the one.
Ame. So why are you calling me now, aren't you having fun with Marko?
Hector. Well, I'm a bit bored.
Ame. Isn't that kind of rude of you to call me to say your bored? Isn't your friend there?
Hector. Well, no. Actually he went out to go grocery shopping. He felt I was tired, so he left me here, so I'm calling you.
Ame. Oh, really? You're all alone in his apartment?
Hector. Yup.
Ame. Do you know where that straw hat is?
Hector. What do you mean?
Ame. You know, the one he was wearing. Do you know where it is?
Hector. Yeah, it's on the coat rack, why?
Ame. Can you steal it for me?
Hector. What?
Ame. Come on, will you do it?
Hector. I will steal his soap for you, but I will not steal his hat.
Ame. Ooh, what kind of soap does he have?
Hector. Hold on, let me go check ... he's got soft soap, but he also has this really nice smelling candle.
Ame. What does it smell like?
Hector. I don't know. Like flowers.
Ame. What color is it?
Hector. Light purple?
Ame. Ooh, can I have that?
Hector. Sure. I'll put it in my bag now.
Ame. I can't wait.
End. Candle No Straw Hat.

Ellis. Isn’t that Cyril?
Clarisa. Where?
Ellis. Across the street by the corner.
Clarisa. I can’t see him, there’s too many people.
Ellis. Right there, the one in the suit holding an umbrella.
Clarisa. They’re all holding an umbrella, Ellis.
Ellis. I can’t believe you can’t see him, he’s crossing the street.
Clarisa. Along with a hundred other men.
Ellis. You’re just overwhelmed by all the men in their suits.
Clarisa. Can you blame me? Look at them, one more wonderful than the other. Oh, I like that one.
Ellis. Which one?
Clarisa. The tall one with the unbuttoned single breasted suit, dark hair.
Ellis. The one with the umbrella, right?
Clarisa. What’s with you and umbrellas? But yes, he does have an umbrella, one of those longer ones with a wooden hook handle.
Ellis. That’s Cyril.
Clarisa. No. Really? He looks nice in a suit. What are you doing?
Ellis. I’m calling him on his cell. Let’s see if he wants to eat with us.
Clarisa. Oh, no. He’s probably busy.
Ellis. Hey, Cyril. It’s Ellis. Clarisa and I just saw you cross the street. Feel like eating lunch with us?
Clarisa. What is he saying?
Ellis. Yeah, I know. She really wants to see you up close in your suit.
Clarisa. What are you doing?
Ellis. She’s a bit attracted to you, Cyril. You know what? Why don’t you just the two of you have lunch? I’ve got some errands to do anyway.
Clarisa. Give me that phone ... ! I’m going to kill you ... !
Ellis. Hey hey, you just cut me off.
Clarisa. What do you think you’re doing?
Ellis. You don’t want to have lunch with Cyril?
Clarisa. I do, but I don’t need you to set it up like that.
Ellis. I’m sorry. It just happened, I thought it’d be funny.
Clarisa. I can’t believe you. Give me your phone.
Ellis. Here, who are you calling?
Clarisa. Cyril, I don’t want to have lunch with you, you cheating drug dealer.
Ellis. Tu Chez.
End. Suits and Umbrellas

Ruben. What are you looking at?
Cara. Someone down there has a gun.
Ruben. What, are you serious?
Cara. He’s looking around, waving his gun at people. Oh my god, everybody’s getting down to the floor, all the cars are swerving out of the way.
Ruben. We should call the police. Get away from the window. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you opening the window? I have the air conditioning on.
Cara. Hey! Coward! Yeah, you! You coward! Who do you think you are? You are a little man. Get the hell out of my town!
Ruben. Get the hell out of my town? What is going on? I knew we shouldn’t have ordered pizza. Please, can you get over here? I found a nice safe corner away from any stray bullets.
Cara. Oh, don’t you point that thing at me! If you don’t stop pointing that gun at me I’m going to ...

[gun shot heard, Cara drops to the floor]

Oh my gosh, he tried to kill me.
Ruben. I can’t blame him, you screaming at him like that. If I had a gun I would have shot you myself. Now get over here.
Cara. I could have been shot. I could have died. What was I thinking? I’m just really sick and tired of these people who terrorize people with their guns.
Ruben. Perhaps it would be healthier if you were a political cartoonist.

[another gun shot heard]

Cara. He’s shooting at us again.
Ruben. I think he’s shooting more at you. I haven’t had the honor of meeting him.
Cara. Hold me, Ruben.
Ruben. That’s what I was going to ask you.
Cara. I don’t ever want to spur on a man with a gun again.
Ruben. I know I have Post-it notes somewhere around here.
End.
Yelling at Madmen

Ruth. Why hello, Joel.
Joel. Ruth ... do you know if my New Yorker has come in or any of my subscriptions for that matter?
Ruth. Well, the day’s mail hasn’t come in.
Joel. That’s what I love about Alaska. It’ll demean reliable institutions such as the United State Postal Service into packets of Jello.
Ruth. It should have been in this morning, but I haven’t seen Maggie.
Joel. O’Connell? Leave it to O’Connell. What did she do? Did she see the package for me and decided to refuse to fly the mail in out of a deranged obsession to make my life miserable?
Ruth. Are you expecting a package as well?
Joel. Yes, I’m expecting a new set of titanium golf clubs to come in. They’ll cut my handicap down a good four strokes.
Ruth. Golf clubs? I never enjoyed the sport. It seems so peaceful on television, but I’ve witnessed my son toss his clubs through his Lincoln Continental one time. I could never support such a violent sport.
Joel. Oh, but that’s the beauty of the sport. Golf is requires a whole lot of passion.
[Ed dashes into the store out of breath]
Ruth. Ed, what’s gotten in to you? Well, come on Ed. Catch your breath and tell us what happened.
Ed. Hi, Ruth. Hi, Dr. Fleischman. It’s Maggie. Her plane crashed somewhere in the mountains.
End.
Mayday Mayday

Baguettes and Drinking.
Elena. I’m going to get you so drunk tonight.
Marius. I’m sorry?
Elena. Just be ready.
Marius. Ready to get drunk?
Elena. Yes. Eat bread, soft pretzels. Here, I got you a loaf of French bread. Here’s some butter, but don’t use too much.
Marius. Wow, thanks? You know, I’ve made French bread a couple times in my life.
Elena. Why?
Marius. When I was in Tahiti, everyone had a baguette under their arms.
Elena. Even the women?
Marius. Sure ... I guess so.
Elena. That’s disgusting. You know they don’t shave under there.
Marius. I don’t know. I can’t remember, but the men don’t either ... I’m guessing. Anyway, since baguettes were everywhere where even construction workers were carrying them ... under their arms...
Elena. Ew. I just want to say that even though I do shave under my arms, I did not carry the French bread under them.
Marius. Uh, well ... thank you? I don’t think I would eat it otherwise? So, yeah. Since it was so common in Tahiti, I thought it must be easy to make, like fries or something.
Elena. Fries would be good to have before you got drunk. Let’s go to Geno’s. I love their cheese fries.
Marius. Sounds good. We should go, but it turns out that French bread takes about four hours to make.
Elena. Four hours?
Marius. Yeah, you make the dough, wait for it to rise, punch it down, then wait to it to rise again, the punch it down again, and so on and so forth. My sweat and tears would literally be a part of the dough.
Elena. Well hum, that actually doesn’t bother me. I would still eat it.
Marius. Okay ... ? But my version of the French baguette is this dense and heavy bread. It’s good, but it’s not what you expect would be French bread, like this one.
Elena. Can I have a piece?
Marius. Sure, do you want butter?
Elena. Aw, I should have gotten cheese, but I’m not sure you should have too many dairy products before you got drunk.
Marius. I do not understand. Why do you want to get me drunk?
Elena. I think it’ll be funny.
Marius. I may vomit.
Elena. Then it’ll be even funnier.
Marius. Gee thanks, do you still want to go to Geno’s?
Elena. For fries? Let’s go.
End.

Piercings and Spiders.

Father. Now, why do you want your ears pierced?
Daughter. Because ...
Father. Yes?
Daughter. Why can’t I get them?
Father. Why do you want them?
Daughter. I mean ...
Father. Yes? Do you want me to guess?
Daughter. No. I hate it when you psychoanalyze me. I know exactly what you think I think.
Father. Really? What do I think you think?
Daughter. You think that I think that since every one of my friends have piercings already, that I want to have them too.
Father. And that’s not the case?
Daughter. No ...
Father. Well, good. I’m proud of you. Your motivations are not based on the actions of your peers.
Daughter. Stop it.
Father. Stop what?
Daughter. You’re psychoanalyzing me again.
Father. I’m sorry. I was telling you why I was proud of you.
Daughter. Yes, but no parent does it the way you do.
Father. Really?
Daughter. Yeah, really.
Father. But I do it the way I do only to try to understand you.
Daughter. I don’t want you to get to know me.
Father. Oh? Because I’m your father?
Daughter. Well ...
Father. It’s okay ... I don’t know what it is, but at your age it’s very natural to be rebellious, especially towards me. Actually, I don’t think you being rebellious enough.
Daughter. What? What do you mean?
Father. Come on. You just want your ears pierced? Not your belly button? You know, before I met your mother, I dated a girl who pierced her nose, twice.
Daughter. Dad! I don’t want to know this.
Father. Not only that, she shaved her head, and had a tattoo.
Daughter. You dated a girl with a tattoo?
Father. Yeah, it was a spider.
Daughter. A Spider? Why, does she like spiders?
Father. Actually no. She was scared of them. The reason why she got it was because she wanted to get over her fear of spiders.
Daughter. Did she get over her fear?
Father. No. Whenever she looked down at her tattoo, she freaked out. She was scared of her own tattoo.
Daughter. Are you serious? That’s kind of stupid.
Father. Well, I was kind of stupid for dating her.
Daughter. Yeah.
Father. Anyways, so. Do you really want your ears pierced?
Daughter. Can I get a tattoo?
Father. Can it be a tattoo of the Italian flag?
Daughter. No, we’re not even Italian.
Father. No, but it would be cool if we were.
Daughter. No, Dad. A tattoo of the Italian flag would be stupid.
Father. Then no. Get your ears pierced.
Daughter. Fine.
Father. Good, can I come?
Daughter. No.
Father. Fine.
End.

Francesca: I would like to go now.
Dom. Oh. Um, where do you want to go?
Francesca: It doesn’t matter, just out of here.
Dom. Ok, let’s go. Is there anywhere you want to go?
Francesca: I’m kind of hungry. Let’s get something to eat.
Dom. Well, there’s something to eat here. They’ve got ...
Francesca: I don’t care. I need to get out of here. That’s all.
Dom. Okay. I’ll get the car. Can you wait here?
Francesca: Can I come with you?
Dom. It raining though, and I don’t have an umbrella.
Francesca: It’s okay. I cannot stay here by myself.
Dom. Are you sure? It’s pouring. Listen to that. It’s like rocks are falling from the sky.
Francesca: I don’t care. Let’s just go.
Dom. Can you run in those heels?
Francesca: Yes. I had to run in these to catch a plane. The transfer only gave me five minutes so I had to literally sprint in these.
Dom. No problems?
Francesca: Nope.
Dom. So are you ready to run in the rain?
Francesca: Yes.

Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Oh, hello.
Alfred. Um, hi.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you all summer.
Alfred. Yeah well, I’ve been meaning to. You know, I could relax and read a magazine or a book.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. But you haven’t. The summer’s just about done, you know.
Alfred. I know. I guess it’s because it didn’t seem natural to come up here anymore.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. But it was so natural three months ago.
Alfred. Yeah, I know. You were the place for me to concentrate. I guess I have nothing to concentrate on anymore.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Then what do you do, since you haven’t been coming here anymore?
Alfred. I don’t know. I’m just doing things that people need me to do. Someone wants something moved, I’ll help out. Another person needs me to read over an essay, I’ll do it. I’m just helping people out. It’s been something I’ve been doing for years now. I’m flowing to places where I am needed. I don’t try to force my direction. I am an empty vessel.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. You’re probably studying in Carlson. It’s the hours, isn’t it. I’m not open long enough for you.
Alfred. No, not at all. I haven’t even been hanging out at cafes to drink tea or lemonade.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Really? Not even Welles-Brown?
Alfred. Not even Welles-Brown.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. But you’re leaving soon. Won’t you miss me?
Alfred. Sure, I will. Only you have copies of Sight and Sound.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Why don’t you come in, sit down, and check out the latest issue?
Alfred. Well, I actually have to go now. I just wanted to say good-bye.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Oh.
Alfred. Good-bye.
Martin E. Messinger Periodical Reading Room. Good-bye.

Answering Machine. Beep.
Marty. Um hi, Alina? Yeah, it’s Marty. It’s what? Five minutes past ten in the morning and I just got off the Greyhound at the Port Authority. I guess there’s not much traffic in New York on Easter Sunday, so I’m a bit early. Oh so, I’m here, but you’re not there. I have your address so I’ll take a cab over and hopefully by then, you’ll be there. If not, then I guess I’ll just keep myself busy watching people pass. I know you discourage me watching people, but I can’t help myself. People’s actions are so interesting. You know, the way they look at the ground to pick up a quarter. Maybe I should plant a nickel in the middle of the sidewalk and see what happens. What kind of person would pick up a nickel? A kid would do that for sure, but who else? How weird would it be to ask the person to give the nickel back to me? But I don’t think I could do that. I’m not that manipulative, am I? I hope not. I guess we’ll find out. Oh, maybe you’re in the shower or yelling at someone out the window, I don’t know. Hum, well let’s see, the weather’s kind of grey. It’ll be a good day to get some soup and visit a museum. Something with paintings would be nice. I could watch more people there; how they observe paintings and their reactions. People are so different and interesting. Remember how I told you how I am jealous of God? You know, God has the ability to get to know everyone in a deep way, while I can only do it with a hand full of people. I mean, I know lots of people, but I just don’t know them say, as well as I know you. I kind of want that. There are so many interesting people, and I want to get to know them. But I guess God has the problem of having lots of people shun Him. I guess it all evens out though; people love Him, people hate Him, or people just don’t care. I don’t think I could handle so many people hating me or ignoring me like people do with God. I guess I could handle people not caring about me, but for someone to hate me ... I don’t know. Oh okay, well, I’m going to get a cab now. I’ll see you soon, Alina. It’s been a long time since I last saw you. All right, bye...

Kurt. Did you just eat two hoagies by yourself?
Bruno. Yes.
Kurt. Is that one for me?
Bruno. Well, I was going to eat it, but you can have it if you want.
Kurt. Are you serious? You were going to eat another one?
Bruno. Yeah, but here. You can have it.
Kurt. I don’t know, what kind is it?
Bruno. It’s an Italian with everything.
Kurt. Eh, I don’t know.
Bruno. What is it?
Kurt. I’m not hungry. You can eat it.
Bruno. Are you sure?
Kurt. Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve lost my appetite. I have to wait till I’m starving. Then I can eat.
Bruno. Really? What you need to learn is how to gorge.
Kurt. Gorge?
Bruno. Yeah, I mean, I don’t really need to eat that third hoagie, but I can. Mind over matter.
Kurt. But doesn’t it make you vomit?
Bruno. At first yeah, but now I can gorge without vomiting.
Kurt. I don’t know. It sounds like you have an eating disorder.
Bruno. Maybe, but I love these hoagies.
Kurt. Yeah, I do too, but I just don’t want to eat them now.
Bruno. You want mac salad instead, or how about a drink?
Kurt. What do you have?
Bruno. I have an extra bottle of lemonade.
Kurt. Can I have the lemonade?
Bruno. Here you go.

Nigel. It’s a beautiful piece of furniture.
Marco. It should go well with the hard floors.
Nigel. Your wife should enjoy it.
Marco. I’m divorced.
Nigel. Oh, I’m sorry.
Marco. That’s all right. I’m free now. I bought myself a farm, and this is my first piece of furniture.
Nigel. A farm, really?
Marco. My grandfather was a farmer. I feel like going back to it.
Nigel. What about your previous home? Did your ex-wife get that?
Marco. Nah, we both let it go, but the hardest thing to let go of were my trees. I had eleven Norwegian Spruces lined up in my back yard. I took care of them when they were only up to my waist. Now they’re three times as big as me. I would get up in the middle of the night to water those damn things. I watched them grow every year. They were mine. Well ... it’s time to move on.
Nigel. Here’s your receipt. Do you need help carrying that?
Marco. Nah, I can manage myself.

Massimo. What is that you’re building?
Lemmy. It’s the USS Carrier Yorktown.
Massimo. What kind of planes are these?
Lemmy. These are Douglas TBD-1 Devastator torpedo planes, and these are Douglas sbd-3 Dauntless scout bombers.
Massimo. Are they from World War Two?
Lemmy. Before the war, the Yorktown helped patrol the Atlantic until the attack on Pearl Harbor. Then it was sent to the Pacific to reinforce the Navy there.
Massimo. They must have gone through the Panama Canal to get to the Pacific.
Lemmy. Yeah, probably.
Massimo. I’ve always wanted to go through the locks of Panama.
Lemmy. Why?
Massimo. Crossing from one body of water to another is not very common. One moment you’re in the Atlantic, then the next you’re in the Pacific. Of course it takes some time before you completely cross the canal, but it’s during that transition that makes it interesting.
Lemmy. What do you mean? It’s like going through the Lincoln Tunnel. One moment, you’re in New Jersey, and the next, you’re in New York. I think of nothing when my mom drives through it. I just stare at the lights.
Massimo. Maybe you’re right, Lemmy, but I still wonder what happens while waiting to go from the Atlantic to the Pacific.
Lemmy. Um, Mr. Doro?
Massimo. Yes, Lemmy?
Lemmy. Can you give me back the torpedo plane?
Massimo. Sure, Lemmy.

Astrud. So, Natayna has a stalker stalking her.
Umberto. Another one?
Astrud. I know. I don’t know what it is. Her life is to be stalked.
Umberto. You sound jealous.
Astrud. I’ve never had anyone stalk me.
Umberto. Why not? I think you’re very stalkable.
Astrud. I know. I follow a simple routine everyday. One could stalk me with ease.
Umberto. They’ll find out that you love cherry ice cream and leave a pint of it in your kitchen.
Astrud. Ooh, really?
Umberto. That’s what I would do. It’s freaky, but romantic.
Astrud. You would be a great stalker.
Umberto. You think so?
Astrud. Yeah, I can imagine you taking photos of yourself in my apartment and leaving them in the room you took them in.
Umberto. But I wouldn’t do that until I thought you would be ready for something like that. That’s something you need to be eased into. I could start you off with photos of the places that you go to, then incorporate you into the photos, then photos of outside your apartment, then finally me inside your apartment.
Astrud. You could take a photo of you eating cherry ice cream.
Umberto. Yeah, I like that. It would confuse and amuse you at the same time.
Astrud. I wonder if Natanya’s stalker does anything like that.
Umberto. Nah, he probably just calls her up and hangs up.
Astrud. Or collects the hair that falls from her head. How boring is that?
Umberto. Hum, I need to learn how to pick locks.
Astrud. No, no, don’t tell me ... !

Driving the Ryder moving truck while towing a car from Rochester, NY to Fort Lee, NJ wasn't so bad until the last two hours of the seven-hour drive. I could not go faster than 70 mph going downhill and I could only go 50 mph uphill. We left at eight in the evening. We got into Fort Lee at four the next morning.

I wrote a song called "Cross Country Driving" with Jeremy Couey. I felt I could write when I first read an English translation of Haruki Murakami. I felt I could play the guitar when I heard Jeremy Couey play the guitar. I like to think I can write, but I know I cannot play the guitar. The first lines of "Cross Country Driving" are:

Cross country driving
Fifteen miles -
Below -
The limit

Why are people
Going -
so fast?

START.
“Why don’t you pass that car in front of us?”
“It’s a double line. I’m not supposed to.”
“It’s three o’clock in the morning. No one’s going to come the other way.”
“How do you know?”
“No one is up this early.”
“This guy is.”
“Yeah, but nobody else is.”
“Here comes a passing lane. I’ll pass him now.”
END.

“Alfred?”
“Yes?”
“Could you sing Cross Country Driving for us?”
“No.”

Jeremy and I made up these sort of songs on the island of Rapu Rapu of the Philippines. We didn’t know anything about Rapu Rapu so we made things up like on Rapu Rapu, the mosquitoes are as big as small birds and their mouths are six-inch needles that suck the blood out of your arm. When we got there we found out that we should not step onto mounds of fire ants.

An excerpt from Everyone Wants to Go ٥ Alfred Lee:
ﶈ
I never had a cockroach problem in my apartment until I saw two in my kitchen - one on the white kitchen counter and one on the tiled floor. Their antennae waved through the air, living and conscious. I found the day’s newspaper on the kitchen table, rolled it up, and repeatedly struck the cockroach on my floor. It panicked and scuttled along the floor looking for a corner to hide. With the paper edge of my newspaper club, I swept the cockroach away from the counter’s base then bludgeoned it until the life left its crunchy-firm red body. Only its antenna swayed unhinged in the air.
“Run, he’s going to get you! Good bye ...”
I looked for the second cockroach on the countertop, but it was not there. I checked behind the toaster, the potted plants, the stack of recipe books - nothing.
I bent over to clean up the first cockroach, but the ants stopped me. From a crack in the wall, a group of red ants came and surrounded the cockroach. All I could to was watch them take its limbs apart and carry them into the crack. A second group of ants carried the body. The dead cockroach turned under the cushion of ants along my kitchen floor.
“What have they done to you? There’s nothing I can do.”
The second cockroach returned to the edge of the kitchen counter. I crushed it with the rolled newspaper still in my hand, then swept the remains onto the floor for the ants to take away.
“Look there’s another.”
“This one’s bigger, we need more men.”
ﶈ

One. So how long have you had a boyfriend?
Two. Hmmm ... about two years now.
One. That’s interesting because to me, it seems like you’ve known each other for a month or so.
Two. Because you just met him?
One. Yeah. Would you call that narrow minded?
Two. Actually, it might have been partially my fault since I never told you I had a boyfriend until a couple of weeks ago.
One. So, when you did tell me, it felt like you just met him.
Two. And the reason why I didn’t tell you was because really, I didn’t know you very well.
One. Well, you can’t just come up to me and say, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you. I have a boyfriend.”
Two. Right, but.
One. But?
Two. Normally, I wouldn’t need to say, “I have a boyfriend” if the boyfriend was around me. You should be able to tell when we’re together that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend ... Ugh.
One. What?
Two. I hate those words: boyfriend, girlfriend. I feel like I’m in high school.
One. I have a friend who would refer to her boyfriend as Hon.
Two. Short for Honey?
One. I try not to let it affect me. I have this other friend who refers to her boyfriend as Cheesecake.
Two. You seem to know a lot of girls with boyfriends.
One. Yeah. Keeps me single.
Two. Having a boyfriend or a cheesecake is not a big deal. At first it’s fun, but after two years, I just got used to him. I feel nothing now.
One. Really? That’s kind of sad.
Two. Well, we’re past fighting and yelling and all that nonsense, we’re just together now.
One. You should do something to shake things up.
Two. I’ve tried everything. There’s nothing for me to do.
One. Have you tried wrecking his car?
Two. What?
One. Nothing’s more passionate than crashing your boyfriend’s car.
Two. That’s a bit extreme and weird, but eh. Whatever. I’ll do it.
One. You will?
Two. Sure. I’ll crash his car and tell him that I did it because I love him.
One. How do you think he’ll react?
Two. He’ll be confused, but then he’ll be glad.
One. Glad? Why?
Two. Because he hates his car. He got it for fifteen hundred dollars.
One. Perfect.
Two. In a way, it is.

Umberto. Oh, hi.
Astrud. Hello.
Umberto. Did you just get here?
Astrud. Yes, but I’m not really settled in yet. By September twenty-third you can tell the others that I’m here.
Umberto. But you’ll be leaving again.
Astrud. Of course.
Umberto. When?
Astrud. Already, you want to know when I’ll be leaving when I haven’t even settled down yet?
Umberto. I’m sorry. You’re just here for such a short time. Everything’s so rushed.
Astrud. I’ll be leaving on the twenty-second of December. I believe it’s a good ninety days that I’ll be here.
Umberto. You could stay longer.
Astrud. Then everyone will be tired of me. They’ll ask, “When will Astrud finally leave? She’s been here much too long.”
Umberto. I can’t imagine anyone saying that.
Astrud. I’m getting hungry. A hearty soup with warm bread would be nice.
Umberto. I know a place. Would you like to go?
Astrud. Of course.
Umberto. Where will you go when you leave us?
Astrud. Again, asking about my leaving. You should enjoy the time I’m here until I go to South America, Australia. Somewhere there.
Umberto. I wonder what autumn is like in Australia?
Astrud. You should come and visit.
Umberto. I should.

Cloud. You don’t know Korean.

Alfred. It’s a good thing I know English or else I would be completely useless.

Cloud into Fish. How are you supposed to live in Korea if you don’t know Korean?

Alfred. How am I supposed to live in India, the Philippines, French Polynesia, Nepal, and China without knowing their respective languages? You’d be surprised with my Korean. If I am able to speak as much as I can comprehend, then I’ll be off to North Korea.

Fish into Pig. North Korea? What are you talking about? You’re going to fail, you won’t even find a job.

Alfred. I’ve failed many times in my life, it’s not a new thing, but for some reason I still keep going. I tried with purpose to ruin my life repeatedly, but I’ve failed at that too. I don’t blame you for doubting me. Hey, even I doubt myself, but I know that God is in control.

Pig into Horse. No, it’s because you are stupid and lucky.

Alfred. For six years? Well, then when will it stop?

Horse into Pair of Lips. When you go to Korea. I’ll then smile and kiss you good bye.

Alfred into Haruki Murakami. If your concern for my life is only to bring me down, then your words are like the clouds in the sky. They have nothing to do with me. I’m not sure what would happen if I were to blow smoke from a cigarette into a jar and close the lid, but it does sound like an interesting thing to do.

In the mountains of Korea, I watched a cable car ascend on a single black cable curling into the mountains. The cable car with its passengers looking out the windows disappeared into the haze of clouds. I found a pool of fresh water within several boulders. I decided to swim in my boxers.

One. Hey what’s wrong?
Two. I don’t like it that you can read me like a book.
One. What do you mean?
Two. How did you know that something’s wrong?
One. You have this certain look to you. I know.
Two. I can’t hide anything from you.
One. Why would you want to hide anything from me?
Two. Well, it doesn’t make sense that you can read into my emotions so well.
One. Why not, we’re friends. We’ve known each other for years.
Two. Yeah, I guess.
One. So what’s wrong?
Two. I have no appetite.
One. Really?
Two. Yeah, I think I want to eat something, but I don’t know what I want.
One. That reminds me of a Northern Exposure episode.
Two. What happened in it?
One. It was actually the final episode. Michelle was having problems deciding what to eat, but went deeper than that. She had difficulties deciding anything, where to go, what to do.
Two. Sounds like me.
One. She finally could decide on things after dreaming of a Rabbi parachuting down from a World War 2 airplane. The Rabbi gave her advice that spoke to her.
Two. I wonder where my parachuting Rabbi is.
One. He’s in the sky in his World War 2 airplane, waiting for the red light to turn green.
Two. You and Northern Exposure.
One. I cried at the end of that show.

One. I want to steal that clock.
Two. Which one? That? It’s so ...
One. So what?
Two. I don’t know. It’s kind of plain.
One. No, no. Look at the numbers, and the red sweeping hand. I have to have it.
Two. Well, why don’t you buy something like it legitimately?
One. You have to understand. This clock above the chalkboard is the clock that I want. I don’t want something like it all nice and wrapped up in a store for me to purchase. Anyone can do that. By physically stealing this clock, I make it mine. It’s a much bigger sacrifice than tossing twenty dollars at some clerk.
Two. You would pay twenty dollars for this clock?
One. No. I refuse to pay anything for this clock. Money minimized the importance of gain. It is a greater gain if you plowed the fields, sowed the seeds, and harvested the crops with you bare hands then paying ninety-nine cents per pound of tomatoes.
Two. But there is a difference between harvesting and stealing. Do you really believe stealing the clock with your hands will be a greater gain than paying for it?
One. Yes.
Two. Why don’t you leave twenty dollars, take the clock, and leave a note explaining your greater gain theory?
One. That’s a reasonable compromise.
Two. Yeah, I think so. What...?
One. Do you have twenty dollars?
Two. Here.
One. Thanks.

Eating an apple while knitting mittens for your grandchildren who need it before it’s too late is complicated.
Riding a bicycle while mixing a non-alcoholic drink for a friend trying to stay dry is complicated.
Telling time while running from bees chasing you after you’ve thrown a heavy log into their home is complicated.
Clapping to polka while dancing to reggae is complicated.
Pouring cereal into a bowl while pumping gas is complicated.
Sealing an envelope is simple.
Cutting paper is simple.
Blowing bubbles is simple.
Tying a knot is simple.
Putting sugar in tea is simple.

One. I love you.
Two. How is that possible?
One. What do you mean? I just do.
Two. Really?
One. Really.
Two. No, really. Think about it. Do you really love me?
One. Yes. Why?
Two. Well, I don’t love you, so it’s impossible for you to love me.
One. Because love should be mutual?
Two. Yes. So, what you’re feeling now is not love.
One. Then what is it?
Two. An infatuation?
One. I don’t know.
Two. But how can you love me when I don’t love you. If anything, you should hate me.
One. I could never hate you.
Two. But you should. I don’t love you, so doesn’t that frustrate you; make you question why I don’t love you till you want to hate me?
One. No, because I love you.
Two. You may think your feelings you have for me is love, but eventually they’ll change.
One. Because you don’t love me?
Two. Right. Okay, do you like any actresses?
One. Um, I like Olivia Williams.
Two. Who’s that?
One. She’s the teacher in Rushmore and the wife in the Sixth Sense. She was also in The Postman, but I didn’t see it.
Two. I don’t think anyone saw it. Okay, so you like Olivia Williams. You think she’s pretty don’t you? And her personality, from what you can tell in her roles seems to be decent, right?
One. Yeah?
Two. So why don’t you love her?
One. Because she’s just an actress. I have no real interaction with her, but I interaction with you, and because of that I am able to love you.
Two. What about other girls that you interact with. Why don’t you fall in love with them? Why am I so special?
One. Because I want to know you deeper, become more intimate with you. I thought we fit. That we understood each other, but apparently, after this conversation, it’s not the case.
Two. No. So, now you do not love me?
One. I can’t just stop loving you, but I understand that you don’t love me, so I won’t go any further. I’ll stop here.
Two. Thank you for understanding.
One. Your welcome.

A tap of the cigarette sent two orange glowing bits down to the bottom of the black plastic ashtray. I was surprised to see her smoke, but when she did, she exhaled smoke up into the air, up towards the ceiling. Instead, smoke from smoking cloves blew through one corner of another girl’s lips from Colorado I met in Hawaii five years ago.

I taught a Sunday School in Honolulu for about a year and because of that experience, I decided to teach a Sunday School in Rochester. My Sunday School is a social club where the member don’t like each other. John wasn’t one of my students since he was in elementary school while I taught high school students, but we’ve become familiar with each other where he would do high kicks at my face and I would square dance with him.

Riding in the car with John reminded me of the time my father let me drive at around John’s age.

Alfred. Hey John, has you dad ever let you drive?
John. The car? No?
Alfred. When I was around your age, my dad called me from the back seat to climb over and sit on his lap. When I did, he let me take the steering wheel while he controlled the gas.
John. Really?
Alfred. Yeah, I remember it being a long straight road, and that it was dark. I could feel the road through the wheel.

John and I stumbled onto Le Trou, a French film from 1960 shot in a beautifully restored black and white medium.

Alfred. Look at that shot. See how the men go down the tunnel with their light? The director wants to show how long the tunnel is, and how long they have to walk from their prison for their escape.
John. Yeah, it’s pretty far.
Alfred. It’s such a great shot. Look at how beautiful that is; how the men and their light walk away from the camera down the dark tunnel.
John. That’s really cool.

John’s little sister running up to me in her diapers reminded me about how as a kid, I loved how electric box fans distorted your voice when you talked into them.
Alfred. Look Katse. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
Katse. *Laughs
Alfred. H-e-l-l-o-K-a-t-s-e.
Katse. Do it again*. *In Korean.
Alfred. H-e-l-l-o-K-a-t-s-e.
Katse. Again*.
Alfred. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
Katse. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. *Laughs

Thomas: Who’s that? Is that you, Ray?
Ray: Who’s saying that?
Thomas: Up here, Ray.
Ray: Who? Is that you Thomas? I didn’t know you lived here.
Thomas: Yeah, been here for years. What time is it? It’s two thirty? What are you doing up now?
Ray: Can’t sleep, can’t sleep. It’s too hot in the building. Fans just pumping hot air like a hair dryer. It’s just no good.
Thomas: I hear ya. It’s a hot one today. Gotta stick my head out to feel the breeze.
Ray: Lots a people out tonight, it’s so hot. Saw Frank out here too.
Thomas: You saw Frank? How is he? Still cooking at the diner?
Ray: You know Frank. He’ll never leave there, making fun of people’s orders, they love it.
Thomas: We’ll he needs his sleep if he’s out now. He’ll be yelling at the customers, he’ll be so tired.
Ray: I know it. I know it. I told him he better get some sleep or else he’ll put ketchup on the pancakes.
Thomas: Good word. Man, it is hot. So tired, but can’t sleep. It’s not right.
Ray: Well come on down. It’s much nicer out here. Heck, I’m even thinking of sleeping out here.
Thomas: Where you gonna sleep at?
Ray: The park’s nice. You got trees and long benches.
Thomas: Kinda like camping.
Ray: Yeah, something like that.

Driver: Look over there.
Passenger: Should I get them?
Driver: Yeah yeah. Open the window.
Passenger: Okay.
*Passenger tosses water balloon at boy and girl*
Driver: Did you get them?
Passenger: Yeah. I can’t believe it. We are so cool.
Driver: Yes. Yes we are. We are cool.
Passenger: I think I love you.

Girl: What was that?
Boy: I guess someone threw a water balloon at us. Are you wet?
Girl: Just my pants. How about you?
Boy: I think I’m bleeding.

Will you please stop seeking out innocent girls? Stop obtaining their phone numbers and email addresses in an indirect manner. Stop calling them everyday so that only you can talk while she listens. Stop trying to change them into the girl you want them to be. Stop giving them generic thoughtless gifts such as flowers, chocolate, and jewelry. Stop treating them like little girls. You’re only going to develop a Father – Daughter relationship which is not so healthy if you’re looking for an intimate relationship. Girls are not the same, especially not like the ones you want them to be. You just make it hard for them to say no. Give them the option to say no. Realize that your aggressiveness to have a relationship only repels. Stop these one sided relationships. I’ll give you one word to think about: mutual. What does it mean to be mutual and how can you apply it to your relationships? If you don’t know what they are thinking then you should not go further until you do.

Consider depression as a separate personality who is out to convince you to hate and hurt yourself. It’s not as severe as having multiple personalities, but it is very similar. We are can be easily deceived by all the reasons our depressive personality gives us to hate and hurt ourselves, and we consider it very logical, but when taking a step back, the logic is not there. Somehow, we need to separate ourselves from this depressive personality, and recognize that that personality is not our true selves. If this was the case, then I would have been dead a long time ago. What a waste that would have been. Do not let that depressive personality lead your life, but it will probably be difficult to do so alone. This is why there are friends and God. God’s pretty strong and He is able to lend his strength in us, but why should he lend His strength to those who refuse Him?

Lemonade: Alfred?
Alfred: Yes?
Lemonade: Do you like me?
Alfred: Of course I do. You know you’re my favorite.
Lemonade: Really? But you’ve tried other drinks haven’t you?
Alfred: Well, um. Sure, but you know. You’re my favorite during the summer.
Lemonade: Only the summer?
Alfred: Well, yeah. You during the summer and Apple Cider during the colder days. Orange Juice all year round with the occasional Grape Fruit Juice to remind me of the bitterness of life.
Lemonade: We all need to be reminded of that, don’t we?
Alfred: It keeps me from being delusional.
Lemonade: I’m not sure how I feel about you drinking all these drinks.
Alfred: Well, it’s Summer now. Let’s enjoy ourselves while the days last rhyming past nine o’clock in the evening.
Lemonade: Do you like the subway?
Alfred: Yes, I do. They’re like showers. I sit in them and think.
Lemonade: What do you think about?
Alfred: I think about all the people I’ve met and how it’s most likely that I won’t be seeing them in this lifetime.
Lemonade: That’s sad.
Alfred: Yeah, but I think I’ve developed this sort of immunity to saying good bye. I imagine myself meeting people then in the end, I’ll just disappear.
Lemonade: Will you disappear from me?
Alfred: Come Autumn I am afraid I will, but life goes in spirals. I could be back. I don’t know. Who knows what I’ll be doing?
Lemonade: I guess God does.
Alfred: I’m counting on it.

Harry Kalas ٥ Alfred Lee

The voice of Harry Kalas
A subsiding dull
Lulls me to sleep during another
Motionless Sunday afternoon.

A cicada vibrates oscillates outside in the trees.
The wind rustles through
Like the deep blue ocean my body sinks into
As a blanket covers me
Leaving my bare feet exposed.

The one two pitch.
Swing, and a miss.

My head digs deeper into the sofa cushions as his deep subdue approaches,
Hovering
Over me like a weight hanging from a string

Slowly swinging constantly
Back
And forth.

Bat and ball meet with a quick, hollow
Clack.

Line drive
Down the third base line.

My eyes slow sideways towards the artificial green surface of the Vet inside the television screen.

The screen windows breathe in
Allowing the wind to find its way to my toes
And out
To where the cicadas are.

That’s the end of the fourth inning
One run two hits no errors no one left one base
Phillies two
Dodgers Nothing

His voice moors into me.
I’m not going anywhere.

Before we returned to the camp site, I had to skip a few stones across Mongaup Pond. I think the last time I skipped stones was at another camp site in Cape Cod with my Chinese friends. My shoulder became sore.

Take your video recorder and record rocks skipping across a lake. Take your video recorder and record lines of orange construction barrels as they pass your car. Take your video recorder and record the rain pelting against plastic materials. Take your video recorder and record a marshmallow catch a flame in the fingers of crackling campfire while the roasting stick leads out of frame. Take your video recorder and record silently waving bars of light back and forth from flashlights into the night sky, onto the concrete path, into the trees sifting in the air.

Elizabeth has never seen a flat stone picked up from an unkempt beach of a pond and tossed into it as the stone skims the surface of water; skipping several times until the stone settles down with others at the pond’s bottom. She tried to skip a small stone herself. The stone stumbled into the pond without skipping. It won’t be her last time to try.

Looking down, Elizabeth kept her feet off the ground by placing her feet cautiously on large and partially buried rocks. She would occasionally slip, but this did not stop her.

While others had their Styrofoam cup people’s arms wave in wild positions, Elizabeth’s Styrofoam cup person had one of its hands in one of its orange paper pockets.

Support ٥ Alfred Lee

A dense pattern of
Light green dark green flowers
Printed on an open umbrella
Shading from the June sun
Resting on Mother Yun’s shoulder.
Her elbow gently closed,
Hand above the handle
Of clear plastic amber.
The early summer sun
Dusting, sifting below
Her small eyes, head inclined,
Lips quiet.
The wind slides soothes silently
Across her burgundy dress.
Rectangle pipes to frame
Another rectangle design inside.
She leans against this fence
The color of the sky that day.
Her dress folds into waves
Of fabric leading down
The dress to the firm held hand,
Her daughter.
Mother’s fingers touching
Her own daughter’s shoulder,
Her precious head heavy from the day
Fast by her mother’s side.

Father feels the flat gloss finish
A photo taken years ago
Wishing for a granddaughter.

Walmart Employee: Hello…
Customer: Will you look at this?
Walmart Employee: Um, what? The Coke can?
Customer: Look at it.
Walmart Employee: Yes, sir. Um, what am I looking at exactly?
Customer: This can of Coke is wrong.
Walmart Employee: Oh, would you like to return it, then? Customer Service is right …
Customer: No, no. I’m not going to return it. It’s mine. I paid for it. This Coke. This precious can of Cocacola will grant me three wishes, but I have to choose carefully. The Genie will try to twist my words and ruin my wishes, but I’m smarter than that. I’m going to wish right.
Walmart Employee: Genie?
Customer: You know why I’m telling you this? This secret? It’s cause I can tell, you’re a truthful good man. Aren’t you?
Walmart Employee: Um, yes?
Customer: I knew it. So, I want you to take this can of Coke and make the first wish.
Walmart Employee: No, I couldn’t.
Customer: No, please. It’ll show the Genie that I’m a unselfish person, and he’ll then want to grant my wishes the right way. You see, you have to impress the Genie. So, go ahead. Make a wish. Do you know what you want to wish for?
Walmart Employee: Actually yes.
Customer: Wonderful, go ahead and wish it.
Walmart Employee: Do I have to rub the can?
Customer: Yes, you do. See, you already know what to do. Make that wish. The Genie is waiting.
Walmart Employee: I wish, oh Coke can Genie, that this man would find his long road back to reality.
Customer: Thank you.

Boy: Bang! What are you doing? I shot you.
Boy: No you didn’t. It went past my shoulder. I moved just in time.
Boy: No. My bullet went right into your shoulder. The force of the bullet should have knocked you back to the floor.
Boy: No way! Your bullets are like needles. I can barely feel them. See, I can pull them out and flick them back at you.
Boy: No, you need a crowbar to get out my bullets. My bullets were designed with spikes that come out when the bullet comes in contact with human flesh. The bullet in your shoulder is clutching the muscle fibers around it. If you try to take it out, you’ll be ripping out part of your shoulder.
Boy: I am not human, so the spikes did not come out of the bullet. I am a robot from the future. We knew of your bullet technology so our organization sent me instead of our regular agents.
Boy: Ah, but you did not know about the explosives in the bullet. I came from another time line that you are not familiar with so you could not foresee the bullet ripping you into shreds in five seconds, four, three …
Boy: Then I will simply take off my arm and throw it at you!
Boy: Ha ha, stupid robot! I lied about the explosives and now I am in possession of your robotic arm. With this piece of technology, we will be able to create little robot toys that are able to transform into modern day automoblies. Now I can go into retirement and buy the island I’ve always wanted, and you won’t be invited.
Boy: I don’t care. Your island will be stupid anyways. We’ve foreseen it in the future. Some little man will climb a tower and scream at airplanes, “de plane! De plane!”
Boy: No way. My island will be a giant arcade with games like spy hunter and after burn and double dragon.
Boy: Well, my island will be better. Mine will have a bowling alley, go carts, and putt putt.
Boy: Your island will have Wendy on it too so you can kiss her all day long.
Boy: No it won’t. I don’t like her.
Boy: Yes you do. I saw you walking with her after school.
Boy: So? We live near each other. Why do you care? Do you like her?
Boy: No, you do.
Boy: I know who you like. You like Michael Jackson.
Boy: No I don’t. His hair caught on fire.
Boy: Pepsi cola burned him up!
Boy: Now he’s drinking 7 up!
Boy: Hahahahahaha!
Boy: Hahahahahaha!

Man: Here.
Girl: What’s this?
Man: It’s cereal.
Girl: I know it’s cereal. Duh. What kind is it?
Man: Product 19.
Girl: What is that?
Man: What. You never heard of Product 19?
Girl: I like Golden Grahams. Only lame people eat this stuff.
Man: Well, what the hell do you want for breakfast?
Girl: I’m not hungry.
Man: Here, have some juice.
Girl: I don’t want your poisoned juice!
Man: *Throws glass against refrigerator while magnets holding papers and coupons slowly slide down* It’s not poisoned! *Girl screams* I’m not trying to poison you! Damn it! *Goes to cabinet for another glass a pours juice into it* It’s not poisoned. Look. *Drinks from glass* See? It’s not poisoned. Just drink your juice. I’m not trying to poison you.
Girl: Why did you kidnap me? What do you want?
Man: At four o’clock, I have an appointment with your mother. I’ll tell her that I have you at my house, and then she’ll ask me questions, then probably call the police.
Girl: She won’t call the police.
Man: Why not?
Girl: She doesn’t love me.
Man: No. She does love you. You’ll see.
Girl: She doesn’t love me, *starts to cry* she won’t call the police. She hates me.
Man: She does love you. She’ll call the police. Do you know how I know your mother loves you?
Girl: How?
Man: Cause sometimes when I talk about how lonely I am, I can tell that she’s feeling the same emptiness I’m feeling, but then she looks at the photo of you on her desk and it gives her a peace.

Seeing my counselor ٥ Alfred Lee

For several months, I have seen a counselor once a week.
She would lead me into her room with a two-cushion sofa, blue
As the sky carrying clouds on the verge
Of disappearing.
Together, we discussed the on going hatred I have
For myself.

Today, her secretary who I would greet
With eye contact and a genuine smile
Telephones me and explains that
My counselor needs to cancel all of her appointments including mine.
It strikes me that she is seeing others.
I wonder where I fit in.

Looking down onto the white tiles of my kitchen,
I thought quickly
And told the secretary
The reason why she had to cancel her appointments
was that I kidnapped her daughter.

Is it my mommy?

No, it’s your mommy’s secretary.

I told you she didn’t love me.

No, she does love you.
She just doesn’t know where you are.
Now, she’ll know, so she’ll call,
Because she loves you.

I let Jane pick up when the phone rang again.
Hello? Hi, mommy …
I’m fine …
No …
Yes, he’s right here.
She wants to talk to you.

With a voice as calm s the mirror like surfaces of lakes found in Colorado,
I reassure Jane’s mother.
“Jane’s not hurt, and she’s not going to be harmed by my hands.

I’ve never heard my counselor cry before.
Listening to her trying to control her voice through her tears made her words different,
More distinct.
She truly loved her daughter.

“There is nothing to worry about. I’ve already called the police. I told them I’ve kidnapped your daughter.”

Forgetting our sessions together, she asked me why I was doing this.

I hung up the phone at a knock on the door.
It’s the police to take me out of my life.
Perhaps I should resist.

To know that my father is proud of me wants to make me let him know that I’m not done yet.

My Father: I don’t know anyone like you. You know that?
Alfred: Good. I don’t want to be like anyone.

Then I went off to India. I’ve been to so many countries, but it’s only because my father let go of me.

I am free because of my father. I am also free because of my Father.

I did not realize you were an actual person, Mr. Rush Rhees. Hello. How does it feel lying under six feet of earth for all this time? You’re dead, and in a lot of ways, I feel like I’m dead too. Since we have that in common, I find it that much easier to talk to you. But it’s not only that. It’s because of the library those money grubbing political heads decided to name after you: Rush Rhees Library. There is nothing magical about the library. It just so happened the lighting was perfect, the desks were spacious, chairs cushy, and if appropriate, I would have played with the feet of girls sitting across from me. Hats off to you, Mr. Rush Rhees. Maybe they named the library after you because of your wealth and that you had owned the most slaves in town.

Generic Rochesterian 1: See that there Rush Rhees? He’s a good man. Look at the number of slaves he has.
Generic Rochesterian 2: Yup yup, but when through this little scam I’m developing, I’ll have twice as many slaves then that there Rush Rhees. Look at him standing tall like that. Hey, Rush! You don’t got that many slaves! You a puny man, Rush Rhees! You’ll be my slave! You’ll see! I love this town!
-Both 1 and 2 laugh-

Well, thanks Rush. The library they named after you kept me sane, but sometimes I wish it didn’t.

It has come to a point where I no longer have the curiosity of what will come in the future. I simply do not care anymore. People attempt to control me; others hinder me. I am no longer myself, but I ask myself, “what will make me happy?” Unfortunately, nothing makes me happy. I’ve attained a similar negativity towards my life as Akira Kurosawa has in his film, Ran. I’ve constantly kept convincing myself that my state of mind is only temporary, but now I feel like I will always be like this. I refuse to be a prisoner of my own emotions and the only way I can escape is to fade from this life. I’ve made a conscious effort to go to hell, and I will see you with spear in hand ripping out your innards because I’ve been here that much longer than you have.

I think the reason why I dreamt about taking a peek into Cartic’s apartment with binoculars is because I had a partial viewing of Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear Window” a previous night. Partial, meaning that I started the movie while eating dinner with Yvonnes, but then her friend Charlotte came to visit so we stopped the movie.

Yvonnes (a extended nick name I gave her, pronounced yuh-von-NES) just flew to China on American Airlines. I would guess she would be coming back to America on China Airlines.

It struck me that the Beijing International Airport was quietly empty. It struck me that the Korean International Airport was quietly empty, but then again, I was not there during the World Cup.

European Traveler to Korea speaking in his or her native tongue: Oh look. He must be Korean. “Anyounghasehyo!”
Alfred: Um, hello.

Looking from behind and over a blue couch facing the window, There was no one in Cartic’s apartment, but sitting in front of me was a bald man with a gun. In both instances, I did not see Cartic, nor am I familiar with his belongings to know that it was his apartment, but I knew it was his apartment, and I did not see the gun the man was holding, but I knew he was carrying one. Call it dream sixth sense.

One time in India, Rachel (six years old) came up to me and asked me a question.

Rachel: Hey, Alfred. I bet you don’t know what’s on top of our building.
Alfred: I don’t know. Is it a bird?
Rachel: How did you know?

I didn’t know there was a dead bird up on the ceiling where we lived. Call it dumb luck sixth sense.

During nights at the Doctor’s quarters where we stayed in Pune, India, the cows would come out. Peering through the second floor window, I could see three cows roaming about. The next day, we found mounds of cow dung loosely piled in casual places around the hospital.

I took a black telephone from a side table by the blue couch and brought it back with me through the hallway behind me, then into the bathroom. My first instinct was to dial 0 for the dream operator, but the operator asked me to hold on the line while she connected me to someone else. Illogically, I hung up and called 911 next. Reality: When watching “Panic Room” with my kids (I don’t really have kids, but I like to call my church youth group my kids) and Tinna.

Jodie Foster pulls out existing telephone wire and connects it to the dead panic room telephone. Once she acquires a dial tone, she calls 911 when an operator also tell her to hold. She hangs up and calls her ex-husband. I guess I would have called my ex-wife, but since I do not have an ex-wife, I did not call her in my dream.

Following the path of the sun, the sunflower

Following the path of the sun, from the morning east

From the rising morning east to the setting dusk west, the sunflower moves its entirety, following the path of the sun as we should move to follow the light of God.

From the rising east to the setting west, the sunflower moves its entirety to follow the path of the sun as we should move to follow the light of God.

Am I expecting an impossible perfection when it comes to watching the US not deserve their tie versus the 2002 South Korean World Cup Team? My first reaction is to stop watching US “Soccer,” because I find it too frustrating to watch them kick to no one in particular, to lose control of the ball, to simply play at an embarrassingly amateur level. I put soccer in quotes because US “Soccer” is not real Football. They are lucky to have tied the South Koreans. They are lucky to have beaten Portugal. I do expect too much from Team USA and I apologize for my frustrated fervor. I will only reserve it for first, my beloved Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers, Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Flyers, and Philadelphia Phillies.

The night I ate an Original Grand Slam Breakfast from Dennys, I dreamt that I was married to Korrine Clark. Reality: Korrine is married to Aaron Larson, both of whom just had their first baby. In the dream, Aaron passed away, so I in turn and strangely enough married Korrine. Together we lived in an apartment that had an extended hallway leading into a living room that looked onto other apartments through a large movie screen of a window. With a pair of binoculars, I was able to look across into Cartic’s apartment.

I first met Cartic when Huyen drove me back to Rochester at the end of Thanksgiving weekend. Cartic rode up front with Huyen while I shifted in the back seat from right to left to right taking color photos of Western New York’s golden red autumn sun setting sky. Somewhere along the way from Quakertown, Pennsylvania to Rochester, New York, I learned that Cartic is from India.

One of the things I miss about India is their domestic sodas. There is of course Miranda in flavors of artificial orange, lime soda, and mango juice; Thumbs up cola and the occasional club soda.

I fantasize being a guest on Late Night with Conan O’Brian and as I sit down on the sofa to talk to Conan, I reveal two bottles of Duke’s Lemon from a paper bag that I’ve carried onto the set

Conan: Oh, I see you brought us some drinks. -Laughs nervously- What are these? Wine coolers?
Alfred: No, Conan. This is Duke’s Lemon. Try it.
Conan: Duke’s eh? -looks into the camera- Duke’s, the official drink of the Ku Klux Klan. -drinks Duke’s Lemon- Hey, this is not that bad. I feel like putting bed sheets on my horse.

I had a vivid dream the night we went to the carnival because I ate so late at night. It’s a myth I’m going to share with my children: if you eat late at night, you will have nightmares. I was still slightly nauseous (out of my mental lucidity) after coming home from Dennys. I had two pancakes, two sausages, two bacon strips, and two eggs over easy. They called it the Original Grand Slam Breakfast. It would have been nice if they provided toast to complement the eggs.

I got over most of my fears concerning roller coasters by understanding that I would not die by riding them. In the same fashion, I’ve become fond of vivid dreams and nightmares. Vivid dreams and nightmares are just like roller coasters. You are chased by crazy people with machine guns, and you’re hiding from them in cabinets, drawers, on the ceiling, but they will find you, and utilize their machine guns on you, but in the end, you wake up, trying to go back to the vivid dream.